hospitalization

so... anyone who is a stalker or just randomly has read some things i've written... would know that i am anorexic, have episodes that make me feel schizophrenic (i had to leave school because i was so distanced from reality, hallucinating both visually and hearing my name being yelled at me, and an overall sense of being cut off, that i couldn't interact with people in a normal way, and trying to was too stressful), i have anger problems (it gets bad. i throw things and scream and i become absolutely horrible), and i am incredibly insecure. i have problems with my identity... not knowing who i am, not recognizing myself or my surroundings or the people i know. and i hurt myself... half an hour ago i burned myself 14 times on the arm with a lighter. i cry and get really upset over small things, and i act on impulses a lot. i was thinking... i'm beginning to scare myself. and i'm considering going to northstar, a place in a city a few hours from here. it's right across from the hospital where my dad died which isn't going to help me, but i don't know what i am capable of if i'm left by myself.

what are your experiences with hospitalization? will it help me?

and, do you think i need it?

if i decide i want to go... how do i arrange it? how do i tell my mom? what if we can't afford it? will they make me take pills? i really don't want to lose a chunk of time in my life right now, i have responsabilities and things to look forward to. but i don't know what i am capable of doing and i want to be safe.

thank you...

 

What you are experiencing now is what most people experience later in life, so you are lucky in a way to deal with it now and find your way later on. Trust me it gets easier.

 

If you feel you need it, by all means, tell your mother. If you can't afford it, there are state programs that can help you out. From your descriptions, I think it might do you some good to at least try. If you want help, you can get it. But do so soon, your psychological problems are affecting your life seriously and you can get a grasp on life if you want it. Most hospitals will let you sign yourself in (if you're 18 or older) or will let your parents sign you in. Your mother could probably call them and see what the requirements are. Trust me, getting help now and waiting until later to worry about the bills is way better than your mom having to worry about paying for your funeral.

 

You aren't seeing a psychologist about any of this, are you? You should. There's no way checking yourself into an institution could be more effective than seeing a psychologist. You would get one on one attention, customized therapy, and someone who has made time available to focus on you. If you took your time in finding a good psychologist, you could find one who specializes in treating people with the conditions that you have. You won't get anything remotely like that in a public hospital. A private hospital might provide this, but that will involve talking to your mom, finding out how good your insurance is, and working your way through the rigamorale which would be totally unnecessary had you a psychologist who already knows all the ins and outs about this stuff.

Basically, the rule of thumb is this: if you're suicidal, or think you may hurt someone else, you should commit yourself. Anything other than that, don't do it unless your family has a lot of money (hundreds of thousands) to invest in long term treatment at a private facility. Once you voluntarily committ yourself, you sign away your rights, because that's what you're telling them: you are a threat to yourself and to those around you. They can make you take pills. They can strap you down and inject you with thorazine to make you docile as a rag doll if they feel like you're causing trouble. You have to write a petition to the medical director to check yourself out, and they can deny your request and hold you indefinitely. They can refuse visits from your friends and family, and confiscate all your personal possessions. Don't get me wrong, it's great that you're considering this, it shows you want help and are willing to do what it takes to get it, but committing yourself is an awefully big step, and if you haven't tried working through your problems with a trained professional, that should be your first consideration.

Both my parents have worked in crisis assessment and evaluation, my dad still does, and I've done a little volunteer work there myself, so if you have any more questions, please feel free to ask here or pm me.

 

thanks...

i went to a therapist once. one session. i didn't like it. it was for my hallucinations, and while we were talking the wall behind her was moving, the floor was moving, and there were yellow splotches all over her, and i didn't tell her until we were walking out the door. she didn't know why i was there, she just kept asking about my dad, which upset me.

fulmah, you make it sound really scary. and i'm sure it is. i definately don't want someone in control of me... but i am scared that if anything bad happens, i will do something impulsive. yesterday when i burnt myself, before i did that, i looked for pills, alcohol, and a razorblade. i couldn't find any of them, so i settled for a lighter. after i had settled down, i tried to hold the lighter to my skin again, just to see if it was really as bad as i thought.... i couldn't hold it anywhere near my skin for more than a few seconds. and i had held it directly on my skin, for about 5 seconds, more than 14 times in a row (only 14 showed, but there are burnt areas that didn't turn into holes).

is it hard to hide not taking the pills? what i'm most scared of is them putting chemicals in me... i definately don't want an injection...

thank you, you're all really helping a lot. i'm not sure what i'm going to do but i want to make a good decision.

 

I didn't mean to scare you, exactly. It's just that there's no contest between talking to a psychologist that wants to talk to you or talking to the therapists in most institutions. It's not that those therapists don't care, they just have so many patients and a lot of restrictions and guidelines they have to follow that those restrictions and guidelines can appear to take precedence over you, the patient.

You don't know if you saw a psychiatrist or a psychologist, do you? I still recommend to continue looking for a good psychologist, not a psychiatrist, until you find one that you like. Psychologists cannot write prescriptions, so no meds. They can recommend you to another doctor who can put you on meds, and it's a little easier to trust them when they do that because they've usually tried other options first. Also, having someone whose opinion you trust be on your side when you try and make a decision like whether or not to commit yourself is an invaluable thing. Remember that if you're uncomfortable talking about something, tell them to back the fuck off, that you'd rather focus on something else!

What is it about meds that bother you so much? I know they can suck, they can have some pretty nasty side effects, but I've sliced the hell out of my arms as well, and tried to drink myself to the point where I'd have the guts to take the pile of pills I had in front of me, and no matter how bad the side effects of the meds I was eventually prescribed were, they were nowhere near as bad as that constant wish to die.

You could consider calling S.A.F.E. as well (800-366-8288), they're based in Chicago but that number is a help line... simply tell them you're calling for a friend who's afraid to call herself but wants help and doesn't know what to do; they should have some good advice and/or recommendations for wherever you are.

www.selfinjury.com

 

i talked to the kind who can't prescribe meds. the other guy was supposed to come in, but we couldnt find him, and we didnt talk about my actual problems until the very end. i'm sure if we had i would have been given a bottle of zoloft immediately, that's what they do there. and zoloft definately doesn't do shit, i know people on it and they haven't changed at all.

um, for no reason, really, i got angry and kicked and punched my door and the mirror on it for... a while... and then cut myself with scissors, but they were too dull, so i used an eraser (i found out in 5th or 6th grade that if you rub your skin for a long time with an eraser, it will hurt like a bitch and leave a huge scar). i couldn't find the lighter. then i went outside, and i was looking at the sky, and i thought "you know... it really wouldn't matter if i died. god wouldn't care... everyone would move on after a while... so why don't i?"

it's the same kind of thoughts i have about eating, where i know i should eat and i'm not fat, but i think i've eaten too much and i need to lose weight. i know i am worthwhile and don't need to die, but i think i'm a waste of time and food and air and i want to die. i think the real me is hovering in between those two voices, like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.

out here, we really don't have much to choose from. if i wanted to try something different, i would have to go to anchorage, where northstar is. that's three hours away, and i don't exactly have a running car. ha. so i can't go out there and back once a week, or even once a month. it's either nothing, occasional visits with the crappy help we have here, or committing myself.

thank you so much for your help. i think i need to go... i'm just terrified of telling my mom. and what if she doesn't think i need it? then she'll know about me, but i won't be able to get better.

 

I don't know about hospitalization. There are many horror stories about the system that runs those places. I don't trust them at all. They force feed you pills and keep you locked up, and can decide when you leave. Frankly it scares the living shit out of me.

 

it scares the living shit out of me too. i have always been completely against it. i really want to work through this on my own if i can, but i keep doing these things to myself, and i'm scared that i can't stop.

 

I wouldn't be so against meds if I were you. I have an uncle with schizophrenia and it gets worse if it's left untreated. gettting something for your hallucinations could change your life for the better. Why are you so against them?

 

as long as you don't come to depend on it (I did... it was a place for me to hide) hospitalization can be good. It lets you take a step back and breathe, and gives you a safe place to solve problems

 

Because most anti-psychotics have uncomfortable side-effects, serious long-term problems, and give no relief to the negative-symptoms of schizophrenia.

 

yeah you pretty much got it... and i don't know what's in them.

it comes and goes. i'll be completely stable and okay for a while, then just go absolutely bonkers. right at this moment, i'm okay again. i don't know what they could do to help me long term, but if i get back into a mode of being scared of myself, at least a hospital could keep me from doing something really... shitty.

 

You definitely need to talk to your mom and let her know what's going on. You shouldn't be going through this alone. We're all here for you on here (I had a lot of issues when I was younger, still do...so if you wanted someone to vent to, PM me anytime. I'll give you my e-mail address and junk), but I know that online support by itself is not enough. You're such a cool person, I read your stories in the imagination thread and wow...I want to trade stories back and forth (I'm sort of stuck on my childhood still...and I can't let it out often because I'm supposed to be an "adult", but anyway). It's sad to know how your mind traps you. I don't want to encourage or discourage hospitalization, but you might want to go back to some sort of therapy and not beat around the bush so you can immediately start working on combatting your psychological problems.

Hospitalization is not for everyone. Last year, the last time I cut myself, I had a huge mental breakdown in the middle of the night. My whole world felt like it was falling apart, my grandfather had just died and then my boyfriend who I was crazy about dumped me and I had no one to talk to...so it came out on my arm. That's been a problem of mine since 9th grade, I've never been good at handling stress, anger, or extreme sadness, so I've always taken it out on myself. I have 9 scars and those scars kept me from waiting on his sorry ass to come back to me. But, a couple teachers saw the bloody scabs and they along with one of my friends reported it to the school counselor who sat and lectured me about it for an hour, then called my dad and told him to consider convincing me to sign myself into the Pavilion (what a great name for a mental hospital). I flipped out when my dad told me, there was no way I was going, no way, no how. I don't deal well with group therapy and being forced to do "activities" and whatever. That's not therapeutic to me. What I need is straight one-on-one discussion where I am just as equal as my therapist. I stopped completely when my boyfriend and I first started dating and I admitted it to him during a deep conversation and the look on his face was one of the most loving looks I've ever seen. Immediately, I found he understood, he'd done it, too, and he just asked me to stop. I told him I would if he would.

I did. But I know for some people, it's definitely nowhere that easy. If you feel that hospitalization could help you, then by all means, look into it. But if you don't, try to find an alternative. Just get help, whatever you do. You've got a mean demon and life's already too hard as it is to worry about dealing with it alone.

 

I think you should see a psychologist
I always opt to work my problems out myself, and it takes a long fucking time, and sometimes it just plain doesn't work
I am too stubborn and hard headed to ever even consider seeing a psych
I think admitting that you may need help, is a very noble thing to do

also, please, don't see a psychiatrist if you can't, using drugs to mess with the human mind is a very terrible thing to do

as far as hospitalization goes, I could never do that, I would much prefer regular sessions with a psych, and keep going on with my life

 

you're really sweet. thank you. i'm still thinking about it, and it's really hard to decide exactly what i want to do. but i know i need to do something.

 

I don't think you should be so worried over the meds, personally. As far as what's in them... if I'm understanding you correctly, that seems like an irrational fear. Everything that's in the meds today is carefully regulated and known.... it's the "natural" stuff like st. johns and such that isn't regulated with no telling what's really in them (at least in US, UK regulates them... I dunno about Canada).

I understand that there's a huge bias against meds today... I'd ask you to not fall for the same ignorance that so many others have. They can be essentially life saving and the same people who think they're evil will take an antibiotic if they get an infection. I don't have family that's schizophrenic, but I've spent enough time seeing people brought into a crisis center to know that there's no side effect on the face of this earth that's worse than full blown paranoid schizophrenia.

 

they CAN be
alot of psychiatrists over prescribe mis-prescribe and fuck people up even worse
I know people who ahve been fucked up pretty bad by the drugs they were taking, one of who attempted suicide while on her meds, soon after being taken off meds and seeing a new psychologist, she was much much better

 

Sorry, this topic is rather sensitive for me, since my bf just got out of the hospital after a 4 day stint. I would see a good pysch/ therapist first before looking into hospitalization. Let's put it this way, I would rather be in jail than in a hospital. JMHO, do what is best for you. That's the bottom line: you gotta do what will help you, not what will help me or him or her. Good luck and much love!

Peace and love

 

I know. I'm working a study on the suicide rates of teens taking antidepressants as we speak. I've worked on plenty of studies regarding antidepressants and I've read way more, and sure, mistakes are made... but by far most of the mistakes that have the most dire consequences are those that are made by the patient, like stopping their med, or not talking to their therapist about what the med is doing to them. That's concerning antidepressants. With antipsychotics, which is what we've been talking about here, the American Journal of Psychiatry just completed a study of 10,100 patients and found that there was no statistical difference of suicide attempts (successful and not successful) between patients who on the three new antipsychotics and those patients who weren't on them.

http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/158/9/1449

All I'm saying is, people shouldn't limit their options. My first recommendation is always, always, always go see a pscyhologist. Don't take meds if you don't have to... but if it comes down to wanting to kill yourself, and not being able to hold a job, to get out of bed, or facing delusions every day, and not being able to tell what's real, and what you've tried isn't really working, then take the med.