Gramma flipped out...

I come from a heavily christain family and had to take confirmation classes. During that thime, I became an athiest/Buddhist. I took the class, and wrote a speech telling the congregation I didn't want to be confirmed. When my grandmother found out I wasn't a christian like the test of the family, she freaked out...and has threatened to disown me....any advice as to what I should do?

 

Your situation is probably more complicated than that, so I don't want to ADVISE you as to what you SHOULD do.

Instead, I'll tell you what I would do if I were in the situation you described. I would:

Let her disown me.

It's ... really just as simple as that. Now, that DOESN'T mean I would go and start trash-talking her, or put her down to her face, or even dislike her (unless, of course, I was pretty angry at how she flipped out, which is actually likely).

I also come from a highly Christian family, so I can relate to what you mean. The only difference is, I was confirmed, and then I begame agnostic (and later, panentheist). When I officially decided to change, I didn't bother to tell my family until they asked or until it was required to tell them for some reason, and when I did, my dad flipped out and pretty much popped a vein at me, for some reason.

Then, I defeated all of his arguments and petty insults, and he's had less respect for me ever since (not that (1) he ever held any real respect for me at all, or (2) I give a fuck, as I heavily dislike him). But you know what ... he is not someone that I really want in my life, and I flat out don't care what he thinks. If your grandma has the same relationship with you as I have with my dad, perhaps you should consider letting her do whatever she wants. In that case, it's not like she'd be of any worthwhile influence in your life, so let her bust a vein if she wants, and don't hate her or slight her for it unless you have an ulterior motive for doing so.

Okay ... the bottom line:

If your grandma doesn't like what you do with your life, tough shit. It's YOUR life, not HERS, and you should not be worried about her trying to control your life. You should let her live her life, and she needs to let you live yours.

Just before I became vegan, a friend said to me, "I don't respect your decision to eat meat at ALL. However, I must respect the fact that it's your decision to make, even if I don't like it."

The same goes for your grandma. She doesn't have to like it, and if she doesn't, sucks to be her. She DOES have to respect the fact that it's your decision to make, and if she doesn't, then she has a serious problem with something she should have learned in kindergarten: respect.

Anyway, that's my thoughts. Good luck dude.

 

Thank You!!!!

 

I agree, let her 'disown' you. Chances are, it will blow over. And if it doesn't, just make sure you are still the same nice, sweet grandaughter you always were, and she will be in the wrong, not you. You can only be yourself, and you can't force your grandmother to accept that. But just realize it is no fault of yours.

 

Yeah, I agree with them, as well. You're still the same person. You can't let her bring you down like that.

 

well this was a huge self-esteem booster!

 

My family is christian too...I just try to aviod the religion topic with them. Keep the water calm, ya know...

 

tell ya wanna become a unitarian/universalist...
heh...

 

Aye, just be a Unitarian Universalist. Read this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unitarian_Universalist

You can be a Unitarian Universalist, and explain to them that most UUs believe something close to Christianity. You don't really have to tell them that you have Buddhist beliefs if you're UU. =P

Just go to that link and read about what most UUs believe. =)

Although, if you ask me, I don't really like this somewhat sly and evasive approach, I'd just say "whatever" and let her do whatever she wants. =P

 

I don't mean to tell you how to run your life, but it seems to me that your priorities are a little backwards. You see, to me, being a smart-ass is far less important than family. But seriously, bottom line is you shouldn't have embarrased your family like that, certainly not by going into their church, which it sounds like they are very active in, and, in front of the whole congregation and, worse, your family, tell them that their beliefs are wrong. I can't think of a worse way to tell them, to tell you the truth. I don't know what made you feel you had a right to do that, but you didn't. Besides, if you are an "atheist/buddhist," then, in my opinion, your beliefs are just as unfounded as your parents. If I were you, I'd apologise profusely and say you made the whole thing up. It's not worth creating so much tension within your family to make a point.

 

Are you telling her to shut up and fall back in line? She has a right to her own beliefs, and to express them as loudly as any christian does.

 

Hmm ... Common Sense, can I ask you, what is a better way to tell them?

Certainly, if you don't believe in Christianity, you don't want to be confirmed. That means, in order to not be confirmed, you have to tell them. So, he did. What's wrong with that?

Many people are embarrased by how their PARENTS act, even if their parents do have more real-world experience than they do. And many times, my parents have a habit of embarassing me in front of my friends by doing a gazillion things that are uncalled for and inappropriate.

And yet, it's the subservient children that aren't supposed to embarass their parents? I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you.

And ... he did have a right to do that. It's HIS life, not his parents, not his church's, not his family's, and not some God's that nobody can even prove exists or doesn't exist to begin with.

His parents no doubt wanted him to be confirmed; it wasn't HIS choice that he made, he probably wasn't even aware of other religions when he made the "choice." You cannot call it a choice when options have been purposefully withheld by the family (which is VERY embarrassing for them to withhold choices from you and condition you to be Christian).

 

No, I am not telling her to "shut up and fall back in line." She can believe anything she wants to. I'm saying that she should pay lip service to her family's church to keep the peace, at least until she moves out and can practice whatever faith she wants without interference.

While you may have a "right," legally speaking, to say whatever you want, wherever you want, that doesn't mean you should. No one should walk into a church, stand up in front of the congregation and, more importantly, your family, on what is supposed to be a very important day in your life, and then, metaphorically, spit in their faces. I can't believe no one is looking at this from the family's perspective. I'd be pissed too. If she's getting confirmed, then she's only 13 or 14, and kids that young don't know what the hell they believe. If I believed all the nonsense I did when I was that age, I'd be a Marxist.

 

In private. Obviously.

I got confirmed. Didn't really want to, but I did it anyway out of respect for my family. And the problem isn't with telling them that he (I'm really confused as to the gender of the original poster, btw) didn't want to be confirmed, it's the way he did it. I already said that.

Deal with it. That's what parents do. I stopped caring once my acne cleared up and I stopped being an angst-ridden teenager. Besides, they don't mean to.

He did it on purpose! There's a big difference between your parents embarassing you in front of your friends by, say, playing dorky music on the car radio and completely crushing your family. Why are so many people trying to defend this kid and give him bad advice?

For the last friggin' time, it's not that he didn't have a right to express his opinion, it's the vehicle he chose to express it through.

No, that's not embarassing. It's slightly underhanded maybe, but not embarassing. The kid can still get confirmed and not believe a word of it. It's not worth the trouble of causing problems within the family to make a childish point. The kid's only 14. He'll probably grow out of that buddhism nonsense in a few years, anyway. And then he'll have been disowned for absolutely nothing.

 

that wasn't very "christian" of gramma

 

My mother didn't care that I wasn't a christian, she said it was my decision. Of course it wasn't a decision but more the inability to believe, I didn't really have much choice because if you don't believe, you just don't believe, and I don't think you can choose to believe anyway if you don't, so... my dad's an atheist so he didn't care either although they'd agreed on raising me in a mildly protestant way.

Actually they found out when dad had to print a paper for school for me, about extreme metal and satanism... ^_^

I don't think my grandma doesn't know. She'd be disappointed, while she's always been so proud of me, and wanting me to keep making her proud.

 

Well, at least you called everyones attention to your spiritual problems. Not like God doesn't know anyway, and I bet your grandparents and parents know a lot more about what you are going through than you do- which is why they act the way they do (this includes gramma disowning you).

 

Respect is a two way street...Why should she show respect for her family's beliefs when they show none for hers? If they had any respect for her beliefs they wouldn't be trying to force her into confirmation.

It is rediculous to insist that just because she is a child that she must submit to whatever religious beliefs that make her parents happy. Even if it is just to make them happy. Just because some people may do that it doesn't mean that is the best choice for everyone.


My parents are baptists, but they wouldn't allow me to be baptized (even when I asked them about it when I was little) until I knew my beliefs, and why I believed that way. I have never been baptized to this day, and I am grateful to my parents for showing that respect towards me while the rest of the families were baptizing their children left and right.

She just told her class how she felt, she didn't go on 700 club to broadcast her new beliefs or anything. She just let them know (and rightfully) that she was not interested in confirmation. In fact, many christians would think it wrong to go through confirmation just for show, and not mean any of it.

And if it causes a rift in the family, that rift is being put there by her family members, not herself.

 

My parents were okay with it....I didn't suprise them going up in front of the congregation and being like "no" they supported me.... (btw Hikky Z...I'm not a him or a he...I'm a she!) my grandmother was the only one REALLY upset about it....

And FYI the whole church was proud of me that i didn't feel compelled to confirm, and follow my beliefs, so I only "embarrased " my grandmother...

 

Sorry! :&

That's not what I asked. I'm talking about the congregation; what is a better way to tell the congregation? You have to own up to it sometime; and you can't just brush it off informally through your parents. It's better that she prepared a little speech and told them why she doesn't want to be confirmed, and formally addressed the situation.

Out of respect for your family? Why, when your family would be disappointed in you just because you don't believe exactly what they believe? There is no point in showing respect for a family that would DISOWN you for having different beliefs.

This family, well, it sounds to me like this family (or at least the grandmother) is full of a bunch of self-centered, close-minded conservatives (just as my family is filled with them) that are incapable of both respect and logical thinking. People like that are dead weight, and only deserve the same amount of respect that they put out (which is obviously nil to begin with).

Your family has NO right to disown you because you believe differently from them. If your family is that bad, (1) time to leave, and (2) no point in showing respect that will go unappreciated and taken for granted.

Do you think artsy_freak really truly meant to? She was probably just doing what she thought was right; what any typical person would do; tell the people in charge that you don't want to be confirmed.

And I don't get so much as an apology from my parents when they act like a bunch of shitheads. Whenever my dad says something to insult me or my friends, I tell him off, because he's talking down to me like he's some kind of God or like I'm some kind of subserviant slave to him just because half of my genes are his. Then, he gets all pissed off, and I completely own him up in an argument and make him look like an asshole for insulting me to begin with (which he is). So he IGNORES ME and won't even dignify my existance. He's an asshole. And that sounds just like artsy's grandmother; someone who has a problem with respect.

If parents never give apologies for when THEY fuck up and embarrass you, why the heck would any child be obligated to give an apology back?

Have to put in a reality check here: She did it without intent of crushing her family. It's not like her family SHOULD be crushed. They only feel crushed because they feel like they have somehow been personally attacked or insulted, when they themselves are forcing unquestioned, organized religion down their child's throat?

The family's being crushed is rooted in a lack of respect combined with pride (one of the Seven Deadly Sins; that family should not feel pride or feel lack of pride just because of what their child believes in) and close-minded ethnicism, all of which are hypocritical.

And you know what, I can't tell you how many times my friends have been disgusted or even had their lives severely inconvenienced because of my family. It's SUPER embarrassing that *my friends* get angry at my parents because they interfere in my life, interefere with my FRIENDS' lives, stick there noses where it doesn't belong, and purposefully meddle in my affairs just to cause mischeif and gain some kind of leverage on me which they lost when my dad was cited for child abuse.

After writing that, I'm feeling pretty pissed off at my parents right now, which is going to lead me to say this: FUCK showing your family of stuck-ups ANY respect, if they are constantly screwing up your life and don't deserve the respect. Let respect be given where it is due.

Okay, look ... it's underhanded, which means the people employing those tactics are underhanded, which means they are NOT honest people, who are embarrassing to even be associated with, because they are incapable of honesty, respect, and logic. It's like saying, "yeah my family is a bunch of bigots," it's embarrassing.

Maybe she will grow out of it. Maybe she'll be a born-again Christian. Does heathen religious association warrant disownment? In an honest, logical, and respectful family, heathen religious association doesn't even warrant EMBARRASSMENT, let alone disownment! Her grandmother is just fucked up in the head, stuck in racist-like mentalities.

I say, you should give people respect only when they are deserving of it (or rather, only when they don't deserve disrespect). I treat strangers nicely even though I don't know them. I treat my family nicely whenever they aren't forcing religion down my throat or being dishonest and underhanded. Whenever they treat me like shit, I treat them like shit, and that's how it SHOULD be. Children are NOT subserviant to adults; at least not adults that are as screwed up as artsy's grandmother.