Dream With Me I lie on the ground in a cold empty world Dreaming of winter's lament The moonlight shines on the side of your face Your expression is one of content "Listen," you say with your eyes deep in mine "I hear nothing," I admit in reply You continue to start with nothing to say Then you turn and look at the sky "Wait," I gasped, with trembling hand nd I turned to face behind It was darker than dark as I struggled to see What was troubling my mind Blinded by light, a whirlpool of white I could not tell where I was My mind was racing in circles around I couldn't get rid of the buzz We were no longer there, I recalled, when I woke But I couldn't grab hold of my mind Bright spinning colors appeared in my eyes I was floating as if in rewind A haze of euphoria took me away As I struggled to gain all control A rainbow of sound blazed through my ears As I flew into a dimly lit hole A big purple man appeared up ahead Growling like a dog with no care Big green teeth and orange-red eyes And blue where there should've been hair I felt the great teeth gnawing my bones The confusion of bright purple sound My eyes were stained with flashes of light And suddenly, back on the ground She smiled at me as I woke with a start And gave me a small kiss goodbye I asked her to stay as she got on her feet But she left as a tear filled her eye ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This poem doesn't really mean anything important to me. I just wrote it as an experiment... I don't think it worked though. I'd like to know what you all think. Comments and critiques are very welcome. I'm new here and I love to write poetry so I'll probably be posting here a lot.
Whilst I read this, 'Moonlight Sonata' was playing in the background and it spooked me a bit. I'm not really convinced that you wrote this as an experiment. You may need to share some time with a good pal and tell them how you feel. If you're haunted by an unwanted memory you have to steer away from the dark path, no matter how tempting it is to follow. Your work is intricate, but I would like you to follow it up with something more cheerful to put my mind at ease. Use the force.
Your wording reads a little stale and rings monotonous in my head. You've got kernels of good poetry making, but they are just not developed. Your story telling interfered with the emotions, I just couldn't tap in and feel anything. The lens through which this image was projected is too familiar!
