I have a friend of mine who has been flirting with one of her coworkers (who happens to be 7 years older than her) for a month or two. A few weeks ago, she told me that they got really close to having sex the night before, and she was extremely ashamed. She said, "...to think, I was that close to being raped..." I consoled her and she told me that she still wanted to flirt with/kiss him, but she wasn't ready, and she had not wanted it to go that far. Then 2 days later, in school, she seemed much better, and joked about it. When I talked with her a week later she told me that she "loved" him, and didn't want hurt him, but she wasn't ready. Today (a few weeks later) she told me that she is not sure if she did or didn't have sex with this guy two nights ago. She told me that she knew she wasn't pregnant because today she had her period, but she wasn't sure if she had sex or not. I have come here extremely worried about how I should respond to her. I am trying to act compassionately toward her, but I almost wish I could just grab her and shake her and say, "You are going to get hurt! This guy DOESN'T love you, and you are getting involved when you are not ready, and you have your whole future ahead of you!!! Don't ruin your life!" I haven't been able to really talk with her about it yet since we only saw each other once today. However, I don't know how I can calmly speak with her. I know that I might easily offend her if I say the wrong thing or try an intervention, but I come here asking advice on how I can somehow stop her from making a horrible mistake in her future. Lost... Diana
As she doesn't know what sex is or isn't suggests that she's not only too young for sex, but she's way too young to be seeing guys over her age. If your friend is the same age as you are, it would be best to have a confidential chat with her mom, aming sure that mom never mentions anything to anyone anytime about your concerns. By saying nothing, you allow what you know is going to happen to happen. You wanna live the guilt? Your call. Either that or you tell your friend to talk to her mom about it ~ pronto pronto now! or you will. Good choice asking advice. It shows that you're mature enough to do that, so you're mature enough to act on it.
Ok.. I'm a bit younger than MrRee and I have this slight feeling that xdianax wont think it's such a good idea to talk to anyones mom about this. It all depends on the relationship with the parents, but telling this kinda stuff can very well end up in more trouble than in a good solid communication. My advice would be to tell your friend directly over your concerns. Maybe something like this: "you know I'll support you in everything you do because you are my (best) friend, but lately there has been something on my mind and I want to tell you about it but I'm afraid you will get mad at me.. I'm very worried about you and that guy, I feel that you deserve better than him because you don't seem to be happy when you're around him and I'm worried that he'll push you into doing things you don't want to." Something along those lines maybe? Good luck sis.. and thumbs up for you being such a good and caring friend!
I agree that going to your friend's Mum would not be a good idea - Better to just tell them what you think. But - is it such a big deal? Without knowing how old your friend is, it's hard to say.
Diana, The best suggestions are the ones that come from within you. You know your friend better than anyone on this forum. You are around her all the time, and you know better than anyone the reactions she is capable of. You also have to consider any and all possible consequences you have to face over which decisions you have to make. The most important decision is your relationship with this friend. If it's in her mind to perform in a sexual relation, then it's quite possible that nothing anyone says can or will change that determination. Perhaps if she was quite aware of the consequences for engaging in such a relation, this will deter her thoughts and actions ... then again, perhaps not. If you have friends in a hospital that will allow you to view an actual birthing, perhaps taking your friend to witness such an event will be enough, it's very difficult to say. This is just a suggestion. But the one thing that is not difficult is your relationship with her. Go on more frequent outings. Walks. Keep her occupied with girl talks, afternoons at the local coffee shop just sitting and chatting. If she and you have other friends that the both of you hang out with often, perhaps the lot of you can go out and do more stuff together. Whatever you do, never let up on the kindness and compassion you may have or feel for this friend. That is more important than anything. And if she does happen to make the wrong decision, be there for her and let her know that. You might want to end your parting with her every day with that thought as well. You cannot be with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you are not her keeper. You have to hope that your communication with her has been to some benefit and that she will act on whatever advice you can give her. Just be friends ... loving-kindness and compassion ... Darrell PS: going to her parents will do nothing more than break that trust-relationship bond, so consider that first before going to them.
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. After the incident, I have noticed a change in my friend, and those around her. She seems to have a feeling of superior knowledge about the world, as if her experience has made her years older. However, at the same time, she doesn't seem to realize the seriousness of what she has done. I was not able to talk to her in school after it happened because we only see each other before school and (depending on her schedule) at lunch. And it seems that now many of her other friends have more respect and admiration for her. It is for this reason that I haven't really been able to talk with her. However, last week she text messaged me telling me she felt guilty, and asked me if I was shocked or if I felt it was right. I was delicate in the words I chose but I did try to express my concern for her situation. She said that she didn't regret whom she did it with, but she regretted where and when it happened (although she didn't go on to say where or when that was). She also said that she loves him and she didn't think he was using her because "she would know". This was extremely shocking to me because well, she seemed much more in tune with the fact that she's just 16 weeks ago, yet now it did not phase her. When I said that I wasn't sure she was ready, she told me that that night she was. Anyway, despite your advice Darrell, unfortunately, rather than becoming closer with her, it seems that we have grown farther apart in the last weeks. Often times I grow quiet in her presence, and I have said few words to her in person. She seems unaware or unconcerned. What worries me the most is that I know that this will not be her last time. It is not like she will have had sex with this man and then suddenly stop until she is 18--no, this is going to become something that will happen again and again, especially since she is working with him each week and he "drives her home" each night (although her house is literally next to where she works). I feel helpless to stop her from doing something she will regret. She seems blindsighted, and when I try to be compassionate towards her, it seems that she does not notice, and in fact is less inclined to talk with me. In love, Diana
With every beginning, there is an ending ... Friends become enemies ... Enemies become friends ... What is beautiful becomes ugly ... What is ugly becomes beautiful ... With every ending, there is beginning ... In all relationships (lovers, friends), along with the joy comes the pain ... along with the happiness also comes the sorrow ... These are the "sins" for becoming attached to things that are impermanent. Diana, I am not saying your friend will become your enemy. Please do not intrepret this response that way. I am just stating a fact that all things change. Remain open. Remain mindful. Be alert, watch ... Darrell
Unfortunately, I don't believe she would listen if I used such an approach. Recently, my Chem teacher was telling us about how her neice is in an abusive relationship, and she kind of did what I mentioned, and she said that her neice stopped talking to her, and is still in the relationship. I want to help my friend, but at the same time I don't want to simply annoy her to the point where she is not listening to me. I guess to some extent it isn't really my business, because now it has been a few weeks after the fact, and if I were to bring it up again I think she'd feel I was simply beating the issue to death. I guess I just never imagined that any of my friends would make such destructive decisions. In love, Diana
