Girlfriend wants to have sex but I am having problems

Hello, well I am four months into a new relationship, I was in a toxic and ugly relationship from 2011-13 and didn't date much after until I found my girlfriend. I've acquired some problems mentally after being in the last relationship and my view on things have been skewed unfortunately for me and my girl. She has been very supportive with all of this and I have made progress with her help but when it comes to sex she wants to but I get out of the moment and leave her hanging which I feel is starting to hurt her. I feel like I'm almost there but I'm scared of pushing her away before that point is reached. I don't know what I can do to help me perform with her like I would like, sooner than later. Any feedback you can give I would truly be grateful for, I really want to be in a healthy relationship again and not a slave to my past.

 

Live with your new girlfriend as, your new girlfriend. Don't relate old stuff with her, don't say things like my X didn't,,,, or did,,,

 

Sarcastic response: If you can't do it with the hips, do it with the lips.

Serious response: Stop worrying about it so much. You can get things in your head and just over-think them. Let whatever happened in the past go. I had a a shitty relationship for about 6 years....she was cheating, etc. It bugged me for a long time but the best thing I did for myself and my wife (not the same woman) was to tell myself to not hold her responsible for the wrongs of the past which she had nothing to do with, to not have the past in my mind and expect the same experience. That meant that I also needed to get myself past what happened in the past because it didn't matter in the present. That is what you need to do. Let it go. You have a right to shed the past and be happy.

 

That really does suck. That's good that your gf is helping you through this and being supportive. Do you know exactly why you're having problems with sex though with your current gf? Did something traumatizing involving sex happen with your ex? You really need to let go of your past and just be in the moment..
I was once in a relationship where the guy didn't always want to have sex when I initiated it. I had never encountered this before. He couldn't let go of his past and it was all mental now. He wasn't in the moment, he was thinking about other things. Of course he said it was him, not me. Even though he told me this, it's just such a blow to get rejected like that.. I felt undesirable and the relationship ended. Your gf might start to feel like that. So you really do need to let go of the past..

 

Yeah, we have tended to talk about the exes and its something I've told her we should stop. Thank you, your post was very reaffirming.

 

Thanks, it's inspiring to hear that you went through that for 6 years! 6 years and you still were able to overcome that and get a wife and have a healthy relationship. Your post is something I will look back at for inspiration, thank you.

 

I saw her "rubbing" another guy at a bar when we went to New York, and we only had sex when she was drunk. I know I dont want to have the same fate as the guy you speak of, she is too important to me. Im doing my best to move forward and let go of my fear of being hurt again and she has seen it so I have faith things will be better in time.

 

Well without knowing any details about what happened in your past it's hard to give advice here. Whatever did happen though it was bad enough to scar you to the point where you don't want sex, which makes me wonder were you beat or did she rough you up or demoralize you or what?

Doesn't matter I guess. In the end you need to work through these demons and maybe seeking professional help (meaning a therapist) would be a good idea if you can afford it. Also being totally honest with your gf is also key and it sounds like you are. But as others have mentioned, she's going to either feel rejected soon or just flat out get bored or thing you're broken and lose interest. So as best you can try to tell yourself this is a different person, she likes & cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you. And in the end you have to know that life and relationships are always a risk no matter what.

Good luck