And no, that doesn't mean I'm attracted to cars...I'm referring to the fact that I've been masturbating for so long (since the age of 6) that it's now seemingly impossible for me to get into sex with another person. I had my first real sexual encounter last night. It was with a friend of mine of 4 1/2 years. We've been strictly plutonic up until now, and for the last 3 years or so, we've really only seen each other once or twice a year, bc I've been away at college. So I know him pretty well, and I trust him, but there isn't exactly alot of sexual tension between us since we're not around each other that much. I don't know what happened last night...I thought I wanted it, and there was some anticipation beforehand, but once we started making out, it was like my brain released this "apathy hormone" and I became completely indifferent to what was going on. It really scared me, because I couldn't help but think, "this is how prostitutes do it." Not that I would ever be a prostitute, but at that point I was so completely numb it wouldn't have mattered if he were some fat old dude, I think I would have felt the same. It was depressing. The only explanation I could think of was that I knew I didn't want a relationship with him, and maybe my brain was trying to tame the attatchment hormones to prevent me from being upset and just overcompensated and I ended up feeling nothing at all. I just felt all this pressure because I've never had an orgasm in front of someone else, and it just seemed so pointless because I kept thinking, "Uh, yeah, I can do that myself." And I feel like such a selfish, frigid bitch!!!! It felt so underwhelming, and it's impossible for me to fake enthusiasm, so when he got out the condom and asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted, I kind of realized I didn't want to go into it with this feeling of indifference, so I decided against it, because I just couldn't see the point. But I felt so bad, because I didn't want him to blame himself, because I was already blaming myself, and it just turned into a weird mess. Anyway, we're still good friends, and it wasn't awkward after that. But I just feel like I'll never be able to find anyone to discover this side of myself with because most people don't have that kind of patience. And I feel like if I wait until I'm in love, I could be 40 by the time I have sex. I'm not in any rush, it's just that I feel like there's this entire side to myself that I've left undeveloped, and I've been feeling the need to develop it. I know I'm probably extrapolating this, because he's the only person I've been with, but I can't help but think that I'm going to be one of those frigid housewives whose husbands always complain because they lie there motionless during sex. It's funny, because I've always been very sexual, and I never thought I'd be like this. All the sex experts seem to say is that you should masturbate so you know what you like, but THAT'S MY PROBLEM, I've been masturbating so long I find sex with another person that I don't love pointless because I could just do it myself. I know this isn't a healthy view of sex, but I don't know what to do, because if I have sex with someone else whom I don't want a relationship with, I feel like my brain would do the same thing, and I'd feel numb again. WTF do I do?
Please....I've lived in San Francisco for the last 4 years, you think I haven't considered that? Women don't do anything for me, they're too high maintanence, emotionally and otherwise. If I wanted to see a naked chick, I'd just look in the mirror. Nothing exciting there. I get off fine on my own, I'm just not used to having another person there, but I thought that would make it more exciting. Oh well, there's always convents....
soo... if you think that masturbating too much is aproblem... why not, i dunno say, stop/cut down on masturbating? honestly sex is only trully amazing/great when its with someone who you have a connection with, especially if you have the physical and emotional connections down
I know how you feel-I've been kind of addicted to masturbation since I was about 6 myself. And I don't think it's a bad thing, either. People that can really enjoy masturbating can take their time and not just jump in bed with the wrong person. A lot of people just jump in bed with the first person that they're able to because they can't please themselves (or don't want to), and can't relieve their own horniness-that's a really bad thing. And you just think you'll have to wait until you're 40 to fall in love-don't worry, you won't have to wait nearly that long. The right guy will come along a lot sooner than you think. And casual sex isn't really what it's supposedly cut out to be. Sex with real love is. Trust me, I know. And learning about your body by masturbating can not only make you sensitive to your own body, it can also help you to understand how someone else feels, too, and really make you an all-around better lover.
Sounds like a little bit of "female performance anxiety" to me. You will improve as you get more used to male/female sex.
What happened to you is allright. Dont let it set you back sexually. If your going to enjoy sex it has to come naturally. If you rush it it just wont work. Maybe if you spend some time "messing around" with someone a few times before you have sex you will get into the whole thing. You can also try acting out your fantasies to make it more interesting. Hope I helped.
That's the best post so far, IMO. But even the above doesn't explain enough. You seem to want a silver bullet to understand your situation: masturbation, etc. My curiosity has more to do with why you didn't have a relationship with anyone up to this point? And why do you think you won't be fond of anyone until you're 40? I think it's important to inquire beyond sex here, because it sure looks like a psychological problem rather than a mechanical/physical one. It looks to me like you might experience difficulty with intimacy, though I don't mean it in a judgemental way. Communicating your concerns is a good first step. But I would stop blaming myself and seek to understand my feelings instead. Good luck.
I've had casual sex which was great. I've also had relationships which were great. I don't see how one precludes the other.
Practice, practice, practice...with different people. Excessive masturbation is a bit like having too much candy and still being to stingy to share with the rest of the kids.
Haha-well, what the eminent philosopher forgets is that the better we learn to make candy for ourselves, the better we'll be at making it for others!
Sex may require some practice for some. But what really requires a lot of practice, for everyone, is being able to share your body and emotions. I actually have similar problems to the OP's. I suspect it's an intimacy problem.
I agree. Having great sex is like being a great athlete - it takes a lot of practice, and mental and physical ability. You also have to give yourself totally to your partner - share your body completely, and unleash your emotions. Don't hold back - as you orgasm, let loose your cry of pleasure - don't suppress it. Tell your partner how good it was with him/her.
Thanks all. In retrospect, I think I did rush into it. I'm glad I didn't actually go all the way. 3 days before all this happened, I just had my first kiss (yeah, I know). At that point it was more like, "what the hell, why not?" than that I actually wanted it. I have another prospect in the works (haha, now I'm slut ) so I'm hoping that goes better. He's this guy I was housemates with all of last year, and we've got this sexual tension thing going on which I'm hoping will make it better. I think the sexual chemistry might be better this time...hopefully. And yes, I'm fully aware I have issues with intimacy, and with sharing my body, for that matter. It's a long story, and I'm still feeling a little weird/dissapointed, but I think I have the resources to work through this.
