How Much Should You Love Someone To Stay In Relationship?

I really do love my girlfriend, we've been together for 4 years, we have good sex, I do find her attractive and sexy, we've been crucial to each other threw some really hard times, I care a great deal about her happiness and well being, I'm willing to do things i really don't want to do if it makes her happy (like watch a crummy movie she wants to see, go hang out with her grandparents, go to a wedding I don't want to go to, ect) and I don't even resent her for it or anything.

Sometimes I just wounder if I love her enough? I think, sure I could stay with her the rest of my life and be fairly happy, but what if there is someone better for me out there? When I compare her to my first girlfriend I think about how we were madly, insanely in love and how in my current relationship I've really never felt even close that level of love. Of coarse that old relationship was not a very healthy one. I became obsessed with her and was very controlling and it ended up ending very badly and I still have emotional scars from it.... But, I've never been able to decide whether it's possible to find someone who I could love even close to as much as I loved my first girlfriend or if that is just what young, first love relationships are like and what I have now is as good as it gets in adulthood...

Even if I did want to end the relationship, who breaks up a 4 year relationship out of the blue and for pretty much no reason? It would not be a small deal. my friends and family all love her and they would absolutely not understand it if I just up and left her. It would also brake my heart because I know she would have no problem finding someone new or guys to hook up with, while I would struggle with being alone and lonely and sex deprived.... And then she would likely contact me and want to get back together or hook up or hang out and I would be so lonely and miserable I wouldn't be able to resist.

So that was a bit of ramble, lol... Anyway I'm really interested to hear what you all think.

 

I think you should be alone.

 

Well, love is not static, it fluctuates. There will be phases in your relationship where you don't care much for your partner, and phases where you're glowing with love. I think people expect a fairy tale romance, and if that is your expectation, you will be disappointed and think you shouldn't be with a person anymore.

I wouldn't over-think this relationship. I broke up with someone after many years, out of the blue. I left one happy relationship for another. It made me realize that there are many people you can be happy with in life, not just one "sole mate." I don't really have an answer for you on whether or not you should leave this current girl. Just realize that the grass is always greener.

 

Is it possible that you have a craving for an unhealthy relationship for some reason? The old 'girls like the bad boy' syndrome type of thing?

 

I think s/he does, and I think that's their problem. Ungrateful and unappreciative for what they have, so much so to the point of having contemplated throwing it away. Somebody like that, I think should be alone.

 

They think that this person won't make them as happy as another person would. That is someone who thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but doesn't realize that it is often an illusion. OP seems fairly young, and sometimes you have to be ungrateful to learn how to be grateful. I don't think they should necessarily be alone. They might not learn anything that way.

 

They've already been in a LTR and it was not healthy (per their own admission). What the person has now is being questioned (maybe the relationship they're in now is similar to the first). It seems to me like something is wrong.

I find it distasteful that OP is doing things they don't like and don't want to be doing, then saying that "I don't even resent her for it or anything.". Hmm. I think maybe OP does resent the girlfriend .. of course, this thread is exploring dumping her. But OP doesn't want to, for selfish reasons. <-- OP already admitted to being controlling.

 

I noticed that too. Those are just things you do for one another in a healthy relationship to support each other IMO.

 

It would be fine on its own but I think that plus this

and this

is spelling out the same personal flaw that OP is already aware of.

It seems to me that OP doesn't truly love the girlfriend and is only in the relationship to avoid being alone. OP is so controlling that they don't want the girlfriend (who is not even close to that level of love) to be happy with someone else.

OP is almost narcissistically pardoning the girlfriend ("I don't even resent HER for it"). Shouldn't OP be resenting themselves for being so controlling, selfish and greedy?

How MUCH should you love someone to stay in a relationship ... or ... should you let go of somebody you don't love?

 

I think I need to adjust my glasses. I completely missed the second points you posted. (even though I quoted one of them) Wow.

 

I need thick black glasses so I DON'T see as much as I do lol

 

I love my bf more then words can say,and I'm so happy with him,and it sounds like you really love your gf a lot and care about her a lot 4 years is an awful long time,you have a real love,and I think that you should stay in the relationship,as long as you and your gf are happy,and that you love each other,that's all that really matters.

 

I think you need to ask yourself

"Does being with this person make me happy?"
"Does she make my life better?"
"Do we bring out the best in each other?"
"Can I imagine my life without this person?"

Like someone else said, every relationship has its ups and downs. There is nobody that will fulfill every one of your needs and wants. There will always be compromises and there will always be things that both of you will do that you dont want to. You have to suck it up and take one for the team sometimes. You are the only one that knows if this relationship is worth continuing or not.

 

Wow, I really appreciate all your input but I think a lot of you have taken what I said the wrong way. I dont have a "craving for an unhealthy relationship". For the record I am 27 now and was 21ish in the last relationship I was talking about. I was obsessed and controlling when I was young but I am totally not that way any more. I was young and stupid and I allowed myself to go crazy and get obsessed with the relationship. I've since learn what a jerk that made me.

I am confused by the fact that you are offended that I do things I don't want to for her... I meant that I do those things out of love... To make her happy...

 

SwitchyWoman and RubyS0h0 both have it right in how healthy relationships function. But when you factor in the other aspects of the overall picture (which I've pointed out) something seems amiss (in my perspective). You asked for what people think. If my view doesn't resonate with what is real and true for you, that's fine. There are many views and perspectives from all sorts of angles. You did say "But, I've never been able to decide whether it's possible to find someone who I could love even close to as much as I loved my first girlfriend" and you said the current girlfriend is not loved on that level.

Does she love you?

 

Yes she does. It is definitely a loving relationship. I just sometimes think the love might not be strong enough or that maybe it's not really a romantic love but more of a friend love...

 

A friend love .. for who, you or her? So is it a friends with benefits sort of relationship? And if so, is that how she feels about it too? Or does she believe she's in a more serious, true relationship?

 

It is a serious relationship. I believe we both love each other.

 

So then why are you questioning staying in the relationship (or leaving)?

 

Because I often wounder if i might be happier with someone else. If I might have stronger feelings for someone else.