He won't touch me- unrealistic expectations?

During sex or foreplay, my boyfriend will not touch or come near my vagina/ clitoris with his hands.

We have been dating for over 7.5 years. I shower regularly and am completely shaved. I know that I have no problems down there because I've tasted myself multiple times. I even suck his and my cum off of his dick after we have sex. During the first 6 years I never came when we were together. After a huge argument 1.5 years ago, in which i told him how used and ugly he made me feel, he agreed to give renewed effort to our sex life. Since then I've received oral a handful of times and he has made me orgasm once. He always apologizes after I express my unhappiness and promises to change.

During a typical sexual encounter we take off our clothes. I go down on him or jack him off while he plays with my tits and sucks on them. He nudges me with his dick or pushes at my opening; 5 minutes pass. At this point I usually realize that the foreplay has ended. Either I grab the lube or we have extremely painful dry sex. If I grab the lube then I'm able to masturbate myself to orgasm while he thrusts away and he usually waits for me to cum before he finishes (this is a new development after another big argument. Usually he would orgasm and leave me hanging). If I don't grab the lube then I lay there, holding back tears, hoping he'll finish quickly.

I don't know if I should feel happy that I'm able to cum so easily, or upset that he doesn't touch me. I literally can not remember the last time he has fingered me or touched my clit. It's probably been twice in the last year. I get that some people can't do oral, he says he doesn't enjoy the taste, but is touching my clit to much to ask for? (And believe me I've asked MULTIPLE times, I've even showed him what I enjoy). I actually asked him why he doesn't touch my pussy and he said that during sex he just never thinks to touch me... It's gotten to the point where I've gone from being a sexually uninhibited nympho to feeling to self conscious to have sex in any positions besides missionary and cowgirl, I resent giving him any oral sex, and we now have sex once a month instead of a few times a week. I feel disgusting, used, and dirty.

So I guess I have two questions...
1) Am I expecting to much?
2) Anyone in similar situations have any coping mechanisms? Breaking up is not an option right now

 

Boy, he sounds like a dirtbag! He must be exceptional in many other ways if you've put up with this sort of treatment for 7.5 years!

When I'm having sex, I'll make sure that my lady gets off, even if I'm left hanging at the end. My pleasure is to see that my partner gets as much enjoyment as possible out of us being together. Your boyfriend, OTOH, sounds dysfunctional and self-centered. Dump him ASAP. There are other fish in the pool (and better ones at that!)

 

@ buzzgunner: He actually is a great guy, I feel disloyal even posting this. I think what I like about him most is his patience. I can be moody and sometimes downright mean but he is always willing to forgive me. Maybe I feel like I always need to forgive him. And we have been together for so long that I actually don't remember what its like being single! But I know he can please me sexually! The one time he did go down on me and make me cum it was actually pretty decent! He was so happy afterwards, he said that I was easy to please and that he didn't know it would be that easy! I tried everything I could to encourage his confidence after that so that he would repeat the experience but it never happened. Since then I've gotten just a few licks. I do wish he were as attentive as you obviously are to your SO. In our relationship he has never been left hanging. He always cums, I help at least half of the time, and if I didn't take my pleasure into my own hands (literally) I would be left hanging every time.

@Faelixx: So far my coping mechanism consists of erotic fiction and my vibrator lol and it just makes me more resentful hearing about amazing sex! But people live in sexless marriages, at least I can get sex whenever I want it. I feel that maybe with the right coping mechanism I can be relatively happy. As for making me feel ugly, he is a very beautiful guy! Sometimes I don't feel like I can measure up but that has more to do with my lack of self confidence than anything he's done. What he has done however, is begin to only compliment me when he believes I am angry and about to yell at him. It makes his compliments very insincere and I've begun to seek attention from other guys for more sincere compliments. I also feel ugly because I mean...COME ON! What hetero man doesn't want to touch his girlfriend's vag?! And the fact that I'm begging is completely embarrassing and shameful. Your right, I really am not happy.

 

Some men don't like vagina.

 

He would be one of those men! I don't see what the problem is. I'm not gay and even I'd lick some pussy...

 

Maybe he's gay.

 

Make him take care of you first and if he won't tell him to go masturbate like you have to. Once you get yours he can have his.

 

I agree with Tazer, make him wait for his

 

Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling with you? You usually have to search around until you find one you really like, but the right counselor can work wonders!

 

Thanks for your opinions everyone! I really do not think he is gay but I suppose its always a possibility. As for cutting him off, I tried that for like 3 months and it didn't work. He apologized and said things would change and they never did.

Buzzgunner, I am contemplating sex therapy. I've never been to any kind of therapist so I don't know what to expect. Anyone have any experiences?

We'll probably have sex this Friday. If things haven't improved I'll be cutting him off until we can find a counselor...

 

You don't have to specifically find a sex therapist. Any competent psychiatrist or psychologist may work just fine. The trick (and I speak from experience here) is don't just settle for the first one you pick out if they don't seem to work for you. My wife and I went through a rough patch many years ago and had to try out three different mental health professionals before we found one that we liked.

Assuming that you DO manage to find someone, you can go for couples counseling or you and your guy can go to individual meetings (same counselor or different one. It all depends on what works for you.) If you do take this route, do not be surprised if some of the therapeutic exploration takes you down some weird paths you didn't expect. My experience started out with some major trust issues and, before you know it, I'm talking about events from my childhood that I'd completely forgotten!

Anyway, give it a try. It really can turn things around. You just have to work at it and give it time.

 

That mental health professional you saw was influenced by Freud I'll bet.

 

Wow! My X (first hubby) and I went through something like this when it came to us both that for some reason we were drifting away from each other. I know he wasnt fooling around because when it started to come to a head I asked him for an open marriage till either we settle things out or got divorced, he was not into that but then again he was not so into sex as he had been before so I made a break for the hills, BC that is from Ontario and he and I decided on a handshake divorce.
I had some awesome sex with him and he knew what he was doing but for some reason his interest faded. Was he realizing he was gay? Nope, last time I talked to him he had a GF so that wasnt it. I think our interest in each other were just fading for some reason and then our sex life began to suffer but we had no angers or regrets.
I left with a group of nine guys all wanting a new life and work in BC and it was one of my best moves I had ever made. Life since (with a few rough spots in the beginning including being one bag of rice away from starvation a couple times) has gone up ward, me surviving on my own and now having my second business being self employed and depending on no one.
Yup I fear like everyone else that my life could come crashing down but I did learn to save for a few good rainy days and protect myself where needed. Luck has been my saviour tho, or positive thinking, not sure but if you leave him and life gets tough you still might do better if you have some spunk in you. I wont say Run, run now! But think about your options, you cant live this way. Sex is very important in a relationship. Its like the key that must turn both ways to lock and unlock a door. Doors must be able to open and close so both have the freedom to be close and yet move around and most of all be warm and safe all on the same building and understanding each other has to happen.
I am sorry to hear this is happening to you but nearly 7 years is much too long. I think me and hubby split in the same year we noticed the damages and both of us are now happy so it wasnt our genitals that went bad.

 

Wow I'm so sorry you are going through that. That's a very long time to suffer. I don't even have any advice for you but to only say I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.

For me if my Dom didn't play with and eat my **** well it would be a deal breaker immediately. He must be very special that it kept you there all those years.

 

why the fuuck is she not responsible for her personal feelings? All her feelings are happening in her body, and it's because of her thoughts and her emotions.

Her boyfriend isssssssss noooooooottt fucking pulling any strings or responsible for either. He doesn't control her body. He's a different person!! She has responsibility of herself!! The hell is wrong with you girls? Why do you say crap like this all the time?

 

I dont think thats right what you said. Both are responsible for making a relationship work, in all aspects of it and if it isnt turning them both on then there is something wrong. IMO she could be responsible for herself and leave but she says she does love him and he loves her. Then they both have to try to make it work or come to a conclusion it isnt happening.
Why do we girls say these thing? Sounds like she does everything she can to make him climax and it happens for him, its a two way street.

 

I don't know who she was influenced by, and don't care. What I DO know is that, after trying to work with three previous duds, she was able to deliver the kind of patient, insightful exploration that I (and my wife, who was seeing her separately) needed to uncover our real problems and resolve them for both of us. She's retired now, but if she were still practicing and I had any sort of new mental health problem, I be back to her in a New York second.

 

Just ignore him, Sallysmart.. This is a troll if ever I saw one.

A relationship is about physical AND emotional investment in both directions. I'm heavily invested in my wife's happiness and she in mine. Anyone who thinks that it's all about "taking care of yourself and letting your partner do the same for themselves" is doomed to a life of loneliness.

(I realize that I'm basically repeating what you just said. I guess that's my long-winded way of saying, "I agree with you.")

 

So right tho Buzzgunner
If my BF doesnt climax, and he didnt a few times it worries me and I ask why. He says because he was enjoying and holding back for me and then he couldnt. I hate that he would but it sure meant something.
We both try to please, on all aspects, he does expect things I dont like and I dont either but there isnt much we dont like compared to all that we do love to do. He excites me just by things he says.
Sorry I fed the troll, hahaha.

 

Hey, no harm, no foul. Like that quote from one of the Batman movies, "Some people just want to see the world burn."

Like you and your BF, my wife and I both occasionally do something the other doesn't like (both in bed and out.) That's just life and life isn't fair. What matters is that, like you, we're both invested in the welfare of each other, so we try to be vigilant WRT those bumps in our relationship and try to work them out as quickly as possible.

(Speaking of keeping your partner happy, tomorrow is my wife's birthday. I'm taking her out to her favorite microbrew pub for dinner, followed by a casual wine&cheese tasting, followed by an invitation-only showing of an old Cary Grant movie at a local renovated theater. Then, if neither of us are too tired, we'll come home, slowly undress each other, and make love. Ought to be a great night!)