Fidelity and bisexuality

Hi

I think i am a classical example of a bisexual man having had to suppress my "dual" sexuality for to long...

To give you some background context, I am today 32 years old, I am married and I recently had a daughter. I am madly in love with both. However, I have not told my wife I am bisexual, and I know it is something she would never accept. At least not my wish to engage in having sex with other men.

At this stage, I have only had one sexual encounter with another man. I got a BJ some years back, before meeting my wife, and it was great. But lately I have been having more and more intense phantasies. Especially about being a bottom. The idea to get fucked by another man just gets me so damn horny.

Now to my conundrum. I have gone so far as to join gayromeo, and Ive started to chat with a guy in the same situation as me. There are surprisingly many people in the same situation as me. My problem does boil down to one thing alone, and that is fidelity. I would never want to hurt my wife, and I do not want to cheat on her. Yet, I find myself constantly thinking about sex with other men at the moment. I am trying to balance my sexual urges with my ethical self, and I am at loss.

Would love some input from other people, about how you rationalise these sort of things? How do you manage your bisexuality while being married?

Any tips or help would be great!

 

you need to talk to your wife. It seems to me you are just liking for justification to cheat.

 

yeah, that is probably the only real solution at the end of the day...

 

Thanks for your reply Simon, it was an encouraging story. And I do agree that there should not be a separation in terms of genders, that was never the intent. In the end, you love who you love, so to speak.

I do however believe that regardless of who (or what) you may be attracted to, the promise you make to a person is important. I will try to talk to my wife, but I do know her values, and at this stage I am almost sure an open relationship would not work for us. But who knows, maybe in the future.

At this stage in my life I think I will just have to learn to live with my phantasies, without acting on them...

 

Uhm, really? Those fantasies will rip you apart, then your marriage, then your friendships. Not necessarily in that order.

Only the LGBT community will tell you that you have to conform to some 'alternate lifestyle' to be bisexual. I've been bisexual all my life, and there are 2 people close to me that know it. It doesn't have to be an alternate lifestyle.

HOWEVER!!! If you're hiding it from the person with whom you stood, in front of all your (and her) friends and family, and swore everlasting devotion to - and she was clueless - then you have an HONESTY problem.

Problems already exist in your relationship - telling her you want an assfucking is MINOR!

 

Im inclined to disagree...

Of course I am not being honest with my wife by withholding that I am bisexual. Thats clear to me! However, that does not mean I lied to her infront of my (and her) family as regards to my devotion to her. At the time I was in fact not fantasising about other men at all... nor in the need of an assfucking as you put it... this has only re-surfaced with time (especially as our sex life is not at its "best" now).

What seemed irrelevant at one stage, has however become increasingly important. At least in my muddled mind. That is also why I am here. To discuss and consider how to move forward.

In the end, I guess I am more interested in how you can live with being bisexual in a monogamous relationship. I understand that talking to my wife is one step, but that is just to sooth my conscience and to live up to the standard of honesty my wife deserves. After that, I will still have to live with these urges. They will not disappear simply because I have chosen to spend my life with one person.

And this is not about an alternate lifestyle, nor any other type of label you like to categorise your life by. For me, I think its the pursuit of personal acceptance for who you are, not what people around you say or think.

 

I don't understand why being bisexual means you can't just control yourself and be faithful to the one you're married to. If you're not attracted to your wife anymore or you are just gay then you need to tell her that.

Situations like this are what gives bisexuals a bad name. Just because you can swing either way, it doesn't mean you get a pass to cheat. I agree with drumminmama. It's the same deal as if you were straight. You can find other women attractive, but you don't act on it if you're faithful and you love your partner. Being bisexual shouldn't change the situation.

 

Thanks for your post Principessa! And yes, I agree with what you say. I have never cheated on my wife, and I do not intend to. At least not without having talked to her, whatever the implications of that may be.

However, for anyone that has been in a long relationship, you know that after the "honeymoon" period and when children enter the picture, the relationship changes rather dramatically. And do not get me wrong here, this is not an argument for cheating. I do not condone cheating...

What I am trying to say is that I have never explored my bisexuality on a physical level. And when my current relationship is not so physical anymore, I tend to phantasise about all those "what ifs". This does not mean that I do not love my wife, nor that I do not feel physically attracted to her. Only that, at times, the thoughts of the unknown takes over. And in my case all those unknown factors dominate sometimes.

There is also no distinction here as regards sexuality, because I could equally easily have phantasise about other women. It is only that my phantasise's become stronger simply because i never experienced them in real life. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone?

 

Okay, that makes a little more sense. I can see why you would be more curious and fantasizing more if your relationship's passion is fizzling. I myself have not physically experimented with a woman either and it's fun to think about. My fiance gave me permission to do so but I don't plan to act on it unless I were single again. Things can get messy very quickly when you go from a monogamous relationship to having lovers on the side. I don't want to mess with a good thing. But that's just me.

Just be careful and honest with your wife.

 

Im with you on this topic. I tell my wife everything about my sex life. thats how she knows I'm bisexual. I'd feel like an asshole if I hid my cock sucking from her.

 

Exactly. Honesty is best. I did break up with my ex-fiance and I'm dating a woman now. But imagine how much messier it would have been if I met her while still with him. I would have fallen for her (because she's amazing, how could I not?) and it would have been a really terrible ending to my ex and I. But it's funny, I refused to be unfaithful, and he was the one to cheat on me lol The way he saw it, sex with a woman "doesn't count" as sex so he didn't think he would mind. I was still speaking to him somewhat recently and he was insanely jealous of the gorgeous woman I'm with and I of course bragged about the amazing sex. Hehe.

 

Since it seems like you're devoted to your wife and not interested in cheating on her but have a desire to see these fantasies fulfilled I might suggest seeing a therapist or psychologist. I know that most people consider seeing a therapist or psychologist as the sign of a failing marraige but my experiences with psychology and therapy have ALWAYS been beneficial. At the very least seeing a psychologist on your own may help you find better ways of communicating with your wife and dealing with your stress concerning this issue. Also if you're set on telling your wife a therapist or psychologist can help you find a way to do it that doesn't threaten your current relationship with her. Regradless this is obviously a strain on your relationship with her and should definitely be addressed. I suggest not making assumptions regardless of how well you know the person as assumptions will ALWAYS 'make an ass out of you n me'. I always assumed my mother would react badly when I came out as Pan/bisexual to her but after talking to her about it I found that she just had a few misconceptions and after we cleared those up she was and is very supportive of me.

 

Communication is key in a good relationship and a great sex life. Tell her about your fantasies, she may surprise you.

[SIZE=10.5pt]That sounds very familiar. My wife has no interest in sex. So I have to tell her about my sex life too. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]She has went with me a few time when I’m meeting a man for oral, she just watches.[/SIZE]

 

Or she may drag his ass through divorce proceedings, lets see how key communication is then

 

Maybe if you talk to her she will be interested in having a threesome? Then you could try out some of your fantasies, but still include her.

 

That's true, many scenarios are possible. The only way to know for sure is to go through it and see what the situation brings.

 

[SIZE=10.5pt]Divorce[/SIZE]d over having fantasies. I’m not sure that is grounds for divorce.

 

If he thinks the wife doesnt at least catch him sometimes, reacting to, looking at certain guys the wrong way, he's kidding himself. That kind of stuff is dead easy to pick up on.

Especially since he seems to be focused on being treated like a rag doll by a brute of a guy. Thus no doubt gets a little twitchy around brutish guys, a little gasp of breath etc etc
The wife will assume if he wants it, itrs easy to get, pop over some guys house for an hour.

Its not about reality, its whats in the wifes mind.