help me on my way**** empathetic and wise ears needed!

hello everybody, my name is ethan. i love you all very much , i always seem to find just the help and love i need when i need some help. right now in life, i'm in a very new, very confusing place - and like before, i've come to hear anyybody's opinion. i' always cheirsh them so so much, so if you've got a minute, this here is the story of my now - and an indescribable blossoming, and i'm in need of some major major advice!

right now, i'm finding myself very very lost. i've always layed back and enjoyed the flow of life's river, for quite a while now - almost made a non-point of it, things just were. The last little while, i've been noticing how so so so many things happen for a damn ass reason, the good, the bad, the love, the evil. it's all been a beautiful growing process, and mother fuck, i'm growing on into my shoes! i'm 19 now, i'm lovin the best i can, got this uncapturable outlook on life... but i'm finding myself holding onto a LOT of sorrow lately. lately = this last week.
the last few months i've been finding myself becoming a little religious, wiith this source of inspiration not having any name - but somewhere along the lines picking up the title 'god'. so for the remainder of my story, it'll be called god. =P.
now... i've always had dreams of communes and living off the land, harmony, and love - always knew i am meant to live my life (or a good part of it) out on communes, and just living... but i've dumped myself off from highschool into college, and here me and my dreams are just loving eachother and loving eachother. i dream of the road all day- but still in college. this last year, i've been thinking that i need to take a breakkkkk, and head on out next summer, and things were just as they always were, chillin - but a bit more ansty about hitting the road, and a growing detachment from school... but still, i was seeing the beauty in everything the best i could have, and speaking on it now, i know all was how it was supposed to be... but this last week, i had a major major major experience. the experience itself can't be put into words, put it has to do with me and god and hitting the road NOWWWW. not only hitting the road now. it all seemed so so damn obvious to me that night... and at the same time i learned to make NO expectations- to just take the first step with faith. from that moment on, in everythinggggg i've been seeing god - seeing this inspiration - this inspiration of good and growth and direction... but, this vessel is still in college...... and i've been hearing and thinking that "this ship is taking off without you!". i'm afraid that these voices will be true, even though i know there is a big chance it's just some insanity and paranoia =\\\\. but it's driving me up the wall =\\\. i dont know if my God is turning his back on me, or what =(**. right now, i'm nottt seeing myself able to leave college. i've become alright with the idea of leaving school - more then alright - but the idea of scaring my true life dad is my ruling concern (i know it shouldn't scar him, and it's just me living my heart's dream, but i know he wont be happy with it at alllllll). i've kinda brought the notion of to dad that come winter break, there's a big chance that i'll be outta here (now, in my thoughts, i told myself come winter break i'm out of here)... but i still feel that i'm not making this coined God happy, or that i'm stepping off his path. This god never ever ever became this demanding!!! never was, i never though it couldddd be!!! am i just setting down this expectation, and entangling divine destiny and attachment to this thought of simply leaving now???? i've notice lately also, that now unlike EVER before that i'm becoming very conscious of my sins - but not even true sins, just things that i think need correcting... but i dont want to let go of them even!!! like getting high! i love smoking pot, but lately everytime i do, all i hear is "man, you really should be cutting down on this... you know you're supposed to"... =\\\\. and when i'm high, i just feel like i'm willingly telling god to leave, as if he could leave. i've never been this confused, and it all happened with this notion of me needing to leave, NOW!.
(by the way, hurricane is coming right for us in south florida). do you guys understand me? basically... i loveeee this god. it seems that it's becoming less and less of the essence of 'I AM', and more of a creator and omnipresence destinymaker/It, but i'm alright with that, because all is sooooooooooooooo god damn beautiful, soooo god damn beautiful. shows me good, teaches me good by showin me bad. loves me right, shows me despair at all the right times. it used to be nature - or what simply was, now it's becoming this holy Father, and experiences verify such a father MORE THEN ANYONE'S WORDS OR MY EARLIER LOGIC COULD EVER DENY. i loveeee praying, and love sending other people god's love. i'm on fire when i'm with god, i feel and heal and love. it's all been this beautiful insanity, blossoming and beautiful, everythign was - it didn't need to fall into any God, even when there was God, even at his HIGHT - or my belief in it. now, since i've thought i need to depart, my thoughts are that he's leavign me - that my father is dying from me - because i'm staying down here and not running off. i dont want him to**** i dont know if he is, or if he is anything for that matter*!!. if i should wait till the end of the semester and leave in winter, or if he'll even be waiting.! i dont want this deal to go down guys =(. wait until that deal goes round.... dont you let that deal go down.

much much much love everybody. much love and peace. ~Ethan

 

Ethan,
Welcome, and fear not my friend. You are growing. Your Spiritual nature is developing and the thought paterns of your childhood is now awakening into adult thinking paterns.
The joy of youth, now is being replaced with thoughts of the future and how your life will be directed. The things that made you happy before now leave only questions to be answerd. This is part of growing.
You have the spirit of a Flower Child, a deep connection with God, Earth and what dwells upon it. Your search for truth and light grows as does the very bones that hold you up.
Things from your childhood thoughts change into deeper and a more meaningful direction. Your discovering the Spirit Nature of yourself. It's hard to understand as your childhood fantascy falls away and leaves you naked and vunerable. You grasp for reasoning and understanding.
The ups and down are just part of growing, as your body changes so does you priorities, like growing from the bicycle into the car. It's all very confusing at first but then you find your nitch and as you pave your road the learning comes. Your life challengages become harder and your reasoning turns to a new way of processing thought into action.
It's all part of growing.You will grow into your skin and as experience teaches you The Game of Life, you will set your rules as you see the ups and downs that life hands you.
None of us know what the future will bring to our table, we manage as best we can with what we do know. We have our Faith to keep us warm and to keep us keeping on the path. We hope and we pray for understanding and guidance.
It is ultimitly up to us and the choices we make that takes us to the realization of being who we are.
You are OK, your just growing. Hold fast to your GODSELF, it will teach you the most. Think with the most high self you have. The answers will come to you.

Brightest Blessing on your journey my Friend, your cool.
sh

 

god is dead,man is alive listen to your heart not your head.God is a concept by which we measure our pain.

 

woow , man .. I believe we all find whatever it is we need to survive, in times of sorrow and strife. It could be god, Buddha, Family, Travel, whatever man ! Just go with it little brother, inner peace cannot be found without first travelling on your own journey !

 

You will find that on Earth we are all the same energy, One...but the closest thing to yourSELF, your own personal wisdom, is that of your fathers. Disappoint him and tear your own heart but you will survive.

You still feel love, that is where 'God' touches you. Then he hasn't turned his back on you...eh, you cannot turn your back on yourself - look deep within your soul. At its heart is pure Love. Don't turn your back on love and you will always know God peace, joy harmony heaven bliss the universe forgiveness ecstasy Love...
...we are to create, keep weaving the web of creation thru technology, art, communication, etc. You can do much with a college degree to help Earth. Think of how pleased the universe will be as you defeat the spirits who try to drive you away from your own success!

Getting high is ok but a monkey can fool you if you don't keep an eye on him. Ride him around a few times and before you know it he's riding you.

You know the rocket is taking off. That means you ARE on it. Relax and enjoy life, bro. You are precisely where you are supposed to be.
peace, love and much much good calming vibes

 

well Ethan,
I could talk about God here but I think you are already on your way to finding how your human self and your spiritual self can coincide and both give you access to what you need.
Yes, Mary Is right you are growing.
You're realizing that there is alot more to life than what you have on this plane.

Now my practical advice is...If you want to take a break from school and get back to the land and nature and clear your head from that academic muck for awhile...how about going to the library or online here and check out 'backwoods home' Magazine...'Back Home' magazine and 'countryside journal' magazine.

There are usually ads in there by people who have homesteads and are looking for people to come and work on the land for room and board and learn about a self reliant lifestyle.

This to me would make better sense than just taking off to who knows where.
Sweetie take it from one who has thumbed all over this country.....ITS DANGEROUS!!!

Now if you were going to drive disregard that but file it for future reference..

If something inside you is telling you to cut down on the smoking...listen. There's probably a reason behind it.

Take your dad out to a park where its calm and tell him you need a break. And you want to respect him by sharing that instead of just taking off.


Good luck in your life,
teepi

 

thanks guys =))

this weekend i went out to the woods for a festival with a good friend, with a bunch of good good folks and music and Good ol' mother nature. it was exactly what i needed, and i've stopped spinning, for the most part =P. thank you all soso much. sosososo much =)

love always, ethan