Dream With Me

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by *peace*child*, Jan 12, 2005.

  1. *peace*child*

    *peace*child* Member

    Dream With Me

    I lie on the ground in a cold empty world
    Dreaming of winter's lament
    The moonlight shines on the side of your face
    Your expression is one of content

    "Listen," you say with your eyes deep in mine
    "I hear nothing," I admit in reply
    You continue to start with nothing to say
    Then you turn and look at the sky

    "Wait," I gasped, with trembling hand
    nd I turned to face behind
    It was darker than dark as I struggled to see
    What was troubling my mind

    Blinded by light, a whirlpool of white
    I could not tell where I was
    My mind was racing in circles around
    I couldn't get rid of the buzz

    We were no longer there, I recalled, when I woke
    But I couldn't grab hold of my mind
    Bright spinning colors appeared in my eyes
    I was floating as if in rewind

    A haze of euphoria took me away
    As I struggled to gain all control
    A rainbow of sound blazed through my ears
    As I flew into a dimly lit hole

    A big purple man appeared up ahead
    Growling like a dog with no care
    Big green teeth and orange-red eyes
    And blue where there should've been hair

    I felt the great teeth gnawing my bones
    The confusion of bright purple sound
    My eyes were stained with flashes of light
    And suddenly, back on the ground

    She smiled at me as I woke with a start
    And gave me a small kiss goodbye
    I asked her to stay as she got on her feet
    But she left as a tear filled her eye
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    This poem doesn't really mean anything important to me. I just wrote it as an experiment... I don't think it worked though.

    I'd like to know what you all think. Comments and critiques are very welcome. I'm new here and I love to write poetry so I'll probably be posting here a lot.
     
  2. Heaven

    Heaven Senior Member

    hm... I like this!
     
  3. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

    ~*Very interesting picture you paint. Welcome to Hipforums,*~
     
  4. *peace*child*

    *peace*child* Member

    Thank you!
     
  5. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    Whilst I read this, 'Moonlight Sonata' was playing in the background and it spooked me a bit. I'm not really convinced that you wrote this as an experiment. You may need to share some time with a good pal and tell them how you feel. If you're haunted by an unwanted memory you have to steer away from the dark path, no matter how tempting it is to follow. Your work is intricate, but I would like you to follow it up with something more cheerful to put my mind at ease. Use the force.
     
  6. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

    Your wording reads a little stale and rings monotonous in my head. You've got kernels of good poetry making, but they are just not developed. Your story telling interfered with the emotions, I just couldn't tap in and feel anything. The lens through which this image was projected is too familiar!
     

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