I've hit rock bottom. I can't even function anymore ... I can't sleep at night, I can't find the concentration or motivation to do work, I can't get any enjoyment out of video games, or programming (this coming from a CS major who has been programming since he was 11 years old), or playing the guitar or snowboarding, or anything. Everywhere I go, I am surrounded by hypocrites, gluttons, and assholes. I've been sticking to the ideas of virtue all my life ... I devote myself to behing honourable, and noble, and I constantly try my hardest to learn and reason. And it doesn't get me anywhere. I feel like I am in a constant state of emotional breakdown ... every day just gets worse, another sliver of happiness and hope is stripped away. I can't find enjoyment in ANYTHING. I don't know how to deal with it anymore; I'm all out of Band-Aids and that No More Ouchies spray, and I am no longer capable of just ... healing myself, of patching up my wounds and moving on. Hanging out with friends is becoming less and less helpful. Not even pot, salvia, and Kratom are helping anymore. I'm not addicted or dependent, and I don't even smoke that often compared to some of my friends. I don't know what to do anymore ... I can't even eat. I'm a naturally skinny person with an overclocked metabolism. I used to be able to eat breakfast, 3 school lunches, and dinner, and snack in between, and maintain a weight that is under-average. I'm vegan now, but beyond that, I can't even eat anymore ... I bought a belt that was the smallest size they had, poked a hole in it, and wore it snugly like that, and now I can poke ANOTHER TWO holes in it and have it fit snugly, and I just keep losing weight. I'm not anorexic, or bulemic, or have any other disorders (mentally or physically), but I'm just in this state of constant downward spiral. I'm constantly depressed and lonely, and I can't even just go and commit suicide and be done with it because if I do that, my parents will be stuck in debt from my college loans, which they won't be able to pay off because they don't have the money. And I can't even do that just because I can't betray the things I value the most, like honour. I don't know what to do ... I don't know what I CAN do ... Someone ... help me ... anyone ... please ... I don't know how much more of this I can take ...
I know how you feel... I dont want to say to much on here but Im always here to talk... you can pm me if you would like. I hope I can help ins ome way.
hikaru my friend, truly... you're a great soul, and you're doing what manyy people aren't doing in life, and living riteously... not to any dogma, but to YOURSELF - to your own God ( a beautiful God ), and you should really try to find the happiness in that God again... nature has soooooo much unconditional happiness just waiting for you, if you choose to look for it there again. i know completelyyyy what it's like having that 'happy seeker' being unconsciously diverted from good ol' mother earth (and other sources of happiness), and just becoming so aware and effected by a world that might not be so perfect. You know Gandhi said 'Be the change you want to see in the world", and you already are doing that. I don't know how to help you redirect your fixation, but i can suggest that that might be the deamon you need to conqure. It was for me, and i'm still truly fighting it my friend, but there IS a world of beauty out there... It's in meeting people like yourself *** #1 =), but also in the way you look at things. you know all about breathing and relaxing with your martial arts, continue to meditate... understand that there is a WORLD of beautiful people out there, and although it might not be in your university (because it sure as heck isn't in mine =P), but one day you will be whereverrrrr you want to be. Go to festivals! AMAZING people there, suchhhh community. I just got back from hiking the appalachian trail for a few days, and drove through some beautifullll mountain homes there. I just knew i was going to one day live in the mountains. Think about the inevitability of you one day finding that soulmate of yours, a gal who understanding you more then you do yourself!... you're bound to run into her man, move whereever you see being where your souls need to be, raising a family!!! that's beauty my friend, and that's all just waiting for you in your inevitable future. When you fret over not having these things NOWWW, when you desiree, you only convince yourself things aren't already perfect. Enjoy the perfectness that is now, and enjoy it unfold into where your heart takes it. I know you know about instant gratification =P. time will give you everything your heart needs AND wants. much much love hikaru z. peace. -ethan
start looking inward a little more. practice practice practice learn to meditate well. learn to look at yourself. Your actions have transformed you, not the world.
Hey Hikky, you have always be there to give people the best advice you can on these boards. you seem like a beutiful soul, it sadenss me to hear of your dispear if you ever wanna chat you can PM me!
Wow, thanks, all of you! But don't worry, just look at the date on this post: 12-26-2004 Yeah, I was pretty surprised to see this thread revived too. =P At first, I didn't even remember posting it to begin with, so I was mad confused. Don't worry, things are better. When you hit rock bottom, the only direction you can head is up! =) Thanks muchly for all the concern, though!
Ha ... or perhaps the disturbance caused me to be depressed? Maybe I am one with the force ... hahaha ... not!
