How to win over someone's heart with a mental illness?

Hi there, everyone!

Hope you're all well. Hi! I am an aspiring filmmaker and full-time freelance writer. I rarely post threads and talk about such things on public forums but it's something I can't talk with real-life friends where I am from and sought to look for advice from people I find here to be honest, kind and straight-forward with their opinions plus I can stay partially anonymously.

I'll just jump straight to it. You see there is this girl I have fondly liked since 2015. She often refers to herself as a Martian (there is a probably a sad back story that she never told me). As a person, she is very kind, humble, weird, ambiverted, somewhat secretive, sweet and not really a conversationalist. I have always been a super introvert who is constantly trying to break out of his shell upon my friends' insistence but I have been programmed a certain way. So after 5 long years involving a few meetups and random chats, I summoned the strength to tell her how I really feel about her. I maintained confidence, honesty but also added a bit of humor because she appreciates that. I've always referred to her as 'my lady' or 'the Martian Queen' just as mere childish fondness or love. Previously, I gave her a few friendly gifts (books relating to science fiction), treats and kind messages (nothing flirty) filled with hints of my feelings but oddly out of innocence or something else, she never noticed.

Last year, she was forcefully befriended by a fairly toxic sinister co-worker of hers' who pretended to like her and played her last year. She was absolutely tormented both physically and mentally hurt in more ways than one while being frequently used and gaslit by him. He was a literal menace and I feel responsible that I couldn't properly be there for her (My grandmother had a stroke and being an only son to my depressed mother. I had to bear the entire burden of the responsibilities). This led her to a very bad place in her life in 2020 that it led incurred extreme bouts of depressions and PCOs. This year, her pet cat died as well just as mine did last year. I comforted and consoled her on how I coped with my cat's loss.

Fast forward to now, she says if I told her what I felt about her before she met that menace of a person. She would've agreed to my proposal but right now mentions she is not in a stable mindset to like someone at all. Perhaps at some point or moment she might but not now. I mentioned we could work together to retrieve back her lost happiness and I would greatly care for her every step of the way. However, she added that she needs to find happiness on her own despite my constant insistence to accommodate her.

She says that I deserve better since I am kind and sweet since she feels she is not the same girl she met in 2015. That I should not wait for her. I told her it would be uncharacteristic of me to give up on her in this condition since I don't do that with my friends. Not now not ever. I told her I can help her heal and we can work together to fight this. That I can serve a part in redeeming and revitalizing herself. I understand I waited tremendously long but I honestly want to help her completely and in a way be with her as well.

In the end, she admits that she does not capacity to like or love anyone at this point. To which I said, I will wait regardless so we could be friends for now and I would make efforts to help her recover. She agrees to being friends but she feels the responsibility to not go into a relationship right now which could ruin my life. I always been a great listener, non-judgemental confidant, a healer to my loved ones and a true friend to few people I love or care about whether friends or family.

What do you think I should do? I am really at my highest indecisive crossroads here at this point in my life when deep down all I want to do is start a relationship\even marry her or fully support\comfort her and offer her all the happiness and care in the world that I can possibly muster (since I always been a one-woman man). And I feel she is the one.

What would you advise one of your best friends? What would be the right thing to do? Should I become indifferent and walk away from pushing for a relationship and just be typical friends like we always were? Or shall I wait as promised, be tremendously kind and listen as much as I can to one day hopefully develop a loving fondness towards me or would that be unfair to both her and me? I am sort of old-fashioned in these matters so I would be extremely grateful to anyone who understands my case and could be kind enough to help me out.

Love and Regards,
Ishnad

 

I wish I had seen this post weeks ago. Ishnad probably won't return to the forum since there has been no response. What I see here is a white knight syndrome. Ishnad wants to ride in on his steed and slay all her troubles becoming the hero in her life. He wants to undue all the terrible things that happened to her. Trouble is some of those things she has done to herself and will continue to do so. Basically she has told him she doesn't want him to try to make it all better. The "you deserve better" tact is her way of saying she can't handle his involvement mentally. She needs space in her life without Ishnad to work through her issues. He needs to ease off the accelerator. They can remain in contact as it will do her some good but to become the cure all will tax him mentally to the point where he will become more frustrated and at a loss. This is where he is with this post right now and it will only get worse if he pushes it further. Back off and let her come to you in her time. Beware she may never do it.

 

I'd take her at her word, mate.
My Beloved has been off her meds for 72 hours now. I spent my evening pretty much like the previous one; getting screamed at and cursed and told repeatedly in great detail how much I'm hated. Again, I've had about four hour's sleep. Between bouts of white-hot rage, she's suicidal. No offense intended, but you've no bloody idea what you're signing up for.
While I applaud your good intentions, there are some things (lots of things, actually) that love simply can't fix.
Be her friend; that's what she's asking for and undoubtedly what she needs.