Have i ever had a chance?

I met this girl (22) because shes a friend of my friend's GF. So we hanged out couple of times and she liked me, so she get my number from a friend and start texting me. After a month of texting (she was chasing me all along) we went out on a party and after dancing together we started kissing in a car and holding hands... After that there were more massages (every day) and i took her out on a first date. We hold hands entire time and kissed couple of times when i get her back home. Then she inveted me in cinema (she was all over me entire movie) and we went for a couple of walks together (like a couple – holding hands, kissing,...) and i can tell she was talking about things we willl do in future together so i thought, she really wants to be mine. After 3 weeks everything started to fell apart. Less and less texting, when went out (alone or friends) she was moody. I fell something is not right. After a month she texted me that she is not sure if she is ready for a sirious relationship (she broke up with a guy 6 months ago, they were together for 3 years). So we talked, and agree we will take things slow but i didnt have any idea whats goin on until i realized she didnt get over her ex (we were at a party where she saw him). After that she started to avoiding time together so i told her she should just tell me if she doesnt want to see me again. She said she liked me (we even agree to have sexual relationship – she was very into it) and want to see me again. I told her i cant be waiting if her ex is a reason we cant have a sirious realtionship (i really really liked her and i was not far away to fall in love with her). She said every month (when shes has period) she gets deppresed becouse of him. So I told her she has time to think about everything and then tell me what she wants for us (we didnt see each other for 2 weeks beacuse she went abroad). After she came back she told me she cant have a boyfrined right now. She didnt want to fool around and just have sex with me either. So i said we cant see each other anymore becouse i cant be just friends with her. When i asked her whats the reason she wont be my GF she said she didnt fall in love with me as a main reason besides she didnt get over her ex. Now Im wondering that i didnt do enough (im 25 and pretty unexpirienced) – and thats the reason why she didnt fall in love with me (we were kissing (tounge) and stuff in the car for couple of times, she also meet all my best friends). I withold sex even tho i know i could bang her in first 2 weeks (she was all over me) but i wanted to take things slow couse i saw her as a GF material and everything seemed so perfect. I had no idea that she has baggage and everthing wil go upside down. It was totaly unexpected – because she was so into me. Even my friends couldnt believe it (we were hanging around together for a mont with her). Did i made a mistake, do you thing sex would change anything or i havent had a chance with her from beginnning because of her ex? Im not beating myslef up becaouse of sex alone but because of a possible relationship we could have if i were more agressive towards that direction.

 

yes...sex will often clinch a relationship...if you had rocked her world she would have forgotten the other dude easier

move on...there is a million more better ones out there

 

yeah, you've gotta have that sex as soon as possible, otherwise you're just not considered boyfriend material.

 

This idea people have that you have to wait/hold out on sex for X amount of time if you want a serious relationship is such bullshit. Whether you fuck on the first day, or after weeks/months makes no difference in the seriousness of the relationship. So in the future just fuck her. If the relationship happens, it happens. If not... at least you got laid.

 

Agreed, and even if the sex did occur, there's no guarantee that it would've prevented the events from unfolding as they did. In fact they could've been more complicated potentially.

 

tnx guys. Im pretty sure i would fall for her if we had sex. maybe its for the best that it turned out like it had.

 

I agree with this completely. All the best, long term relationships I know with people who are now married or will be soon, they had sex as soon as they could get their hands on each other in a private place. That's the kind of passion and attraction that makes a relationship work. You holding out a natural, beautiful part of human intimacy as a "strategy" for making some future "relationship" work distanced you from her and that's why this all fell apart. She wanted you to jump her bones and save her from her life.

Going slow only means that she's more likely to fall for the guy who rips her clothes off. Who would you rather be a partner to, a woman who "holds out" for 6 months for "the relationship" or the one who gets googly eyed every time she looks at you and her panties just slip off on their own?

 

First of all, when I met my current boyfriend we did not have sex for 8 months... of course we were both virgins but still... we held out for a long time and NOW we have a very healthy relationship.

Second of all, after being together for about three years our paths separated and we were not together for two years. During that time I attempted to have a couple serious relationships and went out casually with a few guys. I ended up having sex with several guys after only knowing them a short while and after we had sex our interactions were brief and I felt shameful. Also, with the guys I did attempt to have a serious relationship with it did not ever work out at all cause I was still sooooo stuck on the guy I had dated for three years. I thought after a while I would just naturally not be stuck on him but my like of him did not ever fade. The one guy I did try to have a very serious relationship with just did not work out. He was very sexually attractive and very nice to me, but I found myself not able to get close to him or be with him in a positive way because I was so stuck on the other guy even after such a long period of time had passed. I mean I would fall asleep next to the guy I was trying to have a relationship and wake up seeing the face of the guy I wasn't over. Then when I fully woke up I would realize it was the new guy and be very disappointed. That was not fair to him. Finally after two years I got in touch with the guy I wasn't over and asked him if he wanted to give a relationship a try again now that we were both older and more mature. We got back together about six months ago and everything is really good and healthy and I am happier than I have been in years. I said all that to say, if she is not over the old guy it has nothing to do with you, she is just not ready to get over him and there is little to nothing you can do about that. And if she is going to stay stuck on him the relationship would be very unfair to you... and it is possible that she will stay stuck on the old guy no matter how awesome you are. Do you really want to be with someone that deep down wants to be with someone else? Maybe after time she will get over him, but it takes a lot of time. And like I said me and my guy were together for three years, took a two year break and STILL got back together and we are very happy now. I think most girls do eventually move on, but I chose not to, so every guy I was with after the old guy had a serious disadvantage no matter how great or attractive they were.

 

I really appreciate what you just wrote. I was searching insight from a person - woman who went through all this and her insight about situation.
I do not regret that we didnt have sex - it would made me only more attached. I liked her too much so it would be even harder for me right now. i know that she really liked me, but she is just not ready for a relationship right now. it was fair from her side that she told me that relatively early. it was as shock for me because it was totally unexpected.
It hurts since that was the first girl i felt ready to be in relationship with - and im 25. i hope ill find some great girl once...

 

I personally think this is the root of your problem. That, combined with this:

What you experienced there doesn't sound like love to me. To me, it sounds like lust, nothing more. If you thought her personality was attractive enough, then you would have wanted to remain friends with her even if that meant "no sex". Because, who would want to pass up an opportunity to stay friends with someone you thought was totally awesome, right? Maybe she saw through you, and decided you were more interested in sex than what kind of person she was? I mean, I may come off as being harsh, and I apologize if that was the case. And I understand she had her own problems to sort out, and that she had to do so on her own terms. So, I personally think whatever this thing was that you two had, it simply wasn't meant to be.

I was very much attracted to someone last year. She seemed interested in the beginning as well, but something changed after a while. She eventually told me, with respect which I totally appreciated, that she might be getting back together with her ex. I wished her well, and I was actually interested in remaining friends with her. But she eventually deleted me from her facebook friends list. To me, the fact that she couldn't consider me as a friend first was more depressing than the fact that she turned me down. But hey, I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Now, I personally find it a bit disturbing that there are people who suggest you should have just had sex with her ASAP. You and this girl didn't have sex because it wasn't meant to happen. With the right partner, you would have sex when the time is right for the both of you. It could fall on the first day you two met, or it could be months after you made your relationship official. Those relationships where sex occurred really early on may be lasting because it was meant to be for them. Well, more power to them if that was the case. May those lucky ones live happily ever after. But let's not forget the possibility of their breaking up or divorcing if/when they realize one day that they really didn't share a lot of values in the first place but were blinded by whatever force there might have been at the time. It could be anything; sometimes the girl gets pregnant and they get caught up in raising their kid, or sometimes it could be how they live(maybe something very entertaining in an empty fashion, if you get me) that distracts them from really looking within themselves. Whatever it is, once the truth is out, it's out. If that was the case, then if was because of that one fuck very early on in their relationship that started the slow downfall. So, it's very risky to simply say "just fuck as soon as you can!" because it has potential of becoming the Pandora's Box... And are you ready to live with the consequences for the rest of your life?

So, let me say it again; the sex didn't happen with this girl because IT WASN'T MEANT TO HAPPEN. If it happens, then it happens. But do not force it to happen(and by that I mean, besides the obvious which would be rape, do not force YOURSELF into that situation by trying to CONVINCE yourself you should have sex). If you start doubting it might not be the right time, then PLEASE, by all means, WAIT until you can confidently feel it is. There's NOTHING WRONG with waiting, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. If sex doesn't happen in the end, then it isn't meant to happen! And if sex happens naturally, don't forget to use protection. It's a part of good dating etiquette.

Oh, and to answer your initial question... In my opinion, I don't think you had a chance, no. You can probably guess what I think; I don't think you were MEANT TO have a chance with this girl in particular. There ya go.

All the best!

 

Appreciate your opinion. About what you wrote about lust: After she texted me that she is not sure if she is ready for a serious relationship yet (after 1 month of dating - seeing each other 2-3 times per week) she said SHE LIKE HOW I DIDNT MAKE SEX A PRIORITY AND THAT I SHOWED HER THAT I REALLY TRY TO KNOW HER. She also said that the whole thing about sex is driving her crazy and that sometimes when we are on a date she thinks about it... At some point, when things started to fell apart, I thought that all she wants from me is sex (she showed sooo much interest before we actually went on a first date).

So no, i was interested in her. I wanted a realtionship with her, and sex was not my main goal. She was. but since i figured out she has feelings for her ex (and we live in a very small town - everybody knows everybody: i know both her ex BFs at least visually ) i really wasnt able to be JUST friend. We have some intimacy during 2 months, and its hard to suddenly stop with everything and just be friends.

After we went seperate ways she told me that she cheated one her 2nd BF (the one she cant forget right now) with his 1st BF (he cheated her). She got into new relationship with his 2nd BF 1 month after she ended with his 1st BF. And then she realized she didnt get over her 1st and returned to him. she realized she made a mistake and went back to 2nd BF. They were together for 3 years and now she is blaming herself for everything bad he made in realtionship (cheated back and neglect her). And then I came into the picture. Very fortunate :S, especially because she started texting/chasing me.

I also found out from a mutual friend that she texted her ex a week after we saw him at the party (at the time I gave her to rethink everything). So its like a pattern. She have strong feelings for her exes, but in my case she has learned from mistake (her 2nd BF who she cant get over him right now was actually her REBOUND - they were in relationship after just 1 month after she broke up with her 1st boyfriend).

I dont know what should i think for a closure. I need one really bad.
I think she really liked me at the beginning, so she got my number and started texting me. After few dates and a few intimate moments her time for period came ans she became deppresed like every month since breakup. she realized I m not able to help her to get over her ex, so she cool off.
in my mind she did the right thing but damn, she really hurt me. I was almost sure we will have something serious according to things that happened. It was just to good to be true. I should have known...

 

Understood. Thanks for the additional information.

Now, you may have noticed as you were typing your last reply that this girl was contradicting herself in regards to the sex aspect of whatever you two had. On the one hand, she appreciated your not rushing it. But on the other hand, it sounds like she was teasing you with words, sort of like baiting you. I don't even know what she was trying to get out of this experience with you, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you two might not have been on the same page even from the beginning. The personal issues she needs to deal with may even be more serious than you might assume.

See, I experienced something slightly akin to your situation before with someone I met online myself. She and I became friends and, eventually, we found ourselves being attracted to each other. At the time, though, she was involved with someone else online and, because I knew that, I didn't let her know of my feelings. She was the one who expressed her feelings to me first, saying it was pretty much over between her and the other guy. The next day, she went out and slept with her best friend. But I forgave her for that. She has some pretty heavy duty personal issues, and I was trying to be supportive.

From that point on until my romantic feelings for her finally ebbed, I endured many episodes of silent treatment, mixed messages, and other things from her. She even told me she might be pregnant with her best friend on my birthday. I mean, really?? It was a "false alarm", by the way. In the end, I came out of it emotionally and physically wounded(long story). Oddly enough, she and I are still friends but we're definitely not romantically involved any more. We are friends because, underneath all the problems, there IS a nice girl who is lonely and in need of attention. Plus, I made a promise never to give up on her, if just as a friend.

Anyway, I personally think that you should move on and find someone who is actually more, shall we say, "stable". As for a closure... I think THIS is it. It may not seem like much of one, but I think it's way, WAY better to leave it at that than to push further when you're dealing with a girl like that. I personally don't think she will do you any good from what you've told me so far. At any rate, I'm sorry to hear you got hurt by this situation. Totally sucks, I know...

 

leave.. you deserve better..

 

LOL, are you going to do that in every thread, tell the guys to dump the frigid ones

 

Sorry to dissagree but i have different opinions. i think you jut got friend zoned. sex might have changed that but i feel like sex isnt good early in most relationships. if i have sex with a girl early she becomes one night stand booty call material not gf material.

 

So what you basically said is you either get friendzoned or a booty call.
So how do you get a GF in your world?

 

It's hard to say. You probably need to chalk it up to bad timing. Be patient. It might come back around, and you can give it another try.

 

No i said he MAY not have gotten friendzoned if he had sex... Most girls i know dont think of most guys as a potential booty call. however they do friendzone easy..
and most guys i know dont have a friendzone..but sex too early can mean shes just gonna be a booty call.

you have to find the best time for both of you.

 

I gave her a simple/pure choice (and 2 weeks to think about it): to forget her past relationship and move on - to have a relationship with me (and proceed slow) or she will lose me (I told her before I cant be around if her ex is a reason we cant have a relationship).

Someone said to me: the truth is, if she wanted you then you'd be together. I have to say I agree.

 

Do not blame yourself! This happened to me not long ago, very similar situation... It's just females, they aren't human