HELP! I think my fiance is attracted to men...

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and we are getting married in 6 months. Over the past 5 years there has been some issues that have been brought up a few times, but I am still very suspicious....and I hate it!

When we first got together I noticed there was some gay porn, along with a lot of straight porn downloaded on his laptop. I let this slide because at the time I though porn was porn...I look at lesbian porn every once in awhile so what is the difference. About a year later I found an open AIM conversation with another guy talking about wanting to suck each other off. Instantly I became very sick to my stomach and confronted him. He said that it was was just an guy from his old college that thinks he is gay and doesn't know what to do, and he is just trying to help him feel comfortable. He promised that he wasn't gay and would never do anything to hurt me.

Over the past couple years I have found numerous gay porn sites that he has been on, along with many straight sites also. I also think he was looking at the men searching for men part of craigslist, where he started receiving texts from one guy. I found a text that he sent of his d*ck to this guy, this is the first time I had to leave. When we sat down to talk about it he confided in me that he was addicted to porn, our sex life has gone downhill at the time and I was concerned. He promised he would work on it and he did. He told the guy to never text him again.

He still looks at gay porn every once in awhile, but I just ignore it. We have a sex life, it's not as good as what is was in the beginning. I think he has confided in a friend...that is gay, because of some messages I found on his facebook. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me just as much, but it has turned me into this crazy person...I check everything that I can to get answers...his facebook, internet history, texts...anything! I can't imagine being without him and I am scared. We are getting married in six months, I don't want to be one of those wives that find out 20 years later their husband is gay.

What should I do? I have thought about sitting down with him and just talking..in the past I just become very emotional and just forgive and forget, but it's been eating me up for so long.

 

Gay...and straight porn. He's probably bi. And if he's faithful (which I'm starting to doubt from the texts and IMs you've found), you have no worries. I think you should be MORE concerned about him cheating on you with someone else, be it male or female, than concerned with him being flat out gay.

 

It sounds to me like you could possibly be one of those wives; though maybe he'll continue to be attracted to you. How would you feel if he PMed a pic of his cock to a girl? More threatening or less?

I would have avoided looking through his things; it doesn't sound like a very dignified thing to do. Does he even know you're doing this? I imagine he must know it and tolerates it, which in itself is a red flag. So, the first thing I would try and do is stop.

Hell, wtf am I doing in this thread? I don't believe in these kinds of relationships...

Good luck to you.

 

I am definitely not gay. I've been married for 36 years without any infidelity at all. I have to admit though, naked guys can get the adrenaline flowing. It's just a sex thing - not a gay thing - and not something I would act out on. My guess is he's the same way.
If he says he loves you and says he's not gay - and if you love him - take him at his word.
As far as the sex thing goes - I suspect he fears he has lost your respect and is afraid to show you how sexual he is.
Just love him - don't throw it away on a suspicion.

 

Seriously girl --
"Don't throw your love away, no, no, no, no
Don't throw your love away
For you might need it someday"
Searchers - 1964

 

Guys,

The writing is on the wall.

Sure, no one can predict the future, but the chances are that he may choose to act on his impulses sooner or later. You know that...

Basically, you can choose to go on with your plans and take all the risks involved or call it off and look for someone else, knowing well that this other dude may have his issues, similar or very different, too.

Whatever you choose to do, you will be wrong... I am sorry to say...

KD

 

I wouldn't get married, not yet anyways. Regardless of your boyfriend's sexual orientation it sounds like he may be interested in pursuing things of a sexual nature that may not involve you. If this were to happen now, it would be sad, but aside from that you could work with it, whether that means break up or work through it.

However, if you were married and he acted on any of his interests, it not only means the potential loss of your relationship, but the loss of a house, and the loss of a lot of money for you both (divorce).

Do yourself a favour and do not marry him, yet. Regardless of his sexual interests you'll only be setting yourself up for great disappointment. Let whatever is going on work its course and decide from there what you're going to do, whatever that may be.

 

This is great advice. :2thumbsup:

 

Why have you waited 5 years to even consider that this is a topic that you might need to approach when you state that there were signs in the beginning?

 

Thanks for the replies!

I just ignored the signs in the beginning...its human nature to be curious, I figured if I have looked at gay and straight porn before why wouldn't he? Even though there has been conversations and texts I have found, I can honestly say that I don't believe he has, or ever would, cheat on me.

If he would have sent a picture like that to a girl??....I don't even know what I would think. Nothing like that has ever happened...that I know of. It was just odd to me that is was a guy. He does know that I have looked through his phone numerous times, and he's not very happy about it...I know it's an invasion of his privacy and I hate doing it but I just wanted answers.

I guess I didn't even bother explaining what kind of person he is. We are from the country, he is a farmer...everything about him is laid back. When you first look at him and meet him you know off the bat that he has a great personality and is fun. Deep down in this big country boy is a caring heart, he wouldn't hurt a soul. I love everything about him...well, the messiness is hard to love, but I have come to accept it.

The only way I wouldn't marry him in 6 months is if he comes out and straight up says "I'm gay and I don't want to marry you"...I couldn't imagine that even happening. I should probably just believe him when he says that it was out of curiosity, and he is not gay...but I have a problem with over analyzing things.

If he is attracted to men, I want to know. If he thinks about sex with men, I want to know. I want him to be able to confide in me like he does with everything else, but I don't know how to ask him to do that without accusing him of being gay.

He shows me affection and is devoted to our future together, this is just the one thing that I just can't get off of my chest and I'm having a hard time bringing it up to him.

 

Roxyfire, let me tell you from my experience, this is something that YOU will either accept or NOT ACCEPT. Your boyfriend seems to be very much in love with you but is struggling with his sexuality. Now you have the potential to have a very interesting and extroardinary life together if you can be supportive and even turn it into something you do together, OR,,, you can continue to let it eat at you until it destroys your relationship. Your boyfriend has this curiosity which MUST be satisfied, it is up to you and your own conscience as to what you can or cannot accept within the confines of your marriage. I am now single largely due to my wife,s unwillingness or inability to accept the fact that I became bi sexual. There were other factors as well on both sides, but her breaking point was that I have a sexual attraction to men as well as women. To put it in her words, she just couldn,t wrap her head around it. Your boyfriend is who he is, now you need to decide how open minded you can truly be in order to make it work,, or walk away from it. I hope this will be some help to you, good luck.

 

You have gotten lots of good advice here. Let me throw in mine.

I had a very similar situation. Let me tell you, he is thinking about having sex with men. Call it what you want: gay or bisexual or curious. Those are just labels. Guys that aren't somehow entertaining the thought of having sex with men don't do what your fiancee is doing.

I am the man that was in a VERY similar situation. I wanted a family and thought I could deal with my attraction to men. We got married and had children. They are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I wouldn't change anything for the world. That being said, it has been emotional and difficult.

I was faithful to my wife, but when things go bad in a marraige, and there are other problems, sex is the first thing to go. I won't go into the details, but when you don't like the person you're living with because you don't think they treat you well, being intimate with them is the last thing you want to do. So, my outlet was gay porn. My wife also had the warning signs. We even talked about it before we got married, and she knew I was bi. But when she found the porn, it was all my fault, and she told everyone I broke up the marraige. Never mind that living with her was hell, even when things were "good".

If you love this guy that much, don't throw him away. Talk to him. Tell him to be honest with you. And decide what you want in your marraige. If you want strict monogamy but are OK with him viewing gay porn, that's fine. If you are open to him "playing with guys", that's fine too. You may not want to know when he does it, and if he does, tell him to be safe. But be upfront. The warning signs are there. If you continue and don't address this, you are in for years of heartache. Trust me.

We are now divorced, and I identify primarily as gay. I'm single and dating, and don't know if I will find a relationship again; I'm not sure if I want one right now. Be honest. Force him to open up. And best of luck.

 

You are saying your main problem is that you want him to confide in you, yes?? It does not seem like you have as much a difficulty with the idea of him being gay, or his sexuality, as you do with him being able to share him self with you, like you feel he is keeping something from you, and you want to know.

So if you want him to be able to tell you anything, then you must realize that you must be able to tell him anything. You say you are having trouble bringing up this issue in conversation, but yet realize he has probably the same issue. If you want to know how he truly feels in his sexuality, you have to be open to discuss that with him. If you want him to be able to be open to discuss it with you, then you can't be hesitant to be open with him and bring it up.

 

I would say it wasn’t a big deal if not for the testing and the face book. That’s some shady ish right there. I would hold off the wedding and see like a couples therapist.

 

Obviously he is bisexual at the least. You can't change him so deal with it and accept it. What about yourself? You say you watched lesbian porn. Will you have lesbian sex later on? Stop the hypocracy and double standards bitch.

 

Communication is the most important part of a relationship. Marriage does not magically solve problems. Going into marriage being unable to communicate openly is a mistake.
A healthy marriage requires unconditional love. Don't be deluded into thinking that love, or marriage, is a cure for things you aren't comfortable with. If you don't have the courage to ask the questions, or if he acts out in anger because you asked, I would take that as an indication that you two are not ready to be successful at marriage.

 

My wife used to be a lesbian, and I know she still likes women. You can just tell by the way she looks at them sometimes. Recently I told her that if she ever got the feeling to be with a woman I'd be ok with it as long as she didn't try to hide it from me/ This may not work for you but it's a thought. Would I prefer to have her to myself? Yes. But I also want her to be happy.

 

stop spying on the person you supposedly love. he has right to his privacy.

other than that, the gay porn thing might just be for him to get off. most guys watch porn and will continue to do so even in a stable relationship or marriage. this isn't something for you to tell him to stop doing. the online chats serve the same purpose. and in any case, if it is something you absolutely won't tolerate in a relationship then get out of it.

 

yeah... there isn't really an off switch.

 

i'd not listen to advice you hear from people on the internet regarding this particular problem

remember - we're talking about both a wedding and a man we've never met.

the confirmation you need regarding his sexuality you can have

he sounds like he is at least bisexual.

so with such knowledge i'd consider the appropriate next step.