Hippopotamus Moonlight

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by EternalHunter, Jan 13, 2005.

  1. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

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    Still you dwell in my heart,
    Bed down in the softer
    Corners of my mind
    Nestled in between
    The quantum theory
    Of physics, the
    Quadratic formula
    Of mathematics, and
    The 4 + 7 is 11
    Of basic 2nd grade boredom.
    Still I cradle you,
    Rock you in these arms
    Of forlorn yearning,
    A carousel of painted
    Ponies getting dizzy,
    Getting drunk off
    Of the lights.
    I too often remember
    What was, and how
    For those few glorious
    Settings of the sun
    I loved you in the
    Blue hippopotamus
    Moonlight.
     
  2. Hippievixen

    Hippievixen Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    oh i LOVE this one...

    'A carousel of painted
    Ponies getting dizzy,
    Getting drunk off
    Of the lights.
    I too often remember
    What was, and how
    For those few glorious
    Settings of the sun
    I loved you in the
    Blue hippopotamus
    Moonlight.'

    *thunderous applause*
     
  3. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

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    Thank you. It just popped into my head one morning after a rough night.
    Cheers,
    Autumn
     
  4. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

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    ~* That was a lovely suprise to wake up to. Couldn't pick a favorite part as it flowed so neatly together. Thank you. *~
     
  5. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

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    Damn vixen, ya snatched my favorite part of the poem!! :p
    It truely does deserve applause, so I'll join in!
    Awesome title too!
     
  6. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

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    Thanks everyone. It truly was an inspired piece.
     
  7. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

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    clear, yet trippy
    nice!
     
  8. Bhaskar

    Bhaskar Members

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    Magnificent!! The first 3 lines were kinda weak, but you caught me with the math stuff and the title was great. I love it!

    Couple of small things:

    Watch your capitalisation, not all lines need to start with caps and that can spoil the continuity if you do.

    Second break your lines up a little more carefully, to keep the ideas clear, for example:
    A carousel of painted
    Ponies getting dizzy,
    Getting drunk off
    Of the lights.

    would be (if I wrote it)
    A carousel of painted ponies,
    getting dizzy,
    getting drunk
    off of the lights.

    But maybe you broke it that way because of a different significance that I have failed to catch. Either way, congratulations on a wonder wonderful poem that made me smile in a big way.
     
  9. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

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    Actually I like to break lines where they shouldn't be broken. I find it gives a more thoughtful quality to the lines. Thank you for your advice.
    Autumn
     
  10. Bhaskar

    Bhaskar Members

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