Do I really have to come out?

Do I really have to come out? There are a small handful of people in my life that know, but in general, my family doesn't know. I remember the drama that ensued when my Grandmother found out that her middle son was gay. And that was only after he passed away.

For the majority of my life, I've convinced myself I was straight. I've had 2 or 3 brief encounters that I brushed off as accidental or coincidence. In one I actually allowed myself to be fellated and the other I wasn't sure of the person's gender until I felt an erection press against me.

Later on in life I found myself wanting to explore new sexual practices with my partners. This led to eventually wanting to try Anal sex. The problem being that the woman I was dating didn't want to, but we came to an understanding, if I would allow her to use her strapon on me and peg me, she would allow me to take her anally. She just wanted me to know what it felt like before I "Blindly ram my dick in." was the way she put it..

Well, I did, she she allowed me in afterwards. But afterward, I found myself wanting the experience again. So I bought a dildo roughly the same size and tried it, and liked it. This made me start thinking about how a real penis felt. After a few months and a new job I spaced it all out and didn't think about it again, until a few years ago when i was approached by someone.

He did Identify as He/Him, but enjoyed crossdressing, and he was dressed quite alluringly for halloween, and it was hard for me to distinguish. He propositioned me and I agreed to meet him. I was disappointed to find out he was just teasing an old man, and I got mad, and withdrew. But the desire was still there.

Since then, I've thought more and more about it and probably polluted myself with both Bi, Gay and Trans Porn. I still like the thought of sex with women, but now I lean more toward really wanting to have a same sex relationship. I have a chest full of toys, from Masturbation cups to ultraskin dildos and thrusting butt plugs, but they are no longer enough.

My problem is, that I find that I am scared. Scared of many things. First of which is being physically hurt. I'm in my 60's and am suffering the normal ailments of aging, From arthritis and frozen joint to other age related symptoms. I tell myself I just have to find someone who would be respectful of my limits, but I'm not sure I can find that.

Of course I also fear the rejections that came from past attempts and fear that I myself might turn tail as well. But mostly, I am insecure about my age and looks. When I search personals, I just keep finding people asking for Men half my age and bodies like Mr. Universe, and penises like a horse. It's fairly daunting.

It's the fear and uncertainty holding me back more than anything, as well as not being able to or wanting to travel far from home. I know it makes me a coward, but am I a lost cause?

 

No, you don't. Your sexuality is nobody's business but yours; who you choose to share it with is entirely up to you. Neither are you a coward; some people and places are profoundly unsafe. Sometimes discretion is truly the better part of valor.
That said, it's difficult to be truly content (much less happy) suppressing such an important part of yourself and living inauthentically.
I wish for you a loving, accepting, and nurturing community; I hope you seek out your 'tribe'.

 

A general suggestion: Go lots of places that interest you where you might meet people "the old fashioned" way. You could become friends of either gender that you actually relate to and make a connection to.

 

Thank you. I appreciate that.
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. My suspicious nature has been reinforced by incidents not related to relationships or sexual leanings. It's difficult, online to determine someone's intent. The only way to find out is to meet face to face.
I've imagined scenarios, meeting peopel at a Starbucks for coffee and just chatting for a while. Hasn't happened, but I haven't thrown in the towel yet.

 

@KathyL, The search continues. It's the reason I've sought out this board. The handful of people who do know and support me, are slowly drifting away. But I can't begrudge them because they have their own lives and issues.
One of them has married and moved across the country. Another passed away in a horrible accident that left me emotionally dead for a while.

More times than no these days, I end up seeing something, or hearing something, that triggers a thought or desire and I just have no one around to bounce it off, so I just internalize it and imagine it all in my head. I've tried writing, but I'm pretty terrible at it. I tried publishing one of my shorts, and was mercilessly trolled with how bad my writing was by the Mods. (I won't say which site, but it's popular for Erotic Literature). I'm hoping to have some nice chats here about all of it.
Thanks again for the response

 

It's difficult to do at this time, but I do try to get out as much as I can.
It may sound a bit silly, but I know I'm my own worst critic when it comes to approaching people.

 

I've learned that sooner or later everybody is going to find out, coming out is better for your long term mental heath because it lets you be you. Nowadays I don't care what people think of me. Haters gonna hate anyway.

 

My family will never know for sure. The ones that aren't openly homophobic, would simply try to change my mind, as if I could or should simply stop. I'm not ok never having a confidant, never being able to share.
I don't think anyone is fully prepared for their first time. But physically I believe I am ready. But I am sure there are emotional difficulties, and if I choose the wrong one I could end up seriously injured.
It will be some time before I actually have to deal with it.

 

Yes, I am less concerned about others, outside my family. I'm sure my family will simply live in denial, out of sight, out of mind, as they did the my late uncle. His lifestyle wasn't forced upon any of te family members until they had to clean out his apartment after his death.

 

That certainly has not been my experience. I have lived as a married bisexual man that is deep in the closet for many years. I love my wife very much and she loves me. She doesn’t however have any desire sexually anymore, and physical touch isn’t her love language like is mine. It has taken many years to for me to figure out how to keep our compatibility intact despite our incompatibility sexually. And while it isn’t perfect it has been the best compromise for me to pursue sex with men hidden from view. It keeps me from resenting my wife for not wanting a physical relationship and allows me to enjoy her what she is able to offer. I treat my wife well and love her well as she does me. And after all these years together (45) this seems to be the compromise that works for us. She has stated on the rare occasion that she doesn’t want to know how I satisfy my sexual desires.
I have no desire to punish her for not wanting it, nor hurt her by having her find out what I do. Most women can’t imagine the notion of sex without love and that is how she feels about it.
So in the closet I remain, I simply can’t jeopardize my relationship with my children and grandchildren and really my wife as well by letting it become known. The burden of it is mine to bare not theirs.

 

I don’t see a connection between the above meat of your post and the coming out topic. Don’t you know that the male world is extremely competitive, that looks and youth are of extreme importance? Women are far easier in that respect, because they are choosy in other domains. What do older men do who crave anal sex and still have some money left over? They fly to Brazil and enjoy themselves in the gay saunas of the capital.

 

Well, other than the problem of not having anyone to sit down and share my issue with if I choose to stay closeted, and have to just deal on my own. I cna't retire and jet off to some south american country. Or a Caribbean or Southeast Asian country for that matter. I'm glad some guys can do that, but I'm kinda stuck and have no place to go with this, other than to rant on a forum and hope it brings me some solace.

 

I've never felt compelled to broadcast my sexual preferences or my gender identity. As a result, I have had a wonderful pan sexual life that has been relatively free of drama.

Many people I know may have their opinions about me, but somehow they realize I have no desire to discuss my sexuality with family members and casual acquaintances. My lovers are equally discrete about our erotic relationships.

 

I might be coming to this thread a bit late...but it's purely your decision. Don't feel pressured by anyone or society. How you present your sexuality is purely your business.

Maybe in the meantime try and find a friend, gay, straight or bi to talk to about your emotions, if those feelings are still causing turmoil then seek a professional counsellor - discretion is a legal requirement in that industry.

If you do come out - then expect a lot of...nothing much. The world will keep turning and the next question will be who's your partner etc but if you are unsure then it's probably best to leave things as they are. However if you find a long-term partner then things change and you may then decide to go public.