first DMT experience, very emotional...any insight..?

I wanted to share my DMT experience with others who have also experienced the spirit molecule and who are more experienced, as I don't have many people in my personal life that I can relate/talk to..

I've had many, many beautiful trips on mushrooms. Mushrooms were the first psychedelic I tried and they shattered my ego and connected me spiritually to the Oneness of everything. Had bad moments, but never a bad trip. I've tried LSD once and had also had a very beautiful, unifying, overwhelming love....all of that good, happy stuff kind of trip. I went to Wakarusa this year (music festie in Arkansas) and thought I did LSD during the Flaming Lips show but unfortunately I believe it was a research chemical because what I felt was anxiety, vomiting, intense visuals but none of that love that I always seem to feel under the influence of psychs...

I met the best group of people at Wakarusa near my campsite. I explained my experiences with the only two psychedelics I had done up to that point and explained my deep affection for DMT simply for what it is and what it does, never had experiencing it personally. The guy happened to have LOTS of DMT that he had planned on selling/trading and he was so kind, he said he got good vibes from us - he gave my boyfriend and I a few hits of the deemsters for free along with some parsley to use to sandwich it with. I was so grateful, thrilled, but I felt the festival wouldn't be the right place for me to do it so we waited til we got home. OK...here's my experience...

...maybe subconsciously I was afraid. I know I hesitated to light the bowl, but I couldn't figure out why. Finally, I said fuck it and I just lit the bowl, took a big hit, held it in for about 10 seconds, exhaled, immediately took a second hit and held it in for what I thought to be longer (my bf said I only held in for 5 secs the 2nd hit), exhaled, and the effects hit immediately. I handed the pipe to my boyfriend and I felt overwhelmed. How fast it took hold. How strong. I couldn't control this, like I could with mushrooms or acid. I wasn't in control. I felt more overwhelmed.. Just with emotion, a sort of sadness :/ I kept my eyes open. WHY? I DONT KNOW. The visuals were that of like the peak of an acid trip, more intense though. I looked down at myself and my body seemed lifeless, I felt very disconnected from my body. I didn't identify with it at all. It's as if I was observing everything with my mind's eye (third eye)...I was feeling so much. I remember thinking "this is it." I felt like I was receiving so much information so fast, that I couldn't keep up. Everything looked beautiful...I felt okay...I felt alright I guess. But for some reason, I couldn't let go? I kept thinking of Terence McKenna and what I had wanted to experience but overall I still felt mostly tied down the physical realm. And a bit of sadness through the duration of my trip. Which I did not expect with DMT because I've had overwhelming love and deep connection on other pyschs... it's really hard to explain what I felt exactly. But...afterwards, I made sure I was back to reality, and I looked at my boyfriend and I just started crying. Whatever I was going through while on DMT, was very fucking serious. I started crying after the trip and I was telling my boyfriend that I just had to learn to let go. I had to start letting go in life. I told him that I had to accept that what he is and what my 1 year old daughter is, ISN'T their physical body. They are more. I guess in this life I have a fear of losing people that I love. ANd I just started bawling thinking, "they'll always be around. they are part of something greater" but I don't know how or why I was so emotional about this. I told my boyfriend that all I wanted...the only desire I had....was to be with them in my next life. I just wanted to still have my daughter and my lover with me in my next life. I'm starting to think this doesn't make much sense...but I hope maybe someone has a similar experience or insight...

the next day, my head felt clear. My anxiety about everything has disappeared. I know, deep down, that everything is going to be okay - in this life, in the next one, forever. I'm no longer afraid of dying. Not that I ever was to begin with, but.. I felt like I had died on the DMT except that I didn't let go... I kept my eyes open and I tried to control my trip like I do but I could NOT of course and I was very anxious feeling and emotional....which is sad, because I wanted to let go. I wanted to breakthrough. I wanted to go to hyperspace. I wanted to feel that warmness, feeling like you are where you are supposed to be, happiness that my boyfriend felt when he smoked the DMT. He had the experience that I thought I might have. But I guess, as a new mother, I feel so attached to this world. I have so much love for my baby girl --- but I have to let go. I guess that's what this trip taught me. or hell, maybe I didn't take enough or hold it in long enough. But it was VERY intense, very serious, emotional... beautiful, but different. No entities. I don't know...

we have more and I plan to smoke again when I feel the time is right. I plan to meditate, try to figure things out...now I know what to expect, so next time I hope I can just be grateful, smile - close my eyes, let go, and let whatever is meant to happen happen...

I guess my question is... does anyone have any idea why I experienced the strongest psychedelic there is in this way? Maybe it's not as deep as I am making it to be. But I know that it was truly intense and extremely emotional, more so than any other trip, and you know how emotional mushrooms can be....

thank you for taking the time to read this <3

 

If I understand your question properly, I should say that either it sounds like you did not take in enough, fast enough, to get the experience that you were expecting, or that the inability to let go being rooted in the relative novelty of your role as a parent is as you suspect, the cause; but I am inclined to suspect the former, since most people that I've gotten high for the first time were super excited about it and then when it came time to smoke it, ended up passing the pipe back to me after only one hit and refusing to take any more.

However, the idea of 'breakthrough' is a bit misleading, and the word itself a misnomer, because although there are similarities to every high dose experience, they also tend to be dramatically different in the most important aspects. The first time I had a 'breakthrough' experience, which came within seconds after three very large and painful inhalations, it was so alarming and appalling, so immediately intoxicating but the only visions (besides the introductory geometry phase, one of those very similarities) were of an entirely natural order, while the peak moments of the trip found me bereft of any sensory input whatsoever. I mean to say that during the first few seconds there seemed to occur an ontological rupturing, a schism of individuation to where I could perceive my immediate surroundings from two points of identifiable consciousness; the one was 'me' as I know myself, the other a sort of simulacrum of 'me' inhabiting an isolated virtual sensorium yet curiously I was simultaneously familiar with both senses of self. From the 'original' I was looking ahead at my friend sitting across from me (we were sitting in a tent setup in his backyard for this very purpose, a 'temple of visions' as we used to call it) and from the clone I was watching what I could only describe as a home video of my own childhood, which I have in retrospect concluded was the projection of one of my early memories. After a few seconds of this terribly distressing vision, my conscious identity began to grow to include this third sense of self (that is, my childhood self, within the memory, which began to blur into the present) and as this pushed the boundary from uncomfortable to overwhelmingly bizarre my mind seized in response, and then I recognized 'myself' in the singular again, looking across the tent to my friend, and suddenly another sense of 'self' seemed to grow from my back, up through the top of my head and out beyond the teepee into the night sky and "I" was swallowed up by a body of light infinite in scope which was of a color between gold and amber, and of a brilliance that was intolerable. While buzzing around within this light (it was at this point that I lost all sensory input and seemed only to exist as a thought) I had the direct awareness that I was in the presence of the divine, and I became critically afraid, and as this dizzying and disorienting existential crisis reached a climax of unbearable anguish it finally began to relent, loosening the grip on my psyche (or possibly my soul) and I felt 'myself' slip out of this body of light and back into my human body, then I was able to see through my eyes and hear through my ears again, and eventually I regained the ability to speak, and then to move my limbs &c.

Most of the other times I took rapid successive hits of DMT the experience was only similar to this in terms of intensity and the sensation of my mind or soul having been dislocated and separated from my body, but there is frequently a tunnel of light (or tunnel of abdomen, depending if I'm going to heaven or hell) through which I feel I am being thrust before arriving at an entrance of some kind, the other side of which is always impossible to describe. Sometimes there is no sensation of having gone anywhere at all but rather I suddenly snap out of a state of transfixed bewilderment in focusing on geometric lights to one of a profoundly acute state of hypersensitivity to my own self awareness, which may or may not involve a visionary panorama of the pantheon.

The very emotional state in which you found yourself on this experience is not one which I am entirely unfamiliar with, being a father of two (a boy and a girl). In fact, during one experience I heard my daughter cry (she was in another part of our home with my girlfriend, and was most likely whining for a toy or something) and I was only a few seconds into what was apparently going to be a devastating trip, and hearing her voice in a cry brought me to a point where I felt unable to, exactly as you describe, let go, and found myself stuck at a hypnagogic interface tottering on the brink, being pulled in both directions to which I ultimately succumbed beneath the power of biology and caught myself up in a revelation of my role as a parent (which was unnecessary and even irritating, as it's a trip I've gone over one too many times with mushrooms). I cannot think of advising you on the matter, as most likely the experience you had was exactly the experience you needed to have, and if you have a desire to go further out, chances are that the next time you smoke it, you will. Becoming a parent is no small task and as time goes on you will find yourself burdened with an increasingly painful depth of love for your child as that bond continues to grow, so diving head first into profound states of psychedelia may become increasingly difficult for you (I know that it did for me).

By the way, the part in which you discussed expressing your desire to perpetuate the love your share at this moment with your family into a next life is something that I too have experienced, however this is somewhat of a religious idea that I am not quite certain I can embrace. Reincarnation has long been a difficult subject for me to discuss..

 

DMT trips can be quite variable in content, sometimes it is extremely hallucinogenic with entity contact, experience of otherworldy places, fractal dimensions, etc. other times there is not much in the way of visuals.

Also, due to duration and the velocity at which the trip comes on, sometimes the impressions on DMT are harder to recollect then with trips which manifest more slowly and last several hours such as mushrooms and LSD.

I find with heavy doses I don't really have a choice of keeping my eyes open or closed, so you may not have quite reached a 'breakthrough' dose, there can sometimes be an egoic reaction to fight the trip when you still have a semblance of reality, although your experience sounds profound and left you with a strong emotional impression so that's good.

 

Guerillabedlam summed it up spot on,

As you experienced this is much different than the other drugs classified as Psychedelics. It's almost like moving all of a LSD trip into 15 minutes I suppose. If you were to try it again, I would suggest closing your eyes, being lively does cause those uncomfortable grasps of reality.

Meditation would be a good practice if you're interested in trying again. Even I myself has for the first time in my life been weary of trying another experience with the extract. I can certainly relate to your worldly experiences as I have made the same mistake. It's almost comforting to let go of your body as the physical effects I find quite frightening. Letting go like in meditation, you're in a deep relaxed state.

Try practicing Lucid Dreaming and Astral Projection, I believe those are the most natural states of a similar experience. Expect to put in a minimum of one month's effort

 

Here goes my experience with DMT on volcano vaporiser at 230C degrees, so you can compare:

Extremely strong hallucinogenic effects, all my vision got dark with many neon lights with different colours (blue, yellow, orange was predominant), the music changes a lot (with added Nitrous Oxide gas became church bells like we enter the paradise), I could hear a message, each time the message became stronger, body melting. But all the time the trip was very clear, I never had any fear from the trip, my body did some kind of system reset.

The Nitrous Oxide part was in the end, so each time I did a ballon the trip came back stronger and I could hear noises from another dimension.