Hippopotamus Moonlight

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by EternalHunter, Jan 13, 2005.

  1. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member


    Still you dwell in my heart,
    Bed down in the softer
    Corners of my mind
    Nestled in between
    The quantum theory
    Of physics, the
    Quadratic formula
    Of mathematics, and
    The 4 + 7 is 11
    Of basic 2nd grade boredom.
    Still I cradle you,
    Rock you in these arms
    Of forlorn yearning,
    A carousel of painted
    Ponies getting dizzy,
    Getting drunk off
    Of the lights.
    I too often remember
    What was, and how
    For those few glorious
    Settings of the sun
    I loved you in the
    Blue hippopotamus
    Moonlight.
     
  2. Hippievixen

    Hippievixen Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    oh i LOVE this one...

    'A carousel of painted
    Ponies getting dizzy,
    Getting drunk off
    Of the lights.
    I too often remember
    What was, and how
    For those few glorious
    Settings of the sun
    I loved you in the
    Blue hippopotamus
    Moonlight.'

    *thunderous applause*
     
  3. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

    Thank you. It just popped into my head one morning after a rough night.
    Cheers,
    Autumn
     
  4. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

    ~* That was a lovely suprise to wake up to. Couldn't pick a favorite part as it flowed so neatly together. Thank you. *~
     
  5. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

    Damn vixen, ya snatched my favorite part of the poem!! :p
    It truely does deserve applause, so I'll join in!
    Awesome title too!
     
  6. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

    Thanks everyone. It truly was an inspired piece.
     
  7. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

    clear, yet trippy
    nice!
     
  8. Bhaskar

    Bhaskar Members

    Magnificent!! The first 3 lines were kinda weak, but you caught me with the math stuff and the title was great. I love it!

    Couple of small things:

    Watch your capitalisation, not all lines need to start with caps and that can spoil the continuity if you do.

    Second break your lines up a little more carefully, to keep the ideas clear, for example:
    A carousel of painted
    Ponies getting dizzy,
    Getting drunk off
    Of the lights.

    would be (if I wrote it)
    A carousel of painted ponies,
    getting dizzy,
    getting drunk
    off of the lights.

    But maybe you broke it that way because of a different significance that I have failed to catch. Either way, congratulations on a wonder wonderful poem that made me smile in a big way.
     
  9. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

    Actually I like to break lines where they shouldn't be broken. I find it gives a more thoughtful quality to the lines. Thank you for your advice.
    Autumn
     
  10. Bhaskar

    Bhaskar Members

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