do I have a right to be angry?

I am having 'body issues' at the moment. I am overweight and unhealthy...but I am slowly getting it on track. I've joined a gym and am eating better...but i still fuck up sometimes and I still don't feel too good about myself. Oh that, and my partner seems to have no sex drive around me (a lot of the time). So self-esteem = LOW.

Anyway, so today i come home from working all day to find the following on MY computer. In my 'recent documents' folder...he has been viewing porn all day. That's right. He copied a folder full of porn onto MY computer without even fucking ASKING me. He has his own computer for this shit...

And it's all Asian girls. SKINNY GOOD LOOKING Asian girls. The total OPPOSITE of me...I am chubby (hell, I'm bordering on fat if you must know) and anglo-saxon. I have pale skin and light blond hair and blue eyes. And this is just the last fucking straw.

I ALREADY FEEL LIKE SHIT TODAY! WHY DID I HAVE TO COME HOME TO THIS?!?!?! If he wants some anorexic Asian chick maybe he should just fuck off and find one, rather than wasting his time with a fat fucking loser like me.

 

Don't take it personally that he's watching pron. The majority of men do.

For myself, even though my husband has a goodly spare tire on him, I still find him attractive and desirable - but when I watch ma pr0n, I like the 6 pack abs men. Pron has nothing to do with reality for me.

Chances are it's not your size that's effecting his sex drive. It's probably your low self esteem that's the weeny wilter. It's hard to have fun with a person's body when you know they're obsessing on how they hate their own body.

Now regarding the location of the pr0n. I'd be miffed there. This is the part you have a right to get angry about. It's rude and inconsiderate.

 

I understand what you mean. When I was pregnant with my oldest son, I found my husband had been looking at porn on the internet. I had a FIT. I was feeling fat and unattractive being pregnant, and that just made me feel even worse about myself. And what I couldn't understand was how he supposedly hated heavily made-up women with implants and whatnot, yet that was what he had been looking at! I confronted him about it, told him how it made me feel, asked him how he would like it if roles were reversed. He admitted he wouldn't like it either. :H

 

what a man likes to fantasize about, and what a man really wants by his side can vary so heavily that it's not even in the same ballpark. i'd be pissed about him putting that stuff on your computer, but as to him being looking at someone who looks completely opposite of you, it doesn't really even figure into the equation. some guys like their porn somewhat dehumanized, if you will. yeah, it looks good, but if they have some sort of morality issues or guilt, imagining doing dirty things to someone who doesn't look like the one you love might be easier. sometimes it's just because after having nothing but red m&m's, a man's gonna want a green one.

 

BodyElectric and KC really summed it up well. It is a bit disrespectful (and just odd) that he saved the pictures onto your computer, but maybe he did it because he didn't feel like he had anything to hide from you.

 

agreed completely

my issue would be that he used your computer, not his own, and saved it without your permission. that he was looking at porn that didnt involve clones of you is simply part of life truth be told. not to mention most (not all, but the majority of) porn involves rather skinny/slim women

 

Sounds like a plan.

 

When I was living with someone they were continously looking up porn and trying to show on-line porn videos. When I told him how uncomftrable it made me he acted like I was totally over reacting. The next day I put naked dudes up as our new screen saver and replied 'What's the big deal? You are so overreacting! You're friends aren't going to think anything of it. You were just saying last night about how much all of your friends like porn.' If someone would rather look at porn all day than fuck me when I get home then that's on them. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Porn is for single men.

 

and that is wrong for him to download that on YOUR computer. I would jet. It sounds like he doesn't respect you.

 

That is ridiculous. I am very happily married, I have an outstanding relationship, both physically and emotionally..........and I look at porn, I don't hide it from my wife, she looks at porn also..........and she doesn't hide it from me, we also look at porn together, often. I don't cheat on my wife, nor would I ever dream of doing so, she doesn't cheat on me and I have complete and total trust in her. Porn is just a fantasy thing, it has nothing to do with real life whatsoever, in fact i'd venture as far as to say that it's a positive influence on our sex life. Forget the whole puritanical ideologue...........that bullshit causes more problems in relationships than its ever benefited, if your comfortable and connected enough to marry someone, then you shouldn't have to hide your sexuality or repress your fantasies.........that does nothing but build resentment....and if you feel that insecure about yours and your partners sexuality................trust me you got alot bigger problems than porn.

On a side note, I would also be pissed if someone used my personal computer for ANYTHING without my knowledge, partner or not, without asking first.

 

That's great that she likes porn as well. Other people can do whatever they want.

I view it as a clear message that someone would rather jack-off to a fantasy than have sex with me in reality. I don't have sex with men who find interest in skanky, slutty porn stars who give head and broadcast it on the internet. Playboy or maxim is okay or artsy porn, but don't look at tacky stuff because that is indicative of taste in women and therefor an insult to who you are with.

 

I'm going to have to go with the majority here and say that I really don't think it's a big deal. Hubby and I watch porn all the time. I watch it without him. He watches it without me. We watch it together.
Both of us watch things that we would not normally find "attractive" in reality, it's weird. Honestly, it's mostly just the idea of watching people having sex that turns others on. It doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to leave you and jump some asian chick.
When it comes to your problems with your body, that could be what's killing the mood. I'm kinda in the same boat as you...I don't know what your weight is or anything, but I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnanct with my daughter and have had one hell of a time getting rid of it. It made me feel awful. Anytime I would get really depressed about it, hubby really had NO desire to be with me. Honestly, I don't blame him, I was a real downer. When I'm not complaining about my body, even when nothing has changed, he literally will not leave me alone.
Try to find some happiness in the way you look. You said that you're being more active...just doing that can help a ton. Get caught up in the fact that you HAVE curves and a lot of women out there would kill for that instead of having no boobs, no hips, no ass, etc...

 

that's utter bs, lyns. seriously. do you not have any sort of internal, imaginary sexual drives or desires that have NOTHING to do with what you want in real life? no internal fantasies about sex with multiple partners, nothing kinky that you wouldn't actually go through with because in real life it's distasteful? honestly, that's like saying that since i enjoy porn the only men i'm ever gonna want are gonna look like ron jeremy. men are visually stimulated, having a safe outlet for that isn't bad. it's only bad when it takes over their entire sex life or he starts trying to make HER look like a porn star.

 

this was what I was trying to say....somehow I really got off topic. well said KC

 

well thanks. obviously if two people in a relationship have very different views on porn, that's something that should be discussed. it is a basic sexual compatibility difference between people that CAN cause problems. i'd talk it out, for sure, if i was the OP, but being angry right now, before you've even had a talk about it, for the reasons she stated, are more a function of her own insecurity than any disrespect from her man.

 

It's odd that it's on your computer. I happen to be very possessive of mine, and as I understand it so are a lot of other people (who likes someone reading over their shoulder, or putting documents on it without permission, etc?). So talk to him, let him know how you feel about that.

But honestly? The whole "he looks at porn, and the people in it don't look like me" isn't too worrying.

I know a guy who watches porn that primarily involves Asian beauties, but he goes after petite, brunette white girls in real life. And want to know what kind of porn I watch? Porn with big, beefy, tall guys, guys with 10-inch equipment, guys who look about 30 years old. I'm in love with a skinny, average-height guy with an average-sized penis, who's almost exactly my age. I sometimes masturbate to porn, I sometimes masturbate to my boyfriend's image, but either way, ask who I'd rather be with in real life, and I'll take my beloved every time. He's not my "physical type," but I'm with him nonetheless and wouldn't have it any other way. Porn is much less threatening than you might think...it's jacking off, nothing else. It doesn't signal singular taste, so unless you think he'd rather pick porn every time over you, then it's not really a problem, is it? Unless you're just against porn in general, in which case there might be bigger problems.

Oh, and the body issues? Please don't be offended, but I'm going to have to support the idea that you feeling down on yourself might be more of a problem than your actual weight. Think of it this way: If a man were to continually feel down about his penis size and express it mournfully to you, would it turn you on or make you think "Yes, it's fine, just get more into sex, please"? Cheer up. ^_^ I'm sure you're beautiful.

 

no, I have to have an emotional thing with someone for me to get horny. I am sexually fun, but not with more than one person. I'm pretty uptight as far as non-commited sex. I've never fantasized about an actor or anything like that. I'm a weirdo though.

 

I would dump him. Sounds like he just doesn't get it, and I'm very impatient.

 

Phew! It sounds like I started a bit of a debate here...thanks for all the replies (and sympathy ).

Just to clarify a few things...I have calmed down a lot now... But i do love having a place where I can vent and feel comfortable doing so! Anyway...

I did talk to him about it last night when he came home. I didn't get really angry with him, but I did tell him that I was upset with what he'd done - but that the majority of the 'being upset' was to do with my own personal self-esteem stuff and not about him looking at porn.

I have no problem with porn 'in general'. I don't mind him looking at it or me looking at it. My anger with him was because he knows that 'at the moment' I am not feeling too good about myself - so it was more of a 'please be considerate / thoughtful that I'm down on myself at the moment and don't rub it in my face that you're looking at porn'. In turn...the reason it was on my computer is because mine is the only one in the house connected to the net - and he downloaded it directly from the web. I know that he uses my computer for internet, games, email - whatever - but i was just pissed that he was using it for porn. it was thoughtless (which he agreed to).

Anyway...the upshot of it all was that the 'great porn incident of '07' (as I am now calling it) brought a lot of 'stuff' to a head. A lot of bad stuff that I was feeling. I had a big cry and told him how i felt - and we had a really good talk about it all. And I feel a lot better today. I told him in the end i don't mind him looking at porn - but please just...um...don't rub my face in it, at least while I'm feeling like this. And he agreed.

But he did download it knowing that it was fine to use my computer (though it was thoughtless to use it for that), and fine for both of us to look at porn. It was just shit timing and a bit thoughtless is all.

So i'm feeling better...but feel free to continue the debate / discussion anyway Thanks!!!

 

Glad things worked out for you.

It always cracks me up when people give the " Dump him " advice so quickly over something that's can easily be solved by a good heartfelt conversation.