Getting Lucky 101

Before you read this, please understand I'm neither a sex expert nor a sexual psychologist... I'm just a normal guy who has listened to women for years and has put what he's heard into an organized format. I'm also not claiming that this is 100% accurate. Women are all different, and there is no perfect formula on how to treat them. However, I'm posting this because I've gotten several suggestions and requests that I do so. I've gotten quite a bit of positive feedback, and I've never had a woman write and tell me I'm all wet, if that counts for anything.

This is an Internet article I wrote almost ten years ago, and haven't changed a great deal since. I'm going to put it in here just to get feedback from folks as I like to get new perspectives.

This one was aimed at male readers, but I want females to tell me how I do on my advice.

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Getting Lucky 101:
How to Become the Best Lover You Can Be
Men's Edition

To be the best lover she's ever had, you have to be part hero from a romance novel, part psychologist, part philosopher, part confidant, and part genie. Don't worry... it can be done, and more easily than you think. The purpose of this article is to help you become a great lover, not just a great sex partner. There is a difference. She'll remember a great sex partner fondly for a while, but she'll brag about a great lover all her life.

You'll have to leave your preconceptions at the door, and if your ego can't handle taking pointers of basic behavior, don't bother reading further. Come back when you decide you're ready for a crash course in making women ecstatic. For the rest of you, come on in... you won't have reason to regret it. It may take a little effort, but it will pay off with the biggest dividends in you life.

On the Date (and Before)

1) The main difference between a great sex partner and a great lover is that great sex partners may be fun to maul the mattress with, but a great lover makes a woman feel better about herself as well. Being a great lover begins as soon as you first meet. That doesn't mean you have to play Casanova and begin seducing every woman you come in contact with. It means that you have to demonstrate some of the qualities of a great lover from the moment she first lays eyes on you, and that is shown in how you behave towards all women.

2) The single thing that will make you a better lover more surely than any technique of secret position is the sincere desire for your partner to enjoy themselves. All the rest is window dressing.

3) Anyone who honestly believes that "all's fair in love and war" has no business practicing either. Being a good lover involves trust... both giving and receiving. I wouldn't ever bed a person I felt I couldn't trust. The reasons are obvious. Enough said.

4) Women are raised on romance. Give her a little. Get into it! It's fun!

5) Treat her like a lady... before and after. By agreeing to share your bed, she has paid you the second highest compliment of which she is capable (the first involving marriage and offspring). Don't treat her like she's cheap for doing so. If that makes her cheap, what kind of statement does that make about you?

6) For God's sake, don't use porno movies as a guide on how to behave either in or out of bed! All it will do is make you feel inadequate and make her feel nauseous. (Okay, maybe one woman in a thousand may like playing the type of sex-bunny you see in adult films, but let's be realistic...) Maybe, when you are really comfortable with each other, then she may want to play out a fantasy or two of this type, but for most women, this is strictly grounds for showing you the door.

7) Manners will tell her a lot about what you're like, both in and out of bed. A lack of manners will tell her even more... and not things you want her to know.

8) A little gallantry is never out of place. Opening a door for her or pulling out her chair is a small gesture which can convey a lot to a woman. (I'm glad there are so few rabid feminists now-a-days... women who feel insulted by gallant behavior make me nervous.) I've heard of men who say this is "artificial behavior... so you're not being honest by behaving this way." Bull! They can use the same argument to justify any behavior they wish to avoid. Is it artificial to wish for her to feel a bit special? Is it dishonest to show her that you feel she is a lady, worthy of the little gestures that convey that message? Even at it's most cynical level, being polite is merely a form of "social lubricant" which prevent the parts which are in close contact from excessive friction. (Not my analogy... I borrowed it from a much greater author than myself.) A little more chivalry and a little less "practicality" could make for many more pleasant evenings for the both of you.

9) Being discrete is never a mistake.

10) This may be really obvious (though I have it on good authority that this actually happens), but gas (either kind) is not something your partner wants to experience with you. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it should be part of your "share the wealth" program. This is the most basic of manners.

11) When you're at a restaurant (or any eating establishment), don't ever ask, "Are you gonna finish that?" So, wasting food isn't to be encouraged... but this makes you sound like a first-string slob. And never... ever just help yourself to anything on her plate without her offering. I've known women who have forked a man's hand for this presumption.

12) Don't go into a date thinking how to get her into bed. Do not sit there thinking, "Wow, she's really hot! And what a rack! I gotta do something to get her into the sack." Concentrate on enjoying the evening and helping her enjoy herself as well. Too much effort to steer events into the bedroom will shoot you in the foot. This is even true when you're dealing with a woman you've been sleeping with for years. Sit back... relax... enjoy. Let the rest take care of itself.

13) Flowers and candy may be the most traditional overtures to a seduction (and are still very acceptable romantic gifts), but if you want to get lucky, take her dancing. Almost every woman loves to dance... it makes them feel sexy. And to women, there are very few things sexier than a man who moves well on the dance floor. Don't worry if you are not a great dancer, ask her to teach you. Bonus points!

14) Don't brag about how good you are in bed to a woman. It doesn't impress them. In fact, it has the opposite effect. To almost every woman I've ever spoken to on the subject, when a man tells them how great he is in the sack, or how big he is, or how many women he's had, they automatically assume he's compensating for being a lousy lay.

15) On the topic of manners, try hand kissing. Many women have never in their lives had their hand kissed. Even fewer have had it done well. If you learn to do it well, you'll find many women much more responsive. Hell, I've seen some women virtually drag a man into the nearest bushes after a really good hand-kissing (but don't expect this behavior most of the time). For beginners, rent "Don Juan de Marco" and watch Johnny Depp in the restaurant scene, (though even he has room for improvement). You want to be sensuous, not suggestive, and the tongue should never be involved. Trust me on this one, guys! We'd all get lucky a lot more often if we brought back this tidbit of chivalry. But avoid knuckle-sucking. I know one woman who had a man she just met do this, and she remembers him to this day. Trust me... this is not how you want to be remembered.

16) Never think that dinner and a movie "entitles" you to anything . What it entitles you to is the lady's company during the meal and movie... period. Beyond that, she doesn't "owe" you Jack. If your spending money on her makes you think she's got to put out, then you should go to Nevada... where prostitution is legal.

17) Alcohol is a depressant. It deadens nerve activity and often makes sex less pleasurable and more "work". Moderation is always in order.

18) Learn to take "No" for an answer, either concerning specific sexual behavior or going to bed at all. This holds equally true for a wife as it does for a casual date. Asking you up for a drink is not an invitation to bed. Cooking you dinner at her place does not give you stud rights to the hostess. If she says "No", take her at her word. Don't push, and DON'T ESCALATE thinking all you need to do is turn her on and she'll change her mind! I have never met a woman who said "No" who simply meant "Yes". Remember... take her at her word. Sometimes she may mean "Not now... let's work up to it a little more gradually". Sometimes she may mean "Not now... but if you play your cards right, maybe next date" (she may not want to appear "easy"). Sometimes she may mean, "Not now... my roommate is coming home any minute and I don't want her to find us making a mess on the oriental rug". Sometimes she may mean "Not now... I really do have a headache." And sometimes she may mean "Not now... not ever. You're not my type." Give her the benefit of the doubt.

19) Never, ever, expect her to fall into bed with you on the first date. If you can't bring yourself to actually wait for the second or third date, you've got way too high an opinion of yourself. And you're likely going to end up very lonely, with the Playboy Channel and a hard-on that's all dressed up and has nowhere to go. Don't be a jerk... have a little patience.

20) Concerning the "third date" rule... forget it. If you have some mythical time table that has to be followed concerning when you are supposed to have sex, apply for a job as a worker on a production line... then you will know what to expect. Every woman has her own speed, and she'll adjust it or ignore it to fit each man she dates.

 

The Kiss

21) Learn how to kiss. For most women, an open-mouth kiss is almost as intimate as intercourse. It is definitely her best indication as to what kind of a lover you are. Are you too sloppy? Too tense? Too aggressive (i.e., do you lead with your tongue?) Too tentative? If you kiss well, most women will forgive you several other points. I've even heard women say that they dumped a man who was wonderful in almost every respect, but was a lousy kisser. To most men, kissing is seen mostly as a prelude to sex. To most women, kissing is an integral part of sex. Learn to think her way, and you'll do better, both in and out of bed. Some women can approach orgasm from a really good kiss... does that tell you anything? And another point on kissing... don't stick your tongue down her throat. This is not a competitive event where you're going for distance. And yet another... don't use it as an excuse to body-grind her. There's nothing wrong with a strong kiss, but bruising is seldom considered sexy. Take it easy. Let her breathe.

22) Try to figure what kind of a kiss she enjoys the most. Strong or soft, how much tongue involvement, how much control to exert... there are lots of factors that go into gauging a good kiss, and almost all depend on how your partner reacts.

23) Many women like to feel pampered by a kiss. The slow, sensual style can often be helped by caressing her face gently with the fingers at the same time. Some women will just about melt if you do this well.

24) On the other hand, for some women, a strong kiss can be extremely sexy. They like to feel that the man is confident enough that they can let him take the lead. Some women like to let go and feel a little submissive. I know... this is a dangerous stereotype. It involves a lot of trust on the woman's half, and so is seldom a good approach very early in a relationship. However, once she knows that you're not going to lose control and go Neanderthal on her, for some, wrapping a hand into her hair and controlling the kiss can just about make her cream her jeans.

25) Most women can enjoy more than one type of kiss. Some of the most enjoyable kissers are the ones that like a little variety, depending on their mood. Starting soft gives you somewhere to go.

 

Sexual Etiquette

26) I have spent way too much time repairing the damage done by women's previous lovers. If there were more who practiced a bit of sexual etiquette and consideration, it would make it much easier on those of us who do... and the ladies would be able to relax and enjoy a whole lot more.

27) Be willing to learn.

28) Listen to what she says. A lot of times, women will tell you what they are expecting or what they enjoy by the off-hand comments they make or the jokes they tell. Sometimes, women will express desires through humor that they may be hesitant to come right out and ask about in regular conversation. That gives you the opportunity to bring the topic up later in a more serious setting. That way, you can ask, "Were you just joking about [whatever], or are you actually interested?" It gives you a way of finding out without offending.

29) Foreplay starts when she opens the door to say "Hi". That doesn't mean you jump her after ringing the doorbell. This is, in most societies, a severe breech of etiquette (DUH!) What I mean is that a successful bedroom encounter starts immediately. Your behavior determines what kind of a lover she imagines you to be. For women, it's much more of a package deal, not just what transpires between the sheets. If you have good qualities while still vertical, she will assume this will carry over into the bedroom. That's why sex starts at the front door. You can lay the ground work for a much more satisfying evening by starting early. And don't change behavior when you get horizontal! Going from Romeo to the Incredible Hulk isn't going to engender trust. It is likely to engender an invitation to leave.

30) Don't let the little head do the thinking for the big head.

31) Think sensually rather than sexually.

32) I've almost never had to ask a woman to bed. Either we end up there in the natural course of events, or she makes it clear that's what she wants. If you make it clear that you find her desirable, you probably will never need to say, "How 'bout it?" Some women are inhibited enough that they can't make the first move, but for the majority of cases, an overt pass is not needed. In some cases, if it isn't handled tactfully, what was a sure thing will vanish before your very eyes. And the phrase "Wanna fuck?" is unlikely to have the desired effect. (Does the name "Bobbitt" mean anything to you?)

33) Don't make the mistake of pre-judging a woman's amorous talents by how fast you hit the sheets. How likely they are to has nothing to do with how good they are. I've experienced virtually every extreme in this regard, and I've never found any pattern. Some women who fend a man off for months can be the most passionate when they decide it's time. Some women who drag you into the sack for an appetizer can be suffering from the "easy means good" misconception. And let's face it, there is such a thing as bad sex. The only thing that makes it superior to masturbation is that you're not alone. Some of the best lovers can be the ones you have to wait the longest for. There's no way of telling but waiting to find out for yourself.

34) Any person who utters the words "You would if you loved me", under any circumstances, especially sexual, deserves tar and feathers... except for the ones who are into that. (They deserve Jerry Springer.) Emotional blackmail for sexual gratification is one of the more loathsome things people tend to practice.

35) Don't ever try to tell a woman how she feels, either emotionally or physically. If she says, "Stop, that hurts," do not reply, "No, it doesn't" or "It shouldn't." Wrong answer! If she says "I feel [angry, jealous, resentful, insulted, or whatever]," do not say, "No, you don't." This may be the single most presumptions thing I have ever heard men pull, and I've heard many women complain about former lovers who have tried this. She's the only one who can say how she feels. There is no "right way" or "wrong way" to feelings. When a man does this, the woman should reach out, give his balls a really good yank, and when he complains, she should reply, "I didn't feel a thing."

36) Cleanliness is an essential. The greatest aphrodisiac known is soap and water. If you look and smell clean, your teeth are brushed and your breath sweet, she'll be much more likely to want to get close to you. If you know you're headed for the bedroom and can arrange it, a quick shower and teeth cleaning will make her enjoy getting next to you (if anything does). Don't ever expect her to want to move her face anywhere below your neck level if you smell like a yak caught in a heat wave. And you can sure kiss that blow-job goodbye unless you pass her standards of inspection. A penis isn't a rose under the best of circumstances... a sweaty crotch isn't sexy unless it's gotten through honest sexual exercise on her behalf. Now, most women find the scent of a man enjoyable if it is the smell of "clean sweat". It is a masculine smell, and so long as it isn't overdone, reminds them that they are in the company of a man. However, the smell of "dirty sweat" (like you've been marinating for a couple of days in your clothes) is objectionable to anyone. Remember, the smell of clean male is attractive to her... the stink of over-ripe male is not.

37) On the other hand, watch out for antiperspirants and after-shaves that have an obnoxious taste. Nothing's going to stop her licking her way down your body faster that tasting like you're wearing Eau de Toxic Waste.

38) Make sure you're shaved when you get next to her. The stubble on your chin is not meant as an exfoliant. After all, when was the last time you saw a woman French kiss a Brillo pad?

39) Another tip about grooming... watch your fingernails. Make sure that they are trimmed, but without any sharp edges that can scratch. You can put an abrupt end to what has been a very successful encounter by causing an accidental scratch inside her. You don't have to be manicured, just non-abrasive. Being scratched by a toenail during an intense moment can be very distracting as well.

40) Some women don't like making love with the lights on. They may be body conscious, or they may feel it's sexier to simply find your way by feel. I know that visual stimulus is important to us as males, but if she feels strongly, tough it out. Maybe later she'll relax enough to give you a little peek during things.

41) Don't become a director when you're in bed. A gentle suggestion or two may be okay, but if you make a habit of it, it sounds as if you figure she doesn't know what she's doing. And never make it sound like an order unless she has indicated quite clearly that she's into submission. If you feel you have to direct during sex, get into making porn movies.

42) Unless you have discussed the possibility and she has expressed a genuine interest in the idea, don't introduce a third party into the mix. Springing a threesome on her and assuming that she'll go along is about as tacky as it gets. And if she does agree, you'd better be prepared for her to so the same... maybe with an old boyfriend of hers. If you don't like the idea of her adding another male, don't be a hypocrite and suggest another female.

43) Don't get overly familiar with your hands just because she slept with you. Grabbing her ass or copping a feel in front of "the guys" is not good under any circumstances. It basically says, "Hey! Look who I nailed last night!" This is most likely to guarantee that the last time you slept with her will be the last time you ever sleep with her.

 

Before Sex

44) The process of undressing will send her definite signals about you. If your pants are the first thing to hit the floor, it makes you look like you're about to announce "Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" Maybe Tom Cruise can make this look work... I'm not him, and neither are you. Start with the shirt. And lose the socks before the pants. Then again, maybe nobody wants to look like Tom Cruise…

45) Trying to initiate foreplay before she can remove any clothing would be considered rushing things a bit (ya think?) Some women really enjoy undressing for a man. Others are much more excited if the man undresses them himself... sort of unwrapping a present. Take it easy. If you are kissing her shoulder while one of you is working on the clasp on her bra, it doesn't matter if it takes a few moments to get it undone.

46) One of the best things you can do for your partner and yourself is to practice massage. Women's bodies usually need to be coaxed into a receptive mood, and helping them relax through massage is a great way to accomplish this. Here's a curious fact... the person giving a massage usually ends up with higher levels of natural pleasure chemicals in their bodies (serotonin) than the person receiving the massage. (Hmmmm...) A massage should be firm but never rough. Women may occasionally need to use elbows or such to exert enough pressure to do the job, but your hands are quite likely stronger than hers, and her muscles more sensitive to abuse. Learn to feel for the spots that require attention, but don't attack them like their something to be pounded into submission. Beyond the traditional back rub, there are many forms and areas of massage that you may want to consider:

* If you want to get sensual, a scalp massage is a treat many women never experience. Use just the fingertips for the most part. Don't exert too much pressure, and be careful not to pull her hair. The scalp is thin and has lots of nerves, but virtually no muscle except for the microscopic types involved in the skin and blood vessels. Most women love to have their hair played with, and this can turn into a whole separate form of foreplay by itself, but unexpected pain will undo a lot of effort to help her relax. Start by gently stroking the hair before actually getting your fingers down to her scalp. Careful but firm massaging all the way from the hairline all the way back to the base of the skull is a wonderful method of reducing tension.

* Yet another form of massage that can be tremendously sensual is the face. How you approach this should be determined by how intimate you are with the lady. If she is still learning to trust you, then have her sit facing away from you and lean back against your chest for support. If you know her well, have her lie down, her head resting face up on a pillow which you have on your crossed legs. [Warning! Do not use this position if you are still getting to know each other, or she will see it as just another attempt to get her face near your crotch! You may be completely innocent in your intent, but you'll never convince her of that.] As with any massage, be careful, especially since the face has so many pressure points which are both sensitive and delicate. The temples will release much nervous energy and can help forestall headaches that can affect a woman's ability to relax. The jaw muscles, on the other hand, are some of the strongest muscles she has... they can hold a lot of tension, too. The areas behind the ears are also often missed. After you're done massaging, run your fingertips very lightly over the skin of her face... don't neglect the eyelids, lips or under the jaw. This will often drain away the last vestiges of stress or nervousness (especially for first time encounters).

* If you want to be considerate, rub her feet. Let's face it... most everyone's feet are sore most of the time, we just learn to ignore it. There is also a reflexology point that is stimulated by running the fingers down the foot between the big toe and the next, keeping pressure firm but not excessive, stroking from the point where the bones join down to where the toes part. Keep pressure even on both top and bottom of the foot. The hollow of the Achilles tendon (where the muscle from the back of the leg attaches to the heel) is another reflexology point. Spend most of your time on the soles of her feet... this is where most of the abused muscles lie.

47) Learn to nibble using just the lips. Any sensitive area of her skin is likely to produce a bumper crop of shivers if you nibble. It feels less passive (and messy) than licking, and more stimulating than kissing. All three methods have their place, but personally, I like to nibble more often. And it seems so does she.

 

Between the Sheets

[I wish I could give you some magic tips on technique that are guaranteed never-fail climax producers, but women vary so drastically in this regard, each situation is basically unique. That's why sex is an art, not a science. The only guaranteed way to succeed is to ask her... have her coach you through it. Hey, it's better than being bad at it!]

48) The brain is the only real sexual organ. That's why fantasy works. Everything just sends the messages.

49) Most women have only one erogenous zone... it begins at the top of the scalp and ends at the toenails. A good lover can use virtually every inch of skin to stimulate their partner.

50) Learn that it's alright to laugh in bed. Laughter can be a great aphrodisiac, but never if it's at your partner's expense. And this doesn't mean you should tell a joke in the middle of things. I'm simply saying that if you can laugh in the sack, there is very little that will ever happen that you can't get over. Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself if something ridiculous happens. We're talking about sex, here! At best, it's a rather comical set of activities which, when done properly, are highly pleasurable for all involved. But remember to laugh with... not at.

51) Most women don't really want a Boy Scout in the bedroom. There is such a thing as being too much of a gentleman. Don't ask her permission every time you are about to do something. Proceed with confidence, but give her a chance to turn something down. You don't always know what will work for her. Let her learn from you as well as the other way around. Confidence is sexy in a man. Arrogance is not.

52) Biting is alright if it's okay with your partner, but leaving marks visible the next day is not. "Hickies" and "love bites" smack of branding cattle, and it sends the same message. Some may be into that, but discretion is the better part of valor… if you leave a mark, make it somewhere she won’t have to cover it with makeup to go out in public.

53) Protection is not the woman's responsibility.

54) Fantasy is wonderful in its place, but keep a firm grip on where fantasy ends and reality begins. Remember... fantasy is a game! It should be fun for both parties. Keep the operative word "fun".

55) There is really only one goal in non-reproductive sex, and that's to make your partner as crazy as possible. If she loses the ability to speak coherently, you're on the right track. If she begins to lose sensation in her fingers or toes because of hyperventilation, your purpose is achieved. If she passes out, that's too much… well, in some cases.

56) A word of warning: men who are well hung are often lazy or unimaginative lovers. Just because a penis reaches a certain length does not make it a magic wand for producing female orgasms. You've got to work just as conscientiously to please her as lesser mortals.

57) Learn to communicate non-verbally. Grabbing her head and shoving it to your crotch does not qualify! (Okay... it is communication. What it says is "I am a jerk who you would probably like to see on fire about now.") I'm talking about not being afraid of making noises that tell her what you like. There is very little that will frustrate a woman more than having to prompt you with "Do you like that?" If she has to ask, you're not doing it right. The silent, impassive, macho front is garbage. It doesn't tell her you're strong or cool or experienced. It tells her you're not going to enjoy anything she tries, so why bother? Don't fake it... just let it out. One of the things women have said they like about me personally is they never need to guess what I like... I purr. Major bonus points. Like Stevie Nicks sang in Gold Dust Woman... "Lousy lovers... think they're brave if they never cry out loud."

58) If your partner shows no interest in talking dirty in bed, take the hint and shut up! Sounding like something out of a porno movie is not usually attractive to women. There are exceptions... some ladies enjoy not sounding lady-like between the sheets. There are also some women who only do it because they think it's what a man wants. Personally, I find the sound of a heart-felt gasp much sexier. A woman chanting obscenities in my ear puts me off my game.

 

59) There are many more erogenous zones on a woman than just the breasts and vagina. Pay attention to them!

* The Japanese are absolutely right about the eroticism of the nape of the woman's neck. My experience says that the area actually stretches from where the shoulder muscles slope up into the neck, include the entire neck up to the hair-line (and includes the throat as well), and across to the other side. Careful! Some women are ticklish. If so, work up to this slowly over a number of encounters... it'll be worth your patience.

* Ears can be good, but aren't as dependable. Blowing may work in some cases (gently! very gently!), while nibbling, licking or nuzzling may work best in others. Experimentation is the key.

* The skin on the inside of the forearms from the wrist to the elbow is also rather sensitive, with the spot at the tender area in the crook of the elbow as the most crucial. Gentle stroking with the fingertips is usually good, but kissing and nibbling with the lips is certainly worth a go.

* The palm of the hand is also very sensitive to being kissed and nibbled. Be careful because this can also be very ticklish. It is often best to do this after you have been kissing the back of her hand. However, do not do this unless you are ready to move directly into the bedroom. It is far too suggestive as a part of purely casual hand-kissing (if there is such a thing).

* The lips are very sensitive to touch. Outside of kissing, you can be very sensuous by very slowly and gently running a fingertip over their lips. This is amazingly intimate feeling for her, and tremendously romantic as well. Don't over-do... a couple of feather touches before moving on to other things is usually enough. Applying her lip-gloss with your fingers can be great fun for both of you as well.

60) Women's reactions to stimulus changes on a daily basis. Just because it worked yesterday is no guarantee for how it may work tonight. Also, certain spots may be more sensitive to pressure (good and bad) some times than others. Be adaptable.

61) On that subject, a woman's nipples will vary dramatically in how sensitive they are from one occasion to the next. An action which almost makes her come one day may get you slapped the next. It's usually not quite that extreme, but can come close. Don't blame her. Her nipples can be especially sensitive to pain when hormones are at work. Be aware... start gently and work your way up from there.

62) Still on the subject of nipples, for the vast majority of women, their nipples act as "emotional barometers", and when tight and erect say that she is enjoying whatever you're doing. Women can pretend some things to protect our poor male egos, but this one is difficult to fake.

63) Most women take longer than men to become aroused... that's basic physiology. If I know my partner is capable of more than one orgasm per evening (and there are women who are not), I like to try to give her at least one good orgasm before I even consider penetration. For many women, it makes the next one that much easier. However you do it is fine... orally, manually, or by using the entire small appliance section of Sears... whatever the lady enjoys enough to really let go. This is a situation of "whatever works".

64) Consider this as well... in general, it's my experience that the longer it takes from achieving erection to ejaculation, the more intense the climax. That means that it benefits you as well not to rush things too much.

65) There is nothing wrong with using marital aids, sex toys, or what have you, so long as the interest in using them is mutual. Bondage and domination paraphernalia, s/m tools, or vibrators that need their own hanger at the airport should not be sprung on her without first knowing that they will be appreciated. That includes anything that you hope for her to use on you as well. Surprises in this regard can be unpleasant.

66) Don't attack the clitoris like it's some magic button which causes orgasm when pressed. A lot of women don't enjoy direct clitoral contact except under very specific circumstances, especially with the fingers. Take it easy, because there are a lot of nerves packed into a very small area. (It sort of makes up for the scarcity of nerves through the rest of the vagina.) Unlike the penis, the clitoris must be carefully seduced. Beware direct contact with the clitoris if your fingers are dry. This can be uncomfortable at best. Unlike the vagina, the clitoris has no natural lubricants. It is also easily irritated if you approach it before it is erect. (See the section on cunnilingus.)

67) For most women, the G-spot is often a more pleasurable point than the clitoris. It occupies a spot about the size of a thumbnail a couple of inches farther into the vagina in approximately the same position. As with the clitoris, it has lots of nerves packed into a small area, so care is needed. Its location usually makes intercourse the easiest and most effective method of stimulation. That may be why many women want to have the grand finale that way. (Bless their little... uh... hearts.)

68) For many women, the definition of a gentleman is a man who keeps half his weight on his elbows. This is especially true if you are considerably larger than your partner. She isn't a grape, and you're not making wine.

69) Concerning sexual positions... you don't have to be a Kama Sutra action figure to please a woman. Just a few of the basics tend to provide enough variety for most. Each has its advantages and disadvantages.

* Missionary: traditional man-on-top sex is the least work for the woman and it puts you face-to-face, allowing kissing during the act, as well as full body contact. It is also the most "vanilla" of positions. Often makes access to the breasts a bit crowded.

* Rear-entry or "doggie-style": a horrible term for a position that, for many women, is their favorite. Depending on the "tip" or angle of a woman's vagina (yes, women vary in this regard sometimes as well), this can often allow for the greatest clitoral/G-spot stimulation, but kissing becomes impossible. It is also more work for her. Offer the use of pillows to help her out. On the other hand, it does allow the hands to be used more effectively on the breasts.

* Cowgirl: the woman-on-top, usually upright over the man, who may be either sitting or lying back. It gives the woman the greatest control over motion and penetration. It is also very visually stimulating for the man, and again allows access to the breasts. The drawbacks are that it is the most work for her, can be hard on her hips, and it doesn't allow you to back off to control ejaculation.

* Reverse cowgirl: the woman-on-top as above, but facing the man's feet. The same advantages as above, but may have the additional bonus of some women getting greater stimulation from the tilt involved. Also has the same disadvantages, but adds more difficulty in caressing the breasts. This is a matter of the individual woman's tastes.

70) Keep in mind that though the penis is covered by skin, the vagina is lined with mucus membrane. Excessive friction is not pleasant for most. You may think it's macho to go for thirty minutes, but by then she's probably lost all sensation and is either approaching pain or doing her shopping list for tomorrow. Playing John Henry, the steel drivin' man, is not needed or welcome in most cases. You're confusing quantity with quality. If it honestly takes you that long to get there, I would consult a physician. Otherwise, learn when enough is enough.

71) The phenomenon of female ejaculation is not as common as writers of erotica would have you believe. Women who "gush" when they come are only about a third of the female population, so don't let it worry you too much if your partner doesn't... it may simply be that she doesn't, not that she didn't climax. And those that do don't necessarily do so every time.

72) There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman who can only climax once. I've had some highly enjoyable times with women like this. Most people had never even heard the phrase "multiple orgasm" until the 1970s. She may not be built for more. Sometimes it's a result of maturity... some women say that they weren't able to have more than one climax until they were older. Sometimes it's a matter of practice... the more experience, the easier it is to enjoy. Sometimes it's their partner... and that's the only one you can possibly help with.

73) On the other hand, to be perfectly honest, the multiply-orgasmic female can just be plain old fun! There is no greater applause. I get as big a charge out of my partner's climax as I do my own. For my part, a partner who can enjoy two or three or even ten or more really satisfying orgasms is a pearl beyond price.

74) Anal sex is a subject which, if you'll forgive the pun, should be approached gently. Some women are absolutely disgusted by the thought. Some simply suffer from too much discomfort. Some are nervous to the point where they can't relax enough to discover if they can enjoy it. Your partner must trust you implicitly to allow you to even attempt this. In short, it's not for everyone. If your partner is willing, take advantage of the position this puts you in... make use of your hands. Women who enjoy anal sex often enjoy double penetration, and unless you're a man with a spare lying around, that means using your hands or an aid of some type. Simultaneous vaginal stimulation often makes for a more enjoyable experience.

75) Regardless of whether it's your first date or you've been monogamous for thirty years, if you are engaging in anal sex, use a condom and a good non-oily lubricant. (KY is the most common.) Ignoring the subject of STDs completely, it is simply good practice for hygiene. Condoms help with clean-up, and non-oil lubricants have less likelihood of transmitting germs, etc. And you'd better know every fact about STDs before doing anything of this nature. However, I must admit that some women detest condoms enough to tell a man not to bother. They dislike the feeling of latex in this way, and prefer the sensation of real skin. Simply remember to weigh the possibilities carefully before proceeding.

 

Oral Sex... Giving or Receiving

76) For many women, oral sex (as in receiving) holds little appeal. I was surprised at this, but a respectable percentage of women I have known (both biblically and non-) were of the "it is better to give than to receive" mind-set. When I have made moves in this direction, some women have been quite adamant about stopping things before they got started. Without embarrassing them, I have discovered several possible reasons for this:

* They quite honestly have no physical desire along those lines... the very concept has no appeal. It's psychological, and the only thing to do is wait. Don't push. Maybe she'll change her mind... maybe not.

* They would much rather be kissed on the mouth. In terms of stimulation, the mouth and tongue have more nerve ends. Odd, but true. That may be why kissing is so important to women.

* They have problems after cunnilingus with yeast infections. Yep. Some women are highly susceptible, and the mouth is a great way to transfer nasty little microbes. The solution is to avoid eating sugar or drinking fermented beverages before hand, brushing your teeth and using a good oral antiseptic. This should prevent your planting lots of little germs. (However, you may taste medicinal... plan ahead if possible.) Remember that her mouth will host germs, too. She'll have to go through the same decontam procedure, or you'll just end up with her germs and transfer them right back to her. I know that this sounds like work, but being a considerate lover takes some effort.

* They are afraid that they may not be pleasant tasting for the man... a concern which is, in my experience, entirely unfounded. Unique... exciting... but not unpleasant.

* They have had bad experiences with cunnilingus in the past. The solution... patience and trust. Let her know you're willing, but it's her time schedule and her decision.

77) When you perform cunnilingus, the process must be performed gradually. Never rush. Remember that, though the focus is on the clitoris, you can't just dive in without preliminary. Monty Python’s Meaning of Life had a great line on this subject: “You don’t need to stampede straight for the clitoris!” It's a popular misconception that giving a woman head is all tongue action. Just as for fellatio, giving good cunnilingus involves not only the tongue, but the lips and fingers as well.

* Begin by kissing and gently stroking the area around her genitals, especially the skin where the thighs almost meet the labia. Then you can move onto the lips themselves. The entire process must be almost teasing in nature.

* Next, you can part the lips (either with moistened fingers or with the tongue) and you can begin paying attention to the interior areas. Try to avoid the urethra and direct contact with the clitoris for the moment. You can gently flick across the sheath of the clit, but don't zero in like this is some kind of joy buzzer.

*As you continue, you can bypass the clit and thrust the tongue deeper into the vagina ("tongue-fucking"). Vary things so that it doesn't become repetitive for very long unless her reactions tell you clearly to keep going.

* When the clitoris is erect, then you can pay it more attention, licking directly but gently, and eventually sucking. You'll probably have to use your fingers very gently to stretch the skin of the sheath out of the way to expose the clitoris enough for this. Don't try to actually stretch the sheath directly... use the skin outside it to move it. Begin by sucking very gently, because some women can't take much of this before they max out. You can increase suction, but only if she reacts well to the lighter level.

* Now is when you can really begin to use your fingers. While keeping up tongue-flicking and sucking her clitoris, insert a finger into the vagina and increase her stimulation manually. If she can handle more, add a second finger as well. Some women can enjoy a number of extremely intense orgasms in this way.

* If you want to try something extra to give her a final shove over the edge during head, just put some pressure with the thumb or a knuckle on her anus as she's about to come. Don't penetrate unless you know from experience this is what she wants. Just apply some pressure to the entire sphincter at the same time. This is a gamble, but for some women, it will hit the jackpot.

78) Unless you are playing out a sub/dom scene, then when she's giving you head, be a gentleman and let her control the action. Women who like performing oral sex often like it because it makes them feel sexy and wanton. It's her show... let her perform. She needs to be able to relax her jaw if she needs, and breathing is occasionally nice, too! Give her some good audio non-verbal feedback and enjoy! If you grab and ram, she's going to be much more concerned with not gagging or passing out rather than helping you enjoy the act. Don't lock her into a position where she has no control.

79) What you eat can affect the taste of your semen. If you expect to come in her mouth, make it as pleasurable as you can for her (a difficult prospect at the best of times). For 24 hours before, avoid things which are highly acidic, too much dairy, and certain distinctively flavored vegetables (like asparagus or green pepper). Certain naturally fermented Japanese beers are supposed to actually improve the flavor. Plan ahead!

80) And while we're on the subject... give her a little warning when it's going to happen. If a lady is considerate enough to perform fellatio on you, the least you can let her know if/when you're going to come. This is simple common courtesy. I've never gotten a complaint even though I've never announced the golden moment. My reactions are always very readable. I could no more "sneak" an orgasm up on a woman than you could stop a diesel with a wet tissue. I give a woman plenty of advance warning through non-verbal reactions so that she has plenty of time to decide what she's going to do... either back off to stretch things out, change tactics (or positions), avert her mouth and keep stroking if she's not into taking a load orally, or keep going and brace for impact... her choice.

 

After the Fact

81) Be willing to sleep on the wet spot.

82) Don't ask "Did you come?" If you have to ask, it's too late. If you honestly couldn't tell, ask her "Is there anything else I can do for you?" or words to that effect. This way you don't put her on the spot, and it shows concern for her pleasure. It also says you're willing to do what is needed if she is ready to go on. (Some women will actually have their best orgasm after you're finished and they can concentrate on enjoying themselves.)

83) And don't ask "Was it good for you?" That's like trying to take a bow when there's no one applauding. If you really need the feedback, compliment her performance in a tactful manner instead. It should get you the response you want without sounding like "Am I good or what?"

84) Compliment her, and not just, "Whoa! Nice tits, babe!" Have a little class. Be sincere. If you can't find anything to compliment her about, what the hell are you doing there? Something attracted you to her. This is even more important in long-term relationships. Don't become complacent, and don't think, "Oh, she knows." She may know, but if you say something, it will remind her. Then again, she may not know. You may have to tell her the same thing daily for years before it sinks in that you mean it, just because it didn't fit her view of herself. Tell her. It will make her happy, and happy women are better lovers. And isn't that rough?

85) A warning concerning compliments: when you are talking about sexual encounters, complimentary adjectives mean different things to women than to men. If they ask how it was for you (and some may), NEVER say "okay" or "fine". When you say "fine", they hear "barely adequate", and to them "okay" means "Well... you were there."

86) This is a no brainer, but don't talk about previous girlfriends and what they did, or especially how they were in bed. Do this more than once and you'll likely be invited to go back to them... permanently.

87) Keep your mouth shut after the fact. Regardless of how it was or what you say, open your mouth to the wrong person (and to most women, that includes everyone) and you'll never get another chance with her. If she wants to share the news, fine. This is one of those double standards that come along sometimes... don't question it, just accept it. Just be an adept lover and keep quiet. You'll win on both counts.

[end of article]

Thanks for reading this through. I hope you may have found something worthwhile in all of it. If you'd like to leave feedback, I'm always open to input.

 

Fox, you rock!!!

 

Fascinating, Foxes'_Den! In fact, it's so thorough and rich that I can digest it only in small nuggets. Having gotten through pointer #50, I have to ask: doesn't gallantry get a little exhausting after a while? Can you really relax and be yourself if you're always looking for a puddle to throw your cloak over? And won't all that attentiveness encourage a woman to make demands, play the prima donna? What if you've had a bellyfull of Scarletts and are more in the mood for a Melanie, or even a Belle Watling?

 

My take on it is that if you get a prima donna, she'd pull the prima donna/entitled bs whatever you do. If you get someone who's truly appreciative of that behaviour, they'll express that appreciation, not turn into some crazy demanding woman who expects you to wait on her hand and foot.

 

I've never found it a problem. It's not something that you do to get laid. Let me put it this way... if you hold the door for your girl, that's only polite. If you hold the door for someone's great-grandmother when your girl's watching, that's better. But if you hold the door for someone's great-grandmother when NO ONE is watching, then you've got it down. It's taking courtesy back to it's most fundamental level. You never have to create situations to be gallant over. There are plenty that occur every day. And once you get into the habit, you'll find that all the "thank you"s you get each day from strangers is more than payment for such a tiny effort.

 

Okay, that makes a lot of sense. I suppose I got hung up on the word "gallantry." To me, it's always suggested an exaggerated, almost theatrical posture. But what you're really talking about is common courtesy, which never gets in the way of a good time.

By the way, imhurria, I appreciate your point, too. Some people are givers, other people are takers. Being generous or kind won't make anyone change teams.

 

I thoroughly agree. Don't get a Chevy expecting it to run like a Rolls Royce. I'm actually for the first time in my life realizing clearly what kinds of personalities to avoid. Personality is gaining ground on looks... I see women I'd have sex with within 2 minutes every time I step out the door. So what? It's a lifetime finding a personality that really agrees with mine, and I'm not good at compromising.

Waste of time and energy...if sex came easy, that would have been a different story. But I just have to come to terms with reality and accept to deal with women in their own terms in order to have sex, or hoping to meet someone whose ideas are closer to mine.

 

Foxes' Den, I haven't read your whole thesis yet, but something already bothers me... You put a lot of emphasis on what women like, hope, wish for - men are not on Earth to pamper women w/o being pampered back, at least.


It's a double-standard. Ok, so I follow your rules and "get lucky" - but the gal I'm with is getting just as lucky as I... So why the hell am I the one to foot the bill?

 

Well, first of all, I should point out that I actually wrote the female version of this article, called Getting Lucky 102, back in 2002. I wrote it at the request of a number of the women I asked to critique my 101 article. It is substantially the same, but mirrored, and so I do feel that men deserve to be treated well... when they deserve it, so I'm not preaching a double standard... you simply didn't see the other article. As I point out at the beginning, this article is aimed at men, hence the phrase "Men's Edition" in the title. However, since most of the women on this forum seem to be practicing many of the things I talk about in the women's version already, I thought it would be silly to post it here. Maybe if I get requests, but not otherwise.

But as to why the man should "pay the bill", it's my personal experience that men have a greater tendency to be clueless of what women want than the reverse. No one has to follow my suggestions. I claim no divine inspiration handing down perfect answers from on high... I just listen to women.

However, it's obvious that you really don't have any need for my advice. You clearly have a good enough track record with women to not need anything I could offer, so you can disregard the article. It wasn't aimed at men who are happy with how things are going for them, only for those who wanted to learn from my experience.

 

Point well, taken Foxes_Den, but you give me way too much credit. I'm actually quite frustrated with my relations with women, and always open to dialogue and reform.

I would, however, like to read your Women's Edition (you forgot to copyright Getting Lucky 102, sorry). It'd be interesting if only to confirm the practice and convictions of the exceptional sample of women we get on this forum...

 

I didn't read past point 5. but...

Lol...true very true, can i qoute you on that...
oh well i just did

Peace

 

You're right... I never copyrighted GL102. I never posted it to the Internet, so I didn't bother. But I did copyright GL101... literally. I published it to a website I created in 2000. If you Google "Getting Lucky 101", you'll find the listing. But that's neither here nor there...

If you like, I'll be happy to PM a copy of GL102 to you... I'll simply have to break it up into 5000 character blocks.

 

It's nice to know there are men out there who pay so much attention to women.