I never knew there was a name for it, until about 10 years ago. I've pretty much always been able to pick up on the vibes, that set it off! Having said that...I've personally known several effeminate men, that most would assume at the drop of a hat, that they were of that persuasion...but were as hetero as the next hetero type that possibly up to then, had not taken that fork in the road...that or they were masters of disguise! And there've been times it didn't go off at all, and sure enough...someone had slipped under the radar totally undetected. Now I don't/won't swear by it, but it sure has served me well over the years! And that is a nice attribute to have if one would rather stash his otherside, in the closet. Like they say...never assume, eh?
First time I heard the word, I laughed for about ten minutes but once I stopped laughing over how silly the word sounded, hmm, maybe this explains how a lot of men knew that they could approach me for sex and because something about me made me show up on their gaydar? Maybe it explains how I can look at some guys and I know that they're either gay or bi like I am - and know it like I knew my own name. I also found out that gaydar can be hit and miss and more so when I've encountered guys who proved to be gay or bi... but never set off my gaydar or, more likely, didn't get my instinct's attention. Or the few times when I thought was 100% sure about a guy because he fully set off my gaydar and, uh-oh - he's straighter than a laser beam! Embarrassing beyond belief. It even hits and misses with gay dudes, so I've taken some comfort in that it's not just me. I've had them be quite shocked because their gaydar told them that I was gay, only to find out that I'm bi and, well, um, some gay guys don't like us bi guys all that much. Even funnier, gaydar reminds me of playing Battleship...
Ha-ha-ha...well put KDaddy! I'm beginning to think that we went to the same school, at one time or another.
I had a friend in high school who, well, who was about as effeminate a guy that I'd ever seen - and I grew up in a neighborhood with some of the gayest men in the city. Everything about him screamed gay from the way he looked right down to his mannerisms and even his sister (who I was screwing and how I met him) insisted that he was gay because she knew for a fact that he didn't have a girlfriend nor expressed any interest in talking to girls. I wanted to hear it from him that he was gay - and more than I wanted to sleep with him. So, I asked him and... he laughed for a good twenty minutes and only stopped long enough to tell me that no, he wasn't gay - but everyone believed that he was. He told me that he was curious about bisexuality, thought I was cute and... would I be offended if he said that he wanted to suck my cock (his sister had told him that I had a big one)? No, I wasn't offended and having sex with him was good, but I couldn't believe that I was wrong about him being gay - and it was a huge lesson in not believing what you see or even hear. He behaved not unlike the guy who, many years later, would be my boyfriend and lover and he, too, was very effeminate in his speech and other mannerisms. Besides, "gaydar" was a better notion or concept than me thinking that I had a sign on me that only horny men could see that said if they wanted to have a good time, just ask me or show me your cock...
I have had several men put out gay vibes in my interactions with them. Unfortunately most of the time it’s when my wife is with me and it’s not something I could play into.
We're always sending out "vibes", or "psychic energies", or something. We're like transceivers broadcasting sexual radio signals at specific frequencies. When we get near someone "transmitting" on the same frequency, we take notice. Quite often get a good match. That's how I view it.
Not me; I'm pretty obtuse, bordering on oblivious. If someone hits on me, male or female, It doesn't register until days later. I'll be laying in bed, remembering an interaction that I didn't fully understand, and it'll slowly dawn on me what they were doing. It would be so much easier if people could explicitly ask for what they want.
Indeed it would, but don't hold your breath. My advice to everyone in this position... Try to "be here, now." Make that your mantra and practice, practice, practice. Always strive to pay attention, grasshopper.
Some guys are bold enough to explicitly tell you what they want from you and now it becomes a matter of how he asks more than what he's asking for. I don't know how many times I've told a guy, "What, you can't ask me any better than that?" If he can't, all the gaydar in the world isn't going to help him get into my underwear. I suck at catching hints and why I totally missed every sign and hint my former boyfriend had been giving me.
I needed a place to stay, while doing a seasonal job...and ended up renting a room in this guys house. He was divorced and had 3 sons coming and going all the time. They were all straight, I think...but I always wondered about him and his buddy. His buddy was married to a religious fanatic, so he spent lots of his free time there, too. I've gone out dining and drinking with both of them, and neither one EVER gave any indication other than being 110% hetero. But...to this day, I'd bet the ranch that they were lovers. I never saw ANY indication of any hanky-panky going on, but I certainly would've joined in for a 3some with them. I never did find out, but....
I'm finding it difficult to say anything about my gaydar in the straight world. I've never gotten that vibe from any guy, so I've never hit on any guy. Almost all of my sex with men (and there have been hundreds--mostly oral only) have been either anonymously in different gay sex venues like bathhouses, or through hook up sites and apps in each other's homes. And no guy has ever hit on me in the straight world, so either I don't give off a vibe to other men that I love sex with men, or I'm no guy's type. There have only been exceptions lately among the large gay men's social group that I'm part of. But I've also been thinking a lot about my massive failure with women all my life from pre-puberty onwards. I've asked out countless girls and women, with most rejecting me on the spot, and about 30 going out with me once or twice through speed dating or singles cocktail outings and then rejecting me, without so much as a kiss good night from any of them except one, though I tried. And everyone I know has always said that I'm a good looking, very nice, and smart guy that is great husband material--but still nothing but rejection. The only exception is two women that I did have a long-term relationship with for 3 years each, one on and off 1989-1992 (when I was 30ish), the other on and off 2016-2019 (when I was 50ish); both relationships were super turbulent with them breaking up with me multiple times (they were the only two women besides a prostitute once that I have had sex with--even made out with). So the thing I've been thinking about with all this history with women is that maybe I'm giving off a gay vibe to them that they pick up on at a subconscious level that then drives them to reject me. So is their gaydar going off, some even before I was aware that I was even bisexual, let alone mostly gay? Is that possible? I have no other explanation for all the rejection, except just my bad karma.
It's definitely possible. Like everything having to do with humans, it doesn't always work the way it "should." The only questions I see in your post are about gaydar. Do you have any others? Perhaps about removing some of the ambiguity or confusion about your "outgoing transmission"?
And... As in any case when a person gets multiple repeats of the same thing but from a bunch of different pepple, then the only common factor is the peson experiencing those things. That means it's time for an unflinching gaze into the mirror.
@RisingBi, with some guys, if it wasn't for bad luck with da ladies, they wouldn't have any luck at all. And, yes, I got to have sex with more of these guys than I can really remember and usually because they assumed that since girls/women were kicking them to the curb left and right, that means that (a) there's something wrong with them or (b) gasp - they're really gay and the ladies can pick up on that! With some of them, yeah - they discovered that they were really more gay than straight and having sex with me confirmed that they were more comfortable having sex with a guy than having to go through all that crap with women and... if that's what works, that's what works. Some guys believed themselves to be gay, gave living a gay lifestyle a try and... nope, not all that gay or they found the basis of me saying that if you think women are funny about having sex, guys are even funnier and that kind of put them in "sexual limbo" and not knowing "which way to turn" - and keep in mind that this was at a time when people thought that someone who went both ways was out of their minds and horribly confused. The bottom line is that if you feel comfortable being gay and living that lifestyle, then why fret about past failures with women? Unless, of course, you're not 100% sure that you're totally and completely done with them...
Lots of wisdom there @KDaddy23, as usual. I do agree with you that my fretting about my failure with women and what's wrong with me could be about something still being there with them, especially because I do find them attractive. But at the same time I have last night, where I went to a gay nudist men's potluck party, with a few guys I already knew for quite some time, and a whole bunch of new guys. It was just naturism, and so no sex. But I have to tell you, I felt so utterly comfortable to be among these guys, feeling of course attraction to them, for some a lot of attraction, but at the same time completely comfortable and at peace, like they were definitely my peeps. I felt utterly at home with them. Unfortunately I was the only single guy there, otherwise I definitely would've wanted to go home with someone.
I have a friend that always tells me stories of how he catches men looking at his crotch. He is kind of small in stature but not really feminine or anything. I have never witnessed that for myself. I have wondered if he was just BSing. I have watched men, that I have already been with, and looked to see if I could identify a "tell". So far, no. If I hadn't already been intimate with these guys there would be no telling that they were Bi.
