Friend a little too free with her goods...

Okay, I am posting this here, hoping it doesn't get moved, because I figure I will get more mature responses in the women's issues forum than in love and sex, but one of my good friends that I graduated with has recently lost her virginity and in the process lost all her morals completely. She's telling me she's afraid of becoming a "slut," but she constantly is telling random guys that come into her work that she wants to screw them, that she's a nymphomaniac... She's going after guys anywhere from a year younger than us up to 45 or so. Now that wouldn't phase me at all if it weren't for the fact that she has only been like that since she started hanging out with this violent asshole (he's threatened to murder my boyfriend and me before). She's completely changed from the innocent kid I used to know. We're still friends, and she's still the same sweet girl, but she has absolutely no morals about her sexuality anymore. I don't care that she's free with her sexuality, but she's being so stupid about it. No protection, so far just two guys, but she's going to end up with a disease or pregnant.

How on earth do I get through to her how dangerous her lifestyle has become? I've tried telling her to be careful a million times, but it's like talking to a brick wall. Do you think it would be offensive to suggest accompanying her to Planned Parenthood some time next week? I should go myself to see what kinds of options someone who's allergic to everything can use for birth control, so it definitely wouldn't be a wasted trip. I don't know what to do...I'm just so worried. It's weird once you get out of high school and realize your influence on your friends isn't nearly as great as it used to be. I just don't want her to end up sick or hurt.

 

you don't.

It's her body. It's her life. What she does with those things is none of your business. Support her when she needs and asks for your help, but don't offer unsolicited advice, and most certainly don't push your beliefs about morality upon her.

 

mamaboogie's right, you can't force change on someone

but you could ask her to come down to PP with you, for your own business not for hers. Make sure she gets a pamphlet or two on safe sex, and that's about all you can really do for her, other than be there for when she does ask for help

 

The advice given above is good, solid advice.

You can't tell people what to do, because you aren't their mother (damn, that sounds harsh, I didn't mean it that way. I just mean, you can't tell people what to do, unless, of course, you want to potentially lose a friend...because she'll think you're trying to boss her around and be her mother...).

Taking her to PP is a really good idea...just tell her, "Hey, I'm going to planned parenthood and I want some support, will you come with me?"

 

She'll just have to learn the hard way.

 

I suppose you guys are right... Thanks, lol. I'm just concerned is all.

 

Are you saying she's only slept with 2 guys, or that she's had unprotected sex with 2 guys?

Either way, It seems to me like you could be overreacting because you don't like her new friend and her changing personality so much. Sleeping with guys and talking openly about sex and who she wants isn't like she is on some devastating sexual rampage that will end in her prostituting herself. I'm sure your friend is aware that STD's exist and that unprotected sex puts her at risk. It won't do you any good to lecture her about that. She's your age, moving into adulthood, going through lots of changes (like starting up a sex life), has new freedoms, and has a right to find herself and make her own choices.

I like all the suggestions given by everyone else. I also think you are a good friend to be concerned about her well being. However, don't use her new friends and seemingly new lifestyle as a scapegoat for any insecurity you have about your friendship. Concern for her safety is one thing, anger or frusteration because you don't like these changes and want the highschool girl you once knew is another.

Rediculous amounts of changes happen after highschool. Everyone has to evolve, and everyone does this diffrently. Everyone changes. It certainly takes it's toll on our adolsecent relationships, but most people come out fine

 

I'm simply just concerned because of the fact that she's had unprotected sex with two guys in the past two weeks (she just lost her virginity the 16th of May) and uses no precautions at all to avoid pregnancy or STD's. Her naivety is what scares me. When my boyfriend and I dropped our friendship with the guy that she's been hanging out with lately, we made it clear to everyone that we weren't going to interfere with anyone else's relationship with him, even though we know of his violent nature. It's none of our business and I realize all I can do is tell her to be careful and hope that she takes my advice seriously. I know there's nothing I can do to keep my innocent friend, I just don't want her to end up with HIV or pregnant and alone. But I'm not the only person concerned and I hope that this is just a phase. I don't particularly think it's immoral for her to be open with her sexuality, I just wish she was expressing herself in a safer manner. She works in a convenience store, lol, she should have condoms readily available! Maybe I'm just a big worrywart. She's always been a good kid and this doesn't change the fact she's still got a golden heart.

 

Yeah its her life, but at the same time if KR doesn't agree with her friends new lifestyle and feels uncomterble about it why would be be offering her friend unconditonal support? If one of my friends suddenly started doing something I didn't agree with and really bothered me, I wouldn't just ditch them but I would be a lot more carefull about hanging with them and supporting them!

 

Where I agree that its her body her choice, as a friend I believe you should explain to her the dangers of her choices, just remember that the ultimate choice is hers, and dont judge her.

 

My best friend in high school started doing X everyday before school, she'd be in the bathroom sweating and puking sometimes...and I was the only one there for her, holding her hair back - literally. The other "friends" she had didn't agree with what she was doing, so they totally dumped her and stopped talking to her. She eventually stopped doing it, of course, but if she continued to JUST hang around with her dealer friends she may never have gotten out of doing that sort of thing. I was the only thing in her life that was stable and (relatively) straight.

Moral of the story, if everyone abandons this girl, including KR, she might keep doing this sort of behavior, but if KR is there for support, she is more likely to stop doing it.

 

Oh, I'm not leaving her, no way no how. She's my Holly Pocket and no matter what choices she makes, I'm always going to love her and she's always going to be one of my best friends. I think she's shaping up, she's told me that she's trying to make a commitment to wait until she's in a serious relationship again before she sleeps with another guy. I think if she slips, she's at least still showing some effort. If she does get pregnant or sick, she'll still be my friend and I'll still be hers for the rest of time. Thanks for all the advice, guys, it's really appreciated.

 

Could you suggest, gently, that maybe she get some counseling. I have found that many girls who act like this have either been raped, or sexually abused. She probably won't admit to this, and I wouldn't just come out and say it, because that may well NOT be the problem. But, PP does have counselors, and she could also ask her parents (if she is still on thier insurance) for help or even the county you live in.

In my experience, when someone changes like this, they just don't stop because they say they will. Things get worse and worse, all their problems are alway someone elses, and as things get worse, they get needier and needier, and they give YOU nothing in the relationship in return. See what happens, my guess is one of two things, she will just continue, and you'll know about it, or she will just continue and lie to you about it.

As for you allergies, they make polypropolene (sp?) condoms. I am allergic to latex, also, as well as Noxynal 9, these condoms rarely, if ever cause allergic reactions.

Good luck.

 

Thanks, Maggie. Yeah, she was sexually abused as a child, I forgot completely about it until you mentioned it (horrible friend I am...heh). Her stepmom was always extremely strict when she was growing up (her curfew was 5 pm, she wasn't even allowed to talk on the phone past 5) not to mention the verbal abuse her mom subjected her to. Always calling her a slut (she never even kissed a boy until she was 17 years old), telling her she was going to end up just like her biological mom who was a teen when she had her and her younger brothers. She's about to move down South with a friend's mom and brother and the mom knows all that's been going on, so I think I'll suggest to her that she help Holly out by helping look for some counselling. Since they'll only be here 2 more weeks, it would be silly to expect her to go to counselling around here right now.

 

You're a great friend, don't doubt once that you aren't!
I kinda can see things from both points of view....when I was 14 (yeah, young, i know) I was dating this one ass who was always playing head games. I thought that if I messed around with him, that he would like me more (great mind-set, eh?), so I gave him a bj (stupidly) and he broke up with me a week later. However, I told my (supposed) best friend about it and she started saying, "how could you do this?" and ya-di-yadda, and stormed off. I told her, "look, I feel dumb, but it's also my body and you can't get mad at me for it."
She eventually got over it, but it still bugged me. A concerned ear did help when I was doing something bad or something, just because it made it feel like I still had a friend somewhere...but at the same time, it's akward for the person being confronted because they feel like a total loser...
that's just my experience...I hope that everything goes well for her.

 

Sorry that I came off as judgemental, I just have been concerned for the same reasons I keep repeating over and over, pregnancy and STDs. If she used condoms, I wouldn't worry. Come on, Jester, you seem to preach condom usage more than most I've seen on here, lol.

 

Well, I don't know what, if anything, you can do about her sexual behavior, I’m the wrong person to give advice on that, anyway.

What is most concerning your mention of a violent asshole she’s been hanging out with. Do you think he might be a danger to her? Because if he is, you need to do something about that.

 

Looking at your age, I would guess that your friend is the same age as you. She does not know what she is doing... talk to some one who can influence her like her aunt or someone a bit older, let them know what is happening.

If she hates you for it, insults you for it, don't worry about it, even if your friendship dies after this you should not worry about it, because only a true friend tries to help her out, just do what is right, don't worry about the rest.

 

He's more or less mostly posing a danger to her pocketbook, but that said, he does have violent tendencies and he has been threatening my boyfriend and me over a situation that happened months ago in which my boyfriend got back a large tax refund and he expected us to hand over the whole thing to him. He's a bum, can't keep a job, plays off people's emotions, then gets violent when things don't go his way. She's kind of naive, so...I figure things will always go his way. But she told me the other day that she doesn't hang around there anymore and she's leaving town in a week and a half, so I figure that guy will be out of the picture soon.

 

you know a lot of females never listen to their friends. they think they are doing what is best. My bestfriend waas with this asshole that completely emotionally abused her. I told her everyday to get rid of him, but she didn't. It took her years to figure out that her friends were right. But you know what? It's life, people learn from their mistakes. If she gets a STD or pregnant, then she learned a valued lesson. Now if she goes around and does it again, then start to worry. She does have her own freewill, but you can guide her if she lets you do so. you just need to realize that most of us females never listen to advice even if it's the truth.