Does this stand a more than 50% chance of being a disaster?

This is a long story, bear with me. I promise to use a lot of paragraphs.

I didn't know whether to put this in mental health or here, but figured this would get more traffic.

My husband and I have been married a little over a year. So far, it's been rather terrible. 2012 was probably the second-worst year of my life. He put me through a lot of fucked up, emotionally and at times verbally abusive shit, including multiple suicide threats (with him gone in his car with his handgun and me having no clue where he was or if he was alive). Basically, he has bipolar disorder, PTSD from childhood trauma, anorexia, and anxiety. The BPD was the only one I knew about prior to getting married, and it always seemed manageable.

He's paranoid about someone breaking in. When the flashbacks and nightmares get bad he's prone to flying into rages without warning over the littlest shit. He's never hit me or gotten physical, and I don't think for a second he ever would, but he's beat me down in every other way. He's broken furniture, injured himself hitting inanimate objects, torn the house up...just basically acts like an overgrown 5 year old. It makes me sick.

While we're actually in a much better place now, I still deal with anxiety about it. When he's not pissed about something (and about 85% of the time he's fine) he's my best friend. But I can't help but feel hopeless about our future together if he doesn't get a hold of this.

He's about to start grad school, and when he's done in 2 years, I want to start a family, but I can't start one with him losing his shit as frequently as he does. I cannot and will not in good conscience bring kids into this situation until he's healed himself from his issues.

Medication is out. He will not stay on them for more than 2 weeks. He's gotten like this before we met, apparently, but I was not aware. He's seen counselor after counselor after psychiatrist after psychiatrist for the past 9 years and has tried nearly every med there is. The ones that work make him feel like a zombie and make him oversleep so he doesn't feel he can take them while he's working. I have officially given up on him ever taking medication. It's not worth getting my hopes up over something that won't happen.

So, here's where mushies come into play. I have had an interest in them for a long time now, and have decided to grow some myself. I have issues of my own, mostly regarding death, and I've been helped by LSA in the past to get over some anxiety issues. More than anything, I want to take them to heal myself, both from my past and from last year.

Yet, I can't help but cling to them as a hope for my marriage. My husband goes back and forth about trying them himself, but I'm positive I can convince him to try them when all is said and done (not that I would force him if he really wasn't ready, I realize that's not a good idea). I have googled the hell out of "shrooms and ptsd" and most of what I find talks about shrooms being great for depression and MDMA being good for ptsd, but I have no connections and no way of getting MDMA, so that's kinda out. Plus I trust mushrooms more because of their organic nature.

Shrooms also appeal to me because of ego death; I feel that so much of my husbands pain has to do with his own ego refusing to let go. He refuses help from counselors or anyone because he thinks he knows better than anyone. He clings to the fear because being hyper-alert and defensive 24/7 is his comfort zone, and it blinds him to the other ways of seeing the world. He is never able to truly relax.

While I've never done shrooms myself, I've done LSA and feel I know from my past experiences how to handle a trip--I'm ok with not being in control and view even terrifying experiences as a learning opportunity. The idea would be for me to do them first, process what I've learned, and then guide him through his own trip.

I realize this is risky, I just want some ideas as to how risky. I know a fair amount of "bad trips" are caused by improper set and setting, so of course I would make sure he was in a good, safe place before he took them. I would be there to calm him down and talk him through whatever if he started freaking out.

I've come to a place where I don't feel I have much to lose, so if he takes them and doesn't improve, I can live with that. I just don't want to make things worse, have him have a bad trip and then have flashbacks about that too. So if there's a more than 50% chance of that happening, maybe this isn't such a great idea.

I'm just at a crossroads--if he keeps on like this and doesn't get better, I'll never feel right about having children, something I've always known I was meant to do. And at the same time, as pissed off and hurt as I am about what he's put me through, all I want is for him to learn to relax and love himself and see how beautiful everything is. Man-made psych meds can't offer the profound spiritual change he needs to see all of that. He just has this huge mental block and I need the mushroom gods to break it apart so we can move forward. Or, maybe they won't because he's not ready.

Maybe I'm putting shrooms on a pedestal, but I've lost faith in everything else. Some guidance from more experienced shroomers would be appreciated--preferably from ones who respect their power and don't take them recreationally. Thanks, and sorry for the length.

 

trip with him, but expect anything

 

Hi... first I just wanna say I am sorry that you and your husband are dealing with that. I'm sure it must be tough (for both of you)... my husband and I have been together for 13 years now (married almost ten) and we have had our share of issues in the past and luckily, thankfully, have resolved things and have learned how to deal w conflicts and anxiety, etc in more constructive ways before having our first kid two yrs ago..

anyways i have eaten mushrooms multiple times and a couple times w my husband. We had wonderful experiences w them together and made each other feel safe during our journey with them... so it could work and be beneficial for you both... but I do wanna give you something else to think about. First, I do think MDMA is MUCH better for ptsd than mushrooms. MDMA makes things seem "okay" (more than okay) but old fears and issues kinda just fall off of you in such a beautiful way. I have found it to be VERY healing personally over some ptsd issues. And mushrooms, in the right-safe feeling setting could do the same thing... but tripping off of anything with underlying psychological or emotional issues could be a very, very scary thing. It could actually compound things and bring them front and center. What concerns me the most from that aspect is the ptsd with tripping. If he would happen to run into anything that reminds him of anything at all that has to do with the root of the ptsd it could become quite horrifying and not be good at all. I'm not saying that WOULD happen but it's def. something to think about and use extreme caution, imo. Such as making sure his mind frame is right for it atm and the setting totally peaceful feeling... and also not to eat too many. I'd go for a smaller sized trip that just opens up the perceptions a little bit.. at least the first time to get an idea how that would be... good luck whatever you decide!

 

To be honest, I don't think its a good idea at all.. and if things are this tough at only 1 year.. consider your wellbeing, and how much emotional pain you are willing to volunteer for. gotta take care of yourself!

 

Yea... I didn't wanna come right out and say it like that but tripping and ptsd plus other psych/emotional issues doesn't sound like a great idea. Maybe in a controlled setting but if I was gonna try a "tool" to assist with that, i'd go for the mdma.

If you are gonna do it though just use caution and don't over do the amount.

 

i would use mdma for his mind. focus on his issues. then you both connect with 3 or 400 mics of L. that will bring it all around for you both. but thats just my opinion..

 

I would never shroom with anyone that wasn't already emotionally stable and strong mentally. Shrooms can greatly increase bad thoughts and emotions and make you face demons you long since forgot about. I have had scary nights with people that have freaked out and did some very scary shit..... Never again.

Basically if your head is full of bad wiring shrooms are just going to send it into overload.

And MDMA is a tool when used in combination with professional therapy..... You don't just pop a pill and all of a sudden you are better. It is a tool.... Not a cure by itself.

I would def advise against you and your husband taking shrooms in a dose higher then 2 grams. shit tossing crazy people taking shrroms is how shit like this happens:


http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-57509439-504083/jarrod-wyatt-mma-fighter-accused-of-ripping-out-friends-heart-and-tongue-pleads-guilty-to-murder/