ACTUAL HEADLINES OF 2004: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers[Now, that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [Good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant[See if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought it!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [He probably IS the battery charge!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken!] Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
I love 'em! ...but... those are not from 2004, necessarily. In fact, "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge" is the title of a book that was on the syllabus of a journalism class I took in 1991. They're still funny as hell, though. I sent a few of those to Jay Leno once. The one I can remember was "Firefighter to be charged with battery." It ran in the paper I work for. -Jeffrey