Gay? Bi? Straight? (which would you choose)

If you could choose your sexuality, would you choose to be gay, bi, or straight?

Personally, given how much intolerance, hatred, and bigotry is aimed at gays today, I cannot see any man choosing a lifestyle that would set him up for decades of heartache, heartbreak, discrimination, and being assaulted.

Being bi, you'd have a wife or a girlfriend, so, unless someone truly knows your sexuality, you've, at least, have at least one foot in the door, where you can at least attempt at what too many would call a "normal" lifestyle.

But then, how do your deal with your true feelings and urges?

Share them with your spouse?

Your closest male bud?

I've read so much here from bi married males who have dealt with so much hurt, from both within their families and outside of them.

I'm a 66-year old totally celibate gay male, who, if he had the chance to change his sexuality, would choose asexual, without hesitation.

Life would be far less painful (and a hell of a lot more easier) NOT having attractions towards EITHER sex.

Too many people today are simply not to be trusted fully, if at all.

That being said, straight men have no idea how fortunate they are; they never have to worry about being "outed", never have to face discrimination, can "play the field" looking for a partner/partners, without the ever-present fear of being possibly beaten to a pulp, or even being killed.

No threat of discrimination at the workplace; no threat of being disowned by family and friends.

Your thoughts?

 

I can't relate but I hold this (following) opinion strongly....

It matters not what anyone is; I don't pigeon-hole them.
I think to pigeon-hole someone is to create a barrier, a difference, and it can stifle understanding because as soon as some people would categorize you, they stop trying to understand you.
I've realized such people can be very (and incorrectly) judgmental too. consider such people to be very judgemental too.

And the categories are junk anyway. They take no account of there being no connection between gay/bi/straight, and who we may play with.

a. Guys play with women just for sex - no cerebral connection - like 'fuck and go'.
b. Some guys play with other guys, just for sex, or mutual wanking etc. when, for example, their wife is unable or unwilling to have sex. No cerebral connection.

Neither 'a' nor 'b' makes them fit the categories of straight gay or bi.

IMO; once there is a cerebral connection - like when we fancy someone and enjoy being with them, the person, and also do sex together, that moves into the straight or bi territory and if a girl or guy has such relationship with both genders, they may be Bi.

But it really isn't a 'thing' that bothers me or concerns me.

And anyway; who am I, to judge someone?!

 

Bazz888:

Well said, my friend.......more straight people should have as much common sense, compassion, and intelligence as you do.

After being bashed by a co-worker/friend of mine back in 1986 (I was bashed simply because I admitted I was gay, and I most certainly had no sexual feelings for him, nor any desire to have sex with him)

That horrific, nightmare of an incident scarred me even deeper emotionally than I was physically; even though I had sessions with several therapists over the years, I still am totally unable to trust,let alone attempt to find a life-partner.

My general philosophy has always been"live and let live",as well as "treat others as I wish to be treated.

Simplistic, perhaps, but, that Is how I have felt......and believed.

As far as I'm concerned, there are only two kinds of people in the world: good and bad.

What a great world this would be, if we could only put to rest bigotry, intolerance, and ignorance..............

 

I don't think people make a choice. Sexual desire for a gender is in you whether it be male, female, both, or somewhere in between. Did GrayGuy decide one day he was gay? Or did he just realize he was attracted to men? I'm straight and I love the female form. I love having sex with women. I didn't choose to have sex with women. There was no decision to be made. At a certain point in my life I saw a female and wanted to have sex with her. it just happened and I've been that way ever since. Having said that I also find some men attractive. Again no choosing in this either. It gets my attention if I see a man that looks nice to me. I've never had sex with a male but I might if presented with a positive situation.

Now I see in the content of the first post a societal issue with the question. There are a lot of people who have a problem accepting those who do not conform to their liking. That's where the choice lies. The choice is in the acceptance of other people who are not like yourself. If this was not an issue with people then I suspect the majority of people would go with what they would be comfortable with. There would be more openness about sexuality and orientation towards any gender. But people aren't that way so in turn you have intolerance, hatred, and bigotry which is aimed at not only gays, but at anyone who isn't like them. That's the choice people make. Not whether they could be Straight, Bi, or Gay.

 

IMHO, I truly believe that far too many impressionable young people have been, quite frankly, "brainwashed" by straight society, and most especially if the young person (who might be gay or bi, at least in their fantasies) comes from a religious upbringing, where homosexuality is condemned to hellfire for eternity.

Why have so many young gay people committed suicide, in recent decades?

Ever wonder why do so many young gay people choose to "live a lie" for their entire lives, simply to conform to the standards, beliefs, and morals of heterosexual society?

SEX is SEX, period..........as long as your fantasies and desires all involve consenting adults, the gender of the person you are fantasizing about is not important.

Labeling of ANY kind (sexuality-wise, race, religion, or creed) is not only distasteful, it is also ignorant and cruel.

Look at how many gay men in NYC have been drugged, robbed, and assaulted, over the past several years (sadly, there have been some fatalities)

If ignorance is indeed bliss, then we, truly, live in the most blissful society of all................

 

I'm gay and I'd choose to remain gay to spite the homophobes. Not to mention the fact it's way easier to get laid with a guy than a girl.

 

I was bisexual when I was younger, knew from my early teens that I liked both girls and boys and I was quite happy with the fact, although I didn't tell anyone. For a very brief period in my early twenties, while i was in a serious relationship with a girl, I thought I might actually be straight and my attraction to men had just been a phase, though thankfully this didn't last long.

For the last ten years or so though I've been gay, not sure exactly when it happened but I realised I only wanted sex with men. To be honest it was quite liberating and exciting knowing that I was a homosexual. I much prefer it to being bisexual.

If I could change anything I wish I had been gay all along, it just seems more natural to me, maybe if my first serious relationship had been with a man that would have been the case. I regret all the time I wasted, all the men I could have been with when I was younger, although I've done my best to make up for it in the last few years.

So given the choice, despite everything I would pick gay without hesitation.

 

Thank you. I wasn't expecting such a response.

I think this is a really *good* thread and I also think, the majority of words related to (what I believe would be), the actual solution are contained in and scattered throughout each of the above posts.

Those were two 'mindsets' that I was brought up with. Tolerance and moderation too. I don't think it's simplistic but I understand why some would consider it naiive.

I think the solution, at least fundamentally, is simple but it will require a new subject matter to be taught in schools.
I believe schools should be as much about teaching children about life and how to live alongside people of different views and different ways of life, as much as how to learn subject matter that might get them a better job.

And there's the irony; the difficulty too. It's the least educated (as distinct from least intelligent), who are already being failed by the education systems in their country.
So, how can the introduction of a new subject reach them. Surely it must do.

That subject would be psychology.

Teach children how to deal with difference. Teach them to know that being different is a feature of society, a virtue, and not a weakness or failing.
Teach them how to think for themselves. You never know, we may reach the stage where (like with other subject matters) it's the children then re-educating their parents (wherever their parents' education came from).
Teach them to understand we are all different but, not just that;
What one person may consider is right for them, may not be right for someone else and it's for neither to judge the other.
It's a personal thing and not necessarily a choice, as has been described by Straghma1e.

I'm not so sure it's binary.
Indeed, I think it is only made binary by those either pushing extremism, those peddling BS (which includes many religion fundamentalists) and pushing their own so-called religion/beliefs down the throats of others.
There's also those who are pushed into a 'mental bunker' out of fear or intimidation by those pushing an extreme agenda.
Perhaps angst can cause that too, where the person hasn't, themselves, experienced abuse or 'criticism' but who knows people who have been abused and so they keep their heads down.

There are many good people and many bad, There's some who are just OK and there's those who know right from wrong, who see wrong but stand by and don't call it out.
All the issues; homophobia, misogyny, to mention just two.

Yep, I agree.
Fear of the unknown and fear of the not understood ( or mis-understood ) can leave people unable to process stuff and so they react poorly/wrongly.
In my part of the UK, well, my experience of my part of the UK, I think such fears and intolerance come from lack of education and local (usually familial) peer pressure.
Too many parents express their views based on ignorance (if that's even a thing, I mean, how can you base something on a nothing?!). Well, it's based on whatever filled that void of ignorance, because education wasn't there to do it.

Sometimes subliminally or by 'osmosis', children pick up opinions and over time, it can become almost hard-wired into their mindset.

And those are many of the fundamentals that I described as being scattered throughout this thread.

 

Whatever floats your boat Matty, it's your call.

However, I'm intrigued. You mentioned you spent time with a girl(s) and then you were Bi and now you consider yourself gay.
I wonder if there should be scale (hereinafter referred to as a 'thing') like a car temperature guage, instead of such terms as straight bi or gay. (who thought those up anyway?!)

So with F at one end and M at the other and the needle sitting in the middle by default; I wonder if your needle moved left as you grew up, and has moved towards the right since then such that someday it may move towards the left again.
Who knows? And does it really matter?
I reckon for some guys it's moved towards the right, then towards the left and back again. Maybe, for some, your 'thing' is more like a clock pendulum?
It doesn't matter (to anyone else) what way your 'thing' swings.

I suppose I should add that I'm pleased you've discovered what makes you happy and that you are happy.
Many people never find that peace of mind on any issue whether related to their sexuality or something else.

 

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, the car analogy is a good one, I can't honestly see me ever going back to being bisexual again though. I think deep down I was always gay, but just didn't realise it. Don't get me wrong, when I had relationships with women they were genuine, not just something to hide my homosexuality and I enjoyed the physical aspect of them, just nowhere near as much as I now do with men. I just find sex with men so much more exciting and natural. And yes, I know there are a lot of people out there who would react badly to someone calling gay sex natural, but it feels like that to me.

I will admit there were times when I was with a woman that I used to think about men, but the opposite has never happened.

The thing is though I much prefer women as people, my best friend is a woman, and I could easily have an emotional relationship with one, but I'm just not sexually attracted anymore. I have had a couple of boyfriends in the last few years, but most of my gay relationships have just been about the sex. It's probably quite telling that I've never had a one night stand or casual sex with a woman, but have had lots with men.

I think the needle on my temperature gauge is going to be stuck on m for the foreseeable future

 

There is. It's called the Kinsey Scale. While Kinsey and his staff never came up with a test they did establish a scale, a number system, to determine ones position. The position was determined with interviews and the subjects sexual history placed them on the scale. The levels are set as below:
0 | Exclusively heterosexual
1 | Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2 | Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 | Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 | Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 | Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6 | Exclusively homosexual
X | No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

There are tests from other sources available which asks questions and places you in the scale depending on your answers. These seem to be pretty accurate. I've taken a few and they put me at level 1, incidentally homosexual, even though I have never has same sex relations. Search for Kinsey Scale Test and take a few of the test offerings. Don't do just one but take several. that way you get a broader look at your sexuality level. Oh, notice the words gay, bi, or straight are not used in the scale. BTW the Kinsey scale isn't the only one. There are more than 200 scales to measure and describe sexual orientation.

 

Friends:

Greatly appreciate your taking the time to post your views and opinions on this topic; so many different angles, so many different thoughts, so many beliefs.....much complexity here, especially regarding tolerance and acceptance.

I have always believed that parents are the greatest teachers of all; but how can a young adult (bi/gay) learn from parents who are bigoted themselves?

We have all seen how much heated (and vehement) debate and controversy can get in the schools, regarding LBGTQ subject matter, especially the past several years.

As we all are so very painfully aware of religious fanatics (especially those in the Bible Belt) who are more disciples of Satan than "holy men" (Fred Phelps' extremely vicious homophobic church wasted no time in recruiting young children to take part in his "Hatred Crusade"; Jerry Falwell was also another religious "honcho" who, indeed, had no love for the gay community)

I've heard that Franklin Graham is even more anti-gay than his late father, Billy Graham.

Yes, schools should, without a doubt, teach tolerance and acceptance; however, I feel that such learnings should be, firstly, taught at home.

Consider, also, the many places in the world where homosexuals face life in prison....or even death.....simply because of their orientation.

And we dare to say we live in a CIVILIZED world?

I think not.

Strange, also, how our armed forces were far less than gay tolerant, but more than tolerated men "on leave" visiting houses of ill repute, for sexual laisons with women (I guess there was nothing shameful of getting an STD while serving the country, as long as it was caught from a female)

So much hypocriscy.....so many double-standards.......far too much hatred and bigotry..........

 

"Choices".........

It never ceases to amaze (and anger) me when I hear of religious fanatics and other, highly-ignorant, asinine bigots who insist that gays CHOOSE their sexuality.

Think about it.......WHAT man in his RIGHT mind would deliberately CHOOSE a lifestyle which is loathed and despised by a good portion of straight society, throughout the world.......a lifestyle that would, without a doubt, set him up for a lifetime of discrimination, heartache, heartache, and heartbreak?

Trust me, I most certainly DID NOT choose to be gay.

The unbridled ignorance of narrow-minded bigots never ceases to amaze me..................

 

........can you imagine ANY sane many CHOOSING, of his own free will, to be GAY, if he could?

For ANYONE ignorant enough and stupid enough to think a man simply CHOOSES to be gay (when he could just as easily have chosen to be straight) all i can say is this person is both highly delusional and most certainly screwed up big time.

Bigots come in all colors, and from all walks of life.

Just because a man SEEMS to be a decent, friendly, trustworthy individual does NOT mean that he is NOT a bigot.......too many times, bigots will be wearing the proverbial "sheep's clothing", and will turn out to be a slimy, venomous viper, simply waiting to attack the unsuspecting.

These days, a gay/bi male has to be EXTREMELY cautious and prudent about sharing his sexuality with another male, even if you THINK he is your friend...........if he THINKS you are STRAIGHT, and then discovers you are NOT, all hell can break loose, if, indeed he is an "undercover bigot".........

 

.........another totally asinine (and highly insulting) "myth", one in which far too many narrow-minded heterosexual bigots steadfastly believe is that a gay male relative, aquaintence, teacher, etc.) is going to "turn their kid gay", simply by association.

What garbage!

NO ONE can suddenly change a child's (or an adult's) sexuality using "influence".

Can a gay man suddenly say, "Hey! You know, I think I'm going to be straight from now on....no more men for me!"

Of course not!

Sad, that so many bigots think that anyone can choose their sexuality the way they can choose a newspaper at the newsstand..........ignorance, my friends, is indeed bliss, and, during these dark and daunting times, it is clear that we are now living in a truly blissfull society..........

 

I realize you're preference is to have gay sex with other guys, but what was it that actually made you decide you're actually gay and no longer find women to be sexually attractive?

 

I think if given a "choice" most bisexual guys would prefer to be either straight or gay. Being bisexual ISN'T all that it's cracked up to be sometimes.
Unfortunately, we don't get to "choose" our sexual orientation. It is what it is, and we are who we are.

 

I feel a lot of females frown upon the bi thing, so at times it's hard to be both.

 

As a bisexual guy, I do sometimes think it would be easier to be either straight or gay, but that's NOT who I am. I always have, and always will be a bisexual guy.

 

A great topic. I’m a married man and in my late 30s is when I had my first SS encounter. Long story but I feel it was out of desperation. A time when my wife wasn’t wanting to have sex. Having affairs with woman was misleading them just to get some pussy.
Escorts were expensive.
Bottom line men were easy like fish in a barrel.
Well I found my self liking sex with guys and found a different side of me.
I’ve never wanted to cuddle with a guy just have sex and get off.
Well I opened Pandora’s box and generally wish I hadn’t ever did that. I’m my 50s now and I’m more confused about my sexuality then ever and the problems and hurt it’s caused, just so I could get off!!!
Yes I found some really great pleasure but had I not known it would have made my life easier.