I don't really know anymore

I feel kind of stupid writing anything at all, or introducing myself. I guess I'm on here cuz I'm looking for something and just can't find it. In reality, if I were to meet people from this website, one of us would probably be calling the other some sort of derogatory name. I grew up around ALOT of hippies in the mountains of north Idaho, so I know the whole deal. I was the opposite. I served in the Army before tearing myself to pieces, then got sent home after ten years with messed up knees, neck, back, you name it. I live in 24 hour pain. To get an idea of how I feel on most days, have some one work you over with a bat while you sleep. When you wake up and feel like you can't possibly go on because of the pain, thats me daily. I live on narcotics. I take them like tic-tacs. Just one flattened my friend, and I usually pump through 10-12 a day. Pills to rise, pills to sleep.

After going back home to Idaho, I got back into federal service with the Post Office, which I left before I went postal. lol Then over time, I just got tired of the whole Idaho grind, mostly Californians anyways, and I moved to Missouri, where I again, went back into federal service working for the Army at a Post in Central Missouri.

Now that you know all that, I'm just lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just want to disappear. I'm not coward enough to take my own life, but I can't say the thought hasn't entered my mind. The only time in my life I was really happy, was from 2003-05 while I went back to college. Before that though, my Veterans doctor had told me that some of her patients who deal with 24 hour pain smoke dope to ease their pain. I really wasn't sure why she was tealling me, cuz she just couldn't tell me to do it as my VA doctor. So, I did! Best time of my life. Finally was able to sleep, and didn't deal with the 24 hr pain. Oh, I did alot of acid in the Army, but this was alot different.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just found it while searching for ways to just disappear. Just walk away from everything I have ever known or done. Show up on some commune, and just be alone. Stay fried and just tune out to everything. I don't seem to be able to make anyone happy with my actions, everyone seems to constantly bitch. Yet even with my injuries I'm the hardest fricking worker in the damn building, yet they all passed judgement of me, because most knew that I had been in lets say, a special community within the Army. No one talks to me, which makes for a long day. Those that do, I can't stand. Growing up where I did, I listened to my dad bash on hippies all the time, yet, I feel more in tune with most of the ideaologies that I have been reading here over the last few hours as a guest. So I signed up.

I just don't know anymore what to do, whats expected of me. I feel like I failed everyone by their actions towards me, yet I have always given it my all. When I got out of the Army, I wanted to build a relationship with my dad that I never had. The only time we talked was while he was beating my ass growing up. I really thought we were the best of friends till two years ago, when he yelled at me in front of my wife and kids. Which by my next response to him he understood quickly, bad move. I'm not a little person, and he quickly understood the error of his ways when I grabbed him, and moved him out of my way. Then he never said sorry. I've been made to feel like everythings my fault my entire fucking life. I've been killing myself on drugs for the last ten years to provide for my wife and kids, and for what? SHe treats everything I have provided like its shit, and I make pretty good money.

I'm just so lost, and need some one, or something, oh fuck it, I don't know what I want. I'm just tired of living like this, killing myself on drugs, and no one cares. So, I'm just going to pack it up, and leave. I want to be open with someone, on all levels. The one I'm with is a prude. I like to smoke dope cuz it helps the pain, my other half thinks I'm a junky. I don't think two hits on a bong classifies me as a junky. I've wanted to have an open marriage, she thinks I'm the lowest form of sinner there is. So, why not just disappear? No one here thinks like me, cares about me, likes to talk about the things I like to talk about, shit, no on gives a shit one way or the other if I'm here or not. I don't really fucking know anymore. I don't even know why I wrote all this, once they see the size, they're going to hit, "back" and exit! Even this was a waste of time. hoping to be able to just talk to someone. to hell with it. I just want to be able to talk to others that understand, maybe not what I've been through, but, hell, I don't even know what I want to talk about.

I've spent two hours reading before singing up, and I don't even know why. I guess in part to what I read of a female who posted on the intro section talking about being bummed out and on different things to help. I just thought that maybe I could find someone to talk to, about the things I find of interest. I'm no idiot, and I like to talk, about everything, hell most if it I was enjoying reading throughout the entire forum. I don't know what to do anymore

 

welcome to here

normally id make some smart ass quip about not reading that block of text but I actually read it this time lol

 

I read your post all the way through Scrapper.That's a real cry of the heart there.I also have a hard time of it,in my own way,but because of different reasons to yours.I sincerely hope things improve for you and you can sort something out.Best wishes.

 

Welcome to the site

 

I, for one did not read the whole text, but want to assure you that we are not all hippies; and a couple of us are actually kinda cool (protip: not me)

My brother is serving, I had a lot of relatives that served in the last big one; but I'm getting kinda sick of these wars myself.

I know some of the feelings you're feeling; I'm a degree-holder working at a grocer and living with mom. It's not happy times. I might read the rest later and comment more, but sup?

 

I just want to say that posting on here is something within you saying that you are ready for the next step. And recognizing that you need/want help is the first part of getting better. There are so many people here on hipforums that I'm sure would be willing to talk, and actually listen, including me. Sure, I'm 18 yrs old, haven't been through many experiences in life. However, I have been through depression, so I know how that feels. It took me awhile, and many times of suffering, but I got through some rough patches, and still deal with it today. But something you have to know is that you can't always search outside for something better. What you need is deep inside you. Peace comes from within. Look for inspiration on the outside, then look inside, keep searching, never give up, and you will find something. I did. & You haven't given up yet, you are strong, keep going.
Feel free to message me.
Peace

 

Welcome to the show!

 

You've got a home here! Welcome!

 

Welcome to the site.
it seems you are trying to please everyone and from what im hearing, nobody is pleased.
i wont tell you what to do but if I ever felt like that I would start doing things to please myself and put others (aside from your kids) second

 

great intro man!!looking forward to reading your post. you have much to offer.
Welcome to the forums. peace & respecteace:

 

Welcome to the hip forums brother!

I hope you find peace in body and mind

 

Hi, welcome to hip forums!
i hope things improve for you soon. remember, you don't owe anybody anything (except for your kids)

 

Welcome to Hip Forums. I hope you are able to find the peace you so desperately seek. You are not alone......

If you feel like chatting, there is a chat room that usually has bunch of friendly people just hanging out. I hope to see you there.

 

hello im new you all seem very welcoming and interesting hope to be able to say hi to people, iv just got to work out how this stupid box works!

 

Thank you all, especially "hippiepeacelover". You may be 18, but you seem to have it more together than I do. lol Each person said somethng that made me stop and think. One of those being, I've spent so much time trying to please everyone, that I've made myself miserable. I just seem to be on auto-pilot anymore.

 

HPLover is beyond her years. A smart youngin'.Take care,brother and keep coming into the forums. Many of us care.----------

 

welcome scrapper.don't give up.you'll find your way back to you again,or to the you,you never got a chance ta be.goodluck wih everything:2thumbsup:

 

Now that you mentioned it "Roamy", I don't even know who I am anymore. You nailed it that I never got a chance to be me. I don't even know where to begin.

 

Welcome scrapper. sorry you feel so down, hopefully you'll find peace here eace:

We care :grouphug:

 

I've been there, man... Maybe I still am in many ways.