Girlfriend Cheated :( Need opinions

Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by ellwood, May 18, 2004.

  1. ellwood

    ellwood Member

    First note, Sorry for writing a book but its part of the whole.

    Well like the topic says it. my girlfriend cheated on me. :( makes me quite quite sad. Its the worst I have ever felt ever in my whole entire life.

    Kinda need a background to her and I before I start to type this all out and tell you how I handeled it. Like peoples opinions also. She is an adopted child. She dosent really have anyone in her life accept me. She had a brother who she could vent to and tell her problems and such but he died 4 years ago suddenly. She has kept most things all bottled up in here the past 4 years and started to vent to me a few months ago. I am really the only person who cares for her in her life.

    This all started 2 months ago when she was talking to my bestfriend in text messages. He was breaking up w/ his GF who stayed with him thru his cancer. He would tell her that she was beautifiul and things like that because it seemed to her that someone else acually cared for her life. He and she tried to have sex 2 months ago but were not successfull. They said they both felt bad and couldent get in the mood. They tried 2 more times not successful. Then last Tuesday they did it. She lied to me and said she had to goto work. Went to his house about 25 miles away. Im not sure who got who drunk but there was alch involved.

    Eversence about a week ago, it seemed to be like she was trying to kill out relationship, she said she didnt want to hurt me and that I was too good for her. Said I was too fragile to get hurt by her. I knew something was up but couldent tell just yet. I asked her if she cheated on me, Yes. Someone at work, No. Him, Yes. I could tell she was sad and sorry for this, truly from her heart. She just felt like there was another person in her life who cared for her. He didnt. He fucked someother girl on thursday night after he told her that she was special to him, no.

    I believe that she was truly sorry when we talked. I talked to both of them about this and i got a good picture that my bestfriend wanted me out of the picture so he could be with her, he kept telling me not to take her back, and such things like that.

    Truth is, I love her so much. I cannot see life without her. She hurt me bad. Like noone ever has. Ever in my life, they both did, not just her, I dont blame just her. It was both of them, he took advantage of her mental state though. We talked and I decided that I didnt want to break up with her. I love her just so much to do that to her and myself. Shes only thing in my life that i truly Love. and I am in hers. I told her though that I woulden't stand for it again, I believe her when she said it would never happen too, she was used, knows she was used, and hates it. She knows I acually care for her. She will not get a second chance with me. I also told her that I wont let her forget this, I never will. She betrayed me and I cannot forget this. I also cannot trust her right now, although some fishy things happened on saturday.

    --- She works at a resturant, my friend came to me house to give me something, I wasnt home but got a text message. He stayed outside my house for an house then said his car got a flat and spend the next 3 hours fixing it. (cough). My GF said she picked up a shift at her work that night because she didnt want to be alone that night, didnt think I would see her or let her see me. (i did). She and I live close together and I was driving home, he was standing outside her house. So i called the resturand to see if she acually was working, she was and I talked to her told her he was outside her house, she got pissed. Then he came upto her work to give her a note. Just said the he cared for her (BS). I was mad that he was outside her house, I though they had set something up, I called her and left a message on her phone, befor i got to talk to her and sounded pissed. After I talked to her and cleared everything up, she was telling the truth, told her was a good step to forgiving her.

    I told her I can forgive her because I love her so much that my love can overcome this. Just going to take time to heal my shatered heart and time for me to get my Trust from her back.

    My question to you all is what do you think? About what happened? and what actions I choose?
  2. ZePpeLinA

    ZePpeLinA Jump around!

    my friend, love is a feeling that can be stronger than anything. if you really love her as you say, you'll find forgiveness in your heart.
    If your relationship is meant to be, this will only be a test, so go for it and try again.
    talk to her, let her know about everything that's in your mind, listen to what she has to say too. get to a mutual agreement.

    Best of luck.:)
  3. Wow. I honestly don't know what I would do If my bf cheated on me. If you can't let her go, if you are completely unable to, go take her to a clinic and have her tested, get tested with her so she doesn't feel awkward. It's so crucial you get her tested learned some pretty nasty things about syphilis and aides and other std's that you cant tell the person is infected unless you take them to the clinic.
  4. Charlotte

    Charlotte Member

    >>That is up to you, but I'd like to tell you a little story, too.

    Sexual fidelity is a value of culture, but not all cultures value it. Amongst eskimo people, for example, a husband is glad if his wife wants to have sex with other men, because it means extra whale blubber for them when times are hard.

    Our puritanical culture usually describes this as husbands giving their wives to other men, and the wives having no say in it, but, in fact, the reverse is true. If the woman wants a particular man, her husband is expected to arrange it. Again, gifts are expected. In other words, it's like a cottage industry for the husband and wife. There is no enforcement of the requirement that the wife's lovers give them/her extra blubber when they need it, but lovers who don't sometimes have unfortunate fatal accidents.

    So, the first thing you have to decide is: Are you sure you really care, or are you just assuming you are required to be a culture cop for your community's expectations? If you're happy with her and she's happy with you, what difference does having sex with someone else make? Wash it off, it's good as new. It takes nothing from you.
  5. vanilla

    vanilla Member

    So difficult. Especially when the person she cheated you on is your bestfriend. I don't think I can get over this. Two people who I trusted most. However, you must listen to your heart. If you really want the relationship, then you will find a way to forgive her. Same with your bestfriend. THough if my bestfriend did that to me, I can never forgive him/her and probably would never speak to him/her again.
  6. kittykat

    kittykat Member

    To grossly oversimplify: if you can't find something you need in the first store, you check another store -- the question why did she do it (cheated) is related to what she's missing "at home". This is not to blame you for what happened, but people in general think that others are mindreaders and that you should know what she needs. Some time ago, I assumed that most guys will read my mind and go down and do some oral on me till one guy just wouldn't get the clue. Somehow I realized that I'm giving people to much credit on their ability to read my desires. Once I told him what I want, he was superb pussyeater and wonderful lover. In your situation, she's not telling you about her needs, whether it's not being frequently told that she's beautiful, that you love her, to share some emotional aspects of her life, sex stuff ... whatever is the case. You need to tell her that you can't guess what her "finer" needs are unless she tells you. Open up all communication channels with her if you want to save this relationship. You are already on the right track by giving her another chance and talking about the issues. Good luck. And, yes, that best friend of yours ... cut him loose completely -- not that he just abused the situation and her mental state, but also used your friendship as the basis for access to her.
  7. I've cheated on someone before and felt horrible about it. I was forgiven, luckily....

    I have also had someone cheat on me.

    I think that people make mistakes.... whether or not to forgive and/or stay with someone is all situational. I feel that if the person is truly sorry and honest with you.... forgive them. If you can.....

    That doesnt mean you let it happen over n over again.

    My husband and I now have a fairly open marriage and I'm happy with it that way. The funny thing is, I no longer want to be with anyone but him. (except females, which he could give a rat's ass about and well, would maybe like to be there ;) )
  8. Mintaoism

    Mintaoism Member

    your girlfreind and you best mate..hmmm. well seeing as they treiad twice and failed that suggests one of two things

    1. the both love you and didint want to do it
    2. the fact that they kept on trying seems as if they want to get back at you for sumthing

    i would have a very long involved discusion with the both of them about your future plans and intentions
  9. ellwood

    ellwood Member

    My ex-friend is no longer in my life at all. Hes gone, I maybe in a few years ill see him on the street and say hello but thats about it.

    About it being something not getting here, I dont think so, but I would have to ask her. I made my life around her, the choices I would make, food I would eat, and to go out with friends or not. I did everything for her basically. Even went into sex.

    I dont think they were trying to get at me eather. I never did anything to eather of them. I loved them both. Each diffrently of cource but, I dont know anything that I did that would want to get back at me for.

    I can forgive her, but I will need sometime to get everything back.
  10. dj_reegz

    dj_reegz Member

    man what a kick in the nuts. I can't imagin that and I know it would never happen. But if it was my bestfriend... They'd find pieces of the bastard all over the province.
  11. drewbee

    drewbee Member

    I for one will never give a second chance to anyone that has/will cheat on me. If they say they love you then they should not be looking to get some from someone else, and if they do ... hey, I guess it wasn't meant to be. One Thing I have learned with past relationships though... once a cheater, always a cheater. I dont know why girls like taking advantage of me, I swear I have a big sign on me that sais take everything you can and leave me with nothing pinned to my forhead lol. To Tell you the truth, I would be the happiest person if I could find someone that was honest and true to me... but, I guess thats to much to ask for. Oh well, Shit happens I guess.

  12. parnell

    parnell Member

    If you forgive her she will cheat on you again - I promise you - she does not love you - that's obvious since she wanted a relationship with this other guy - truth be told - he did you far less harm than your woman. Move on and best of luck man.
  13. Megara

    Megara Banned

    dump her for your own self respect..there is no excuse for cheating...and you'll always worry if she is cheating on you in the future...she isnt worth the pain and agony she'll cause.
  14. bellystar

    bellystar Member

    I am sorry. I think that you should end things with this girl. Save your self-respect. You're doing everything for her, and still she strayed. WHY did she cheat???? What reason is there for you to believe that she won't do it again? Can you honestly trust her now? I imagine that you'll be setting yourself up for sadness if you choose to remain in this relationship.
  15. twoseeeyes

    twoseeeyes Member

    You made your life around her? No wonder. I'm sure you heard this expression "Men are from mars, women are from venus". You have to keep your self-identity man. If she truly loved you she wouldn't have wanted you to change. Move on bro. This isn't like they got drunk and it was a spur of the moment, they made 3 attempts before actually doing it. The intent was there. Everyone has urges for infidelity, no one is perfect, however for most they keep it a fantasy.

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