I don't know how to tell him "NO" without it being a lose/lose situation

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by firedancingrose, Jul 23, 2013.

  1. I feel like I can't really tell my boyfriend no to sex. Now let me explain, he is a wonderful man and never makes me do anything I don't want to do, or at least he tries to.

    Here's my problem. I love him to death, but when he's horny he doesn't really hear me when I say no the first time. Generally when I say no it is because I'm not horny/not in the mood and this is often his response "awh baby, please?", or something to that nature. Then I tell him again, "No hun, I really don't want to right now" but he persists. He often wins me over and I give in. He is attentive and helps me get into the mood so its always pleasant. He never forces me. But of course there are those days where I just flat out DON'T WANT TO, and I'll tell him no, several times.

    I try to put my foot down and give him a stern and serious no (I generally try to say "no" as nice as I can first). It isn't until I get upset till he finally gets the message.

    Of course he doesn't fully accept my "no" even though he says he "understands" and says "its okay". And he generally stays in a weird, sad mood (maybe distant is a better word?) until we have sex later on, but this proves to be a problem because I don't want to have sex with him when he's in that sort of mood. He tends to cuddle less and reduces eye contact with me, so this only adds to my lack of desire to have sex later on. He acts as if we'll never have sex again!

    He's told me that he doesn't want me to fake my mood to please him, so I don't. I don't fake orgasms and he loves that I'm honest. He has also told me he dislikes having sex with me when he knows I'm not into it completely, but I'm in a lose-lose situation here!

    If I give in and have sex when I actually don't want to, it makes me less horny in the future. And if I say no, he says he's fine but will be visibly upset and distant until we have sex (but of course, how can I want to have sex if he looks upset/distant in the meantime?). This becomes a cycle and often gets worse with time.

    Another thing, the other day, I was on my period, told him no (we have period sex frequently) and he asked if he could get a blow job instead. I told him I didn't want to, reminding him that he takes forever to come that way and that my jaw will hurt for the rest of the day. I could see he was about to get upset, so I told him that even though I didn't want to, I'd do it because I didn't want to see him be upset. He didn't question me of course.

    After he finished, I tried to give him a little smile, kissed him on the cheek and got up quickly. I began to clean to try to get my mind off of it and move on, but he called me back to the bed and asked if I was upset. I told him I wasn't happy or upset, I just wanted to move on and forget about it. I also reminded him that I didn't want to do it originally, but I wanted to see him happy. He said "but you didn't tell me that?", of course now I am upset and I remind him that I did indeed tell him way before we began. He thought about it and became upset with himself saying "well, I guess its just my fault then." I tried to tell him that it wasn't because I made the choice to do it. He tried to accept it but proceed to self-loath until he went to work, he came home seeming to be alright though.

    I just don't know what to do. We've been together for almost 5 years and plan to get married. This is not something that would break us up, not even by a long shot, but I would like some feedback. I know there is no black and white answer for this, so I'm not expecting it. I would just like to hear what you ladies have to say.

    Final note and reminder, he has never intentionally hurt me and whenever I've truly felt hurt during intercourse, he always notices and stops whatever it is. Also, I CAN SAY NO, HE DOES NOT FORCE ME but I just end up saying yes because all in all, its never been an unpleasant experience. Thankfully he knows how to turn me on even if I don't want to be turned on ha.
  2. tuesdaystar

    tuesdaystar Interneter

    Ok, he's super manipulative when it comes to sex. My ex was like this and as the years passed I was just more and more turned off by him because of it. He never *really* tried to turn me on naturally with affection and contact. He'd just ask for sex and pout and negotiate and it just got to be so disgusting that I couldn't get turned on by him almost EVER anymore (we were together 10 1/2 years and I'd say the last 3 years is where it got gross).
  3. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    You don't mean "No" when you say so and he knows that. It's become a twisted game of sorts. He knows you'll give in.

    If your sex drives don't match up it's always going to be this way.
  4. Not only is he manipulative, he's displaying classic passive-aggressive behavior. If you don't work this out, you can expect more of it as the years go by. He has learned that it works with you, so he will continue doing it.

    I don't mean to sound too harsh. You are human beings, after all, and human beings all have faults and flaws. But one measure of being a grownup is how well you deal with them, and how well you work out conflicts.

    Good luck to you :)
  5. Meliai

    Meliai Banned

    this. I don't really think either of you are at fault, you just have two different libidos.

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