Easy Light, Busy Mind

This is my sixth and most chaotic acid trip. A lot of good, a lot of bad, a whole lotta everything. I had more mental clutter going into it for a few reasons, but mainly not being able to visit home for the holidays due to snowstorms had me in lower spirits. This effected portions of the trip, but didn't rule it.

In the days following I've been a lot calmer and have enjoyed simple things more. Also I've had less body pains and have been less prone to anxiety when I smoke herb. I've had more energy and have had more mental efficiency with certain activities.

I assumed that my friend would be tripping with me but he wasn't up for it at the time. I hadn't even fully committed to the idea due to my own skewed mental state and left it as a game-time decision. I concluded that I wouldn't know how I would trip until I did. My friend, C, sat for me at another friends apartment and I gave that other friend two blotters for the trouble which he stashed away. I didn't realize at the onset that I really needed a tripsitter, or at least another person.

I took two bicycle day anniversary hits at noon and felt their energy within 15 minutes. The only thing I regretted with this trip was not taking more. C and the tenant were chatting and listening to music and that didn't bother me but I felt like I needed some air and took a brief walk. I was already distracted by thoughts stemming from not being able to see my family, esp. my younger brother. I mostly focused on the feeling of my steps against the sidewalk; they felt like they were pushing me along.

I walked back to the apartment and the tenant had gone to sleep for the day and C was ill and wanted to lay and meditate. The comeup had many ups and downs. I would stare out the window as reality broke down around me and felt very connected to trees outside, who I deemed brothers. Those brothers' brothers were being collected by national guard men, in the form of used christmas trees in the parking lot of an elementary school. That could've weirded me out, but the army men were brethren too.

I spent some time lotus-style and on my back trying kundalini meditation, which I'd started a few days before. It was different on the acid; I couldn't focus and elicit the energy because it was already unleashed and any attempt to focus or control only steered me weird. It was better to try and not think or focus and just listen to songs. The visuals were intense; no need to describe them. A lot of eyes, a lot of fractals, a lot of geometry, a lot of people fused together in murals on the wall or in rivers in my mind. I would often see a CEV of a robed figure with open arms whose bosom projected visuals like the infinity symbol, a spiral galaxy (the center of those visuals were at the Entity's heart). Sometimes the center of them would be in a close-up view of the Entity's closed fist.

The poster of Dark Side of the Moon did a lot to me. The triangular prism was mostly this:

I saw this a lot throughout the trip. In the Pink Floyd poster the white beam and the rainbow beam were sort of the eye's "arms" and they would always attach to me so that this other being and myself made up an arena of some kind and my thoughts would be played out within it. Right before my wife called me, the eye became her eyes and the visual reflected itself several times and each reflection was a different part of my wife's face, who was connected to me through the beams of light on the poster. She surrounded me and I was in awe of her and all she is. I felt like I was seeing her for the first time again. It's the same reverential awe I have for the constant feminine spirit under my feet, mind and throughout the natural world. My awareness and images of my kids were outgrowths from the presence of the feminine ubiquity/my wife; our roots were in her.

I re-lived previous trips during the late comeup/early peak. While I listened to Railway Children's "Every beat of the Heart" I was struck by love-waves of a very pure order. I had a lot of clutter in the way so I wasn't really bathed in it, but I could tell that the light was coming to me from within myself, and it's a simple, effortless light that I hide with all my human complications and busythoughts. I felt that I should let this light shine brighter and let all see it. Thoughts of my brother came again but I realized he wants to be shined on so I thought of how proud I was of him and was no longer troubled by the thought. Except the simple light was to my periphery and my attention was onto my pride in my brother. We and all existence were colonized on the wave of light and our lives were lived with our backs to the light. I couldn't face it could only let it hit my side so I could see the light shine on my brother. I laughed at us humans and what we focus on and the attention we seek and all the time the brightest most vibrant attention is at our backs, so much a part of us and so invisible to us. My brother then laughed at me for paying attention to him instead of the light.

This won't be super long, but I'm nowhere close to satisfied. The concepts I've recovered from the experience are only small lifeboats on an unknown, uncontained sea.

 

makes me want to trip again. i have only took a small dose last time, and well im really feeling like taking 4+ hits next time and then taking a break for a while.

although it was very mentally stimulating it was nowhere near the breaking down of concepts of reality or unification with the godhead. i think its about time again.

 

The way you describe the vision of the eye reminds me of an experience with goddess Parvati during my mushroom trip. No words of course, just feeling. This is the same picture I had pinned at my altar.



There was a massive and sudden thunderstorm during that trip, and was the same one when I had the seizures. But whenever I would be 'with it' enough to actually see my enviorment, She was there (without 4 extra arms lol) wavering and fluttering and going back and forth between evil eyes and loving eyes.

Its amazing how much feeling we get from eyes, both living and 2 dimensional.
God bless

 

What's up with the hindu Gods dropping in during people's acid trips?

 

Yes that is rather bizarre isnt it?
This was the actual picture I had pinned up at my altar when I was doing the sadhana everyday, so it was like She was present but only in a 2 dimensional outline, a shadow of the thought that inspired the painting.
But I've heard many cases, even from the man who taught me the kundalini tantric yoga, about having visions of either Ganesha, Shiva, or Krishna etc during psychedelic trips before having seen them with sober eyes.

 

Holy crap I saw thst shit too on my trip

and yeah hinduism is AMAzing on acid or weed or sober!!! Its perpetually wicked.

 

What's interesting to me, is that I realize that there are no, separate individually compartmentalized Gods like Ganesh, Shiva, or Krishna, because that would defeat the purpose of what true God is, (unity, oneness, all-pervading, eternity, infinite.)

And yet, we see these iconic figures. When I saw Ganesh in the trees during my first acid trip, I had no clue who Ganesh was, didn't have the faintest inkling of a thought about hindu religion at all, and was completely perplexed by the whole appearance.

And yet now look where I am. The way I take it, is that I was shown that figure, specifically so I would research him, and eventually come into contact with more information regarding the things he represents, and other aspects of hindu, which has ultimately resulted in the expansion of my consciousness.

It's so odd, how our universe works.

 

A better way to think of them is as Aspects i find; they do not fit into the western idea of 'god' very well

they are more like souls or something

 

What do you mean by this?

"Soul" is such a vague and elusive term that I didn't really grasp what you meant.

 

Agreed, let me put it this way. Rather than thinking of them in the western concept of God, think of them as Essences. They are closer to the greek concept of gods than western concepts, because they lack certain qualities and display other very human ones.

They are more like the people who lived in this field before there was an earth, a sun, a universe. They are like those who's lives carved into the universe their stories and now we often stumble into the groove of their epic narratives in our day-to-day lives. If the universe and our lives is a story, they are the people that the story is based on, rather than the author (author would be the western "god" concept)

that's just my opinion though and is not based on any hindu readings i did, it's just how i've always seen these things and find it's a nice way of having your cake and eating it too: the stories can be as real to you as you want, but you can also have a reality as seperate from them as you want. For even a book based on the gods can swerve into novel chapters where horizons are lost to distance and our actions are as the first raindrop to hit a calm lake.

 

so you take them literally, but don't attribute "god-status" to them?

 

Well, it's been said that God manifests itself to us, during our learning to give in, in whichever way we can perceive it at the time.
Many people have visions of Christ to guide them, or visions of Buddha during meditation, and I believe its because God does make personal communion with us before we can touch the formless Absolute.
I was reading once about reincarnation and the ascending heavenly spheres beyond the astral but before the dissolution, and it said that people who wake up out of the astral and into one of the lower spheres will meet God in whatever form they can comprehend, before going back out through the astral and into the next mothers womb.
Maybe that was just a romantic way of saying that God reveals itself in layers which must be broken down into the formless all permeating spirit before we are finished with the 3 modes of nature.

 

What makes it crazy, is as you know, God is just the perfect awareness that we all embody, that we all share, that we all are.

In other words, we are manifesting ourself to ourselves, in order to further our own spiritual progression, in order to return ourselves to ourselves what we already are and have always been. Far out, man.

 

Yea it's nuts.
When I first started meditating I used to get overwhelmed with the feeling of everything crashing into myself at once.
That was part the inspiration for my poem about Brooke with the tennis sneakers, when she throws up and laughs through the vomit stuck in her teeth lol :tongue:
Also I think those memories of confusion and painful communion come through in the one I wrote Sakura Saku. That kind of feeling is so important when you are a beginner in higher yoga, because they teach you so much about yourself, what you can handle and what you fear, before you make that leap into cosmic consciousness.
I am very fond of those memories, and although its still completley insane for me, its not longer frightening. I just needed to get 'myself' out of the way first, and it took me a few years.

 

I actually attribute god-status to every single thing in the universe, from empty space, to every quark there is, to every iota of energy there is, and to all things that are not, as well. However once you do this, you realize that therefore in a very real sense nothing is god in the traditional sense, since for that to be true there would have to be (a) things that are God (b) things that are not God, and I reject this approach outright. If there is a true Truth in this universe, then it is everywhere, otherwise what sort of truth would it be? None that I am interested in.

Exactly! Every single thing is that which every single thing seeks

 

good remarks. I dig how the gods of antiquated cultures appear in our visions because they left their "groove" in the collective unconscious. then there's the totem pole with the human at the top and evolutionary ancestors underneath. the animal ancestors are integrated into the same whole as the human, but underneath his consciousness. it seems like there's a vast cosmic database that one with reduced ego experiences, buried within and underneath ourselves. i'll go back to the trip tomorrow the main computer's occupied now.

 

After this simple effortless light made its way to my consciousness I was aware of all the mental kinks I had carefully built around it in the weeks prior to the trip, thinking I was nurturing the light but I had only been burying it. The fragmented light broke through more and more; it was as if I was lying on the ground underneath a thick overhead garden of thorny bushes. The bushes were beautiful and intertwining and it was easy to get lost in them, but the sun began poking through in places of least resistance. So much effort was put into growing them, and it was so simple for the sun to shine through.

I thought of the kundalini meditation I'd been doing and how it was such a pure and real force but I had complicated it, and the same force was behind my mind the whole time, illuminating everything I see and think. I laughed at myself many times because of my own silliness, how I'm constantly interpreting and second-guessing. I was simultaneously laughing at myself and crying from the simple beautiful power of the constant light and its benevolence at burning some holes through my stubborn willfulness. There was a blanket I was using that had skulls all over it. It could've tripped me out but instead it was comforting. I felt all the bones of my ancestors in the earth beneath me and they elevated me.

My mind was a bastard though. I felt like I was on a space shuttle and had to align my projectory back toward the earth but the controls were so delicate and my mental efforts were too awkward and clumsy to manage them. Often it would align on its own and I'd sense the pure light via a perfect tunnel carved from the sun directly through the thorny brush to me. I received the gift poorly though and was very quick to reach for the controls again only to steer myself into the thorny brush again, and got more and more lost in the complexity and abundance of the vines.

Reality kept breaking down; fissures formed between tectonic plates of my reality and much of my awareness felt as if in a gaseous state. Everything was dissolving in a series of quantum waves, each wave dissipating more of the world. The breakdown was so chaotic, but the series of waves was perfect and fluid and I went back and forth to uniting with the otherwise gentle sway of the consuming energy beneath me. It was quite an adventure, and I don't believe I handled it very well. I was caught between a gentle constant sway and a place similar to the top of a frozen lake that was thawing out for spring and I was running out of places to stand. I was so silly in retrospect. I still don't really know what I was clinging to.

As always I kept some herb handy; It had more of a calming effect on this trip. As I laid down I could feel much of myself turn to liquid. The distinction between essence and ego was very obvious here and often a tug-of-war between the two ensued. On a higher dose it was so easy to let the ego completely dissolve, but it was strong and resistant this time. It would flee into an arm and be flushed only to find another nook or cranny to hide while the rest of me was God-soup. I knew I was being ridiculous and needed to just let go, and the ego was halfway out the door when I yanked it back by wondering whether ego death was actual death. Now I know that it is the thought of real death that I needed to embrace.

That was clearly my last chance and from then on the ego began returning in larger measure. But it was still reduced and I was surrounded by liquid unity but retained an insane barrier between it and me. It was like the character in The Doors movie: Jim Morrison was frying with his friends in the desert and Jim was riding the flow of the serpent but the character like me said "Everything around me is one, and all I feel is isolation," or something like that.

I didn't know what to do with myself; it was such acutely profound loneliness. I tried to "die" again on the couch but it was too late. It was a very funky few moments; I didn't feel like a person and I didn't know whether there were any people anywhere. I thought human contact would help and C was sitting and reading so I asked if I could put my back against his as he read.

I felt utterly rescued by this simple exercise. I knew I could've done better with the peak but I didn't care. I had been floating downstream, not floating but kicking and screaming. And now C was a life-preserver, a rock that I was able to grab onto and feel secure and like a person again. As I sat next to him the gentle presence of the kundalini arose in my center and I was greatly calmed and felt bliss. I sat with my back to C's playing music and feeling at one with that energy. I wondered if C felt the energy too, but that thought would chase the energy away. I felt like I was a fetus and the vague warmth was all I knew and needed.

When C moved away I felt disconnected again, but not crazy shitpants weird like before. I instead grafted myself against the floor or the couch, relearning how to be a single person. There was such a maternal theme going on, even more so that my mom (who seldom calls), called my phone. I was in no state to answer it, but it was comforting that I knew she was thinking of me. Comforting, that is, until I started wondering whether my mom would be worried because I didn't answer. C wondered if I was understimulated and needed to go out. The thought of riding in a car was awesome and elating...to be cont...

 

glad to see you navigated back to earth :cheers2:

that profound loneliness... I know it too

I had a vision on one trip that I was floating up in hyperspace in the merkaba. Then off in the distance I could see the whole world swirling around, chaotic, crazy, just a mish-mash of incomprehensible energy. But while I was sitting up there in my sect of hyperspace I was God, everything and all, perfect. But then I realized, I had to go into the chaotic sea of energy to straighten the thing out. And in I went.

I suspect thats how alot of people probably feel when leaving the perfection and sacredness of their privacy to try and make something in the bigger world. I've thought about that alot. Wondering. Is walking the path of enlightenment, is that just getting to the point where you have so much presence, you feel so whole that even when completely alone, you never feel lonely? Or is it possible to actually straighten out the gordian knot that is existence and get everyone seeing they are actually gods floating in merkabas in hyperspace too? Thus making hyperspace no longer feel lonely.

 

each new crease in consciousness reduces loneliness that much more...as long as we perceive ourselves as separate, total loneliness is never endured. an absolute whole might also be lonely, since there is nothing without the whole. but a divided whole is the best of both worlds: everythingness, and other selves. God's having his cake and eating it too, so to speak :cheers2:
I was going to post more but it's late and I've been doing the cotton so I'ma do it later namaste!

 

To be one does not mean we are plastered together in one entity, there can be many gods, there are many bodies, and they are all part of one god body or god energy or godverse or whatever name you can think of, we are all gods to another in some way, who is to say you were not born because some young hippie god from a far off galaxy took a hit of something and dreamt you up or prayed upon a star and flashbam tada, wave your hand you are here. All that matters is that you can find happiness in knowing that all you know is your balls and your word.