Figured This Was The Best Place To Look.

I've been severely depressed with constant thoughts about suicide since I was twelve years old (almost 21 now). Last year I dropped out of university after completing my first year (two subjects failed). I then started working at my parents' store. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for months now - tried four different anti-depressants, none of which seemed to have any effect on me. I have been smoking cannabis for about four years now. Yesterday, I bought myself some methamphetamine, hoping that it would make me feel better. While I definitely feel less depressed on it, my anxiety has been unbearable. I have been prescribed valium - I took 20mg, which slightly helped. Slightly. I have no motivation whatsoever. I'm almost 21 years old, still living with my parents. I just stopped going to work a month and a half ago. Needless to say my parents are very disappointed in me. Since anti-depressants clearly aren't working for me, I've decided to give up on them. I used each of the four anti-depressants for two months. I am incredibly depressed and feel like it would be better to just be gone. It's feeling like it's a choice between eventual drug addiction or suicide - I am not willing to live like this anymore. It has been over eight years and I simply can't handle it anymore. I need advice without judgement.

Any response will be greatly appreciated

 

Find the source of the depression and get out of that loop. Drugs won't do that for you, you have to do it yourself.

 

If things get too bad.

1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

And I suggest lots and lots of Grateful Dead (live shows of course).

 

I don't see suicide as a negative thing, so I won't be calling someone so they can try to convince me not to. I'm not at the point of committing suicide; far from it. I see it as a very viable option if I fail to achieve happiness. Maybe I'm being greedy. Thanks for taking the time to respond, Michael!

How do I find the source of my depression if I have so little to be depressed about? I've had a very privileged life so far, and should be thankful and happy - I just don't understand why I'm not. Thank you for the response, Tyrsonswood.

I have so much to live for, but no motivation to live; if that makes sense.

 

Dude...my advice is to stop using all of the drugs for a while. Even the pot. There are different drug interactions, etc. Meth certainly never solved anyone's problems and will only make things worse. Get totally off all drugs, start eating well and start working out. Give it some time but just doing those three things may be enough for you to have a much happier life naturally. Best of luck and feel free to update this thread with how you're doing.

And please talk to someone before considering anything like suicide. Promise yourself that you will spend one hour talking to someone you love about what you're thinking of doing before you do it. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If the solution is going to be permanent....what will it hurt to spend one more hour talking?

 

You gotta dig deep and do some soul searching... When did it start, what happened right before that? Something upset you and it got stuck in there, now you keep playing the same old tape over and over again. There's something or someone that triggered this. 99% of depression is situational, not a "chemical imbalance". Change the situation and the depression goes away.

 

This thread may be helpful to you

http://www.hipforums.com/forum/topic/458019-treating-depression-and-anxiety/#entry7705777

You mentioned seeing a psychiatrist, but have you seen a therapist?

You might want to visit www.suidiceforum.com to discuss what is going on.

Hope that things can get better soon!

 

Hello, Wizardofodd, and thanks for the response.
Keep in mind I haven't done any methamphetamine for three years before yesterday. I never struggled with addiction - though personally I believe I am mentally addicted to cannabis.
I basically have three steps set out for myself right now:

1. Find a feasible solution to my depression and anxiety (that does not involve prescription medication)
2. If that fails, maybe I could be happy if I was constantly using drugs. I know they will help me, but I'm afraid of eventually becoming even more depressed because of them.
3. If the drugs fail to make me feel happy, suicide becomes an option. It might be a cowardly escape, but I don't choose to look at it that way. If I'm not enjoying this life, why not take a shortcut to the next?

This is not some kind of suicide 'threat'. I'm not trying to fish for 'Oh, no! Please don't kill yourself!'

I am simply looking for advice to help me achieve step one.

 

try keeping a grateful journal where you record everything you're thankful for every day. I know it sounds simplistic but it helped drag me out of a deep depression once. I agree with Ty that depression is usually not a chemical imbalance, its simply a cycle of negative thinking. You have to find a way to break that cycle.

 

I did see a therapist a few years ago, but I stopped going. It's too much stress and pressure for me to talk to someone about this face to face - that's why I'm here.

Thanks for the response, newbie-one

 

find a rich $$$$$ milf and bone her on call..



all the other answers were taken..

 

Eventually working your way back into therapy might be good. It can be hard, but with the right therapist it can be helpful. There's also a group therapy option. You can spend some times just listening if that's what you want to do. Usually cheaper too.

I don't think depression is all chemical or life circumstances/experiences. I think it's a combination.

 

I used to think a chemical imbalance might be the problem, but after trying so many anti-depressants, I don't believe that's the case.
Breaking a cycle of negative thinking is extremely difficult for me, as I have always been a pessimist. One negative thought leads to another, they pile up, I have a 'breakdown'.

I very much appreciate everything people do for me; like my parents providing me with food and shelter, and you guys taking your free time to try to help me, even though you don't know me. I am thankful, and I know I should be happy. I just don't understand (at all) why I'm unhappy. To be perfectly honest, I'm not going to write down everything I'm thankful for. I try to keep my thoughts positive by thinking about the things I'm grateful for - but the negative thoughts simply overpower it. I feel like I can't be a positive person unless I get rid of the negativity.. Feelings of guilt play a big role as well (won't go into detail).

Thank you for your response, Meliai

 

Way to keep a depressing thread light-hearted

 

I know it seems like a simple task (seeing a therapist or joining a group), but I really can't do that. I tried once and I hated it. I felt incredibly nervous (started sweating) and anxious. I wasn't honest with her, either. I can't talk to people about things like this. Luckily, I have HipForums.

Thank you for your reply, newbie one!

 

Something did happen around then - I fell in love with someone, and got rejected. This happens to almost everyone at some point, I'm assuming. I don't believe that has anything to do with my current situation, though. I mean it was over eight years ago.

I would believe that it could have been triggered somehow, as I had a very happy childhood pre-12. No trauma of any sort (parents never divorced, close relatives haven't died) - I really have absolutely nothing to complain about and noone to blame but myself.

What exactly do you mean by 'change the situation and the depression goes away.'? Which situation are you referring to?

Thanks again for the response, man!

 

The situation causing the depression, whatever it is that causes you to get all negative on yourself. That's what needs to change.


And yes, getting rejected at 12 years old can set some people up for a lifetime of depression. We all handle "trauma" differently, something that's "no big deal" for one person can be devastating for another.

 

I actually didn't mean to hit "like". I meant to hit "quote"....but maybe you (should do the things I said before but also) find some places to volunteer your time to some good causes. It may sound silly but you don't have to work right now, you have the time, sitting around isn't going to help. A way to change the situations may be to change your mental environment. Helping others helps you....plus...it gives you something to do. I always say...if you feel like you don't have a purpose in life...start helping others and you will find that you instantly have a purpose and it will probably make you feel pretty good when you see the difference you can make.

 

That's actually a very good idea. I know of a 'home' for old people that need all the help they can get - a lot of them never get visitors... Sad, in a way. I volunteered there with my girlfriend a few years ago. Most of the residents are very lonely. Maybe if I can succeed in making them feel happy, I could feel like I've accomplished something. Their only form of entertainment is the little window on the side of the room. They basically sit there and stare at the same area for the majority of their day.

I'm going to volunteer there tomorrow and see how it goes.

Thanks!

 

When I go out with friends (rarely happens these days), I'm always very 'self conscious' of what I say. For days after I went out with my friends, I always think about what I said to them; and I end up feeling nauseated from how embarrassed I am about the things I said. I always feel like I never want to see them again, because of how 'humiliated' I am. I guess I'm somewhat obsessed about what people think - scared of what they think. Probably why I prefer being alone.

Because of things like this, I told my psychiatrist I might have social anxiety disorder. She prescribed me with Paxil and Effexor; the Paxil gave me a bit of energy, the Effexor completely eliminated my appetite for a few days - but nothing had changed. By this time I'm really frustrated, because I've gotten so many different prescriptions from the psychiatrist, I had to wait an eternity (2 months per script) before I could determine if they worked. If the first script she gave me didn't work, that would suck, but it's the first try, just got unlucky, I guess. It happens. Four times, though, is different. I was pissed at how much money I'd spent on it, with no results whatsoever.

Sorry for the rant, and thanks for posting