Family members contributing to body issues?

Does anyone else have this prob? My mom and I are really close and almost never argue ir disagree. But lately, my self-image takes a huge blow when i'm around her. I have been trying to get pregnant to no avail. But whenever I talk to my mom, just looking for some comforting words, all I hear is "if you'd lose weight, you'd get pregnant. overweight women can't get pregnant." When i pointed out to her that ALL of the women in our family are at least slightly overweight and have had no trouble conceiving, she told me "well no one in our family has ever been as heavy as you." Now, i'd never call myself svelte or thin, but I only weigh 160 and I am fairly tall. However, when she said i was the heaviest person in our family, I was shocked. I asked her how much she thought I weighed. I wish i hadn't but there you go. I tend to speak before i think. Anyway, her answer was "I'm sure you are at least 350 pounds." I was so unbelievably hurt. Of course then she follows with "I'm only saying this to help you. You asked for my advice and I'd never say anything to hurt you"
Well, sorry for rambling but i guess what i'm wondering is, does anyone else have a family member or friend that makes them feel about an inch tall.

I have tried talking to her about it but my mom is really sensitive and instantly she got upset that she had hurt my feelings. I believe i got the "speaking before i think" thing from her.

 

I hear ya. My mom is backhandedly insulting, where as my dad will just come out and say "gee you're fat". Also have two beautiful blondhalfsisters who are tall and thin and athletic... and I am the tall redheaded stepchild. haha

Its gotten to the point that I can now predict my parents behaviour ahead of time, and prepare myself for it in advance. For example? My mother was very upset to hear of my pregnancy (even though I am 27 and happily married)... but I knew she would be, and I didn't allow it to hurt.

Basically... if you can predict your mother's behaviour and learn to let it flow over and behind you without letting it effect you negativly you will know that you are, in fact, the bigger person spirtually, mentally and emotionally...to hell with the physically.

 

When I was a teenager my mom always told me that if I'm not careful I'll get fat like my Aunt Tammy. My Aunt is tall and big, but not obese - but she is chubby. Now that I'm older, and heavier (how often do we stay the same size we were when a teenager?) everytime I see her she makes some comment about how I am starting to look more and more like my aunt.

One time my husband actually told her she was being rude about it!! He knows how much it bothers me when she makes those comments. She hasn't said anything like that since. I love that man!

 

That's crazy! What age/marital status would she prefer you be at before having a baby?! Sheesh...

I can pretty much predict my mother's behavior too. I am just glad that I have a kind, caring, supportive father, so it balances the scales a bit for me.

 

I can't believe your mom thought you weighted 350 lbs! I weigh @ 170 and still wear an 8. I'm about 5'11, but there is no way that you could fat at 160. I would be so pissed.


Ya know, come to think about it, my mom pretty much does the same. She gained a lot of weight when she was pregnant with her last child. When she started losing weight, she started making such a huge deal about how much I weigh. She'd pinch my stomach and make jokes about how I can't eat what I want to anymore or that I am getting chubby. It would piss me off.

God, I hope I don't do that shit to my daughters...

 

your mom is a freak, op, and i hope you stop listening to her entirely. the woman is unhealthy, seriously. ignorant to boot.

 

Thats fucked up. Don't listen to her. Shes not a doctor is she? 160 and fairly tall isn't even obese. If you have trouble having a baby its not because your overweight and you should go to a real doctor. Anyways... last thing is that pregnant women are supposed to gain weight (like 25 lbs not including the baby, or however much weight the doctor recommends I guess).

 

yeah, my mother is dead but she did use to say stuff to me. as a consequence, when i was a teenager i suffered anorexia and then bulimia. i wanted so much to stay acceptable to her, and to everyone else--all my mother's friends, and my dad, would say things too. it wasn't because i was overweight, but because my sister was, and my mother had some trouble too. so all i got were comments like, 'if you eat that cookie you'll get fat like your sister', which was damaging to both me AND my sister.

it is amazing that your mother could blow your weight up so much. 160 to 350??? tell her she won't win one of those prediction things at the amusement park, lol. just try to ignore her, it's obviously her problem and not yours.

regan...your mom just doesn't want to be a grandma! haha

 

yup my mum does it all the time.. and everytime she makes those comments she always says it infront of the entire family so it's much worse.. Like on christmas eve over dinner i was putting some food on my plate and she said loud and clear "Sara, you really shouldn't be eating all that.. you've put on so much weight lately". Of course everybody turned their head at me and i really just wanted to hide under the table or something. I mean, i know i haven't gained weight and i hardly had any food on my plate AND i hadn't eaten anything all day!
Then the other day, I was watching tv with my brother and sister and my mum comes in and stops to look at me.. so i was like "what?" and then she said "your skin looks terrible. you have to stop eating all that candy!" I was seriously like wtf! What candy?? She knows i've hardly eaten candy for months.. dammit, she knows i've hardly eaten anything for months!
It just makes me so angry and hurt when she does that cause she knows i've got selfesteem issues.. and she's definitely not helping by saying stuff like that!

 

my dad and brother were like that. always attacking the nice quiet one (ahem, that's me, really). now that i'm out of the house, they're all over my brother. i leave him alone with my family for one smmer and the kid had been beaten down, insulted, harassed henpecked and otherwise abused into obesity, even though the poor fucker is seriously hyperkinetic and spends teh vast majority of his time in the ocean. go figure. the fucksticks. they always go after the nice ones.

 

Yeah, I had that problem with my dad and brother as well. My mother is overweight herself and I think all the critical innuendos she went my way truly were unintentional, just came from some self-loathing inside herself.

I was only slightly chubby, but my dad and older brother told me all the time that I needed to "go work out," "lose some weight," and "go on a diet." Meanwhile another of my brothers is packing a double chin and no one says anything. When I turned 14 I started trying to lose this alleged weight, succeeded, and everyone loved me again. Imagine that -- 15 pounds gets in the way of family love, respect, and not to mention common decency.

My brother lost all his excess weight, too, but didn't recieve the warm welcome to the realm of the thin that I did. I wonder why that is.

 

It sounds like both of your Moms are projecting. They are insecure about themselves so they are saying hurtful & it sounds to be untrue things about your bodies.

You probably know all that though.

I guess what I would do is consider the source somewhat. I know that it's hard when it's Mom but now that you know that she is doing this you can also know that she isn't correct in her assessment & you can disregard this piece of "advice".

 

Guys can be fat & people will let them get away with it. I think that is one of the reasons that women have body image issues anyhow.

I think that it's ironic & hypocritical that society does this. The "girl curves" are fat for the most part. Let's face it if we don't have fat on our bottoms they would look like guys bottoms. Breasts have the milk ducts but the majority of them are fat. Thinking of it in that aspect you could tell people who are giving you a hard time to think about it next time they are looking at some woman with big breasts or ogling Jennifer Lopez in the next movie she is in. Well, the big breasts could be a boob job but you know what I mean.

 

funny...my mum is always encouraging me to eat more. same thing my dad. I'm not skinny at all, but rather slim for my age. I still look like i'm 15. I will stop complaining when i'm 25.

 

That is horribly ridiculous and your mother should be ashamed of herself...

My mother use to criticize me all the time, if it wasnt my hair, it was my clothes, then it was something else... day in day out it was always something..she wouldnt let a day go by without giving me a mouthful with how shitty i look...I use to be crushed by this and let it affect me, but then i realized why? Why should I let someone hurt me and make me think less of myself, why should I let people who are suppose to support me and love me, make me hate myself and my outside shell... Especially when they looked all crazy themselves and should take their own advice really...
I know its so much easier said then done to say ignore it.. But you should stand up and tell her that you dont want to hear it anymore, and if she says any more you will not talk to her until she can grow up and stop hurting you and being childish. That you are done and had enough.. Your mother should know better and she needs to grow up and act like a mother and not a child.
Good luck to all you ladies...

 

Sugrmag, you present an interesting point. She's always been on my back a little bit but she recently lost a lot of weight (45lbs in 2 months, to be exact) and since then, the nagging has gotten much worse. However, anytime I mention to her that maybe she is losing more than is healthy for her body type, she freaks. I wonder if she isn't calling attention to my body issues to draw attention away from the fact that her "dieting" has clearly reached an unhealthy level.

 

i lost nearly 50 pounds in the last year. i went from nearly 200 to about 150 (and i'm also fairly tall) and my mother and grandfather still crack fat jokes.

 

yikes, this whole thread is a bit disturbing... my mom tells me things too, but not like these you are saying... one time she was in the car with me and said she'd never seen my skin look so bad and that i should do something about it (i was in the process of...) and after she went away for two weeks she came back telling me i look anemic and pale and skinny.... which i'm not, my god i'm 5'4"/5'5" and weigh 145-150 (i'm built kinda large.) and i had been really sick. as far as the skinny thing, i think her problem is the opposite of your moms though... she used to be realllly pretty and skinny and got a boob job an is blond haired/blue eyed.. and now she's getting older and has gained weight and she doesn't want me to look good i guess...? i'm not sure in that case.. she's weird, but for the most part she leaves me alone even though i usually look like a bum.

 

my mom never gives me any shit about my weight. well, she never gives anyone any shit about how they look. we're her kids and we're gorgeous, stunning, wonderful, brilliant, perfect, and so on. it's the dad and big bro you gotta look out for. though my little sis showed up telling me she was a size nine when in point of fact half her ass was literally hanging out the top of her pants. i teased her about the plumber's cracka bit then let it go. she knows already. (but i never once mentioned she might be a size 11).

 

Wow, I don't know how I would react to that kind of abuse....my mother always tells me I am gorgeous....I am the one who thinks I am fat.