Engaged and having second thoughts.

My fiancee and I have been together for nearly a year. We really hit it off the first time we met and fell in love quickly. Our relationship was long distance the first 6 months then I moved in with him. I've moved 5 hours from my hometown to be with him and I've started a life with him. He is my best friend and I love him dearly. He treats me well but I feel like I'm not as happy as I should be or deserve to be.
We've always had intimacy issues. I'm a very sexual person, and love to have fun in the bedroom. He claims he's the same way but the sex has always been disapointing. I feel awful and shallow admitting it, but it's the way I feel and I'm not happy. We both deserve to be happy with our sex life, and I can't imagine that he is happy either. Although he states that he is fine, I don't think he is.
He's small and never lasts more than 5 minutes and I feel like we have no sexual chemistry. I have no desire for him. No "oh my god, I want you right here, right now" feeling. Ever. I feel like my body had forgotten what that feels like. What it feels like to really be wanted and to really, desperately want somebody. I want to feel sexy, playful, and desired, I honestly don't think I can live the rest of my life this way and be happy. And I refuse to go looking for pleasure from anyone else.
The sex was bad when we first started dating and I just thought "well, maybe he just hasn't had good sex in awhile, and after his stamina builds up over time from more sex together, things will get better." I just kept hoping. But things have not gotten any better. We've talked about it and we've tried different things; me giving him head and then waiting before sex hoping he'd last longer. Nope. He's tried using condoms to desensitize himself. Nope. I've tried toys, costumes, lingerie, light bondage, blindfolds, and everything else I can think of to make things more interesting and exciting, and still sex is awkward and unenjoyable. I feel awful for letting things go this far. I don't want to be heartbroken and I definitely do not want to hurt him but I feel like I'll be making a huge mistake if I start off our marriage unhappy. He's a great guy and loves and takes care of me, but I just feel like he's my best friend.

Anyone have any advice?

 

Well, I don't believe anyone should go into marriage with any doubts. And you certainly seem to have doubts.

As far as his PE is concerned. I don't know if it's the result of a medical issue or not. Perhaps it is. But I believe (and know from experience) that men can train themselves to hold out. It does take practice though. But regardless of how quickly he cums, it shouldn't be an issue anyway if he can stay hard. So as long has he can keep it up, just tell him to keep fucking you. And if he can't keep it up, give him Viagra and do the same.

And it should be noted that being able to last forever doesn't automatically make someone a great lover. You still have to master the art/skill of sex.

This is a problem. You can't have good sex without sexual chemistry. Perhaps he's just not feeling comfortable (maybe he's really nervous about trying to satisfy you) and that's fucking up the chemistry. Whatever it is, you need to find it out and try and fix it. Otherwise, it's never going to get better.

 

thank you for your answer xxaru. I appreciate feedback from anyone.

 

Wow, it seems that you guys are moving things very quickly. You have only been together a year (with half that time being long distance) and you are already engaged? I would certainly slow things way down. Sexual attraction is certainly important and while normally a relationship will not maintain the same level of excitement that was present in the beginning, when everything was new and a good long-term relationship does require effort, but as you said you never had that excitement. On the other hand, you mention many qualities that you like about him. So, assuming there a enough good things in your relationship, I think you have got to lay all of your cards on the table. Explain to him exactly how you feel and see if the two of you can agree to work on it together, which should include counseling. Absent some honest communication and some hard work on your relationship, this marriage seems doomed for failure. But only you and he can determine if it is worth it.

 

Even if there was no sex, I'd go into a relationship with someone if I felt this way about them.

My advice: Try sex-enhancing drugs. It's worth a shot.

 

Drugs will not create the feelings of desire (both desiring your partner and being desired by your partner), which is what I am hearing is lacking in the relationship. If it is not there now, when the relationship is this new, there are some real fundamental problems that must be addressed now. There is no quick fix that is going to cure the issues.

 

If sex isn't that great, by marrying them are you sure you want to commit the next 3-5 yeas of your life to this person?

 

The lack of desire could be because of the previous bad sexual experiences. A new, good experience, could possibly change everything.

 

^^that's how long the avg marriage lasts these days?

 

^^^ This. It really doesn’t come across as though you’ve done a good enough job being fully honest with him about how serious of a problem this is for you. If you don’t communicate the point well enough for him to understand the severity of the situation, then he’s not going to be that serious about fixing it. You can’t hint around the truth because you’re afraid you may hurt his feelings. You just have to suck it up and be honest. That's what communication is about. :2thumbsup:


Also... I went back and read this again, and there are a few things that stick out to me.

Why is it you no longer feel sexy? Do you feel that he’s not very interested in having sex with you, thus making you feel unsexy and not desired? If so, what makes you think he's not interested in having sex with you?

What’s awkward about it? Can you be more specific? I ask this because it may provide some insight into the problem.

I just find this a bit strange for you to say. Are you trying to say that you love him like your best friend, but you’re not sexually attracted to him?

 

you are right. you should not enter a marriage unhappy. You are not only hurting yourself but by marrying him when you are unhappy means you wil become resentful, depressed, etc. which will, in turn make him unhappy.

Better off to break his heart now then to have a poisonous marriage which gets worse by the year.

You made a mistake by moving too fast in the relationship. don't compound it by going faster. Once you make your decision you can't change your mind or be guilted into staying.

and next time you sleep with a man who has a small penis and suffers from PE don't see him again, no matter how nice he is.

 

Don't marry him. If you have tried all you say you have, and the chemistry is not there, marrying him is not going to bring about chemistry. End it now before it gets even more difficult.

 

if you really love him, and he loves you, then you need to address the problem together. see a counselor together, and try to solve the issues you have. if you love each other, then you want the other person to be happy, right? marriage is old fashioned anyway. i have been with my love for 8+ years, and have no marriage document. we are common law, so we file taxes together, have children, and live together. no paper makes that happen. having a paper that says married doesnt make stuff magically happen. it certainly wont make things magically better.

without sex, arent you just awesome live together friends? Love is not restricted to who you bump uglies with. you can love people without a sexual element in the relationship. however if sex is important to you, you should not have a commited relationship with someone who cant or wont provide that.

a sex crazed woman named justine (name changed) married a man named matt (again, changed) matt did not care for sex. period. not a fan. they made it work. they had a baby, though it was difficult to accomplish, as you might imagine. justine actually propositioned me and my hubby for sex, in front of matt. very uncomfortable situation. she 'cheated'on him repeatedly, because she just couldnt get it at home. i think he was actually ok with that, for the most part.

eventually the whole situation got to be too much, and he killed himself.

then theres the couple who made a youtube video, about how they have to break up, because the man wanted kids, and the woman did not.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoXtkK9d33o"]We've Got To Break Up (Song A Day #1435) - YouTube

 

yep, jumping into marriage is rarely a good idea. if you aren't going to be happy with the guy, don't marry him.

and, just so i don't have to see cutted say it, check out cutted's thread on premature ejaculation that has already saved 4237890 million lives.

 

By the way, every time I read about a man with PE on this forum his penis is described as small. Is this just perception or is there some truth to this? I do not have PE, quite the opposite, sometimes I need to fuck for 20-30 minutes to orgasm and at the end usually have slam violently and very fast. My penis is nicely above average size (7 3/4") so I am curious.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament but the good thing about being engaged is that it's not a guarantee of marriage, only a trial period (imo).If you love this guy then you owe it to yourself and to him to give it a try (the relationship, not marriage!) and if this hurdle can be passed and you'reboth sure , only then get married.

From what I've read so far it seems your oh seems nervous about something. Perhaps he's aware that you have much more sexual experience than he does and is more sexually liberated than him. Maybe he's also aware that he suffers from PE and feels nervous that he's not satisfying you (which he obviously isn't). I suggest you just slow it down a little instead of rushing into bed and ripping each others clothes off the soon as you're in the bedroom. Go back to the basics and begin by just being comfortable in each others company. Start from a new page and on each others level, no penetration or oral. Just cuddling, talking, hugging kissing etc. Then when you feel comfortable move on to the next level...

 

lotsa fancy feel good bullshit answers here...very polite

fuck that...leave this fuckin dude asap....you are wasting your life because it is obvious you are not in love with him

 

Spoken like a true expert in love and relationships

 

It is when the couple doesn't have sexual chemistry.

I believe that was the point.

 

more of an expert at wasting time with the wrong person......i feel bad for the dude...small dick and all....but everyone has someone out there...he'll find another