How to "get over it"?

I've had some bad experiences with sex and now I don't trust anyone to do anything even remotely physical with me.

I don't like to be kissed -- it scares me because I freeze up, panic, and can't do it. Not sure how to "practice" because even trying is very scary.
At this point I even freeze up when someone hugs or platonically touches me.

I know I COULD get over it but am not sure how.

Also, once I do get over the fear of basic physical contact ... I am sure the next time I have to get naked I am going to cry. How do I get over THAT, much less get to the point where I can reciprocate in sexual encounters?

** Please don't tell me to "try with someone I trust" because that is more or less a given. And I HAVE tried -- these terrible experiences have BEEN with people I trusted. **

 

Are you in a serious relationship right now? If not, then why do you feel that you NEED to kiss anyone? If you don't trust anyone to get physical with...then don't get physical.

 

That's a freaky question and freaky solution. Sorry.

There are a few people who want me right now, and I like all of them.
But even if I don't go with any of them, I want to be with someone again someday in the future.

No matter what, I need to address this. Just letting it sit until it cures itself is not curing it -- it's only pretending it is not there.
It will NOT cure itself, it will come bite me on the ass when I want to try again. I have to be proactive about it.

 

Suncatch22, I'm going to have to agree with you that this was some WARPED logic. I see her basic solution as the following: If you have a problem, live your life sexually ungratified and alone. Whoever the fuck traumatized you into fearing so much as a simple gesture as kindness is not entitled to one bit of a victory over your body or your mind. They have no right to reduce you to a sheepish, fearful victim, and you owe it to yourself to work on this. You have a cute pic, are of breeding age and should be out there, ready to fuck the other beautiful people

I'm so into what you said: Where you told us not to say things like "Try it with someone you trust!" It feels like everyday that a person's serious problems on these sex forums are responded to by peopel who state the obvious or seem to quote a middle school health textbook. I have a similar personal problem, with bondage. I was restrained by a bunch of perverted "doctors", and while being a male submissive it is important for me to be tied... When I meet a girl who's into tying up scrawny guys (If that ever happens), I'm going to have to learn, to be bound and deal with it emotionaly. It can be said that my problem is nothing compared to yours, it's jsut that I wanted you to know you've got people going through stuff: You're not the only one.

Suggestions? Well for my problem, when and if I do meet that girl, the universal solution is to do degrees: Starting light, and working up. For example, being "bound" with toilet paper the first time or two... to introduce psychological aspects but not make the bondage inescapable- heck, I could break free if I get scared. For you, I'd guess it'd have to be the same... by degrees. If you're affraid to be so much as touched, that's your start. How would you let a guy even touch you? No clue. It might be one of those thigns that will require sheer courage. Let him be a guy you are into only as a friend... Try hugging, etc. Start VERY light. If that fails, I'm suspecting your fears incorporate strong, powerful men. Perhaps with a guy a year or two younger than you, maybe shorter and kind of skinny and unintimidating, just initiate hand holding. I mean, find a guy who's UTTERLY harmless and hold his hand...

I don't know... I doubt any of this helped. Just know I'm here for empathy at least. Good luck

 

No, Whattever, you're helpful. I completely agree with you and do appreciate it! (Except for the part about being of breeding age ... but you couldn't know that I have an extreme fear of getting pregnant, either.)

I am sorry you experienced something horrible ... I don't think people have the right to do horrible things to each other.

I'll clarify a little: I was raped twice, once by someone physically larger and brawnier than me, and once by someone much taller but thinner (who had a black belt and had actually killed someone in hand-to-hand combat before) ... I was friends with the first and was sort-of dating the second.
But neither of those experiences actually affected me as much as having consentual sex with someone (my build and height) who I actually loved ... but who left me shortly thereafter for a better model (read, prettier girl). That was emotional rape ... now I don't trust being touched by anyone because I feel their affection is false like his was.
After him I tried to have sex with a friend (taller and much thinner, as well as more submissive, than I) with whom I shared a mutual attraction, but it failed ... I froze up when he tried to kiss me and cried while we were naked together. That was pretty traumatic and now I don't trust ANYONE.

I just wonder how I would go about getting over that. It was more a psychological wound than physical and those are much harder to heal ... plus harder for me to just plain live with in my day-to-day life.

 

I posted this once but erased it before you saw it. As you know, you have self-awareness issues. Take a self-awareness class. You will not regret it. BTW - I think you are sexy as hell. Probably look fine as hell naked.

 

I unfortunately don't have cash to take self-awareness classes ... can't I do it myself, without the class ... ? If so, how?

And I'm glad you think I must be fine, but regretfully a.) it's not true, and b.) even if it was, it would get me nowhere
Being pretty has never been "my thing" ... people tell me I am, but it doesn't really affect me. I grew up homely and got used to being homely ... although I've supposedly prettied up since then, I'd much rather be smart, and I am.
Too bad guys don't really want smart girls.

No, really ... I found out that I now have a hugging-touching phobia when my very best, most harmless friend gave me a hug the other day. Then my female roomate (also totally harmless and completely supportive) patted my shoulder and I flinched ... realized I had reached a rather bad point and decided I really needed to do something about it.

 

Also, I have at least two young gentlemen currently vying for my affection ... one is my age but looks younger, and is very slight (5'10" or so but only maybe 130 pounds if that), and the other is a few years older but also very petite and extremely shy.
I'm definitely not afraid of either of them raping me or otherwise physically hurting me ... what I'm afraid of is confusing them by being unable to return their affection at first.
I'm sure at least one would wait me out, and take it one step at a time, but in the meanwhile I would feel very sheepish and sorry for them, so I doubt I'd even ask them to endure it for me.
(Especially because, given my track record, I'm not sure I'd be worth the effort even if they DID wait me out!)

I'm not saying I don't want to try ... I don't want to try and fail. But right now I don't know how to NOT fail, so ... that's why I'm asking everyone's advice

 

I have posted to another of your threads before, and I really feel for you.

I hope you don't mind, but I have discussed your posts with a professional friend of my who is head of psychologic behaviour, and couselling in a well known UK clinic.

She has suggested a couple of things. She said this is not something you can deal with alone, it appears very deep seated, and the fact that therapy has been suggested in the past, and it appears no action has been taken for whatever reason, that maybe that you are not really ready, or willing, to change. The question then is 'why?'. She said your fear of pregnancy is common (I suddenly, when I read this, realised why you posted as you did in a previous thread!). There are many thousands of women who also have this fear and inhibition issue. She said there is a reason for this, and it is something you need to have resolved, as it is something connected with the way you view yourself, and you can be at a point where this matter sits more easily in your mind. All this was her opinion, not mine, but I think you ought to hear it. She also added :
One - You do need professional assistance - there is no escape from that issue.
Two - You do need to have some form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (look it up or on internet, and see your doctor for help).
Three - Avoid taking Anti-depressants or prescribed drugs, UNLESS they are used in conjunction with talking therapy. Drugs on their own, will not resolve anything and with supervision, can be very helpful.
Four - (this was a weird one, but I can see how this might help) There is an on-line game. It's called Second Life. It's free, and you can change your character to look like you. She recommended that you make it look like you as close as possible. There are free counsellors on that - use their internal search engine to find them - and see one. She also said that it is a virtual character. You may meet a man on there that you feel you can trust, and let your character be kissed. The physical viewing of yourself being kissed will not be easy, but it will show you, even as animation, that it is perfectly ok. Apparently this has had a powerful effect on her patients that have OCD, or touch and social phobias, and is being used in proper trials for patients with conditions such as OCD, and those who have self-esteem issues.

Might well be worth a shot, even just for the free therapy. Just remember, trust shouldn't be given, it should be earned! Don't just assume its a game, as its not real, therefore it doesn't matter. It does matter. It is a free tool to help you with.

I have to say I am in total agreement with my friend. I know counselling didn't appear to help, the last time you tried, but if you are serious about changing, then you have to put a tiny little element of trust in trained professionals, who have studied human mental and physical behavioral aspects, and give it a while before you can see a difference.

There is a way of thinking in mental health medicine...if it takes a week to hurt, it takes 3 months to heal. And if you are injured badly, you'd see a doctor right ? So why not view a mental health physician, as a mind doctor. I am not aware of anyone on here that has such qualifications, though we will all happily give you opinions, and support you, no matter what.

You ARE an attractive woman, and you DO have the right to be happy and settled in your own skin. If this is what you really want, then you gotta get serious about getting the professional help, even if you have to get a job/2nd job to pay for it. Also, there are, apparently, charities who can get you free counselling, based all over the globe. You just have to want to find it hard enough. If you do see a counsellor, it is your business, no one elses. No-one else has to know.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and if you want to, you can PM anytime.
Take care
Jinny

 

Are you in school right now sweetie? Because most post-secondary institutions (hereabouts at least) have counselors that they pay for... they want students that can finish their terms without a mental breakdown after all. But I agree with Jinny, I think you need to see a therapist either a regular one or a sex therapist I'm not sure but.. yeah. The issues you're dealing with are way more than any of us can help you fix on your own, I think some professional help alongside would do you some good.

 

Helpful advice is limited on a forum like this (no offence anyone).
Probably best if you get a counselor like Ihmurria suggested.
Time heals everything, just stay on your own for a few months until you get over it.

 

I know that you-all aren't licensed therapists ... I just wanted a fresh perspective other than mine or my friends'

I'm not enrolled in college right now, so I lost my counseling priveleges through the university.
I went to see the rape crisis counselor when I was enrolled there, but was too ashamed to go back. I feel that since my "rape" experiences were based on verbal coercion and manipulation, and not violent attack, that they are not as valid as others' -- that they just reflect my inherent weakness and lack of self-control rather than any kind of victimization.
Also, as far as my emotional trauma -- she pretty much said I had just dated an asshole and needed to get over it.
I feel as though I was wasting her time.

I don't feel stigmatized for going to counseling. I don't have any problem with it except that (even when I went to a counselor every other day for two years) it didn't work.
My counselors all either turned me into some sort of robot or empathized TOO deeply.
I have a serious problem with counseling because I have a serious problem with ALL modern medicine -- it's too drug-treatment-oriented and dehumanizes the patient. I treat all my physical ailments at home, unless I need an antibiotic ... and I don't want to solve my emotional problems with an "antibiotic" (read: antidepressant).

I hope no one read this post to mean I am about to just jump into another relationship for the sake of having one. That could not be further from the truth! I would not pursue anyone on my own, but these people have come into my life, I truly like them, and I don't want to "miss a chance."
Also, just sitting alone for another few months won't solve too much ... even if I sit alone for five years, the issue will still be there the next time I want to try.

(My mom had similar emotional issues and "let it sit" for twenty-five years ... went to counseling but avoided other people until she could feel better about being with them. She is still alone now, and will most likely always be alone.)

Basically: for me, talking is a great way to get new ideas which I can later implement, but I learn by implementing those ideas. I can talk forever about doing things, and ergo get good ideas for the next time I do them, but I really only learn something meaningful by DOING.
I think I like Whattever's approach ... to just start out very slowly and work my way along. I just don't want to go TOO slow and trap the other person ... perhaps I could find a way to meet his needs without putting myself in a bad or awkward position.

 

Time doesn't heal everything.

Finding a good counselor can be a trial. Believe me, I know, I've only ever found one who I wanted to see more than a couple of times and even then he wasn't really what I needed, just sufficient to get me through that particular rough period.

The emotional trauma thing... well, here's the problem you're going to face in dealing with that: lots of people are left, every day, for someone else. And they don't consider it to be emotional rape or even all that traumatic. That it affected you as much as it has means there's something more to it, some nerve that it hit and it's the underlying issue that made it hit you so damn hard that you need to face (with that particular problem, that is to say). Hell, even I've been left for someone else and yeah, it sucked but I got over it... but my host of issues isn't tied into that sort of problem.

 

I know. I've been told I was overreacting, but:

He was the first person who ever cared about me for who I am. We had a DEEP emotional bond, truly. But then he left me for a girl who is my exact physical opposite ... and tells me he never really meant it when he said he loved me because he never knew what love was until he met Katie -- a girl who could fulfill all his needs and put the air in his tires (so to speak).
Basically, the only person who has ever thought of me as more than a sex toy, left me for someone who was better in bed.
And there is so much more that I won't post here because it is just too long and complicated.

It really makes me hate who I am, because I can never be blonde and pretty like Katie. I can only be an Ugly Betty who is smart but not conventionally pretty. And I am not very good at pleasing men sexually, so none of them really want me.
Calls into question my validity as a human being in a relationship with another human being.

 

I'd say take it slow, don't try to rush yourself, meet someone you really like and feel you can trust and take it from there.

 

Well ... yeah.
The "really like and trust" part is sort of a given, as I said.

I'm just worried that even liking and trusting won't be enough.

I CAN handle human touch, although I don't trust the toucher's motives.
I've often thought I would be able to construct a mutually beneficial relationship if I could just learn how to kiss, and if my partner needed sex before I was ready, I could keep my own clothes on and just provide hand jobs.
But I hear a lot of guys look down on girls who don't give oral. It's infuriating, really.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I have really deep seeded trust issues that make me feel like I need to push women away when they get to close.

I understand where your coming from. I'm sorry if I rushed to answer, but theres nothing I can provide in a few paragraphs.

You can become closer to people, but who cares what 'most guys' think. Like I said, you should look for someone you really like.

Of course you'll be concerned with what he (whomever) thinks, but (don't take this the wrong way) reading vouge (or listening to sex advice from friends) isn't going to help you be more comforable with men.

Only time, trust, and perhaps counseling if you've had something traumatic happen, or maybe if you'd just like to talk to someone, will make you really feel comfortable.

Hope that helps. Take care.

 

Oh, yeah. I've never read any of those sex magazines.

I learned from experience!

Regretfully it was sort of creepy experience

I worry that even guys I like will end up getting exasperated and leaving. That is what happened before -- no one wanted to wait for me to feel more comfortable. And to be fair, how dare I ask them to?!

 

Relationships can be very healthy or unhealthy.

Trying to rush yourself to make someone stick around doesn't sound very healthy. Relationships can also make you feel very good, but from my experience, a relationship can't fullfill you.

You need to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable in a relationship. People like sex.

Guys around oh say 14-80 rush sex.

It's not nessecarily a bad thing, it's kinda breed in as a survival trait. Sex is a great thing, but if you feel uncomfortable with it because you've rushed yourself, then I'd suggest taking a little time and spending some time with yourself.

I'm not talking about masturbation. (but it helps heh)

I just mean try to feel more comfortable in your shoes. People should be together because they want to, not because they desire sex.

It happens. Don't worry if you haven't met a guy your sure you want to be with. You're not that old. ^-^

My advice would also be to not worry about giving handjobs or impressing a guy, or trying to make him stick around before you feel your ready for it.

You'll be alright. You're too young to rush yourself.

 

I'm not trying to rush.
I like sex too. That's why I've had it (well, at least, that one time).
Other times I HAVE rushed it, or been forced into it ... the time I rushed it was because he asked, and although I was not ready I didn't want him to hate me for saying no. Well ... now he hates me anyway, so ...

And now I'm so afraid to keep someone frustrated. It must be very frustrating to have a girlfriend who won't "do it" -- who won't even kiss. So if I get into anything I feel pretty obligated to learn how to do SOMETHING ...
also, it would be nice for me too. I'm not frigid, I used to love to cuddle and I think I would like kissing.

I DID find someone I wanted to be with, even though I was young. He left.

This is NOT one of those "Oh my god I'm twenty and I don't have a boyfriend I'm going to die alone" threads.
This is one of those "I am a human being and I want to be with other human beings but am afrai" threads.