HELP - freaking out over sexual worth, trust, love, self image...

First post, longtime lurker. I need input/perspective on how I have been feeling for some time now. Im 25 years old and just got out of a 2 year relationship with a very sweet girl. The relationship ended because we were simply doing it for convenience and affection, I was not being inspired/growing in any way from it (not that its her responsibility to be that impetus for me). I wish her the best and care about her a great deal, but my main concern is to first start feeling proud of myself, like Im accomplishing something and fulfilling my potential, and then I can find someone to feel intensely about.

Other than this relationship that just ended, my only other long emotional commitment was an on/off relationship that spanned 17-21 with my first love. It was an incredibly unhealthy relationship, she was very emotionally abusive and pretty much ran me through the gamut of what a girl could do to a guy (especially the first time we were together), and though things ended amicably, I should not have let it drag on as long as I did. Other than that, I have had a few lovers throughout, no one night stands, and my current number of partners stands at 5. In order to give context to my question/issue, I want to just summarize myself as a person and where I am in my life:

I graduated college two years ago and am completely unsure of where I want my life to go. I studied economics, but its worthless as a bachelors (too broad and general) and I feel I should have done something more technical. My strongest interest, that borders on a passion, is music, and I planned to start learning music production years ago and kick myself every day for waiting so long, thinking of all the wonderful places I could be now and things I could be doing if I had done it sooner. I dont know what I want to end up doing and Im terrified of making the wrong choice, only to find out Ive wasted even more time. I cant decide between grad school and the work force, the work force and entrepreneurship, etc etc. I thought I would have had my shit together by now, but I was so incredibly lazy through college that I coasted through what could have been a very good opportunity to learn, grow, and network.

As a result, I am left feeling very little self worth. My entire life Ive been told how intelligent I am, but was never disciplined and never wanted to put the work into harnessing it. Now I have this vague concept of this awesome potential I have, and Im paralyzed with fear that I have waited too long, and it is now too late to realize it, and I am destined/doomed to mediocrity. The only thing I can do well reliably right now is identify good music and compose it in my head.

An adolescence full of pornography and an early shyness around girls has left me with a lot of sexual hangups. I was a hairy guy in high school; I became extremely self conscious about my body and became an obsessive weightlifter. Nothing made me feel better. A cruel girl I was hooking up with, who took offense at my refusal to lose my virginity to her, told people I had a small penis and Ive been totally paranoid about it ever since. Ive measured it countless times, it stands somewhere around 6 inches, and yet I ask every single girl I have sex with whether they think its small. Ive never had a girl respond poorly to sex with me. They tell me that Im handsome, I have beautiful eyes and a masculine jaw/face, that I have a muscular body, I move well, and that my penis isnt small. When I look in the mirror, all I can see is that my hair has begun to thin, I was I was an inch taller to hit 6'0'' or more, and that my penis needs to be bigger. As I get older, I have become more comfortable with my body, but there are moments where I am gripped with the most intense paranoia that I am simply inadequate for the caliber of woman I want to attract. Since the most recent breakup, I've become obsessed with trying to have as much sex as I can, perhaps to prove it to myself or the girls that Im with that I am sexually proficient.

I look at my parents and I am in awe of the kind of relationship they have managed to maintain. They are still in love after all this time, they only hang out with each other and go off on adventures all the time. I know they have sex; I've found their condoms and lube. Im beginning to think that the only way to get a relationship that solid is through adversity. They have had to start over twice; once as Soviet immigrants into 1970s Israel, and again as immigrants into America in the early 1990s.

Lately I think about the kind of woman I want to attract. Someone smart, funny, who speaks the languages I speak or is willing to learn them, and who is beautiful and sexually liberated and excites me. Then I look at myself and think why such a woman would ever want to be with someone as unattractive as me. I have begun to take such a pessimistic stance towards love. I have begun to think that there are only two kinds of partners you can be with: those that find you so incredible they would do anything to keep you, or those that are out of your league and are settling for you and will leave you once they find a person of their caliber.

I am continually fearful that once I meet the woman for me, she will find me inadequate. She will eventually meet someone more attractive, more successful, funnier, more intelligent, and kinder. That person will have a bigger penis and be more sexually competent than me. I dont WANT to be a cuckold, I dont WANT to share my wife with anyone. To me, swinging and swapping are only indicative of one thing: that something in your sex life is failing and is inadequate. I cannot take polygamy or swinging seriously; for the same reason that you cant knit a sweater and drive a race car, its absurd to me to think that you can wholly give yourself to more than one person for the rest of your life. When you dedicate yourself to someone, you dedicate yourself to them sexually as well. Every time you swing or swap or have sex with someone else, you are saying that your partner is inadequate and that you are opening and giving yourself to someone else. Every time you do it, I feel like you are turning away from your partner and towards someone else. If I cant trust my wife to be sexually dedicated to me, how can I expect her to stick around if things are worse? If I am sick or injured? If the woman Im with wants to try a bigger penis, its because my penis is not enough. What other way is there to see it?

Please dont say that "its how you use it", the implication that I am making is that if there is a bigger penis that also knows how to use it, then that penis is better and more pleasurable. Its a really hurtful train of thought. If you look in the animal kingdom, its mostly males that are the beautiful and decorated members. We as humans have managed to put the onus on women, but the truth is that women are more beautiful than men and as such are more desirable. They say men are prone to polygamy, whereas women are prone to hypergamy (marrying up). If your woman finds someone who is as loving as you but has better sexual attributes, she will leave you. It drives me insane to think about this kind of situation and how emasculating it feels. My entire self worth revolves around an attribute over which I have no control. Its nothing like women experience with breasts, which can receive implants, or thinness (which can be earned through exercise).

If I marry someone, its because I see them as the perfect lover and perfect friend. Not that they are without faults, but that they bring those two concepts into harmony. I know very often people settle for one or the other, and thats where marriages fall apart, but Ive seen what my parents want and thats what I want. I would never want to experience a woman other than my wife just for the sake of it; where is the novelty? A vagina is a vagina. And yet, I am worried that she will feel some kind of yearning for a sexual novelty that I cannot provide.

Im beginning to look up those penis extending exercises people swear by (thats how gutted I am over this). Im beginning to show signs of compulsive sexual behavior, and Im losing my faith in the existence of a lifelong, committed and dedicated love (the only thing I have ever believed in without a doubt). The way I feel breaks my heart and I dont know what to do. I dont know if this is something that will go away once I'm "successful" or feel like I am doing something that gives me self worth. Am I crazy? Am I overthinking it? Do women really feel this way about men?

Someone please help and give me some insight or perspective. It would be greatly appreciated

 

Ok, I read the first half and skimmed through the last half because its long.
You are too worried about nothing and thats gonna cost you in bad relationships. Be yourself,,, your dick is long enough and if it aint to some girl she has had a train go through her a few times, let her go. It isnt the size at all that matters, its how you bang on the walls and what else you know about sex.
Sex isnt the relationship, love is and making love with the one you love is. If someone bases their abiility to hang out with you on your dick size she is truely no good for you. Thats as bad as judging you for what money you have or dont have.
I have seriously never been with a nine incher and thats probably what makes sex so good for me and my partners, they know how to please and how to find pleasure, thats what counts and if you find the one you truely love, and visa versa just talking to them should turn you, and them on before hitting the bedroom anyway.
If I cant feel turned on by just being with my man it wouldnt last long. Those are dates and they fade off and I eventually find someone who smells right, has a voice I want to hear and knows how to say things I enjoy hearing. Then I find out his dick size and by then I wouldnt care, unless it was a freakin monster that is,,, hahaha
Relax, you have it all, just go with the flow and when the right chic comes along you will know it and she will love every bit of you.

 

Ignore the "cruel" girl who said your penis was too small.

Most girls say 6 inches is perfect. Bigger tends to hurt them in a bad way.

The best thing you can do is live in the present moment.

Follow your passion, but do things that have you acquiring skills that you can build off of career wise and start expanding for social network.

 

You have an understanding of music, and a sense of its impact, right? Well, just remember this one thing then:

Sex is simply music in its physical form.

Have you heard a musician who could play a ton of notes, and had great equipment, but could say absolutely nothing? Of course you have. Have you heard a musician who could bring your soul to its knees with a single note on a cheap instrument? Certainly! And that's how it is with both penis size (instrument quality) and mechanical technique (notes per measure.) It is irrelevant. You have a cock that is totally up to standards (a professional grade instrument) so now you just have to use it. Make music, not noise. You know the difference already, which gives you a huge advantage. There are important things and unimportant things, and in your situation it's easy to get them confused.

Fwiw, that cruel girl is just trying to hurt you. Don't let it work. Your dick is plenty good enough. There is a girl in your future that will make you sure of that.

You're going to be ok. I mean it.

Oh, and also - at 25, 25 seems old. The next 50+ years of your life will reveal how young 25 really is, and how many options you still have available. The only dead dreams are the ones we abandon. Don't underestimate the possibilities or your potential. For hundreds of shows, I was always the oldest guy on the stage. Believe me, no one ever knew it.

 

Nice post Dark river

 

Dark River has said it perfectly, great post Dark River