I have a real close friend that works in highly gay populated department at his work. He is really a good fella, but I think he is homophobic because he makes comments about his phobia of being "hit on". He has yet to be hit on apparently, so I don't understand the fear. TO ALL GAY MALES: How often do you find heterosexual males attractive enough to approach them (even if you know they aren't gay)? I would say pretty low average, but I placed a poll up just because I want some evidence. Your opinion is appreciated.
I'd try to make a friendship first. If I think there is a chance that he is gay, then I might hit on him.
OK: If I know the guy isn't gay I very rarely approach him (in the sense that you mean) beyond social affection, but if I'm attracted to him I won't attempt to hide it and if he asks I will tell him. If I don't know if the guy is gay or not, I will happily approach him. As far as I'm concerned, it's as much his job to indentify his sexuality to me as it is mine. Most guys, even straight guys, are perfectly okay with being told they're attractive and flirted with by anyone, and you can tell pretty quickly if they won't be; so as long as you know to back down, there's no reason to be afraid. The point I'm trying to make I guess is that I got sick of feeling that I could only choose from guys who were obviously gay as a subject for my affections. Most people - the ones worth knowing, anyway - don't immediately identify their sexuality to you as soon as you meet them. Moreover, if someone does identify himself as gay, we assume he's straight by default, even though we don't really have much evidence either way. I'm not going to flatter myself by claiming to have an infallable gaydar or anything. No matter how good any of us think we are at picking up signals, we probably don't recognise a good half of the gay guys we meet as such. I guess I just think that feeling able to express attraction towards a guy, regardless of whether that affection will necessarily be returned, is quite important to me. It's something that's take so much for granted by hetero guys that I doubt they're even aware that it exists, let alone how much a lot of gay guys agonise about it. And we shouldn't be agonising about it, really. A lot of people still see gays as the club scene would present them, as incapable of self control, self-restraint and moderation. Those who don't subscribe to that scene often end up acting like terrified puritans just to define their opposition to it. In a perfect world, we'd probably all want to be somewhere in between. I feel we need to reach a middle ground if anything is going to be achieved. Straight guys shouldn't feel threatened by us just because we're attracted to them, and we shouldn't feel like we're threatening them either. In conclusion: I've been with a load of guys who don't wear their sexuality on their sleeve, and it's totally worth any perceived risk involved. I've never had anything worse than a firm "no" from uninterested guys.
In Love and War... as we all know, everything is allowed. And all the guys out there are a fair game, as far as I am concerned. Yet, it takes 2 to tango and, if a dude is not into other dudes or into myself, I see no problem there. I move on quickly. I have got things to do and ways to go... Basically, I'd be far more frequently going after a gay guy than after someone whom I perceive to be a hetero or a bi-dude. I hate wasting my time and besides, there are many very qualified gay dudes around. So, why waste time, money and energy? Bottomline: I favor a most pragmatic approach. Nothing is written in stone anyway. Save for one thing: Never look desperate for anyone's favor, str8, gay or bi or whatever. KD
The only time I have ever seen a gay man hit on a homophobic straight man, it was only to fuck with his head and make him uncomfortable. Your friend might be having some feelings that are confusing the hell out of him right now. I'd probably start making comments like, "so-and-so's kinda cute, though, are you sure you don't want him asking you out?" Or ask him what would be so terrible if a man were to hit on him. Shake up his little narrow world view a bit, maybe that's all he needs to broaden his horizons, and let him know you are okay with it either way.
By contrast, I've seen gay guys flirt with and tease guys who were clearly really uncomfortable with it and getting wound up by it like they had some kind of deathwish. OK, so it'd be nice if everyone was comfortable enough with their sexuality not to be worried. It'd be nice if people weren't afraid of spiders either, but nothing's going to be solved by ramming spiders down their throats.
When it comes to nongay guys, it just isn't going to happen. Why bother going to the time and trouble?
I agree whole-heartedly with SD here. Rejection at best is what one might expect. If you are approaching someone who is homophobic, you might end up with something much worse. And again, why approach someone wherein the lack of attraction is upfront? Unless you're into the rejection game
I guess it's just because I don't have much of a gaydar, and I get fed up of flirting with people I don't really find that attractive just because it's obvious that they're gay. If I knew a guy was 100% straight I wouldn't bother, but I won't pretend I can tell most of the time. I just think it's worth the risk, personally, it's not like it's much trouble, and it's not like I would be doing anything useful with the time I'm wasting either.
I try to feel a guy out. If I find him attractive and there is the "hint" that he may be family, I might make a move. However, too many guys a confused about their sexuality, or profess to be hetro and really aren't Give me someone who is comfortable in their own skin. I prefer an openly gay or bi man anytime.
If I see an attractive str8 man... well I the kind that has to say something if they are attractive. I usually take the polite route and say " Excuse me Sir I don't mean to offend you in any way, but I have to say you are a very attractive man" I usually get a smile and a thank you.
As a bisexual guy myself, I would never approach/hit on another guy unless I knew he was definitely bisexual or gay. Even then, he'd really have to get my attention and make my cock twitch to even consider it. I have no issues with flirting with women, but with men, I honestly think I'd rather be the one approached, that way, there'd be no doubt the other guy was either bisexual or gay.
