I guess I just care too much....

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. I'm falling hard for him....but I'm afraid to tell him because I recently found out I am pregnant. Ever since I told him I'm pregnant he acts like I'm trying to tie him down. He told me I got pregnant to keep us together....I was unaware we even had problems before I guess? So, he treats me like a kid now. He tells me I'm annoying and I'm a bitch and basically that I'm just this huge burden in his life. He told me I've been acting different since I told him I was pregnant....like I'm trying to marry him. I don't want to get married just because I'm pregnant....I don't want to keep him from doing things. Before we used to hang out pretty much every day and he treated me like a boyfriend treats a girlfriend....now he's really distant, he acts like the whole worlds out to get him. He said there's good reason behind him acting different, but he doesn't know why I'm acting different. He just turned 21. He and I have only been out 1 time in the 4 months we've been together....but he's already been out to the club 3 times since he turned 21 (March 11). So, what's up with him? Is he just stressed about the new baby situation....or should I really be worried and just get rid of him while it's not going to hurt any worse than it already does?

 

Listen here, if he really cared about you he wouldn't call you annoying or a bitch ESPECIALLY if you are pregnant with his child! You gotta dump that boy right away! He's taking out all his frustriation out on you and that isn't fair at all! He's the one who's obviously acting differnt because he can't handle all this responsiblity when he's really just at that age where you can begin to do anything you want. His freedom will be tied down because when you have a child it becomes your life. It's a frustrating time for him but it's absoutly NO excuse to call his girlfriend a bitch. Get out of the abusive relationship for the good of yourself and your baby.

 

This is an unhealthy relationship. Don't put up with his shit, you don't deserve to be treated like that.

 

Moon_flower, it strikes me as peculiar that you weren't aware of any problems before your pregnancy.

I agree that you should not have to put up with his behaviour but have you tried to put yourself in his place? Did he have ANY say about you bringing HIS child into the world also?

He sounds utterly helpless and powerless, and you or anyone condemning him at this point is as bad as him treating you badly. Infact I would go so far as to say, it's worse. He has almost no power or say, while you are steering what should be the focus of both your lives for the next 20+ years.

From your tone, it almost sounds like you went ahead with the pregnancy without giving any thought to how he felt towards having a child. 21 is an extremely young age. It's likely this was never part of his plans. Perhaps he never planned to be a father in the future either.

If you went ahead with the pregnancy without a care about your boyfriend's wellbeing, then be prepared that your child may not have his/her biological father around during its childhood and even, life.

Your thread is termed "I guess I just care too much..." About whom? Yourself?

Have you stopped to consider the consequences that single parenthood or a rocky relationship will have on your child?

 

I am in his place. To a point.
He didn't really care either way. HE wanted me to have it aborted....which I'm against. It may have been an accident, but I made my bed, I'll lay in it. Yes, I was on the pill.
I'm not condeming him. I tell him he's acting immature about it, because he is. Any guy that's man enough to put his dick in a woman and have sex is man enough to deal with the consequences. Especially if he's an able bodied man that can take care of his business.
He has as little power as he lets himself have.
I'm focused on 3 lives right now. Mine, the baby's life, and his life. He told me not to worry what he or anyone else has to say about it....so he let his 'power' go when he told me that.
I went ahead with the pregnancy after discussing the baby with him. He knew a few days after I found out and my mother told me just to tell him.
21 is young....but so is 19. My mother had me when she was 21 and I'm just fine. Age has nothing to do with raising a child.
It was never a part of either one of our plans....this early in life. But, it happened.
No, I don't care too much about myself. I care too much about his opinions of me being a bitch and annoying. I let it get to me too much.
Yes, I have considered both. And, I'm willing to deal with it.
People like you MAKE me want to deal with it.


To the rest of you. Thank you for your responses.

 

moon_flower, you say that you are focused on three lives. Well, that's too many. If he's man enough to father a child, he's man enough to take care of his life.

You also say that age has nothing to do with raising a child. True enough, but a stable home has everything to do with raising a child. A stable home requires money (and a lot of other things).

I'm trying to suggest that given your man might not be much of a factor in your or your babies lives. He doesn't sound like the fathering kind. How big a check can he send every month and how long will he send a check every month?

I'm trying to very gently suggest you look into adoption.

Good luck.

 

Moon_flower,

Whatever your motive for keeping the child, what's done is done and it sounds like you have already made up your mind about having it. It's ultimately your decision.

This isn't particularly about you but I found your statement about men and sex disagreeable (to me anyway). When a girl tells a guy she's on the pill, she has an obligation not to have a child. That's the way it is for me. You have your mother for strength. But I frankly don't see any power that he has. He never wanted this and he was dragged into it. I actually feel very very sorry for him and empathize wholeheartedly.

I hate to say this but I can't say I empathize with your case at all. As you said, you made your bed so you're willing to lie in it. The baby might be fine, just as you turned out well. But from his point of view, his life is destroyed. I'm trying my best to look for any good outcome of this situation, and it's personally extremely difficult for me.

Either way it's a terrible stress right now on the both of you, when this should be a joyous time. Maybe that in itself should tell you something.

Despite all of this, I do hope that things work out somehow. I don't however think it's your boyfriend's responsibility to raise this child at all. If he's treating you badly too, it might not simply because he thinks you're annoying. I try to put myself in his place and I instantly feel overwhelmingly betrayed, lost and angry.

Take care.

 

Adoption will not be an option. I'm keeping it.

Hannah....you make it sound like I PURPOSELY got pregnant. It isn't an obligation....it's trusting too much in medicine. I too was dragged into this....that's no reason to have an abortion....or put the baby up for adoption if I'm able to take care of it.
I don't need your empathy. This wasn't a 'give me your sympathy and cry for me' post....it was to ask whether or not this behavior is something I should be worried about or not. I guess you missed that....
YOU don't need to look for the good outcome in this situation....as it's not YOUR situation.
My mother planned me and was still stressed, so that tells me nothing. I'm a new mom....I will stress.
It is just as much his responsibility as it's mine. It takes two to make a child. I feel bad that you probably let men walk over you like that....have you ever had to face this decision Miss High and mighty?
Betrayed? How....
Lost? Me too.
Angry....for what reason? He wanted the sex like I did....no one thinks of babies when they're having sex.

 

don't dump him......your baby is going to need a father to be there for him when he/she grows up

 

i'd say he's probably freaking out because after all, you got pregnant 3 weeks after you started dating (did i do the math right?) many relationships don't last much longer than 4 months with or without pregnancy, and maybe you are taking the relationship more seriously than he wants to... maybe he's still looking at it as a normal relationship, and you've only been dating for 4 months, and that usually isn't serious at all. why are you falling for him so hard if he obviously doesn't feel the same way (as shown by his choice of words with you)? i'm really sorry it happened and what might have been a good relationship, had it been able to progress normally, has accumulated too much stress and importance way too fast.

i think you should just think about what you want and need from him and what you are able to give to him, and consider several situations... what it would have been like without the pregnancy, what feelings come into play with the pregnancy, and what kind of relationship would be appropriate should you break up. he may not want to have anything to do with the child should you break up or not... so you might want to think about mandatory child support payments (the government takes money out of his work checks and sends it to you, basically)....

since i don't know that much about the situation i can't give a good judgement, but- minus the pregnancy- if you were saying the same thing, i'd say dump him, it's early on and he's being an ass, and frankly the beginning of the relationship is supposed to be the "honeymoon" time and he's pushing you away, so move on. if a guy is calling a girl (who is obviously very into him-he knows it) annoying and a bitch then it's time to leave. that's my opinion on the facts you stated..... but like i said, i don't know the situation all that well, i would just hope for a more sympathetic boyfriend and father to my child. somebody nice, who cares about people's feelings, even if they no longer want to be romantically involved.

 

That's absurd to think just because a girl is on the pill that she is obligated to not have a kid. And I don't see how he was dragged into the situation. It's not like he was dragged into having sex. It's important to know that birthcontrol isn't a 100% guarntee that you won't have a child. It's a precausion. If you don't want to have a kid at all and not take a single risk of it at all, then don't have sex. Period. I refuse to feel sorry for a guy who thinks they can have all the sex they want and not have this type of thing happen. Yeah it sucks but it takes two to make a baby even if it wasn't your intention.

 

She is obligated NOT to have a child because it is by word or mutual agreement that she will NOT become pregnant with a child that is also his.

Birth control is not 100% guaranteed, I agree. Then wake up and use more precautionary acts, ie. condoms, in conjunction with the pill.

It takes two but you're the woman. Use some brains and take care of your body without blaming his sperm when you wanted it (sex) in the first place.

 

And rob the child of the possibility of knowing his/her father? It may be rocky now, but time does change people in more ways than one.

If the father is shut out aggressively, the child may resent you in the future.

 

You act like the guy didn't want to have sex either. Of course he did. If he was so scared to get her pregnant than he could have used condoms as well like you suggested. It shouldn't be soley the woman's responsiblity when she gets pregnant when the man is also particpating as well. Saying you're the "woman" and you should take care of your body doesn't make her any more responsible than him. He had sex as well and should take responsiblity for his actions. Just because he's the man doesn't give him a free ride. HE made the baby too even if he didn't want to.

Taking the pill as well shouldn't obligate the woman to have an abortion. That's just wrong and would go against some people's feelings about the situation. I mean what if they were against abortions? For every girl on the pill who gets pregnant by mistake she's forced to abort it even if she's against that type of thing?

Of course choosing against what your partner wants would mean you'd have to take care of the baby yourself. If you choose to have a child under these circumstances you'd have to realize you're going to be the only one whose going to really be taking care of them.

It's good to have two parents but not if they are fighting. There's nothing wrong with having two parents but seperated, that way the enviorment is more stable for the child. Shutting out a father compleatly is not always the best idea but if you have to because he's abusive than you're MUCH better off in the long run. Protecting your child from abuse by sacrifing that they'll never know their father is much better than letting them know them and getting abused themselves. That's just a bad situation.

 

I would like to see Hannah's reaction if she was in this situation.

Hey Hannah, are you a virgin?

That is the only 100% way to prevent pregnancy. Condoms don't prevent pregnancy completely either.

You sound like a hater to me.

 

19yr old, pregnant and with a boyfriend who sounds like he'll run out the door as soon as he gets the balls to do it....... good luck

 

I agree with most of what you mentioned. What I was trying to point out was that in the end no amount of fingerpointing is going to remove the fact that the baby is carried by the woman (and it's relatively easier for the man to ditch it all). Because of this, it is the woman's responsibility to protect herself.

What is the point of moaning and groaning that he left because of the pregnancy? It hurts, yes. But he is not the one who will go through the pregnancy and give birth, and go through a lot of the emotions that to-be mothers face.

That an individual is morally against abortion is reason to be even more cautious. I keep hearing many of you harping on the unreliable methods of contraception (pill and condom) and I do agree with you. But used correctly, there is less than 1% risk of pregnancy. If one is so dead set against abortion, then by all means, stay away from sex altogether as a few of you have suggested.

 

I don't agree with you about a kid being a kid for a short period of time. There are experiences in early childhood that continue to affect grown adults long past their legal ages have been reached. If not seeing his/her father is the lesser of two evils, well... then that's the way it has to be.

 

Hannah....he never left....I asked if I should leave him.
I don't know if you've ever been in this situation....you never answered that question when someone posted it....but maybe you should keep a lot of the shit you're spewing to yourself until you know how it feels....It's just as much his problem as it is mine....we both wanted to have sex....not just me. It takes 2 to tango.

And, tiger....he just started this recently....after I found out I am pregnant. Before we had a great thing going. So, that's what's confusing to me.

 

I ignored that post because it didn't even deserve an answer as far as I'm concerned. You're confused and I'm not going to sugarcoat things. I posted how I would feel if I put myself in your guy's shoes. If my boyfriend could get pregnant and he DID get pregnant without our mutual agreement, you can be very sure I would become frustrated and resentful towards him. If anything the only thing that would keep me bound to his pregnant self would be GUILT.

Perhaps that's just me and everyone else is much more saintly? Time changes people either way, so hang in there. If he does care for you he may pull his act together.

It seems not many understand the concept of protecting one's self. Two to tango is true - did I not agree earlier with several other posters, or did you choose to screen that out? Once again, what I was trying to say that because YOU are the one having the child, perhaps you should have thought twice before you agreed to go along with the pregnancy or have sex in the first place? That's your call. Why get upset with my viewpoint?

Best of luck to you and your kid.