Help please!!!!

Discussion in 'Gay' started by wreckerboy, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. wreckerboy

    wreckerboy Guest

    Ok, Sorry this is going to be a long one, so grab yourselves a cup of coffee or whatever :)

    Ok, I met a Guy about 3 yrs ago in the UK (Which is where I am originally from).

    The guy I met (S) also lived and worked in the UK on a visa.

    Over a period of a few months we grew very close and fell in love and he eventually moved in with me at my place.

    Things went really really well for about 2.5 yrs, until the time his visa was about to expire, we had a few little arguments in that time but nothing excessive and only about day to day things as everyone does. There was certainly no arguments as regards sex or our relationship.

    As the time drew closer to his visa expiring, he had mentioned to me about his desire to return home (Thailand), I thought long and hard about this and eventually we came to the conclusion that I would move out with him, the main reason being is that I have no family left alive anymore in the uk, so had no real ties or connections, the only connection I had in my life was him, who I was deeply in love with and the feeling was reciprocated so really It was a forgone conclusion that I move with him.

    He had told me beforehand that he had some family at home who it would be expected that he would look after financially but he also stated that he alone would be responsible for that and that I would not be involved in that aspect of his life in any monetary way. Cool I thought

    I did ask how he would manage and the reply was he could get a job easy in Bangkok as a chef which would more than cover his expenses. He was a Head chef in the uk, so that all made sense in my eyes.

    All I would have to spend out on was getting us somewhere to live and all the pieces related to that, which I was more than happy to do.

    So I sold everything I had, gave up my rented flat, and we moved to Thailand

    Fast forward, we are now living just outside Bangkok nr to his family, in a reasonably well equipped flat A/C etc.

    However, It has transpired that in order to meet his financial needs, he is not actually working as a chef, but has had to take work as a GoGo Boy.

    When I heard this my life literally fell apart around me. We have had row upon row over it.

    Now I understand the financial need, and he does look after me financially too as my visa does not allow me to work at the moment and he does look after me in that respect very well.

    But, the sex and loving side of our relationship has fell apart completely, he works sometimes 10-12 days on the run,andI may see him 2 or 3 times for a couple of hours in that time, because he is away with other men who are paying him for his time, when he is home, there is no time for me as he is on his mobile with secret msgs and calls( which I hope he keeps secret for my benefit), we have no intimate contact anymore, he hasnt hugged or kissed me now for nearly 6 weeks, if I offer to initiate things, he just huffs and tells me not to be silly, we do have sex on rare occasions, but it has come to the point where I now need a pill just to get excited as my head is full of visions of him with other guys and I just want to breakdown.

    We have had rows about it, and he says I am being selfish about it and that he is only doing it for the money and If I loved him that I would understand.

    My problem is now that I am full of jealousy I find that I cant trust him anymore I am terrified that he will meet someone who will offer to take care of him and his family for him and I cant even tell If he is lying to me or not.

    The long term plan was to open a restuarant between us, which I was going to help with financially which would involve me returning to the uk for about 6 months. In that time is he going to meet someone else who would do it for him.

    I am still madly in love with him and he says he loves me and that is the reason he does this work, so we can have a good life with all the nice stuff.

    Recently a couple of ( 'friends' customers) have giving him reasonably large amounts of money which he has spent on me and his family, and I cant help wondering why people would GIVE him what amounts to about £1k each!

    What I am wondering is

    1, Am I being selfish toward him
    2, Should I cut my losses which would break my heart to be honest
    3, Should I ride it out and see what happens.

    I really dont know what to do anymore, I am in tears virtually everyday now.

    BTW There is only 5 yrs between us, so not your usual 20-60 yr old thai set up

  2. KewlDewd66

    KewlDewd66 Member

    Only you really know what is that you want to do under the circumstances. No one else can really help here.

    Whatever you choose to do, you want to make up your mind sooner rather than later. And whatever the decision may be, stick with it.

    Try to come out of the self-imposed limitations. Do you have any marketable skills that would not tie you to working in BKK. Something that you can do online, from anywhere in the world?

    Can't you get to work, and ease his burden?

  3. meridianwest

    meridianwest Senior Member

    no point in sugar coating things. this is a very fucked up situation you're in. on one side i understand his need not to burden you with financial responsibilities that are after all his own. but on the other side i don't understand not being able to trust the person you love when things are getting hard on you. this is something one talks through with the person they live together with. this is not something you decide on your own, because it affects the other person too much.

    so he has to take care of his family, is there really no other option but to work as a hooker?

    i don't know what the best course of action in this case is. i can tell you though, if i was in an analogous situation i would not understand like he said you should. it's one thing when your lover meets someone, there's a connection and they end up in bed once. it's a whole another thing when they sell sex and regularly sleep with numerous other guys. not to mention he has become distant with you where sex and intimacy is concerned. i couldn't live like that. i fully understand how this can fuck a guy up psychologically.

    the reason he does this work is not for you. he has financial difficulties, he can't manage, that much is understandable. but most people run into bigger financial problems at one point or another in their life. and their solution is not to go out and work as a prostitute. that should never even be a consideration.

    i advise you to make it clear to him once and for all that you cannot tolerate such a situation. it is destroying you emotionally and psychologically. he's the one who has to make a choice in this mess. to come up with another way to make money, to cut costs wherever he can manage without and get out of this lifestyle. or... there are other ways to get by, there always are. this is by far NOT a necessity.

    tell him about it, tell him all of it, what it's doing to you. he loves you, he should understand. i don't know if there might be a cultural barrier between perceptions on this sort of behavior between the two nations (i know what thailand is famous for). maybe in his culture this thing is less frowned upon/more tolerated in personal relationships than in our western culture, and he needs to be aware that this isn't a trivial issue to a western mind. also, he's not just destroying you, he's also destroying himself. eventually it'll catch up with him. either he gets out while the situation is still not too fucked, or he doesn't.

    in any case, you can't go on like this. you know what you can and can't accept in a relationship. and you have to make it clear to him and stand your ground. if he doesn't respect that, then you have to let go. it's difficult to break with someone you truly love, but you can't follow him to the edge of the cliff and jump off it just because he takes that route himself.

    good luck. really. i know it sounds empty right now, but if things don't work out with him, there really are other guys in this world. amazing guys, beautiful guys. it's not the end of the world even if at the time it might feel like it.
  4. KewlDewd66

    KewlDewd66 Member

    I see MW's point here.

    Being a sex worker is more acceptable in some cultures than in others. Even in some European countries, having sex for cash has become an acceptable way of making extra money.

    A few people have come to view human sexual needs for what they really are: needs. They provide for those, against a payment. Pretty much like janitors, nannies, and many other service professionals. The whole perspective is augmented by the fact that men usually do not need deep emotional bonds to get sexual.

    True, there has to be another way of making money. But relatively few down-to-earth professions will generate the amounts of cash comparable to the money made by the escorts. There are reasons for the prostitution to be deemed the "oldest trade".

    If you feel and think in terms of a monogamous relationship, you have found yourself in an intolerable situation, and should really cut your losses, and move on.

    If you start thinking in terms of an open relationship for both of you, you may want to sit this crisis out.

    The fact that your BF has moved away from you sexually and emotionally can be a temporary issue. Or it may be something lasting. Only you can feel this.

    No doubt, you have found yourself in a very difficult position...


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