Does he have the right to be this pissed off?

I've been seeing this guy for about 4 1/2 years. We never fight and we have a happy relationship. But last night, I apparently did something to piss him off and he can't get over it.

We decided to go to the bar for this show I told him about with DJ's coming from Detroit, where he's from. He's heard of them and was excited about it. I live a couple blocks away, he came over then we went to the show. As soon as we got there, he wanted to leave. He wasn't feeling the first DJ. So we bounced. We didn't have to pay to get in so we could just leave and come back. We decided to roam the streets and nearby parks for a half hour. We decided to get "fresh" in a secluded area of the park. I told him to follow me as I was going toward a certain area. He saw a couple kids, probably 18-20 yrs old walking a different path, and out of nowhere he runs over to them and ask if they were smoking pot and was looking for a burn down. The reason he asked was because we earlier saw lighters constantly going off in their direction so it was obvious. But I didn't know why he would ask because I have 2 ounces of chronic at my house and we just smoked and were really high anyway. And he creeped up on them and came out of nowhere to asked if they were smoking. They both freaked out and said NO with a straight, yet scared face. It almost seemed more like my boyfriend was a cop or a pissed off local. But he just wanted to smoke. So I said, "dude, wtf?" The kids walked away and I said I was just gonna go home. I thought it was bad etiquette and he probably scared the kids he was talking to. But just because I said that, he flipped out on me. He wouldn't stop yelling at me and I yelled back. It turned into a weird fight and I didn't know why he was pissed at me. He was mad because it wasn't about the burn down or the weed, but the experience. Of just meeting random people and smoking weed. He said we are different because he wants to be adventurous and I'm not adventurous, which I'm extremely adventurous. More so than he is. I was just caught off guard, he should have done it differently and I didn't understand his reason's for asking. Plus it was a random, sexual mood killer. It wasn't the right time or place. He wouldn't stop arguing with me so I said I was going home but then he said he was going to stay out and find something fun to do. But this was kinda our time and I invited him out to this, which he wanted to leave. Because of our work schedules, we can only hang out one day a week.This was our day, so him wanting to cut me off and just go get drunk, seemed rude to me. But he calmed down and talked me into going with him. Then he decided to go back to the bar we were originally at.

I really was in no mood to have a good time anymore. But I went with him anyway and just sat there but I was still upset with him. I wasn't acting pissed at him. I just was watching the dj, it was too loud to talk anyway, but I didn't dance. My bf was now having a good time. He was really liking the main dj. It really wasn't my type of music because the dj (who is normally a techno dj) was doing hip hop. I like every type of music except hip hop/rap/r&b types. But he was good at mixing and the show wasn't bad, just not my style. He was being more of a crowd pleaser since most people my age like hip hop. But my boyfriend was having a good time, even though the vibes were good, I couldn't get over what just happened.

Then my boyfriend asked me if it would be cool if he could invite the DJ and his whole crew over to my house and burn them down. He asked if it would piss me off and I just said, "lets talk about it later" cause I wanted to think about it. The reason why he wanted to ask the DJ and his crew over was because his cousin is a popular DJ from the Detroit area, travels all over the world, and was featured in a DJ magazine as #6 for the Top 10 DJ's from Detroit. His cousin is kind of a big deal. lol. And a really cool guy. So when the show was over, my bf got on the stage and asked the DJ if he knew his cousin. He said yes and that they were buddies. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and when I came in he walked over to me and said they were gonna come smoke with us. But then I realized there would be 8 people I don't know coming over to my house and I was the only person with weed. So I'd have to burn down everyone. I'm normally pretty generous with my stash. I go through it like crack, lol. But I really didn't feel like socializing because of our argument and I didn't want that many people at my house right now. Plus I have really bad social anxiety if I drink then smoke weed. The combination is just bad for me. I have to smoke alone or with a close friend in that case. So I said no, I don't want people at my house tonight.

So my boyfriend flipped out again, even worse than before. He just walked out real fast, didn't even say goodbye to anyone he just met that he invited to my house, and just said "f*ck you, I don't wanna talk to you right now". He walked extremely fast and was a block and a half ahead of me then waiting outside my house so I could unlock the door. I told him if he was going to be negative he could go home, because I don't want negative people at my house. He wouldn't leave and said I'm really cold hearted if I make him leave because he'd have to ride his bike 5 miles to his house and has to work at 9am. I said he could stay as long as he could get over what he's pissed off about and that he's being disrespectful inviting people to my house to smoke my weed that I paid for. He knows that usually I'd be up for that and I'm not stingy with my stuff at all. But the point is I felt he disrespected me and insulted me. He feels I embarrassed him and that I kept trying to get him to not talk to anyone but me and that I don't wanna meet new people at all. He says I kept making him look like a jerk but he was being one. I never did anything that made him look like a jerk though. I tried not to argue and he was the one flipping out. Every time he went and talked to people, I'd just be outside smoking a cigarette. He doesn't smoke and he'd really only talk to people when I was outside so I don't know what he is talking about. He kept talking to the DJ's and I never interrupted his conversation with them. I thought I was joining them.

He wouldn't stop flipping out but finally toward the end of the night he calmed down and we started joking around again and I thought the fight was over. Then he passed out and I went to bed right after him. The next morning, I completely forgot about our fight. He went to work and is back at his house. He calls me to tell me he's really upset about what I did last night. He was calm but it's really bothering him that I didn't want people to come over and meet new people and him and I are so different and I was acting like a baby. He wanted to ditch me to hang out with them but I thought that was rude since I asked him out and we only see each other once a week. Does he have the right to be pissed off like this? He says he asked them to come over because I said "yes they could come over" but I really said "I don't know". He isn't getting over this at all. What the hell just happened??? Is he overreacting or am I just not getting the picture?

Sorry so long. I always write too much on forums. =(

 

I think I answered my own question because I know. But I wanna talk about this with people. He's never the type to get pissed off about anything and he never holds grudges ever. We've been best friends since Jr High and have been dating for 4 1/2 years. We're both almost 26.

 

killjoy

 

Right on.

 

Why don't you ask him why it made him so mad.

It sounded like you were both high. He did something awkward. You responded in a way that he felt was critical, and he got very hurt, which turned into anger.

Really, you should just ask him

 

I have been and he says it was because I wasn't adventurous and I don't wanna meet new people and I was acting like a baby. In his words. We were high yes, lol but it was quite the buzz kill.

 

Hmmm, me thinks there is more to this than meets the eye, but I can't help over the internet.

4 1/2 years w/o a significant fight is unusual even for the most blissful couples. It could have just been something that was due. Every relationship goes through this milestone.

Unless this becomes more commonplace, I'd just say to refocus your attention on eachother. Try to be more spontaneous, but make sure its more about the two of you rather than adventures with others. If you feel like you are spontaneous, and he does not, it probably means that he's feeling that you aren't sharing the adventure.

Cheers

 

Being adventurous and all that is cool but not if it means you feel disrespected in the process. It almost seems like he was upset about something completley different and brought it to your evening. It seems like he is blaming you for everything but really some evenings just suck.........even with people we get a long with and have fun with. It's inevitable that you will argue. One thing that stands out to me though is that twice that evening HE violated personal boundaries......1) he walked up to some random teens in a dark park to ask if they were smoking weed and then 2) wanted to invite 8 strangers to your house to smoke weed.......all while already being high. Hmm.......is it possible that he is on other drugs or uses weed so much that he has become dependant on it and starts to have mood swings if he starts to believe he wont be able to get high again sometime soon. I know some people think weed isnt a big deal but if you have an addictive personality to begin with you can start to feel like shit until you can smoke some more.

 

Agreed

 

he sounds like a big baby to me. he seems to be projecting. i would say get him out of your life but if you guys are such good buddies well, I don't know.

MDMA therapy?

 

You (imo) have the right to be pissed off about this.

About the scaring the kids thing, I dunno, it was just taken out of context by the kids and you.

 

If this night was the only time he has ever behaved like this, then maybe he was just having some kind of weird reaction -- but, frankly, he sounds like a loser to me (your mileage may vary). You do sound like a very open adventurous person to me and I think you should look for a guy who would respect you more. Anybody can have an off-night and get into a cranky mood, but this guy carried it past the point that I could stand. It's your life, so it's your choice.

 

Similar to what has been said before, I would say 4 1/2 years without a big fight is unusual and not necessarily a good sign. This could mean that there has been trouble under the surface that you have not communicated about.

It's really hard to gauge what's really going on because all I have (and I assume everyone else has) to go on is what's in your post. One side of the story is not enough to go on.

Having said that, on the surface it seems he's being unreasonable. Probably doing what you did was better than caving in and being bitter about it.

If he's going to skip getting "fresh" to ask random kids for weed, it sounds like he has a drug problem. I'm sure it would be controversial to criticize weed on this site, but I think many people really are addicted to weed in so far as they can't really function or be happy without getting high. Also, I think paranoia, memory loss, loss of motivation, all of the stereotypical problems that come with smoking weed lots are true, and that it generally drains you.