I cannot bring myself to be turned on by him

Ohhh such a long back story... We were together for over 10 years. I was falling out of love with him the last few of those years. I'm convinced he has aspergers and communication with him has always been difficult, but I had grown weary of it and was losing my patience for it. I was unimpressed with his addiction to video games and the priority and focus he gave them. I was agitated with his persistent lying over petty things. He'd lie like a child, for fear of consequence, like he'd lie about buying weed or a video game because he knew I would be displeased. I was just so much over him, but we had been together all of our lives (since I was 19 and he was 21) and were used to getting by together and I just didn't break up with him. I was comfortable in the relationship even though we'd grown apart and my feelings had dwindled

Then I got pregnant...

And then I was sure. I can't spend the rest of my life with this guy and raise a child with him. That seems like a miserable bleak future. And I broke up with him while I was pregnant.

Baby was born. He had to move across the country because he was jobless and live in his dad's disgustingly hoarded house.

So when he was back for a court date I was like, "Just stay. Don't fly back across the country and live in that toxic environment impossibly far away from your son. Stay here, find a job, rent a room and stay."

We were supposed to live separately, but that didn't happen. We've been living together ever since.

AAANNNDD...

I'm pregnant again (that's right I got accidentally pregnant AGAIN and when my son was just shy of 9 months old no less and I suspect he did it to me on purpose). There's a pretty good chance it's his and he knows there's a chance it's not.

**So here's where we're at now**

Not officially back together, but living together and having another baby. He's making a conscious effort to be more mature and helpful and he wants to be together as a family. That sounds reasonable and nice to me, but I still don't *FEEL* in love with him, I'm still fed up with trying to communicate with him, unimpressed by his video game obsession, etc. But I'm willing to consider going to couples counselling.

The biggest problem right now is I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. I'm never in the mood (being pregnant could contribute to this but it should be POSSIBLE to arouse me). He turns me off the way he tries to turn me on and sometimes I end up getting straight up mad at him. (Just back the fuck off and stop begging; I'm allowed to not want to have sex.)

But it IS a problem. He's sex starved and I don't much enjoy feeling like I have absolutely no libido.

Advice please.

kthx

 

I got nothing. The couples counseling sounds good.

just sending you some positive vibes

 

you two need couples counselling but Asperger can cause issues if he won't work on it. There are things he can do to get better.

Pretty sure you are so mad at him that I'm sure nothing he can do it right. You are not wrong to be upset but until some of that anger comes out and gets resolved it won't go far.

You are right to have the wrights to say no but you have to explain to him that his issues are causing huge issues. He can't spend 20 hours on his game and then expect you to lay down and spread them.

Probably a good idea for him to get a room so there is time apart. If he has aspergers once he is set-up and in a routine then it will start to help. Asperger tend to not feel for others and his lying is not helping.

My grand father had aspergers and I've worked with a few people. Nothing is easy unless they want to work on things.

 

First step is he needs an official diagnosis of being on the Autistic-Spectrum. (Officially Aspergers is no longer a term legally used by clinicians, although it is casually used in speech nowadays. We are in the DSM-V now.)

Second step is your experiencing something LOTS of women go through, which is a mental block created from "settling" for what was comfortable or deemed appropriate.


Social skills training specifically would be good for him, and he will have to find and explore his interests and how that can be applied to the workforce.


I suggest studying up on Autism, and read some of Temple Grandin's books on Autism and Social Relationships.


Also keep in mind that because there is a high link between ASD's and genetic factors, that it's possible your kids could be on the spectrum as well, so it's important to teach them life skills while they are young so good habits are formed.


Also, it will always be work, if you're the type of person that expects other people to make logical inferences about stuff, you can't ever really expect people on the spectrum to do that well. You have to give them set rules and guidelines, and specific instructions on tasks. (This probably is what is turning you off, as you expect that you shouldn't have to do this with an adult.)


If you are disciplining someone with autism, you want to specifically tell them "No we aren't buying candy today" or "No we aren't getting a toy today".


Most parents would just say "No" and expect the child to understand or infer, what was being referenced when "No" was uttered. (Not gonna happen with people on the spectrum)

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Also depending on their brain's processing speed, certain careers or tasks should not be jobs they should seek out. They will probably lose those jobs, and instead of blaming them, you should just acknowledge it wasn't a good fit, blaming people is usually a pointless act as it gains no merit to the problem at hand.

Ex:

Working at Starbucks, for instance might be too much of a chaotic scene for someone to handle, and the sounds of the blenders might be irritating to them, the multitasking will confuse the sense of order and rules most people with ASD like to have in the work place.

So the first task is to find a job situation that fits, and to get him to lower video gaming to a lower priority. I suspect he is using gaming like one would use a security blanket for social interaction.

He might have previous experience attempting social real life interaction, and finding it stressful or confusing and/or pointless. Forcefully taking it away, isn't gonna help the situation at all. But there should be an acknowledgement of tasks that need to come first before recreation, and that games are just games.



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Also get on birth control if you can.


As long as you are harboring resentment for him, you won't be able to be turned on by him, because you don't see him as a equal.

Also keep in mind, that little things like:

1. Like buying a video game and playing it

aren't really the issue here, tons of guys in stable healthy relationships play video games, and there isn't this problem.

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Also the reason he can't understand your explanation on why his efforts to shape up, haven't translated into things going back to the way they were when you were 19 and him 21, is because feelings are an abstract idea.

It's common for love = checklist of things to do, and things not to do. For people with autism.

Fix the checklist of the initial problems that caused the beginnings of the emotional spat and problems, and things theoretically should go back to the glory days?



You and I understand, that emotions aren't usually that way for most people.


Hope i helped in some small way, so you understand his mind a bit better.

 

I lived like this for years. It's awful....the anxiety and dread that would fill me every time I would hear husband climb the stairs. Likely, the attraction won't return. Given you'll be parents together, you and him have to solve this together even it means having a sexless relationship and only going as deep as friends that have the same child. There could be agreement for something open with others. There are answers....they're just hard to see right now.

 

C'mon, Tuesday. You know it's not just him you're angry with. Sounds like sex will be way down on your priority list for the forseeable future. And I'm still trying to wrap my head around him making you pregnant on purpose. Seems you're not taking responsibility for yourself there.

 

right? "i wasn't on the pill and i had unprotected sex, apparently repeatedly, with my ex that i'm not attracted to. obviously it was all part of his devious scheme to force a baby into me against my will."

 

Ha! No, I'm not *convinced* he tried to get me pregnant. I've never been on the pill and pulling out worked for 10 years, then all of a sudden I'm pregnant again when my son is 9 months old. But it's whatever that's just me resenting being trapped in a pregnant body again. It doesn't even really matter.

And I'm not mad at him per se, just annoyed, unimpressed, etc.

I know that because of his asd I will be part of his support system forever, I just have a hard time romanticizing us being a happy family together the way he does. So I see counseling as necessary for us to develop a more mature relationship and better communication. He sees counseling as trying to work things out to stay together. We have to do it regardless.

I just wish I could muster up some sexual energy for him. Even sometimes he seems so sweet, being good to the baby, helping out with chores, being kind to me. And even when he warms my heart, I'm just not physically moved... and when he tries... it just does not work. It has the opposite effect and we both end up frustrated.

My sex drive has always been inconsistent, but I've never been stuck on ice cold off like this..

 

Maybe he should wear make up :biggrin:

 

I would suggest not having sex with someone you are not attracted to or into in the first place! If you are going to though some kind of birth control other then pulling out would probably be a pretty good idea. As far as staying together for the kids you are not doing them any service by having them grow up around an unhealthy and unstable relationship.

 

The lack of sex drive and arousal, can be as much psychological as it is physical exhaustion from mothering, and hormone fluctuations.


The brightside is that he's willing to go to therapy.

Also tell him that more than one therapist might be necessary until you find the right fit.

 

The therapy thing might be the best thing here. Has he ever really turn you on before or were you just having sex just to have it. If it was me I would get out of this kind relationship and just live apart. Even though you might have 2 kids together it's just going to be a super toxic place for your kids to grow up in.

 

If he does have aspergers, he should get diagnosed and treated. Especially considering your children can have aspergers as well.

As for the relationship itself... if you're unsatisfied with it, you should leave. Leave for his sake, yours, and your children. Just reading your post, I can feel the dread and that is a situation no one deserves to be in. You deserve to be happy, either alone or with someone else, and so does he. I know that it's easier said than that, but with time and effort, you two can comfortably separate. I think separation isn't so much about finding a way to make it work, particularly financially, but it's finding the nerve to do it. It's going to take some courage, effort, and time, but I think you two can do it.