How to masturbate a chick hampster

As a geek/nerd/freak, 3 things are certain:

1) You are a virgin.

2) You have no freinds, let alone a girlfreind. Part of this could be the fact that you live with your parents and never leave the house except to go to school.

3) You own a hamster or some other pet, because the feeling that another life form depends on you is the only thing that gives your life any real value.

If this is you, and you own a FEMALE hamster, read on.

BTW we are talking about the 'normal' hamster, aka the syrian or golden hamsters. In petsmart they are sold as 'short haired' or long haired hamsters. If you wanna try this with dwarf hamsters, then you are really and truly phucked in the head.

Beneath the surface, a hamster appears to be a random and stupid animal. It's movements are unpredictable, without purpose, and it runs around for ages on a wheel without realizing it hasnt actually gone anywhere. But I've owned about 30 hamsters in my time, and as I studied them, I realized that they are facinating creatures. Their randomness comes from the fact that animals live for the moment- they do not sit there and contemplate what-if's as we humans do. They also share the intelligence of a cat, appearing cute and cuddly until you feed them, after which they will have nothing to do with you. All this, combined with many lonely nights, can give a man a newfound appreciation for a female hamster...

Most of us typically buy hamsters as youngins from a pet store. A young hamster typically has a small set of instincts that it is born with, and the rest of its behaviors will have to be learned. For instance, a hamster does not understand the instict of 'falling' because they are not born with it. Therefore it will often have to take several falls before it learns that falling = pain. But another more interesting instinct that I found a hamster lacks from birth is the instinct to select a mate of the same specifies...

Every 3-5 days, the female hamster will come into season. By that what I mean is if she was out in the wild, she would be looking for a mate to do the nasty with. What I have found is that if you raise your hamster from when its a baby, they will believe that you are capable of mating with them until repeated experience/wisdom of age shows them that this is not so. If you have owned more than one female hamster, you will first be alerted to this 'mating period' when your hamster is several weeks old. You can ALWAYS know your hamster is sexually charged because it will be more hyperactive than usual, and its vagina will emit a NASTY scent, akin to the foulest smelling urine your nose has the displeasure to come across. However, if your hamster is still young, you will see this additional behavior. While stroking your hamster as normal, as you approach its tail, it will assume a mating position: it will lie very still on all fours, with its tail raised in the air and its gentials exposed to you- think a human female in the doggy style position. This is your hamster displaying the same behavior it would to a male hamster if it was ready to mate. Now, the hamster will try this behavior with you on several occasions, and if you do not respond to it, it will learn that you will not mate with it, and you will never be offered this chance again. You will NOT be able to seduce it into displaying this behavior once it has learned the facts of life! However, if you do respond, your hamster will continue to present its genitals to you as often as it comes into season.


MOTIVATION

Before we go any further, let me make something clear. I was joking about the loneliness and hamsters being atractive. Its a rat for god sakes, there is nothing attractive about it from a humans perspective. Why did I masterbate my hamster? Because all females equate child birth to some feeling of value in their lives. I wanted my hamster to feel like it was loved, and the only way to do this was to simulate 'mating' with it. Its no different from a man who wants his bitch to get studded just so that she can feel what its like to have some attention.


LET'S CONTINUE

Needless to say, you will not be sticking your dick into the hamster. DO NOT INSERT ANYTHING INTO YOUR HAMSTERS ORIFICES, you will cause it a lot of harm. Here is how you will simulate the mating process. 1) Get a water balloon, and fill it up with *very little* water so that it produces a balloon with a big long 'tittie' on the bottom. Next, lubricate this 'tit' with water, and your ready. Place one hand on the hind of your hamster, and with your free hand, take the balloon and proceed to rub the tit against her clit. Do it gently, and repeat for about 2-3 mins. Make sure it is well lubricated, and if you need more lubrication rub it against her water bottle to get new water on it. As you masterbate your hamster, you will find it emmiting a scent soo foul, soo nasty, that you will probably gag if you have never experienced it before. You will also see some thick milky white discharge coming from its vagina. Unbelievable, I found this act and the smell (maybe something to do with pheramones) produces an erection in me, and so one day I decided that I should have some fun too. While you masterbate your hamster, rub your cock against the ground, or use your other hand to jerk off as you normally would. The result will be a bonding experience with your pet that you will never forget. Female hamsters are incredibly horny and will present to you as often as you stick your hand in their cage while they are fertile, so I would advise you not to handle them during this period- or your hands will REAK like you'll never forget.

A pleasent result of this is that your hamster, having believed that it was mated with, will have a more pleasent disposition, whereas females who are not mated tend to be moody and quick to bite the hand that feeds them as they go through the hamster equivalent of PMS. But again, the primary purpose of this is to give your pet the loving that every woman should recieve at one point in her life- any sexual gratification that YOU recieve in this process is merely a side effect, and a telltale sign that you need to get out more.

 

It seems you've put quite a bit of thought into this.

 

Did you really read all of that... lol !!

 

That was a lot of effort to put into a bad joke

 

I thought it was only masturbation if the hamster did it herself (I've never seen a hamster inflate a balloon).

Sounds more like 'heavy petting' to me.

 

literally.