This is kind of hard to write for me because I almost never let anyone into my life. But I figured I would write this post here. I have felt unfulfilled with my life recently and its bringing me down so far into a dark pit. I have a lot of self hatred for myself feeling pathetic and like everyone knows I'm failing at life. I am a stay at home mother with my three year old daughter. I unfortunately don't have many friends (except my husband.) and lately with the group that my husband I do hang with, I can't seem to fit in very well. I have tried to also be friends with them too ( they were mostly his friends before I met him.) and I always feel left out by them (like they don't care.) its nothing new to me really (people not taking to me.) and whenever that happens I just hear my mom, grandma act (family members) voices in my head saying that I basically suck at being friends with people and I am a pathetic piece of s***. In begging to loose all hope in my life and everything that I once held so dear to my life (my art, my music, my self respect.) has disappeared. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. 2 years ago I also had a horrible cancer scared that I felt ruined my life because of how frightened I was with it, it sent me into the point where I didn't eat for days and I was just weak with fear. No one understood why I had gotten so thin and pale looking, and was accused of being anorexic and just a screwed up person at that point. No one knew about my cancer, I never even told my own parents. I just literally feel like I am the scum of the earth and literally cry myself to sleep. Sorry for the depressing post but its more so just venting and sharing.
The only way one can fail at life is if they hold themselves to society's standards instead of their own. People are too hard on themselves because they have this ideal in their heads of who they think they're supposed to be instead of who they really are.
Chin up. I was sort of in a similar situation, well I battle it every day yay for depression and anxiety and bipolar right?? What I did was, I found a hobby I knew would be a longevity which was playing on pool tables and I concentrated on learning which used up all the free time I would usually sit and lament on life. Then when I thought I was decent, I did something I'd never done before.. I went out by myself to a competition. All by myself. No missus, no friends. Just Irm. And I made it pretty far. So I took all my fears and social anxiety, all that negativity and I pushed myself past a boundary I'd set myself for like 27 years. I didn't make friends at first, actually the competition in me set out more enemies, for now they had a new player in town, and she could win. Eventually I just kept training and training until I threw myself completely in the deep end, I paid a fair amount of money to get my ass kicked. And kicked it was, but this showed everyone I was keen. And so before too long I had people asking me to join their team. New people and another day of pushing myself through this boundary. 18 months later I now have an almost unlimited supply of friendships, a culture of hobby and pool. I've travelled, gone to sports events, parties and festivals with these new friends who I hope are long lasting and they should be. So moral of that is, I just pushed myself into scenarios I would never have done all for the sole purpose of getting over what I was becoming, an unsocial ungrateful brat. But you should also keep in mind that your husbands friends don't necessarily have to be your friends. Keep the peace but if they work for him and not for you there's nothing wrong with that. Most of my partners school friends are all morons to me lol and she doesn't like some of my friends either. So there's things you can do, you just have to be confident and push past your problems. Maybe easier said than done, but you aren't failing at life. My partner also had a cancer scare earlier this year and while she remained silently strong, I took it to heart and was scared and frightened. I think that's just natural.
I know this sounds like a cliche, but you really need to seek professional help. There could be deeper reasons as to why you feel this way. I have had trouble also but I finally got on the right meds and now I'm doing OK. Nothing to be ashamed of here. Please, get sick of the suffering and do something about it. Good luck.
You are a beautiful woman with a 3 year old daughter that needs you. Seek help from your husband. Seek help from your extended family. Seek help from your family physician. And remember, your daughter needs you! Get help, get healthy.
I think you might suffer from clinical depression. You may find that if you get some exercise, that there are certain endorphin that make you feel better. Try out a gym membership! Hop on one of the treadmills and watch the television or just listen to jazz or something while you do it. My point is it maybe isn't just all in your head. There might be some kind of chemical imbalance that you can take control of! Hope this helps
Sorry to hear that you are going through this Freaky Fries It sounds like verbal abuse from your mom and grandmother has caused you to internalize some negative messages about yourself. You may want to try seeing a therapist. Either by seeing a therapist, or learning on your own, you may be able to learn some cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques to help you counter the negative self-talk. I think there are some free CBT resources online, but I'd have to look them up. I can try to do that if you are interested. You might want to take a look at the OP in this thread for some information about treating depression https://www.hipforums.com/forum/topic/458019-treating-depression-and-anxiety/ Do you feel like you could talk to your husband about how you are feeling? Developing some friendships outside of your husband's social group might be helpful, though I know that can be easier said than done. I hope things can get better soon!
Well your username is awesome! So I would not give up, because as you say you enjoy art, and I have reached an infinite plane of maximum creative expression forever. You too can reach this plane, it is possible! They're scrambling my wires...I must hurry...just remember, you're the best!
Nothing is actually wrong with you, besides being depressed I mean. I wanted to say that first because I know when you get into a cycle of negativity and self loathing it can be hard to understand that you arent actually all the bad things that you think about yourself. That is just the depression talking. Something that helps me when I get into a funk like that is just learning to be aware that you're doing it. You probably wouldnt want to talk badly about someone you love, so why let yourself think badly about yourself? If you can catch yourself thinking those negative thoughts you can train yourself to stop them and think something positive about yourself instead. I bet you're a good mom, a good wife, you mentioned art and music, just because you dont do those thjngs right now anymore doesnt mean you can't think about how good you were or how much joy creative outlets brought you before you stopped. I bet if you tried you could think of a lot of good things about yourself. The trick is to focus on those things instead of the bad. Thats something that really helped me at one point in my life, I just had to stop myself from being such an awful bitch to myself lol. You called yourself the scum of the earth but from an outside perspective you certainly dont sound like that. You sound sad and lonely and like maybe you've had family in your past who havent treated you as kindly as you deserve. But you absolutely do not sound like scum,now tell your brain to shut the fuck up and stop saying such awful untrue things about yourself I know this is simplistic advice, depression is an insidious and complicated beast and it is best to seek treatment to figure out the best way for you to get better. But your post just really struck a chord in me because when I was depressed it was the insecurity and self loathing that ate into me the worst. I think learning to love yourself and to stop the cyclical negative thought patterns can really help to at least start the road to recovery. So pour all the love you have into yourself, I sincerely hope you see your worth and talents and how important you are to your family again one day really soon
You're dopamine levels are low. Find a way to boost them back up. Also, value and appreciate what you still have. Did you know that psychologists find that bronze medal winners are often more happier than silver medalists? This is because the silver medalist usually thinks they could have been the gold. They could have been the one that won it all. And they dwell on what they could've done better. The bronze winner is happy just because he gets to stand on stage. He bronze winner realizes that there's a good chance he mightn't've won any medal at all. Be the bronze winner who appreciates what you still have that many people don't.
