Help me out, please...

Hey everybody, long time no see...now I wonder if, after my long hiatus, you all could help me. I have a bit of an interesting situation on my hands, and I have no experience to know what to do about it...so okay, here goes...

2 and a half months ago I met a girl (jeez, I wonder how many times that line has been used, haha, oh well) at a 21st b-day party (and no one actually was drinking except for the one who's b-day it was, so no, we wern't drunk or anything) and we just seemed to hit it off from the first moment...although I personally thought nothing of it because I considered the girl out of my league, so I did not flirt with her or anything, we just joked, laughed, talked, all casually. Well, after the party, my friend, the one who held the party, tells me that the girl had been talking about me a lot, and had become quite fond of me. So, I then proceeded to begin talking to her online, and it soon turned into a daily thing, and soon after turned into an all day, all night thing. After a couple weeks of all the talking, I had grown incredably fond of her too, and discovered that she is, well simply put, everything I have ever looked for and wanted in a girl. Well, I casually mentioned one day a car show I was going to be in on the coming weekend, and she bacame excited and instantly said she wanted to come see me that weekend, and formed a road trip with 2 more of her friends. So they came down, spent the whole weekend with me, and stayed in a hotel. She and I just grew closer and closer to each other with each hour it seemed. And overnight at the hotel, there was "innocent cuddling" with us in the bed. We just grew to be inseperable. After that weekend, our talking became more and more, soon we were calling each other daily, tell each other how much we missed the other, the works. Then, I came back to school here in Indiana, and she made a suprise visit here, and stayed the night. We could not be seperated. We went and saw a movie, we talked, laughed, had an absolute blast. She stayed in my room with me, slept in my bed, and fell asleep holding one another. After that, we would then hold hands if we walked, or I would have my arm around her waist. Like we were together. And when she left, we embraced for a lengthy time, and I kissed her on her forehead goodbye (cheezy I know, but I'm a romantic, humor me). After that, our talks became more and more romantically-oriented, and we began talking as if we were together. Planning more visits and whatnot (she is only 2 hours away from me). She would tell me every single day how amazing she finds me, and how much she misses me, everything, and I say the same. So then, about a week ago, I finally ask her out. Not like on a date, we had already been on a few of them, but to be "with me". This is where the problem resides...

She wants to be with me, she is crazy about me, but she has this ex....and they recently broke up, maybe a month before we met. Their relationship had been 4 and a half years long, and they had even spoken of marriage....but the guy is a total asshole creep, who verbally abuses her and treats her horribly. He broke up with her for unknown reasons, and she does not want him back, yet he has stuck around, constantly calling her, and making random apperances at her home to bitch her out even more. Well, now he has come back and wants her back, and is now "doing everything he should have before" to get her back. Being "nice" and all that...so she finally told him today once and for all to leave her alone for good, and there is never hope of them being together again. And after doing so....she is now in a state of sadness and confusion. She now feels terrible, and is hurting because of this, and has come to the conclusion that, for some reason, she still has feelings for him. So...she has told me that she cannot be with me because of her current state of mind. She is head over heels crazy about me, yet at the same time, still holds feelings for this asshole ex of hers. Meanwhile I am nuts about her, and I want her so badly...and I don't know what to do. I've told her that I will be here for her, and that I understand what she is going through, because it seems its all I can do...

So that is my long story, and here I am, insanely crazy for a girl, who is also crazy about me, but can't seem to get her ex out of her head. Can someone please try and put this into a better perspective for me? Maybe tell me what I can do, explain this all to me in a better way? This was the short version, so if you have any questions about details, just ask, and I'll tell them. Thank you to whoever actually read all of this, and any help is soooooo greatly appreciated....

 

Let her end the relationship she is in before you get into one with her.
If she still has feelings for him you will just get in the way right now and fucked over and hurt.

 

Well technically the relationship has ended, a few months ago when he broke up with her, but he had continued to come back into her life day after day trying to get her back, and she finally told him off for good yesterday.

Basically, the problem is that he was such an asshole to her, and has such a control over her, that he "brainwashed" her per-say into believing that she isn't worth much, so she keeps saying that I deserve better than her, and that she doesn't deserve anything, which I keep protesting to because I know who she really is, and I see an amazing person. She just does not see this yet herself because of years of verbal abuse from him...

 

You need to do exactly what you did..just stay back, be her friend, and see what happens....thats all you can do, hang in there, if it was meant to be..it will happen !!

 

I'd say she's possibly just scared to let go. I would just sit back and take an easy, be there for her when she needs you and see where it takes you. It's difficult when you like somebody and they are with someone else and you know what could have been but still can't be with them so your sitting around waiting for her and she may never be with you. Did you ever hear the song Beautiful by James Blunt, I think that song would describe your situation well. Just tell her that you really like her and you want to be with her and that you don't approve of her ex treating her the way he does. Tell her that you will treat her way better and be there for her more then he ever was. Time is everything so give it some time and if some time from now she is still with him then why would you want to be with someone who wants to be with someone who verbally and emotionally abuses them rather then you?

Dannayelli

 

If she is STILL being controlled by him as to what he did to her-She is still in a relationship with him.
When she can totally DETACH from THAT relationship then she will be AVAILABLE for you or any NEW relationship. Right now you are a REBOUND relationship and they never last.
So for now just be her friend.

 

I agree with wizarddrew...

If you really like her...you need to wait...that way it can be a fresh, new, healthy relationship.

 

Good points...And yes, I've told her many times that I like her, and I want to be with her, and she has said the same to me. She knows I would treat her better, and she knows I am the better man for her, but its the fact, I think, that she just doesn't feel she deserves someone like me....

Yes, I am going to wait, I told her I would. Its just that I am a very impatient person by nature, its just how I am, and I have no idea how long this waiting period is going to have to be....

Also...I ordered her flowers, for no particular reason, on Friday, before this happened, and she is going to recieve them tomorrow...now I'm worried she is going to see this as an attempt to "sway her" to my side kind of thing, but I ordered these, as I said, Friday, long before this happened yesterday...so I don't know how this is going to go over now...

 

The thing about sitting back and doing nothing is that she might feel like you don't want her that bad, and the thing about begging for her love is that you don't want to get hurt in the long run if she rejects you. I don't think that it will be too long before this guy starts treating her like crap again, thats why you need to be there even if you are the rebound guy, at least it's a start. I'm sure she does like you a lot, possibly more then you think. I don't think she thinks of you as the rebound guy from what you described. I believe she will come to you in the matter of time, try not to fall in love with her anymore then you are right now, wait till she is actually with you for that to prevent a broken heart.


Dannayelli

 

even if someone is totally wrong for us and makes us feel like crap, we can love them and they can be hard to get over regardless. it took me years to not have feelings for a person who made me feel like crap. i'd say for now just keep making her feel good, show her you care for her. hopefully after awhile, it'll pay off.

 

i dont want to sound like a pessimist.... but ur screwed,,, there's a high probability that ur gonna be a "rebound" relationship, if any relationship at all. My first attempt at a relationship was very similar to yours.... I thought I could offer everything that her Ex couldnt. So in my mind iwas perfect for her...

I think if you guys have conversations about her ex then ur shootin urself in the foot. u aint gonna win her over by reminding her of how great (or horrible) her ex was.

The best advice i can give is that u'll prolly wanna give her space so she can clear her head and figure out what kinda relationship she wants (if any). IMHO if she was with her ex for 4 years she's gonna need something like 6 or more months to be in the right headspace to get into another serious relationship. Unless she the kinda girl that cant go more than a couple weeks without having a boyfriend. if thats the case then maybe your the next one, but it may be just as dysfunctional relationship as her previous one.

but the optimistic side of me says you should feel great about urself for picking up a girl that you thought was outta ur league... much like me, it sounded like you said you had little expeirence and didnt think you had a shot in hell at picking her up. but u did it anyway. thats one thing to feel good about. now imagine how many girls will fall head over heels for you now that you have reason to believe (and act) like you deserve pretty ladies' attention.

 

Hmm there is the whole leave a quarter ounce in his car and dropa dime on him approach, or the $$ to have him removed, or fall is fast approaching so a hunting accident could be very plausable.


No seriously if it was me, I would tell her it was fun, it was real but you made your choice so see ya. It would hurt badly inside for a bit but fae it, she was with this shit head and then cuase he sucks ass a bit she will take him back turning her back on what she thus far had no problems with. I mean talk about wanting more punishment.

 

BTW When you went to the car show and she brought along her two friends.
Who paid for the hotel room? Meals for her and her friends?
I would bet you did-she sounds like a user and loser.
Be more like Cartman instead of Butters.

 

Trust the girls on this one Butters, I think we know what were talking about when we say to just be there for her when she needs you even if it is just as a friend. I'm pretty sure it won't be long before she's out of that other guys life for good. As long as you remain a good guy then she'll know that she always has you to run to.

 

Actually, she and her friends split the bill for all that...so no, I did not pay...


And here is an update...it seems that he's pretty much out of the picture now. She does not speak of him at all, and hasn't for a while now. I havent heard of him calling her or anything. Plus she's now a bit more affectionate with me...back to how we were before stuff started happening...I ordered her flowers last friday, and she got them on wednesday and LOVED them, she can't stop talking about it now. She said no one had ever given her flowers before...ever...so she says I'm incredable now. She also keeps saying I'm "the perfect guy" over and over...she also suprised me with a visit yesterday, and stayed the night with me too. We cuddled in the bed all night, as we have any time that she has come to see me. So...the main problem seems to be, and this is what she says, is that she does not feel she deserves me....for some reason, my best guess is the way her ex treated her, she things so low of herself that she doesn't believe she can be deserving of a good guy like me. She puts herself down a lot, and when I compliment her, she either quickly changes the subject, or just says a very sarcastic "ok". She refuses to believe anything good I say about her....Does anyone know what I can do to help change that? She really is ana amazing girl, I see it....but the problem is, I know she knows it, she just refuses to believe it...

 

This brings happiness to my heart. I'm so glad that she left that asshole and picked you instead. And about her confidence, I think all girls can be a little hard on themselves, she is probably not use to a guy telling her all these good things about her so she might just like to hear it a lot from you.

 

Awe, well I hope thats the case....I don't know, I guess its annoying me because I don't understand how she can come visit me, cuddle with me in my bed, let me have my arm around her waist when we walk, and everything that is said, and still she won't "officially" be "with" me. I'm just a person who likes things official, so I feel like I'm still in a limbo...and I dont get why.

 

Oh Hamburgers.

 

She sounds like one of those stupid girls anyways. You said you were suprized she picked you even though shes too attractive for someone like you? You seem to not be very confident and your waiting around for a loser like her. You could be missing out on some other girl who isnt stupid like her and still stuck on that other guy.

 

Hmmmm. Sounds to me like there hasn't been any official closure yet with the other dude. The other thing may be that she just got out of that relationship and doesn't want to make anything official with anybody yet. I'm sure she intends on doing that sometime soon. It will all work out. What is her astrology sign, and what is yours? I guess I could just look at her profile. You can predict anything with astrology.