So a close friend and I got into a small argument today. She just had her first daughter, and we were talking about parenting stuff.. The topic came to a point where I was talking about how I'll give my kids the legitimate answer to any question they ask. She disagrees on the premise that kids aren't old enough to know certain things. I think that's dumb, kids can be just as smart as adults if they're raised to be inquisitive and intelligent. What are your thoughts Hip Forums patrons?
For the most part, I think you should be honest. But you also have to remember that kids, until they're 7 or 8 or so, will think in very concrete terms. So whatever you say, they'll take very literally. Some concepts are very abstract, and either can't be explained in concrete terms, and/or will needlessly worry the kid (why do grown-ups hurt each other? why don't some kids have food to eat? what does rape mean? etc.) We're dealing with a bit of this right now with my in-laws. They have custody of my 2 nephews because my SIL is a sociopath, and the 4 year old recently asked my MIL out of the blue: "Nana, why did Mommy get rid of me?" ...How the hell do you answer that??? Especially when you consider that kids of that age (3-6) have "magical thinking," meaning they think they control everything with their thoughts and actions...like, "If I ate my vegetables, Daddy wouldn't have hit Mommy." That type of thing. So you have to be verrry careful about how you approach it or they could easily internalize it. Hopefully, your friend's kid won't face these kinds of circumstances, but you get the idea. You have to respect a child's different cognitive level. It doesn't mean they're stupid at all, just that their at a different place in their lives than is necessary to understand certain things. Their brains are physically different to an adult's, and that's ok. Of course you shouldn't outright lie to your child, just tread lightly with certain things. Eventually, my nephew will learn the complete truth about his situation, but right now, I'm afraid explaining things too much would add to his worry and confusion. There are certain things that my parents didn't tell me when I was really young (mostly family problems that were going on that I was unaware of) but did tell me when I got older, and I totally understand and don't feel that I was "lied" to. (I should probably mention here that I don't have kids yet...but just my 2 cents)
I think that to understand some things correctly - children should know certain other things...well they of course will understand what you 'll tell them however not the way you 'd like to
I am a single mother. My son is five and I give him the truth and as much of a complete explanation as I can for everything he asks. I also give him the truth for every time I say no (even if it is "I don't feel like it.") and I do not bluff or bribe. Very rarely does he not do what I ask. He is polite, kind, and appropriately grateful towards people. I do believe most of this is luck that I have such a perfect baby. But, I'll give myself credit as well. Telling the truth and NOT BLUFFING is what's up. Also, respect. I feel that he does what I ask because I don't abuse my power of motherhood. I am responsible for the development of an entire personality. That's my son's entire reality and how he interprets everything in his life. In a way, that's a universe I am guiding through it's growth. I am not his only influence but I am one of the biggest and most consistent. So, I don't want to fuck that up. And, i remember being young and patronized by my parents. The lack of confidence they had in my intelligence and perception was insulting and hurtful. I'm not going to show my son that same disrespect.
Although my toddler isn't asking questions yet, I know I'm quickly approaching the 'why' stage... I plan on being truthful and honest about everything she asks about. As a kid I was 'sheltered', my questions were just drowned out with made up bullshit lies. I didn't know at the time but it kind of hurt when I found out I was being lied to so much. I did ask very far out questions though, I remember at the age of about 7 sitting at the table eating dinner and asking why there were children starving on the other side of the world but I got 3 meals a day...obviously a hard question to answer but the answers I'd get were ridiculous sometimes, if I remember correctly the answer to that particular question was 'because they just are and you just do...' which didn't answer anything. I haven't really thought about the whole santa, tooth fairy thing yet, I suppose when she is old enough to ask then I will tell her that they are fantasy to make things more fun, I want her to know that using her imagination to have fun is a good thing, so instead of cramming her head with fairy tales and Christmas characters I am going to tell her the truth and let her own fantasies about these things be our traditions. I remember being angry at my parents when I found out santa wasn't real and so out of anger I told my younger sister and pretty much ruined it for her, I felt bad after. It is strange how such a common thing can actually be quite damaging. I also hope to show her how different people from different backgrounds, races, religions etc are each individuals but all the same and all human! (Once again I was sadly sheltered from other cultures and backgrounds)
I have three children age 14 , 11 and 7 and i have been as honest and open as i can be with them if they ask me something i will tell them whats the point in lying . my parents did that and fobbed me off when they couldnt be bothered to explain something which really annoyed me as a child .
I believe everything should be shared with one's children, including not lying to them about Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
When small children ask questions, you need to be truthful. But their age is also a factor - most questions just need simple answers. If a 5 year old were to ask me: "What's sex?" I'd simply answer "it's how babies are made" Normally, thats enough for a 5 year old, they nod and wander off. As they get older they'll want more specifics and you then have to learn how to answer with more and more detail. Peace, - FM
