I'd offer a cigarette, but you don't smoke. Your lungs so pure and free from choke. French inhale, blue smoke rise and fall to. The ground looks so vertical, when we lay on our side. Is it okay if we stay until the sun rises? And falls again. The dew from the grass has dampened our clothes, so I watch you undress, as smoke enters my nose. French inhale. Your bare breasts rise in the sunlight, and fall again as this perfect day turns into a perfect night. And fall again. I'll feel you warm and soft in the cold of moonlight's open heart, my forever sweet. Together we'll entangle, forever we'll entwine in the blue smoke rising from my french inhale.
Is it okay if we stay until the sun rises? And falls again. I like this part. Something probobly everybody can relate to... The feeling of wanting to stay in a moment forever.
Well, thanks. I'm glad at least someone took the time to reply. I have no idea why my work gets such bad reception, on this forum...
haha dont worry about it ... its not bad reception.. people here are just so preoccupied with getting people to comment on their work that they dont comment on other peoples work.... do you comment on other stuff??
Yeah, I do comment on other people's work, from time to time. I read quite a few of the poems on here, but I only respond when a piece really draws an emotion out of me. When I see alot of the work on here, if the first stanza or so doesn't grab my attention, I usually just discard it. I don't want that to sound rude, and I'm betting I may be missing out on some good pieces by doing so, but it's just how I feel. If I feel compelled to leave the thread, I do. If I feel compelled to respond, I do. Maybe nobody just feels compelled to respond to my work. Which would suck, but that's okay. I've posted this, and some other pieces on other forums, and they usually get a fairly good reception. It sometimes leads me to believe that people are just too snooty on this poetry forum. I dunno, though.
I like this, but I lost interest near the end. "French inhale" is a powerful phrase, but maybe you should use it more sparingly, because by the end, it becomes the symbol of your poem, its main idea, instead of a device to put your main point across...
i mostly tend to comment on the posts that have no replies but occasionally when i'm not feeling so lazy i will post in ones that already have replies..ie..this one! good stuff james i like the smoky sensation and the thin tall layout of the piece...almost a shape of your words
Thanks Lozi!!! I'm glad you liked it!! Major Peacenik, thanks for your feedback, as well. I feel I did use the phrase "French Inhale" pretty sparingly, as it only appears three times in the poem. Once at the beginning, once in the middle, and once in the end. I feel it gives it a nice touch. Thanks for the feedback, though!!
