Gay/Bi men and depression

As many of you already know, I am a 65-year old gay man, who has been totally celibate throughout his life.

Being bashed once back in 1986, through no fault of mine (by a guy I THOUGHT was my friend, yet) indeed helped to "set the stage" for being thoroughly terrified of trying to find a life partner. to be by my side throughout my life.

I have suffered from too many breakdowns to count; once, over 20 years ago, I could not work for several months.

Therapists, while providing me with another male who would listen, sadly, couldn't break down the barrier of self-protection (born out of fear of rejection, bashing, and disease) that surrounds me to this day.

Have I ever thought of suicide?

I would be a liar if I said "no".

The only thing that kept me from ending my life (as well as the intense pain of loneliness) was that I could not, COULD NOT do that to my mother, the ONLY person in this world I could TRULY trust 100%.

I was her sole caregiver for many years (she had been housebound for at least 10 years), and she also knew the pain of losing both of my older brothers (due to natural causes)

How could have I added to her pain?

Oddly, some people have asked me if I could change from gay to straight, would I?

I honestly answered "no".

I replied I'd rather be asexual, and have NO sexual interest in EITHER gender.

Life would have been a LOT less painful.

Depression, I have learned, is like an insidious disease; just when you think you are doing fine, it rears back like an angry cobra, ready to strike at your very core.

Depression can be, and is, CRIPPLING.

I have long since admitted to myself that I cannot trust ANY male; I might LIKE them, but that is as far as it goes.

Even if I DID associate with other males (regardless of orientation) I know that, as these men had any of a number of male friends (and, perhaps, families) I would be the one who would be the most expendable to them, in even the most platonic relationship.

Life had told me too many times, and in too many ways, that, as a gay man, I am expendable in today's largely straight society.

If I could survive the sad, heartbreaking loss of my mother, then, certainly ANY male I was friends with would, just as easily, get on with life, with me gone.

People have often asked me why I have so much faith in others; why I am always finding the best in people, and yet, being so hard on myself.

I cannot answer that, in all honesty.

As a celibate gay man, in the grand scheme of things, I know that I am only the most minute of spokes on a massive wheel, a spoke that would not be missed if it suddenly vanished.

I have great and tremendous respect for ANY gay or bi male who actually LIVES his life, instead of merely existing, as I do.

To all gay and bi males on this awesome forum: If you are lucky enough to enjoy ANY sort of male companionship, especially if the relationship is an emotional one, NEVER take it for granted.

You are more blessed and more fortunate than you know.

As you readers can easily decipher, this is one of those VERY difficult, lonely, empty nights for me.

I thank you all for taking the time for reading these words........

 

May peace be with you.

 

Thank you, my friend, and may peace be with you as well........

 

I TOTALLY agree my good friend; forums such as this indeed DO allow us to "be ourselves", and to be honest, open, and, yes, even candid.

Here, there is no threat of bashing or any sort of physical harm, a great deal different than the "real world".

Despite the progress made regarding gay rights over the past few decades, I feel there is still a long, long way to go.

Even the smallest of "victories" are indeed major feats, in our "realm", as it were.........

 

I agree 100%, my friend....and it's not only sad, it's terrifying.

NOTHING regarding the rights of the LGBTQ community is set in stone; it could easily vanish with just the stroke of a pen.

There's an old saying that goes: "misery loves company".

I do not care to think of just how depression (and worse) would result if such rights were to disappear......

 

Depression, for a gay/bi man who is fortunate enough to have a partner/buddy, etc. is still an vicious foe to encounter.

But, when a gay man, like myself, who is without a partner (or even a nearby close friend) is battling depression, it is an entirely different scenario altogether.

Thankfully, i have many interests and hobbies that keep me in good spirits, and which keep me busy; however, when I least expect it, something I see or hear (or remember) can trigger a feeling of deep sadness and melancholy.

Not having anyone to "talk me through" rough patches such as this, I must take a deep breath, say to myself, "Well, you HAVE to go on, regardless that there is no one here for you" and simply keep up the fight as best I can.

"Depression" is NOT a state of mind; it is a destructive, powerful force that can TOTALLY consume and destroy you, if you do not at least make an attempt to fight back.

Believe me, I have MANY years of experience in fighting in such battles, "the lone, unarmed soldier" on war-ravaged battlefield, with no victory in sight......

 

IMHO, I do not think that depression would be as harsh and as destructive on gay/bi men if it were not from the subtle (and not so subtle) "reminders" from "the other side of the tracks" (i.e. the heterosexual side) just how much gay/bi men simply do not exist.

Think aboutr it.

How does a gay man, in particular, feel, when he sees tv commercials, shows, advertisements, etc.,that only depict STRAIGHT couples??

In the "media world" (outside of, perhaps, shows/commercials that might be shown on a gay network) it is still a world where GAY is NOT OK, not the norm.

Ever think of how a young gay teen feels when he sees that young people like himself do not fit into the "media reality", and, IF, by chance, a gay character IS depicted, rest assured that, 99% of the time, he will be depicted in the same old demeaning stereotype.

IMHO, I truly believe that gays are the ONLY "minority" on television (and in films) that can be depicted in a stereotypical manner........this is something I am VERY much sensitive about; so much of what I see truly saddens and angers me.

Stereotypes are not only DEMEANING....they also HURT.

Apologize for rambling on, but I feel that this is an important issue that needs to be addressed......

 

Friends.....

The past several days have been EXTREMELY rough ones for me, depression-wise; last night was, by far, the most difficult and the most challenging.

It was NOT a good night, by any means.

It is VERY difficult for me to truly convey just what a celibate, "solo" gay man like myself endures EVERY day and EVERY night of his life.

Do I question WHY I was born gay instead of straight?

Yes.

Do I wonder WHY most men are born STRAIGHT, while others, like us (gay and bi) are born "on the other side of the fence"?

Yes.

Being gay in a largely straight world requires fighting a battle EVERY DAY of your life; even when you are not aware, for the moment, of the fact that your sexuality is different than most men, that battle is STILL being fought silently, within your soul.

I ask you to forgive me if I've said this before, BUT, if you are a gay or bi man who has a male partner/lover/best friend, you are, in all honesty, a VERY rich man, indeed.

Again, I thank you for taking the time to read these words........

 

I turn 60 tomorrow. My wife knows I am bi, yet she doesn't even really want to confront the subject head on. Tries to avoid it or just say "you know how I feel.."(in other words I am supposed to behave straight, and not act out, based on her feelings about (not liking) my being bisexual...excellent guilt tool there...

Next, my sister, who is gay, who I sat in car with decades ago for what seemed like an hour while she worked up the courage to tell me she's gay, that sister, doesn't want to talk to me about my wanting a boyfriend, no "gay or bi" support there...

And my "best friend" was also my best man, but She transitioned a couple years ago and things arent the same. If we talk, all she wants to do is brag about her new sex life and drug parties and escapades...not a good listening friend...


So yeah, I'd say Bisexual men can have depression issues. It's tough being invisible, and even when we do want to "uncloak" our own friends and family dont want to hear it....

 

Icanlikeboth:

Allow me to wish you a VERY happy and healthy 60th tomorrow!

The big "six-oh" was five years ago for this old gray bachelor!

BEST to you always, my friend!

 

thepapasmurph:

Again, your honesty, character, and strength shine through; reading your words, I am sure, are indeed an inspiration to other men in the "same boat" as us.

I felt deep sadness to read that you once thought of suicide; I can certainly relate to that, my friend..........trust me, the world is a FAR better place with you here with us!

I used to have too many suicidal thoughts, quite awhile back; those disturbing thoughts have since been replaced by thoughts of saving someone's life, when it is my time to "cash in my chips", so to speak.

It would be a noble thing, to be sure, to give your life so someone else might live....and live just long enough to know that your valiant effort was not in vain.

thepapasmurph, you, indeed, have become an integral and respected part of this board; I am sure you have made a number of friends here as well........I certainly am honored to consider you a VERY good friend, one that I both respect and like a great deal.

Indeed, life for us gay and bisexual men is anything BUT easy.........truly, it is a CHALLENGE that, in no uncertain terms, must be met HEAD-ON, every day we we draw a breath........

 

Recall the classic line delivered to the "Cowardly Lion" by the Wizard of Oz (in the classic and timeless 1939 film), as he bestowed "The Legion Of Courage" medal to him:

"You, my friend, are under the delusion that, simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You are confusing COURAGE with WISDOM."

Well said, oh Great and Powerful Oz!

 

I have found my group. Right here. Thanks, guys.

 

You are MOST welcome, my friend....we are ALWAYS ready to "lend an ear", so to speak.....

 

"Strength in numbers"........maybe that best defines our board........

 

Even though any fellow here who reads my postings already knows of my "lifetime occupation" as a celibate gay man of 65 years, it IS most reassuring to know that this forum is here, where, at the very least, I can open up about myself honestly, share my views and opinions, and not feel so QUITE alone.

And, for that, I am truly grateful...........