Further on

OK kind folks, maybe not my best, but certainly not my worst (those you will never see!) but needed outta me....please feel free to critize constuctively, I'm sure this can use it.

Further On

With a poet's heart and cynics mind I write you,
traversed across the miles to where you're found.
Fire white light, the balm that held and soothed me,
let me know I am indeed around.

Wandering on just seems to be my fortune,
thats why they also call me Furtherground.
So with these thoughts and hopes packed in my knapsack,
I'll travel just a little further on.

 

Ever seen the movie ' the Wanderers ' ( uncut original ) 1 of my favourite movies that I saw when it was 1st released

Not EXACTLY to the point, but as for the meaning, I like + can relate

 

there is much to admired in this poem. i especially like the second stanza

 

Well, the third line should be rewritten, it loses the rhythm of the rest of the poem and is awkward anyways. And, I'm not really sure what you're saying in the first stanza. You say something about "where you're found" but who? And then you jump to something about white light soothing you and somehow letting you know you're around. How? Its cool to be ambiguous, but not wholely so...

I do like the rhythm though, it works well, as well as the rhyming, which you don't see enough of these days. I can identify with the subject too, I feel like I'm wandering myself. Anyways, this poem need some work but has potential, good work.

 

Thanks all and thanks BMT. I get too close to my writing to be as objective as I need to be.

 

A nice little poem...doesn't say a lot, maybe, but what it does say it says nicely. Good work, Kim.

 

hey my names kim too

 

ahhhh....but I bet you are a Kimberly...
Love and Light sweet little Kimmy~*~**~*~***

 

as many have said
this is wonderful .i love how you let us
taste your need to seek.....

what more do we need,
yet to just be ..
to be open to more than what is here
and now. to learn ..even to step on new soil,
or seas.

loven peace ffrom saff

 

(((((((( saff~!))))))))
your responses to everyone always amaze me.

I guess the first stanza is very vague...It's about validation of me as a person from a beautiful soul very far from here, sharing written words across the miles through the wonders of the internet. Gave me great laughs at life and renewed my strength to carry on alone.

 

Excellent vibe here! I really love that technique of the quirky rhyme between the line break... within this pieces simplicity it's particularly effective, imo.

As far as constructive criticism, I think you could cut down some of the lines a bit, and also put in a few little details... I think it'd add a bit more punch

 

Alone? Never alone is anyone or being But being able to express ones self over the net occasionally does help, even me