I am trying to understand the concept of hooking up and how common it is in college today. I realize there is lots of drinking and sexual activity in college, but I guess I didn’t realize to what extent. I was never one to hook up. I preferred relationships and have only been with a few women. I never lived at college, but my girlfriend did for 4 yrs. She has had "sex" with 3 guys before me. But her definition of sex is different than mine. She only considers vaginal intercourse sex. I guess I'm old fashioned, but I would consider oral sex and anal sex to be sex, and naked dry humping and any hand usage/penetration to qualify as sexual activity, too (though more of a grey area, I guess). She considers that stuff "hooking up" or "fooling around". She said she hooked up about 12-15 times in college, sometimes with friends of hers, sometimes with people she met a few hours before. So I was a definitely a little surprised by what she told me. So I guess I have a couple of questions: Should I consider sexual activity other than vaginal intercourse as sex? How common is this behavior among college women today? Is 12-15 "hook-ups" (oral sex, sexual touching, naked dry humping) over a 4 yr period a high/low/normal amount for college women? (Should I be concerned that my girlfriend can’t even recall the exact amount?) Am I being naive to think that most women (in college or otherwise) don't have this many experiences by their mid-twenties? I don’t mean to be sexist and focus only on women’s behavior, because I am sure men do it just as often. I guess I am just trying to understand my girlfriend’s concept of hooking up and whether her behavior is typical of most college women.
1. I think anal would count as sex, but any other activity I wouldn't count. 2. I'm a female college student, and do see quite a bit of promiscuity on campus. I don't think there's one gender who has more sex than the other. Guys at my university seem to be just as if not more promiscuous than women. 3. 12-15 seems a bit high, but if she is okay with that number then I would respect that. I'm not really sure what your worry is. It seems like that part of her life is over and you two have a good thing. Maybe ask her if she'd like to talk about her experiences with you, if that would make you feel a bit better.
i think that oral and anal SEX both count as sex, and i think your a bit of an idiot if you think anal doesnt count, but thats me. hand usage is sexual activity, though not sex. dry humping/grinding is, well, it happens during making out, thats just fooling around imho. i do personally hate the term hooking up but thats just me well, ive only ever fucked 1 person who wasnt my boyfriend at the time. ive made out with 3 or 4 guys who werent my boyfriend, got shirtless with 2 of them. and im a college student. i love sex but i prefer the repeatability of a relationship 12-15 over 4 yeras. thats only 3-4 per year, thats not bad at all. once every 3 or 4 months. doesnt seem terribly high to me
Think about what you just said for a minute here, plastic bagism. If we're talking about heterosexual activity, is it mathematically possible that one gender has more sex (in your words, is "more promiscuous") than the other?
To the thread starter --- "Sex" is whatever you define it to be. I say, oral sex is sex, the other guy says it isn't. Who cares? It is what it is, the rest is semantics. Now, should you be concerned? Say, hypothetically, your girlfriend had about 5,848 sex partners. What would be your concern regarding that figure? What exactly is it that we should be "concerned" about?
When she said hooking up I was thinking kissing, grabbing over the clothes, or maybe under the shirt, that sort of thing – but nothing below the belt. So that is why I was interested in knowing what specific activities people considered sex. The numbers don’t matter per se, but the manner in which they were accumulated do, at least to me. If these activities would have occurred in the context of a relationship I think I would be much more understanding. Only one of her three “sex” experiences was in a relationship. Her hook ups were either with friends/acquaintances, or with people she had only known for a few hours. Alcohol was usually involved and she said she always regretted it afterwards. Which I think makes it easier for her to accept her behavior, but it doesn’t for me. 2 or 3 instances can be mistakes, once you start getting over ten that starts to look like a pattern of behavior. I never have had a casual hook up and don’t believe in them. Only been with two other women in any sort of sexual way, and I was in a loving relationship with them at the time. Beyond that I only have kissed three other women, nothing more. I know how many times it happened because I think sexual activities are very intimate things, and shouldn’t be done with friends/acquaintances or with strangers. So low numbers are important in the sense that they are representative of what my values are, and hopefully of hers. That is what I am having difficulty reconciling.
Ok, as far as what is considered "sex", I again maintain that it is purely arbitrary. But you may be concerned about what is "sex" because you are concerned about promiscuity. And if something isn't "sex" then it is less promiscuous. It's simple. You guys may have a difference in outlook. You guys should talk openly about it. Maybe she feels she made a mistake in the past, and it's up to you to accept her learning process. But, perhaps, you guys think differently. Casual sex may not be as unacceptable to your gf as it is to you. Communication is king. Good luck and keep me posted.
Since you asked in your original post, 15 sex partners and all the casual sex does not concern me in the least as long as it isn't compensating for an emotional need or damage. I'm a libertine.
thats partly what I am worried about, too, that she is/was compensating for something else. The fact that she regretted all those experiences, even at the time, yet she continued that behavior is what i don't understand. I don't want to force her to confront issues she's not ready or willing to. Even though we have talked about it and I have expressed some surprise as to the number of hookups, I have not yet fully expressed to her my feelings about this (ie the casual nature of her hook ups) because I don’t know if I should because nothing good will probably come of it. Or if there is anyway to express my feelings without making her feel cheap, dirty, looked down upon, unloved, betrayed, and so on. Which is the last thing I want to do. Thats why I am looking for some perspective and advice.
Well, first of all, HE (the thread starter) is...and secondly, are you saying that lesbians have less sex than gays? Or that bi-women have less sex than bi-men? That would be an absurd assumption unless you have some study to point me to. P.S. I had women swear heterosexual men had "more sex" than heterosexual women!!! lol. That's why I'm asking... The old gender stereotype of men being horndogs and women the little angel victims... Just an example of how gender stereotypes can cloud our reasoning!
My advice is this (and it is an advice relating to communication, not necessarily my opinion of your girlfriend's sexual past): 1) Omission and insencerity eventually do destroy relationships...my experience, and I've been down that road, is that not saying something that is bothering you either about your partner or the relationship will always come back to haunt you. The least that could happen (and that happened to me under different circumstances) is that your enthusiasm for your girlfriend will fade and she'll notice it; 2) Although not easy, it is possible to be both sincere and sensitive. You have to state what is bothering you, but also make sure she's aware that you're open to listen to her perspective with an open mind; 3) There is no delaying the inevitable...if there is in fact an unsurmountable difference between you guys (not necessarily the case), then the relationship will be over regardless. And you're not better off by simply postponing it because the satisfaction and fulfillment you'll get out of a relationship with someone you're at loggerheads with will soon disappear; Example: "Honey, this has been bothering me for a while...remember you told me about..." "Well, we touched on the issue, but I would like to talk about it more because I happen to have strong feelings about this and I care too much about you not to disclose those feelings to you..." "I don't believe in casual hookups and I just wanted to know your perspective on it..." "You told me about your college hookups and I was wondering, why did you do it? It makes me fell [such and such a way] but I'm here to listen with an open mind..." Etc., etc. Obviously, you're going to have to put it in your own words. But do it, and both of you will be better off for it. Good luck and again keep us up to speed.
It happens a lot. I go to a school thats a notoriouse "party" school and everyone ends up "hooking up" with someone who's no more then an aquantence once in a while. Ive done it, and plan on doing it again. Its fun, exiting, and every time your with someone new it is a learning experience. When you have 18 year old kids with minimal supervision living together in vast numbers its a perfect recipe. For the numbers; I am a single freshman and have had 4 sexual partners. Ive been with 4 girls and have had intercourse with all 4. I think thats a respectable number, it is not outlandish but does show I have 'game.' Some of my friends are in the teens, and some girls in my dorm have admitted to being in the twenites. Some of them have sex every night, with different people. I do not think that men or women as a whole have more sex then the other group. I know male and female virgins, and i know members of both groups that have had an amazing number of partners. You should understand that your wife/girlfriend (sorry i forgot) was submerged in an enviornment where that is the norm, and it does sound like she had her fun and is ready to be a good girl. The numbers you posted for us (if they are true figures) aren't too amazing. I would say they are average figures. If her past bothers you, definitly talk to her about it. However, you should understand that not everyone has an 'old school' mindset and do not take sex too seriously. If safe sex techniques are practiced a lot of risk is eliminated. Just talk things out, this should not be a problem in a relationship. Good luck.
easy...lived in dorms in my college years..heck i can wake up and see my roomate fucking someone...its normal..... had lot of sex in those years...wild parties
