High(Er) Libido Woman In A Loving Relationship

Hi there,
This is my first post. I'm spending another sleepless night listening to my loved one (gently) snore away.

I am horribly sexually frustrated, and I am in love. He too loves me, immensely. As a highly sexual person, I've luckily never had problems in finding similarly sexual partners, until now. Unfortunately the person I love has a low libido in comparison to mine. Most likely due to years of alcohol/drug/cig consumption, to which I too subscribe, but it hasn't also affected my libido similarly, and unfortunately*.

To define things, I seek sexual intimacy *at minimum* once a week, and he is happy with once to twice a month, *at minimum*

We've been together for about a year and a half now. In the beginning, it was not so much an issue, as due to circumstances we didn't see each other that often, we would often be out drinking, etc. or because we would invite his ex-lovers to our bed, which resulted in great sex marathons, including spontaneous, truly lustful moments between just us after. It makes me cry when I think about how he used to view me with lust in his eyes the day after, as that no longer ever happens. The marathons no longer take place, due to obvious emotional complications on my part, but not necessarily on his. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to make some bullshit excuse to revert to us sleeping with his ex-lovers, as then at least there might be more action, at the expense of my emotional health. Give and take, give and take.

I now find myself often depressed, afraid or not wanting to even touch him intimately (cuddling, kissing, thigh to thigh in bed while sleeping, etc.) because it simply arouses desire in me. Just the simple acts of kissing, falling asleep together or waking and holding each other before getting up have become torture.

I've never been one to be sexually obsessed, but I find myself now spending days, and more often weeks, depressed due to feeling sexually unattractive and unwanted and I now think constantly about sex, and my inability to have it, something which never has happened to me before. I stare at everyone's crotches, I create pornos in my head based on a random face in the street, I analyze the glint in his eye and remember how once it used to sparkle, in regards to sexual intimacy.

I masturbate, sure, but now I cry afterwards, so it is something which I have started to avoid. I think about finding a discreet lover, but that would violate every moral fiber in me, and besides, I am love with him. I desire him, no one else.

He prefers to get himself off, always. He told me, when rather high and drunk, recently: "I'm not much for sex." The things he blurts out in these moments I've found to be the most truthful, on his part.

When we do have sex, 80% of the time it ends in him masturbating. Although I've been told that I am amazing at sex, blowjobs, handjobs, etc. by previous partners, there is nothing I can do in this respect, with him, to excite him.

We've talked, there's nothing more to talk about. It just creates discord in our relationship, makes him feel emasculated and results, within the space of a few weeks, in either no sex, or too much faked sex (on his part.)

I have tried more frequent masturbation, but that only makes me feel more sexual and more frustrated.

My frustration, to my own shame, has reached levels in which I fantasize about leaving him, if only for the consolation of being single (my sex drive drops after about three months of being celibate to the level of 'I'm not noticing shit anymore'), but I'm not willing yet to give up our relationship because of this, as I love him more than I can describe.

I am a rational person so it shames me that this has become one of the focal points of my unhappiness in the past six months of my life. There is nothing more that I can do in terms of communicating my frustration with him. He, aside from sexual intimacy, is my joy, and the love of my life. He treats me with consideration, he caresses me, we sleep wrapped around each other nearly every night, we work together, we share everything. We do not, however, live together. Should I cheat on him (can I even?) in order to smooth our relationship or should I leave him as my lover and life partner due to this? The very question I am posing makes me hate myself.

 

One life to live. Live it as YOU see fit. If lack of sex is a problem--the problem will obviously be solved with MORE sex, no? Consider including a third person-a male? Pick another person altogether? Some work this out by cheating. Please remember--dead is a looooong time. Sex is for the living. Do what you think you need to do, IMO, hopefully not crushing someone on your way to becoming satisfied. Hating yourself does no good--you are human, after all.

Some people do have quite satisfying fuck buddies, from what I read.

 

You kind of sound like me. My wife is so busy with family, kids, her mom and dad we have little time to have sex. I am a sex crazed 42 year old man...I would do it 3 times a day if I could. I masturbate alot, cause we don't have sex. I like camming with girls or guys just to get off...it's a hard thing when one of you is a sex lover and the other could do without. I feell your pain.

 

Perhaps I should consider asking him if we can have an open relationship (I have a long history of open relationships, but he does not), but that might damage things between us more than it helps me.

 

He isnt apt to change so open or leave I hate to say. Lonelyhouseboy I understand and have hi drive and am divorced now

 

Most times a low libido is caused by something. Psychological blocks concerning sex in relationships are very common for women but are just as common in men.

We can all agree that sex is pleasurable and as such we want to participate as much as possible to maximise that pleasure, if he doesn't want to participate perhaps it is time for a frank discussion about why he is not deriving pleasure from your intimacy and furthermore how you can address those issues.

I recently read an article about relationships where the partners had a substantial difference in their libidos, the couple is challenged to a month where they make rules such as not being able to turn down their partner when that partner initiates etc. I can't find the article otherwise I would link it but the gist of it is that couples found the mixture of a challenge and communication beneficial. Certainly in a loving relationship one can discuss these things.

 

As I read your story I can't help but feel there may be some psychological issues with your husband. It may not be something deep and dark, but there is a great possibility that he needs counseling to overcome past issues and possibly even medication for his libido. Very rarely a man prefers lack of sexual encounters. My next thought is about your personal self confidence. Are you maybe less confident now that he has turned you down so many times? Could this be a cycle of lack of sexual interest on his part makes you less confident, so he does not desire to sleep with a woman who feels uncomfident... ? I was you and this was my life, 1) I would be honest. Brutally honest. Either he takes care of both your sexual needs (sans masterbation) or you love him from afar and decide to have sex with someone else. 2) Request him to see a psychologist and attend marital counseling with him 3) Do something just for you. Take a pole dancing class, a put together a playlist that makes you feel good or buy your favorite bottles of wine... anything to make you feel confident and sexy enough to take charge. Maybe it's time for you to be the dominant one? 4) If this stays a problem (before you see a counselor) try giving him a questionaire. Somthing he can fill out in his own time alone without fear of judgement. There could be something you are doing that he prefers you do not do. Or, things he is embarrased to ask you to do. Give him a free for all with zero judgements (and I DO mean ZERO judgements), otherwise he may not open up to you again.

Good luck! I hope this helped somewhat.

 

Run. I married a man like that. He has a very low libido, and I think he is also not physically attracted to me, though he demonstratively loves me very deeply. He's really good to me. I love him too, and cherish his presence in my life. A few years ago, we agreed to open the marriage so he could learn about himself and about pleasure in general, and so that my urges could be satisfied. He never took any extra partners, and was even more reluctant to be sexual with me. He didn't want to be with me too soon after I'd been with another. But since he wanted to wait three days, and I typically saw an extra partner twice a week, it didn't work that way. He complained that I no longer approached him for sex, but why would I? Why expose my ego to near-certain rejection when I had a long list of contacts who always said yes? When we had to move for his career, and it was back to being just the two of us, I realized that the extra-marital partners had just been band-aids for a serious problem, not a real solution. Meanwhile, I'd developed a psychological defense to his constant rejection: the thought of sexual contact with him became repulsive to the point of nausea.

Needless to say, though we are still the very best of friends, we are definitely getting divorced. Even though it's an easy divorce with no fighting, and no greed nor revenge, it is the most painful thing I have ever known. If I had my life to do over, I would have never married him, and wouldn't have even still been dating him by the time he'd proposed. Sure, we wouldn't have gotten quite this close, but I also wouldn't be putting either of us through the divorce.

He's a beautiful soul, and the love of my life. However, I regret marrying him. There is no substitute for sexual compatibility.