Genitalia, sex, happiness and adequacy disscussion

Hello Everyone!

So I've been thinking about this lately and I thought I'd ask here. We all know that typically we have the best sex when we are confident with ourselves. Well, that's never been me. I'm working on it by focusing on getting a job I actually enjoy and moving out of my parents house (I had to move back in after finishing grad school at the end of August). Being 29 and having to move back home isn't the greatest feeling. If I'm being honest, it took me a long time to actually try and date and the learning curve has been horrendous. But going to grad school forced me to ask women out on date. Unfortunately, it never got passed the first one. Truth is, I think women find me engaging via text and then when we meet it could be any number of things (I texted with these women til 3am for nearly 3 weeks before meeting). I'm not mad and I understand that sometimes there is no chemistry. The thing is, I've never felt chemistry so I don't know how it feels. I think part of the reason I never got a second date was because I'm short (5'5") and the other part is because is I don't know or understand how to escalate physically. I got the conversation part down, most people find me engaging in discussions and I truly enjoyed the conversations. I read about body language, but I've never seen any woman give me any signs that she wants me to escalate. So I don't.

No second date means a lot of time to think and a lot of reading forums and such. I also have small penis syndrome. I know the stats and I'm on the small end of average. A normal condom just barely fits otherwise it'd be too loose. I was reading like most people might do and I keep on seeing one thing over and over again, "you can make up for it." If a larger or slightly larger penis isn't what women want then how come most women are saying that the guy can "make up for it" or "compensate?" That phrasing literally suggests that a man with a smaller penis is inadequate.

Then I read this article: I Dumped a Guy Because He’s Small Downstairs. Am I a Jerk?

I get that they may be size queens (I don't mean that in a negative way, it's the moniker the author used). In the article, she says that you're only an asshole if you think that a man with a smaller penis with other great qualities isn't enough for you simply because he has a small penis. Then she goes on to say that she wouldn't want a larger penis off the menu which literally suggests the opposite. She also goes on to say that a man with a smaller penis has to basically be stellar in every category and that a man with larger penis can be forgiven for his shortcomings simply because he has a large penis.

Needless to say, I've got issues. I'm really frustrated with all the confusion. I think sex is important and regardless of the "truth" I would do whatever I could to please my partner (everything other than having sex with other people). I wouldn't want to be with a woman that doesn't find me attractive and genuinely wants to have sex with me. But somehow it just feels like I'll never be enough or that I'll constantly have to jump through hoops because I'll never be "perfect" in every category. I don't view any woman I date through that lens. I've never dissected them and have always looked at the person as a whole person and how I feel when I'm around them. It just feels like every woman I have dated (even if it was just one date) has a list that she's checking off and has different weights for each category.

Anyway, I'd like to know your thoughts.

 

There are two kinds of people who are frustrated - those who don't know what they want, and those who know exactly what they want, but don't know how to go about getting it.

I'd have to put you in the first of these categories. From your posting, all I can tell that you want is confidence, and that comes from within. You have to generate it. No one can give it to you, and no one can take it away from you, no one but you that is. At age 29, you're never going to be taller, and your penis is never going to be larger than it is right now. In fact, as we age, we get shorter, and normal cardiovascular deterioration and a decline in the elastic properties of certain parts of the penile structure leave most men with smaller erections at age 59 than they had at 29.

Wishing you were taller, or that your penis was larger, or that standard-size condoms fit you better, or that people thought differently than they do about height or penis size, or perceived you to be more charming than they actually do are unrealistic expectations. Unhappiness comes from unfulfilled, unrealistic expectations. Your expectations are probably unrealistic. All human characteristics, other than things like the number of eyes we have follow a bell-shaped distribution when curved, and you are where you are on the curve. There are many men who are shorter than you are and who have smaller penises than you do. Because you have had dates, even first ones, I can safely say that there are men who are less charming than you are. Make the most with what you have.

If you enjoy the company of women, then continue to date. The whole point of dating is to explore compatibility with an eye to a long-term relationship with the right person. I'd say that your dating so far has been highly successful. You're exploring compatibility. Rejection or lack of continuing interest are the rule, not the exception. Not only do princesses have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find their prince, but it works the other way also.

Instead of worrying about things you cannot change, or wishing that women wanted more of your company and to jump into bed with you, focus your attention on making the world a better place and on making yourself into the most magnificent human being you can possibly be.

Your height and penis size are actually wonderful filters. They keep you from making a lifetime commitment with someone who is not compatible with you, and a woman who expects her partner to be average or above in height for an adult man or to have a penis that is average or above in size would not be a good match for you anyway. Don't begrudge anyone her preferences - she's entitled to follow her dreams, needs, and wants also. Just stay engaged in the world, and have fun without hurting anyone else.

As far as escalating physical contact goes, there is no point doing that in the company of someone who isn't into you. Many women who are into you and want you to make physical contact of a romantic or intimate kind will simply initiate it. Some may ask or tell you to do it. If you aren't sure about whether to do it, because you're not sure whether she even likes you, you can ask, "Would it be alright if I ______?" Fill in the blank with whatever it is you are inclined to do.

Being a person who is 29. you should have gotten an earful in school about "consent." Date rape is no joke. For someone you barely know, and a first date is barely knowing someone, ask, and proceed only when you receive explicit and affirmative consent. Seriously, anyone who has been enrolled in a university in the past 10 years or less has had required training about sexual contact and consent, just like everyone in their workplace gets trained on what workplace harassment is. Simply apply what you've learned about consent.

 

I see what you're saying and I agree. Ultimately, I already understood this. I struggle with consistently putting it into action daily. I'm not particularly mad or upset at any woman. I'm more upset at myself for not being at least average.

I know there are people less fortunate and I try to help as much as I can. It's funny, I try very hard to do as much good around me (for others) as I can because I know how crappy I feel sometimes. Unfortunately, I just haven't been able to extend that same gesture to myself.

With the consent stuff, you're right! I've been taught a lot about it and I believe it's super important. So much so that I actually go around teaching young adults (high school/college) the importance of consent as an occupation. My inability to connect with someone lead me to educate myself to the point where I don't know how to put it into practice. So I choose not to do anything unless someone else makes the first move. Its just been my experience that no one has ever made the first move. Sometimes it gives me impostor syndrome. Like, how can I teach someone about something I've never done or have no experience with. To me is just theory.

Regardless, today was a better day. I got a job which will allow me to travel a bit and even though it doesn't pay too well, I think it will do me some good. Hopefully it leads to an exciting long-term career. We'll see.

Thank you for your post @NubbinsUp!

 

It has been some years since I was in the dating scene BUT (always a but it seems) my experience is one of the first questions is "what do you do, i.e. how do you make a living. A response like "I am out of school, 29 and looking for a job" is not going to win points. If they do know what graduate school is, a person is expected to be finished well before age 29. Excuses will not get you far. Another negative is "I am 29 and living with my parents".

Get a job, any kind of decent job and living on-your-on will go a long way toward getting to first base in the dating scene. I knew may doctors who were 5'5" or there about and had gorgeous wives.

 

You can’t change your size in either department, so you’ll have to up your game in other departments. Start off by getting your career on track. Get your own place. Then start seriously venturing back into the dating world. After you get married you won’t be having sex anyways so a small penis won’t be an issue (just kidding)

There’s plenty of women okay with dating smaller dudes. I have a friend of my wife that’s okay in looks and slightly thicker that married a guy about your height with supposedly the same issue. This girl is probably 5’10”. But to my knowledge they’re both happy. And not to sound shallow, but consider different races of women that are typically short and you may have a better chance if finding someone that you’re as tall as or taller than.

 

@Oldiebutgoodie @diesel#

Thank you both for your replies. Here's just a little more information.

I'm not in graduate school anymore, I finished in August and I work a full-time job. The job I have just isn't the industry I want to be in long term; so, I'm applying while I work. I also intern remotely for a company based out of New York just to gain more industry experience and to hopefully work with them soon. That being said, even if I never do something I'm passionate about careerwise, there's room for growth at my current work.

In my limited experience no woman has asked me about how I make a living, but maybe that's because I haven't gotten that far with them.

I am living with my parents, but only to save money. When I was in grad school I was also living on my own and I still couldn't get women to look my way (other than the three first dates).

With all that being said, I agree with both of you. I need to move out and soon. Which is why I stopped trying to date. Every dime not going to student loans is being squirreled away and I'm looking at apartments near my job. Unfortunately, my company is in a pretty rural area, I'd prefer living in the city instead of 50 miles away, but beggars can't be choosers.

Also, I'm not opposed to dating women of different races at all. I'm attracted to a lot of different women.

So here's the plan:

1. Work hard at job
2. Keep applying for better jobs
3. Get a part-time job on weekends
3. Save a little bit more money
4. Move out
5. Pay off all debt
6. Buy my own place

Then start to date again

I realize this isn't all going to happen within the next year. But I think it's doable within the next 10. Sure, I'll be 40 before I start to date. And in many peoples eyes I'll still be a loser. But I can't go back in time and I can only do what I can to change my situation now. It's time to put my head down grind.

 

It's a good plan. A relationship may appear unexpectedly along the way. One of my personal goals was to be completely debt-free by age 45, and I managed to do that. Having no intimate/romantic relationship is better than having a bad one. My first marriage was terrible, and I ignored all of the red flags. You seem to be doing very well so far.

 

I'm not sure if this is a good plan, but at least I'm distracted so the day to day is easier. Maybe all this is just a "quarter life crisis" but it needs to change.

I'm not sure if this is a good plan, but it's something. Anyway, thank you all for the advice. I'm just going to try to take it one day at a time and hopefully not focus on things I can't control.

@Nubbins Not trying to open a can of worms so feel free not to respond, but are you working somewhere you want to work now? Or are you okay with what you do as long as it gives you the lifestyle you want? Or possibly both? I'm sorry about your marriage, but did you just give up on dating? In my brain, I'm leaning toward just leaving women alone entirely and I'm wondering if I'm being to hasty and if I should still try.

I'm kind of in this place where I feel like I have to put in all this effort for a woman to like me and I'm questioning how much effort the person across from me is putting in. Like why do I constantly feel like I have to make up for everything when no one is perfect?