I can't resist touching her. Please don,t judge me.

Ok this is going to be a long post.Please try not to judge me too much as this forum is supposed to be accepting and non-judgemental. I am a 53year old red haired freckled face green eyes thin lips 5ft2 tall skinny masculine single soft butch lesbian woman. People call me ugly alot of the times, and also make jokes about my looks. Ever since I was 14 people always call me names. Since childhood I have suffered taunts about being ugly,ginger,short and masculine. I suffered the worst bullying in high school, It was torture..

I have a satin and silk fetish. It's something you get as a child, I don't know how. It's not a condition but it's also not a choice, so I have to live and die with it. I just can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric because It's just so soft and smooth to touch when rubbing.

Two months ago i joined this all-female group with a specific focus. Three times a week after work I attend this group meetings that focuses on developing self-awareness, self-confidence and self-efficacy for women to improve their professional and personal lives. The meetings are held at the community center. One woman group attendee is is a 42year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. She has very large (huge) breasts and she does have a big butt. She has has very olive skin. Most of her outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses. She is always on high heels and full make up on. She is curvy, tall and busty, so many clothes tend to look sexier on her than on a thin person. She wears almost always her satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. She doesn't wear anything vulgar but because of her body type anything she wears looks tight on her. She is 5ft10 tall and and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes her HUGE! Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She is married for 16 years and she has a 14 year old daughter. She is very serious, arrogant, and stuck up. Most of other women group attendees seem to think she is a stuck up overdressed snob. When she speaks with other women , she tends to be overly nice and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation.

After my third meeting i couldn't resist and i started rubbing her back with with my both hands while she was standing as i was standing behind her. I said to her "Your back is so sore"((that was just an excuse to touch her since she is always dressed in satin and silk clothes). She said that community center is on her work to home route and that she attends our group meetings straight from work and that she is always exhausted. On the next group meeting i sat on the chair behind her and began rubbing her back. Then i began furthering my reach and casually brushed across her rib cage/side boob. Then i did it again and left my hand there and leaned in to whisper something. I kept rubbing her back then leaned in and stopped at the same spot and said something else to her. And that happened a few times.I began fully brushing the sides of her massive breasts.While i was standing talking my hands were resting on her shoulders.My hands were practically constantly on her during the meeting. .

After the meeting she was very flustered as we were leaving on the parking lot she pulled me aside and she said to me gently “I’m sorry, I have a thing with personal space.”She explained to me that it is making her uncomfortable that she understand that i am friendly and tactile but she feels a little uncomfortable when i touch her. She said that she is straight and that she never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female and that just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes her cringe. I said to her that she is mis-reading the creep factor. I LIED to her that i am an amateur healing touch therapist. I even suggested to her body/energy work. She AGREED. .

Since then i "work" on freeing up energy in her body which is sort of like a very gentle massage while she is standing, usually after the meetings.This has now turned into a regular thing. Also during the meetings i always sit behind her and rub her shoulders and back. I manipulated this woman. She is standing stiff as a board while i am "freeing energy in her body". I have full access to her body. My face is exactly the level of her breasts. I place my hands on her massive soft breasts and move them in a circular motion while i am facing her. Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She is always on high heels and full make up on. Often when my hands are rubbing her through her satin and silk clothes i get groinal responses..I'm worried that I'm taking advantage of this woman. I didn't think much of it at first. She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I've ever slept with.

This touchable woman is convinced that i am helping her. She says that touch has incredible healing power. She thinks that my touch is not sexual at all. I keep asking why me. Why I have to be such a pervert? Now I'm convinced I'm a perv and a sexual freak. Why am I like this? Why? I am definitely post menopasual. I lost all drive when I was 49 and menopause was beginning four years ago. Had all the usual symtpoms: hot flashes, memory issues, moods, dry as a bone, no libido, periods becoming sporatic. My sex drive over the last two years has been on a steady rise. But now, all I can do is think about getting laid. I have this urge which grabs me without any notice or outside stimulation. I am thinking about sex with this touchable woman all the time. Though alone, I still have lots of very satisfying sex -- just not with partners. I have to keep telling myself I'm not hurting anyone and aside from the fact that it's a bit of a time waster -- it's not hurting me either. There are worse things I could be doing with my time.

With this touchable always dressed in silk and satin woman is about lust, not love. It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her "freeing energy in her body" for my sexual pleasure. I feel like I am abusing this woman by using her in this way. Still I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. ( I can't keep my hands off of her). I don’t know what to do. It is all my fault. I want to stop this. But i just can't.She is so radiant and tall and big and soft. Am I creepy? (yeah I guess so)I am basically looking if someone could help me to cope with this situation… I just don’t know what to do.

I am tiny short skinny 53year old masculine woman.I am not tough and strong. I am not intimidating.I am physically completely harmless.This touchable woman is physically stronger than me. She is always on high heels i am always in flat shoes. As i said standing next to me she looks like a giant. And I feel so guilty. I am aroused by rubbing her. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it. What is wrong with me? I am too sexually attracted to her. I just can't help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her and her shiny clothes.She is extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy. Please don’t be grossed out. I feel so guilty but i just can't stop touching this woman. I know this sounds strange and maybe even a bit sick to some. I am ugly. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I will take long drives and just think about how sad my life is, how lonely I have become, the things I regret, and what I could have done differently. I do this a few times a week, drive and cry. It makes me feel better momentarily.

I haven't been happy in years, I don't see any signs of it getting any better. I see most people getting excited for the weekend, but for me, I get depressed. I have no girlfriend. I have no one. I have friends, and I have had girlfriends and a long term (13 years) relationship, but only because people tend to like me when they get to know me. I've never received compliments on my looks. It's like my whole life is a struggle because of this. I never feel great or like a winner. I keep no pictures of myself. Sometimes I'll take some with my laptop's webcam or my cellphone, and when I look at them it's really painful. I've taken pictures from every angle and every single one of them looks terrible.

And the problem is that I can't stand to be in any type of relationship anymore because of that. I'm 53 now and the last time I went on a date was 2 years ago. Some lesbian women I've known for a while seem attracted to me, flirt or invite me to activities, but I remember how they looked at me the first time they saw me, and it just kills it for me. Maybe I'm vain and shallow.

 

Fooling around with 14yo is NOT cool.

 

What do you mean? I am not fooling around with 14yo! This touchable woman is 42year old. She is 5ft10 tall and and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes her HUGE! Standing next to me she looks like a giant. This touchable woman is physically stronger than me. She has a 14 year old daughter. I am not a kiddy toucher. I haven't seen her daughter. Still I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. And I feel so guilty. I am aroused by rubbing this woman. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it. What is wrong with me? I am too sexually attracted to her. I just can't help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her body and her shiny soft and smooth to touch when rubbing clothes.

 

Sorry, I read the part about the 14yo daughter wrong i guess.

 

I manipulated this woman. This touchable woman is convinced that i am helping her. She thinks that my touch is not sexual at all. She is standing stiff as a board while i am "freeing energy in her body". I am a horrible person. Am i evil, manipulative, selfish person? I have these thoughts all the time. Am I an irredeemable monster for what i am doing to this woman? I'm a fool who can't control myself. I'm just so upset with myself. Not sure what I can really do? I just hate myself. My concern is that I am a bad person and a sexual predator for "freeing energy in her body" touching,rubbing and groping this woman. And my selfishness leaves me disgusted with myself. I despise what I'm becoming.

 

Why don't you just buy a silk handkerchief and carry it with you when you go out, and when you have the desire to touch someone without their permission, rub the cloth instead. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you what you're doing is okay. You manipulated this woman into letting you touch her.

 

Thank you. I don't really know what i'm trying to achieve by posting here. I think i just want to tell this stuff to someone. Thank you for listening. I feel so much guilt over this. I feel I am such a horrible person. Why am I such a horrible person? My mind is so confused right now and feel like a mess. The thrill I get from touching and rubbing this woman through her satin and silk clothes is so powerful. It makes me feel invincible -- it makes me feel like I might never have to feel ashamed or insecure again. Maybe I am a monster -- and maybe I like that. The reality is deep inside I know that i am hideous looking , every time I walk past a mirror I feel a pang in my heart as I'm reminded what everyone else is looking at . Being an ugly short skinny masculine soft butch lesbian just leads you to a viscous circle which if your lucky enough will break one day but otherwise you will be in a dark pit for a lot of your life . I'm about 5'2", and when I'm out and about and look around myself on a typical day, most people seem well and truly taller than me (including women). I feel a kind of resentment, over having been born this height, identifying as a lesbian and being attracted to women, none of which I regard as my choice. I also feel envious of tall butch lesbians. When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. Because I knew I wasn't like the other girls, and attracted to what they are.

 

Well you've already gone too far. Try not to get into any more trouble than what it's worth. Tell her you feel she needs time to adjust to all of the healing you've been doing. If you can have some business cards made up and give one to her and tell her to "see you in a few months" but give her a seductive look.

 

This is what is commonly known as sexual assault.

 

I don't think I am going to make it. I know that I shouldn't do it but it is difficult to resist the urge to touch her. The cravings for touching her are becoming more intense. I am very attracted to her but only in a sexual way. It's gotten so bad I've raced home after work to masterbate thinking about her. I have not stopped attending these group meetings because of her. I want to distance myself from this woman but i just can't.She is so radiant and tall and big and soft. I know that I shouldn't do it but it is difficult to resist the urge to touch her.It's getting out of control.
I don't know what to do.I have quite a big problem.I need to get my things in order. I feel like smashing my head against a wall sometimes I just can't stop thinking.

 

I manipulated this woman into letting me touch her. i "work" on freeing up energy in her body. I know this sounds weird and outrageous. I am a horrible person. I am a bad person. The worst part is I see myself as the victim here. How do I stop this? How do I see myself for what I really am? Am I just an evil person? I want to stop touching her and rubbing her but feel like I can’t.I am drawn to her. I am short skinny and ugly.My whole life i can’t attract the women i find attractive. I’m wondering if I really am just a creepy pervert. It’s making me so anxious and I just really need some nonjudgmental advice. I’m really panicking about this. I’m severely attracted to this touchable woman and i can’t keep my hands off her. I’m worried that I’m taking advantage of this woman. I didn’t think much of it at first. She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I’ve ever slept with. Also she is always dressed in satin an silk clothes which doesn't help the situation.But she never wears anything trashy. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She has a more stylish sense of fashion but she keeps herself well covered. She is not particularly fond of wearing revealing clothes. She prefers to wear covered, yet form fitting fashionable clothes. What's happening to me?

I don't understand it. I feel the overwhelming sensation of guilt all the time. I am sick of this. I’m confused and my mind doesn’t stop. I really worry that I’m going to lose myself completely! I don't want to waste your time but I had to get some of this out of my head. What is wrong with me? I am taking advantage of her and i am afraid that i will just go even further. I came here on this forum with the hope that I would find someone to help me with advice. I wish I can find someone who can understand what I'm going through or maybe someone who's going through what I am so we can help eachother.

 

I think this touchable woman has not noticed I desire her sexually. I am really good at pretending. She thinks that my touch is not sexual at all. This touchable woman is convinced that i am helping her. Also i am not intimidating.I am tiny short skinny 53year old masculine woman.I am not tough and strong. I am physically completely harmless.

Also this touchable woman is kinda dumb. Sometimes she says some really stupid/ignorant things. Her geography is extremely bad. If somebody asked her if Australia was in southern or northern hemisphere she wouldn't know. She knows nothing about politics or the ongoing affairs of the world and thinks history is boring. To be honest the reasons I'm drawn to her are her looks and her clothes. Also she is upper middle class,stuck up snob. She is completely stuck up, spoiled and arrogant. She's a deeply unhappy woman and the only way she can feel better about herself is by feeling 'superior' to others. .

 

You need to stop going to those meetings and see a therapist. You don't have any bond with this woman beyond a sexual attraction. She is straight and won't want to sleep with you no matter how much you fondle her. If you go any further you might end up in jail for assault. Think about that next time you have the urge. We all have urges but we have to have some self control or the world would be chaos.

 

Straight guy or Lesbian. Its going to come down to the 14 yr old anyway, just the way it is

 

Thanks so much for your reply. I've posted it on here in the hope someone can understand me instead of just judging me. I am actively seeking help.

This forum is helpful to me, I would like to let everyone know I am a human being capable of and wanting to change. My actions are illegal and wrong - AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT!!

The thought that I could be a sexual predator makes me crazy. You are totally right. This touchable woman is 100% straight. She would never want to kiss a woman. She is very sexually attracted to men. She is literally 100% straight. I hate being turned on by rubbing and touching her through her satin and silk clothes and I can't seem to stop myself! I promise myself "I swear this is the last time!!" only to go on the next group meeting and do it again. It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her and groping her "work" on freeing up energy in her body for my sexual pleasure. I feel like I am abusing this woman by using her in this way. It is all my fault.

I keep asking why me. Why I have to be such a pervert? I feel so dirty and guilty. I just hate myself. Now I'm convinced I'm a perv and a sexual freak. Why am I like this? Why? My other problem is that all the women i gotten far with were not my physical type.My whole life i can’t attract the women i find attractive. By the way, this has been an issue for me since I was 16.I think i'm really ugly. I think i am just exceptionally unattractive or have some sort of defect in my demeanor and there's nothing i can do about it.

 

I’ll wear some silk and satin if you like. You can rub me all night long.

 

I have a satin and silk fetish. It's something you get as a child, I don't know how. It's not a condition but it's also not a choice, so I have to live and die with it. I just can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric because It's just so soft and smooth to touch when rubbing. For me nothing looks sexier on a woman than a shiny satin or silk outfit. I randomly walk up to women dressed in silk or satin and start rubbing their back . I've also been known to do it to strangers too. I have the greatest trouble thinking rationally when i am around women dressed in shiny silk or satin. Also I am more sexually attracted to heterosexual ultrafeminine tall curvy attractive women. They turn me on. All the women I gotten far with were not my physical type. I just did what a lot of other short skinny ugly dykes seem to do and adjust to what the market has to offer.One of the things I've noticed over the years is that I'm always attracted to heterosexual tall curvy ultrafeminine women that I know are unavailable. For me the, taller a woman the better.
Please try not to judge me too much as this forum is supposed to be accepting and non-judgemental.

I love women in silky satin clothing. If I see a tall woman with big breasts wearing satin blouse on high heels walking down the street I will be aroused. Small breasts don't really do it for me. Every time i see tall feminine woman dressed in satin or silk outfit walking around with big massive breasts & butt cheeks swaying all over the place i lose control. For me the, taller a woman the better. I feel immensely attracted even standing next to tall,curvy, feminine women. It's been a pattern since I was a teenager. I am 53year old skinny short 5ft2 tall freckled face thin lips green eyes redhaired soft butch single woman. People call me ugly alot of the times, and also make jokes about my looks. Ever since I was 14 people always call me names. I think I'm ugly and you can tell me I'm beautiful but I won't believe it. And that's my problem. I'm so firm in my views and I don't know what to do. Since childhood I have suffered taunts about being ugly,short and masculine. I suffered the worst bullying in high school, It was torture. .

 

My concern is that I am a bad person and a sexual predator for touching,rubbing and groping this touchable woman. I spend lots of time every day ruminating over why I cannot be a pervert sexual predator, and why I could be. At times I'm convinced I'm a monster. I guess the point of writing this is to see if anyone can relate and set me at ease -- even for a little while! Am i evil, manipulative, selfish person? I hate being turned on by rubbing and touching her through her satin and silk clothes and I can't seem to stop myself! It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her and groping her for my sexual pleasure.
It is all my fault.



I manipulated her. I used mental tricks to subdue her. I am practically domineering and have control over her. The thrill I get from touching and rubbing this woman through her satin and silk clothes is so powerful. It makes me feel invincible -- it makes me feel like I might never have to feel ashamed or insecure again. I can be confidant in some situations and very very shy and nervous in other situations. When I feel like I have some authority or control over my responsibilities I can be very confidant.She is so radiant and tall and big and soft. I love her height and her curvy stature. Also she is always dressed in satin an silk clothes which doesn't help the situation.

This touchable woman always looks forward to the " healing touch releasing body energy massage session" which is sort of like a very gentle massage while she is standing usually after the meetings(during the meetings i always sit behind her and rub her shoulders and back) . She doesn't talk much but i draw her into a little conversation at the end and ask her if there was anything in the "session" that she considered especially helpful or enjoyable, and if the session was something that worked for her or not. She says that after every "session" she is is both delighted and relaxed. This touchable woman is convinced that i am helping her. She says that touch has incredible healing power. She thinks that my touch is not sexual at all. I am very into rubbing her back with my left hand while i am rubbing with my right hand her whole front side concentrating on her massive soft squishy boobs while she is standing stiff as a board not saying a word. Also i "massage" her back, arms, legs and her big ass(i focus a large amount of time on her ass). And this woman is physically stronger than me . She is 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.I am masculine but i am 5ft2 tall and skinny.She is always on high heels i am always in flat shoes.Standing next to me she looks like a giant.I am physically completely harmless. But i manipulated this woman into letting me touch her.

 

I didn’t choose to be this way but I would never say its just like someone being heterosexual or homosexual. I hate myself for being a pervert. It first showed up when I was 17. I was regularly hugging and touching this woman who was often wearing satin blouses friend of my mother 's when I was 17. I've not really thought to much into this in the past, and passed it off as a phase that i might grow out of, and otherwise ignored it. Its not like i spend my life wondering around thinking about it. Its so morally wrong, and truly revolting, yet I can't help the way if feel. just needed to get this out of my head. I've never really thought about it compared to how people are supposed to think, and just accepted it as something that didn't matter. It obviously it does... .

I know how much this will revolt, shock and disgust you. I just need to get it out of my head more than anything else.Sharing has helped me already, even if you hate me. I gravitate toward tall curvy women dressed in silk or satin like fruit fly on a banana. Usually i approach random women dressed in silk or satin seemingly perplexed, and rub their backs or arms the same way someone might pat a pregnant lady's belly.Usually they are too shocked to say anything about it right then and there. And I guess that is my power - the stealthy and quick assault. These women my "victims" are physically stronger than me. I am just a skinny, short, tiny, ginger woman.Standing next to these women i look like a midget.

Only one woman punched me in the face 11 years ago August 2007. This woman is really tall like 5ft11 and she has huge breasts. She was wearing pink short sleeve satin blouse. I walked up to her at super market parking lot and said to her "Uuuu i love your blouse" AS i placed my hands on her upper chest and started rubbing in circular motions! She got mad and punched me in the face. Then she pushed me and she left. The thought that I could be a sexual predator makes me crazy. I keep asking why me. Why I have to be such a pervert? I feel so dirty and guilty.