Holy Crap...Big Problem...

I am in DEEP DEEP regret right now, and I hate myself for it...

Last night, a few friends slept over...

They're all people my siblings and I have been close with for a while.

So, it turns out I did some things with one of them, whose my age. How did it happen? Well, there was an incident two years ago where I was so confused and sexually frustrated that I told him I might be gay and I asked if we could flash each other, blah blah blah. So this time, he brought it up and we ended up doing a little more.

It BOTHERS the crap out of me because I have no feelings for the guy!!! I did it simply out of sex because I was frustrated and used the "confused" excuse at both incidents because I wanted to experience some sexual stuff since I am so frickin pure and FRUSTRATED!!! He's somehwat attractive (a little) but in a sickening way.

I'm so ashamed at myself for doing it and I never wanted it to happen a SECOND time!!! Now things are gonna be awkward because we know that we don't exactly like each other, we're just civil. (Well, I'm just not interested in his personality, he was always trying to be good friends with me, and no, not on a sexual or relationship level).

To make the situation eve WORSE, my other friend heard us talking afterward from upstairs through the radiator!!!! She says how she only heard "mumbles" since she heard us while going to the bathroom, but I don't believe her. because after she told us how she heard us, she said jokingly how we're "gay" for each other. But then the next day says that she really didn't hear anything but mumbles. Well, then tell me how other people like my siblings heard about her discovery and my sister keeps making these gay remarks. Like she asked me if this guiy was hot and she smirked at me.

I DON'T want people to know, especially since the two of us aren't "gay" for each other. It's just an incident that happened out of chaos, exploration, etc. But I also don't want to confront this to my other friend since she might have not heard it.

Oh, and also, when we did the "stuff," I felt no satisfactory pleasure...Because I have no feelings and I feel guilty!!!!

I need support, advice, anything!!! I feel like shit!!!

 

The best thing you can do is to keep quiet, and act like nothing has happened, at least for now. This will all blow over, and be forgotten. It may not seem insignificant now, but wait 3 weeks, you and everyone else involved will hardly remember it.

Cheer up. . . don't take this stuff too seriously! It's just. . . life!

 

Yes, things are going to be awkward. Here's some advice.

Even if you're really frustrated, avoid "doing things" with people you have no feelings for. They may justifiably get the feeling that you do have feelings for them, regardless of what you say to the contrary. If you do it a second time, that makes it that much more difficult for people to believe you when you say you have no feelings for them.

It's always a good idea to talk about sex with the people you have sex with. However, it's a better idea to be discreet and to do this talking in a place where people are very, very unlikely to overhear it.

Your sister and your friend are being jerks. Be careful what you tell them.

You really need to get out there and meet lots and lots of other gay men.

Don't feel guilty about having had sex with a man.

 

It's just that I have so much morals too, you know? Like, I intentionally did this out of frustration and because I wanted the pleasure...But afterward, I didn't feel satisfied...It was terrible because I put all of my morals aside. I'm a guy who wants to do sexual things with someone I really care for and have feelings for...Because then I feel secure and the sex is worth it.
Well, we did talk afterwards (That's how they heard us). Unfortunately, I think he's looking for more out of this. Like, he keeps questioning about my "confused" state. (He doesn't know I'm definitely gay). And, when I told him that I got no feelings out of it and only did it for sex since I'm frustrated, I could tell he was insulted. (I know he's gay, even though he says he's not sure yet, either). But I KNOW that he's never going to let this drop...He'll find ways to talk about it and he'll probably try to find another way to do stuff in the future...I told him that I don't want this to be awkward either, but I know I will.
Fortunately, he'll be away for July, so I won't have to see him or know that his presence is around.

And now I feel even worse...Last night, I had a dream about this guy I know very little about whose definitely gay...And I was happy, he was happy, because there were real feelings involved, not just sex...Whenever I have wet dreams where only sex is involved, I wake up disgusted (even though it's natural) because no feelings were involved...When I woke up this morning, I was sad because I realized that my chances with this guy were out of reach and at this state I feel like I'll never get what I want in a relationship...

 

Almost all of us have morals.

So tell him you're definitely gay. If he can handle messing around with you, he should be able to handle that little bit of information.

That's a good reason not to get involved with him. Tell him that you feel that way and why you aren't interested in getting serious about him. Be straightforward and honest without being bitchy.

What you're feeling is natural and normal. Lots and lots and lots of gay men experiment sexually when there are no feelings involved, and we all feel used or exploited or otherwise bad. I'm not sure this guy who is definitely gay is out of reach; you obviously know the situation better than I do. However, this dream might be telling you what you really want or even possibly that your chances are not as out of reach as you seem to think. You very well may get what you want in a relationship. I don't know if this helps, but we all feel that way at one time or another...and often more than one time.

 

I am sorry that this happened to you- it seems that both of us are going through traumas at the same time.

I think that what seems best in this situation is communication. In fact, communication is ESSENTIAL in any sort of relationship. You must let him know that you have no feeligns for him, no matter how harsh it may sound- just don't purposely try to sound mean. In addition, ignore what your sister is saying, and try not to bring it up to anyone, except for people that you need to vent to.

This situation should pass over, as long as you want it to- what i mena by that is as long as you don't want the relationship to continue- which you dont.
As far as the frustration issue goes- I think that everyone on here can understand- including I. You were just really curious- if you didnt enjoy it, just don't do it again.

I hope this helps/
Cheers, and lOve
dylan

 

Thanks guys...

Well, I don't wanna tell him I'm definitely gay, only because I don't want the two of us to really set anything else straight. I DID in fact tell him I have no feelings or anything, and it was out of sex...I wasn't being bitchy, but honest. Whether or not he believes it, too bad for him. I don't care if he still thinks I'm confused, I'd rather keep it that way.

As far as my friend and my brother and sister, I still have NO idea if they really heard anything...They said it's just suspicious that I freaked out in panic when they said they heard us, so it sounds "suspicious" to them. I think they're lying anyway...They probably know what we were saying. I'm just afraid that they will secretly tell other people, and you know how a secret tends to leak out to more people under "secrecy," if you know what I mean...And my social world is pretty small. (Which is another thing I have to build on).

Of course we all have morals, but what I did that night did not relate to my moral standards, so I feel like shit...Oh well, time heals all wounds.

 

LogsOnSticks,

I don't know much about your situation, but I know about brothers and sisters. Chances are good that they at least suspect that you are gay, and freaking out may have just confirmed their suspicions. I wouldn't worry about them telling other people; they may be as uncomfortable about the situation as you are.

You know that you need to build on your social world....get out there and do it.

It gets better. And I hope it gets better soon.